Chapter Nineteen
Audrey felt a little better after purchasing her own clothes, like she really could just do this.
Stay with Hallie and her mom, refrain from going back to her own family.
She’d have to come up with a good reason for her continued absence—and her continued ignorance of her phone—but, as Hallie pointed out, it would hardly be the biggest lie people told her family this week.
She didn’t like lying to them but it had, unfortunately, become part of their dynamic.
Most of it wasn’t lying as such, just omitting details to protect herself.
Plus, it wasn’t like she could go back in the state she’d been in, and she wasn’t going to make Hallie take her, knowing exactly what they were driving back to.
If she was honest with her family, that would be unacceptable.
They’d pick her apart, try harder to destroy her.
It would be subtle from some of them, extreme from others, and they’d never let it go.
She’d be the obvious threat to their whole dynamic.
Sure, she was something of a threat right now, but she’d long ago learned they couldn’t handle direct attacks on their way of functioning.
She would be the sacrifice to keep them rest intact, and she wasn’t in a place to tolerate that.
She’d been working on it with her therapist, trying to reach that place where what they thought didn’t matter, but she wasn’t there yet.
Still, being around Hallie, her mom, and her brothers was like proof that what her therapist had been telling her was real.
Being around Zora’s family was lovely. They welcomed Audrey in, but it always felt like a favor they were doing her, like it wasn’t real.
She trusted that Zora’s account of her family life was real, that they all loved and cared for each other, but they felt like the exception.
Now, she was far away with people who had no reason or vested interest in liking her, in caring for her, but here they were, doing it all the same.
They loved each other enough to love her too.
And, of course, it wasn’t the same. It wasn’t real, deep love, but it was enough.
They cared enough that Audrey knew she couldn’t go back and struggle through the next few days with a family who couldn’t muster as much care as five strangers were doing.
Maybe Hallie wasn’t a stranger at this point. And that probably was relevant. Audrey didn’t want to go back to her own home because she wanted these few days with Hallie. She wanted to be in her home state and enjoy it, to feel like part of her belonged there.
“Okay,” Tracy said cheerfully, as the three of them piled back into the car. “Now, we could go home, or… we could head over to a little Christmas market.”
Hallie leaned forward from the back seat. She’d insisted on sitting there and allowing Audrey to ride shotgun. “How are you feeling?”
Audrey looked down, a little embarrassed. She wasn’t used to people caring. “I’m good.”
“You’re sure?”
She looked at Hallie, feeling pulled in by her electric eyes. “I promise.”
“Great. So, Christmas market?”
Audrey nodded. “Christmas market.”
Tracy clapped her hands together and turned the car on. She didn't, however, say anything, and she’d been unobtrusively looking out of the window as Hallie had checked on Audrey.
Audrey couldn’t help feeling like Tracy knew Hallie was the reason she was sticking around.
That would have felt a lot more terrifying if it was her own mother.
As they started driving, Hallie didn’t settle back in her seat.
She was strapped in, but she leaned forward, her hands either gripping Audrey’s seat or moving to hold her shoulders.
It was nice, but Audrey wasn’t surprised at the knowing smile on Tracy’s face every time she glanced at the two of them.
Zora had always commented on how her mom just seemed to know things. Audrey had spent her whole life praying that her mother wouldn’t know things. She didn’t mind Tracy knowing.
When they made it to the location, Tracy jumped out of the car remarkably quickly, muttering something about grabbing a hat from the trunk. She’d been wearing a hat all day. It was in her coat pocket. Audrey knew what she was doing but she wasn’t going to call the woman out.
Hallie unbuckled and leaned closer to Audrey, wrapping around the back of her seat and her. “How are you doing, really?”
“I’m good.” Audrey’s hand found one of Hallie’s arms and it felt so natural to just lean into the embrace, even with a car seat between them.
“You can be bad, you know?”
Audrey’s head whipped towards her, eyes wide as she attempted not to laugh. “Thank you?”
Hallie laughed, shaking her head. “Okay, that was an odd way to say that.”
“Not at all.”
“Yeah, right.”
Audrey sighed. “I promise I’m doing a lot better than I was before. Thank you.”
“I’m so glad.”
