Chapter Eighteen #2
Eventually, Tracy smiled sadly. “Love is a gift to be given freely. When you have children, you’re supposed to be ready to give it to them endlessly and without strings.
My four have made some odd choices over the years, but I love them more than my own life.
However, when your family is dysfunctional in the way yours seems to be, the only choice you’re given is to get on board with that dysfunction or you will always be the enemy.
But you do not need to set yourself on fire trying to earn their love.
It isn’t what you deserve, but they’re never going to give it freely and they’re always going to expect it from you—unwavering loyalty and love they haven’t earned or reciprocated. ”
Audrey felt like she couldn’t breathe. “But… they're my family.”
“I know, honey. You got dealt a bad hand there, but you don’t have to keep holding those cards.
If there’s one thing every parent should want for their child, it’s to choose a life that honors who they are and to live it to its fullest and happiest. And, if you have a family that doesn’t give you that, choose yourself.
Walk away and know you’ll find another one.
It might not look like you expected, but you will find the people who love you the right way. ”
The hallway was spinning. It wasn’t like Audrey hadn’t heard that stuff before—variations of it, perhaps, but the same ideas—and yet it felt different hearing it from a mother who was looking at her the way she’d given up thinking mothers would ever look at her.
And Tracy was right. Her whole family’s modus operandi was to participate or be ostracized.
But not expelled. Stick around because of the optics, not because they loved her.
Allow them to bully her because she was different.
And they’d keep going, keep trying to grind her down, to make her give in to the dysfunction. She’d never wanted that.
Tracy held her hands out in question, asking if she could touch Audrey, and even that was something new. Her family didn’t care if she wanted them to touch her. They did what they wanted and she was expected to go along with it. But Tracy was like Hallie. She checked.
Audrey nodded, unable to trust her voice not to shake.
Tracy took Audrey’s face between her hands, making Audrey feel small and young and protected.
“My daughter tells me you’ve spent your whole life being strong, standing up for yourself in the face of people who can’t or won’t appreciate that.
Audrey, that’s amazing, but it’s not what you were brought into this world for.
Existing is hard enough without having to fight your family for love and respect.
You deserve to have it given freely and you deserve to love people without having to compromise yourself for them. ”
Audrey nodded, a lump in her chest, her breath coming unsteadily. It felt so real and possible when Tracy was holding her face and saying it so simply.
She was glad Hallie had grown up with Tracy as her mom.
“Oh, honey,” Tracy said gently as tears escaped Audrey’s eyes.
Shame shot through her and she hurriedly tried to wipe them away, but Tracy beat her to it and held out her arms, offering a hug.
Audrey wasn’t sure what it was about the Fullers, and perhaps it was just all the parts of Hallie she could sense in Tracy, but she nodded and allowed herself to be held.
She wasn’t small compared to Tracy, not by any stretch, but she felt tiny in that hug.
After all these years, she finally felt like she was being hugged by a mother’s love.
They didn’t even really know each other and it was coming so easily for Tracy.
That should probably tell her everything she needed to know about her own family.
The only memories she had of being hugged by her parents in a similar way were ancient, and, at this point, she wasn’t even sure if they were real.
Childhood imaginings, perhaps. The dreams of hugs she’d wanted to receive, of hugs she’d been told parents gave you.
This was all those things and more. A mother holding her like the world could fall apart around her and everything would be okay, Tracy would keep her safe.
There was a creak at the end of the hall and Audrey automatically attempted to withdraw. Tracy, however, moved one hand to stroke the back of her head, holding her securely.
“Hey, honey,” she called, and Audrey knew it must be Hallie.
She was a little embarrassed at Hallie finding them this way, but not nearly as much as she would have been around her own family.
Eventually, Tracy pulled back and, even though Hallie hadn’t spoken to her yet, she clearly suspected what the two of them had been debating this morning. She smiled. “So, shall we all have some breakfast and then we can get out and do some shopping? I imagine you two need a couple of things.”
Audrey nodded. They all knew why, what she was referring to, but they didn’t need to say it. Not in the way her family avoided unpleasant things, just in the way that there was understanding, in the way that not saying it marked it as the unusual thing, the unpleasant thing, not Audrey.
Hallie smiled at her with so much patience and warmth, and Audrey didn’t feel remotely deserving, but she liked Hallie looking at her that way.
Tracy clapped her hands together, seeming to stifle a laugh, and Audrey couldn’t help but wonder if she was picking up on something between the two of them. She headed down the hallway, allowing them to follow her. As they hit the stairs, she said, “I washed and dried your pants.”
And that tiny gesture was almost enough to make Audrey cry. She had no idea if Tracy knew the pants had felt contaminated, but it didn’t really matter. She’d seen damp, dirty pants and she’d just… washed and dried them, cared enough about a total stranger to do that. It was nice.