Audrey was too. However, she was also very aware of Tracy waiting for them. She tapped Hallie’s arm. “Your mom is going to think… well, that I’m being bad if we stay here too long.”
Hallie barked a surprised laugh, finally pulling back from Audrey, a little too slowly. “Thank you so much for that thought.”
“You’re so welcome.” Audrey laughed and finally moved to get out of the car. She didn’t fully understand what was going on between her and Hallie, but she liked it, and, for one moment, she was just going to let herself have that.
“Ready?” Tracy asked Hallie with a pointed grin.
Hallie nodded as she shot her mom a look. Audrey loved their dynamic. She loved the way Tracy knew each of her children, the clear openness that existed between them.
They joined the crowds heading towards the market and any thoughts Audrey was having about how Tracy was viewing her relationship with Hallie—any questions she had about what the whole thing was and how they were going to handle it—slipped from her mind.
The snow came down in gentle, sparkling flakes, and dark green stalls with white trims lined the paths around them.
Audrey looked up at the twinkling lights and around at the people laughing, chatting, and generally having a wonderful time.
She did festive things with Zora. She’d done them with other friends over the years.
But she’d never been here, in Michigan, in the snow, just taking it all in without concern.
Her family still prickled at the back of her mind but it was manageable.
Especially since all she could really feel was this overwhelming sense of gratitude, of peace and belonging.
There was nowhere else in the world she was supposed to be than standing beside Hallie in the snow as the world glowed joyously around them.
“Oh, there’s Dirk,” Tracy said, gesturing to a guy who was manning one of the stalls.
He looked over and shot Tracy a huge grin, one Audrey wasn’t fully convinced didn’t match the smiles she’d been giving Hallie all day.
As he waved them over, Hallie looped her arm through Audrey’s. “I feel like you’re going to love this.”
“Your mom and Dirk?”
She snorted. “No, although, you clearly are super smart, Dr. Bee. It took you all of one smile and a wave to pick up on that, huh?”
Audrey hung her head in amusement at the nickname and the compliment. “It felt a little obvious, don’t you think?”
“Ah, no more obvious than I’ve been with you.”
Audrey’s stomach dropped and fizzed. Sure, last night, Hallie had been forthcoming with her compliments, but part of Audrey had wondered whether it was all just a ploy to help her feel better. Now, she did feel better, Hallie knew that, and she was still flirting? “Uh… right.”
Hallie laughed and pulled her forward, clearly more than a little delighted at her reaction. “I actually meant Dirk’s stall. He makes the most incredible snow globes.”
“Oh,” Audrey breathed, looking up at the stall again. “It feels like we’re living in a snow globe right now.”
“This would be a perfect snow globe moment.”
Audrey found agreeing easy. The scene was perfect, the two of them linked together and smiling at each other. If it were in a snow globe, it would last forever. She found, of all the moments in her life, this would definitely make the list of ones she wanted to keep for eternity.
And Hallie was right, of course. Dirk was preoccupied with Tracy, but his stall was lined with stunning, unique snow globes. Small ones, large ones, ones with glitter, modern ones, traditional ones. He was clearly a great craftsman.
“We have one at home,” Hallie told her quietly, “that Dirk made. It has a photo of the five of us in it. Little snowmen and sleds inside.”
“That sounds lovely,” Audrey replied, her voice equally soft. The rest of the visitors felt like they were fading into the background when it was just her and Hallie and quiet, secretive voices.
“It is. We’ve had it for a long time but it’s always been my favorite of the decorations.”
“You like photos,” Audrey observed, thinking of the wall of them in Hallie’s room.
She smiled up at Audrey, and the rest of the world really was disappearing. “Yeah. I always have. Not the perfectly posed ones, but the real ones. The photos where you capture a moment in time, where you look back at them and feel every emotion all over again.”
“I’ve never really liked photos, probably precisely because of that.
My family would take them, but the ones they’d keep and put on display were always so formal and forced.
They’d pick them apart, comment on expressions and bodies and a million other things that don’t need to be important.
They were not like the photos you have in your room. ”
“You deserved to have all the wonderful, real, beautiful photos, Audrey.” She moved to stand directly in front of her. “I meant what I said last night. You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met, and you deserve to have a world of photos that capture and celebrate that.”
“I think you might be the only one who thinks so.”