Chapter Twenty-One
“So, they’re taking it well, then?” Zora asked from thousands of miles away when Audrey took her call on the balcony off Hallie’s bedroom.
Audrey sighed, her whole body sagging with the weight of it. “I know it was a lie, but what if it hadn’t been? The lack of compassion for Hallie’s mother and her fake broken leg is just… overwhelming.”
“Yeah, babe, just like their constant lack of compassion for you is.”
“Oh, I don’t know—”
“Do not even try to brush that off. They treat you like shit and the rest of us can see it.”
Something ached in Audrey’s chest. She didn’t want to annoy her friends, but it never felt the same.
What her family did to her—how they treated her—that was familiar, known, usual.
It didn’t feel the same as their lack of compassion for a potentially injured woman.
But that was Hallie’s whole point, wasn’t it?
Zora’s whole point. Her therapist’s whole point.
She’d been trained so well on letting them treat her that way because it was just how her family was.
Because, sometimes, things were good, they did nice things for her, they looked after her and kept her alive.
Being kept alive was such a low fucking bar. How the hell was she supposed to switch off the part of her brain that thought that was reasonable?
Probably by starting with not immediately pushing back on people calling them out.
Zora let out a heavy breath. “I know it’s hard. I know it’s shit. And I know I’m never going to get exactly what it’s like for you, but, babe, you deserve so much better than that crap.”
“You think?”
“Yes. With my whole heart.”
The voice that sprang up automatically sounded like her own, but a tiny part of Audrey wondered whether it wasn’t, whether it was the voices of her family insisting they were in the right, they were good, it was all her fault. And she’d just been programmed to think it was her own voice.
She nodded slowly, looking at the heavy blanket of snow falling only feet away from her. Beautiful, clean, fresh, undamaged.
Zora cleared her throat. “Hallie thinks so too.”
Even through the flood of emotions, Audrey couldn’t help smiling. “Yes, I heard you two had an early-morning chat.”
“We did,” Zora agreed without concern. “I like her. She’s good for you.”
“You got that from one call?”
“Oh, you know, one call and you telling me about her.” She laughed. “And it’s not like she’s hard to read. She likes you. You like her.”
Audrey hummed. There was no denying that. Hallie had been very open with the fact and it made Audrey want to be open too, to be brave. “It’s not really a problem of mismatched attraction.”
“There’s a problem?”
“Oh, about two thousand three hundred of them…”
“What?”
“The distance, Zora.”
She snorted. “Not you too. Who cares about a bit of distance? Have you forgotten we live in modern times, Professor? There’s this magical thing called technology that helps you stay in touch with people far away.”
Audrey rolled her eyes. She couldn’t have this conversation with Hallie present, but she hoped Hallie would join her on the balcony soon.
Balconies had kind of become their thing and she wanted more of it before they ran out of time.
“I’m aware it exists. I’m also aware I’m not really cut out for that. ”
“Why not?”
“Oh, you know, life, work, the fact that I’d need far too much constant reassurance that it would just ruin things.”
“That’s what you think. Maybe Hallie wants to give you that reassurance.”
“That’s not a relationship. That’s us claiming to be in one and me having a breakdown every day because some tiny thing was off and we’re so far apart that tiny things feel like massive ones that break us.”
Zora groaned like she didn’t agree but accepted it was how Audrey was seeing things. “Okay, well, are you at least enjoying each other while you’re in the same place? Does she want to move to LA?”
Audrey laughed. “I don’t think so. And, as for your first question… I don’t know.”
“What does that mean?” Zora asked, perking up.
“It means we’ve talked about kissing, that we talked about sex, and, so far, we haven’t done either.”
“Why not?” She sounded outraged that kissing and sex were on the table but the two of them were resisting. Which, to be fair, she probably was. Zora was very into enjoying pleasure, jumping into the moment and basking in it. Audrey had always admired that about her.
“Ah, because we’re both very aware that I’m leaving in a few days and it’s going to hurt either way, so, how do you make a choice knowing that?”
“Uh, you make the choice to do it. If you’re going to be hurting either way, why not? You don’t want to go to your grave regretting the things you didn’t do.”
She was right.
Audrey considered the things she’d take to the grave more than the average person. It was always the things she’d never done that haunted her the most. And she really wanted to kiss Hallie. “Have you ever kissed someone and felt like it was going to change everything?”
“Everyone I kiss feels like that, babe. That’s part of the amazing, the wondrous, the reason it’s worth doing. I know you don’t kiss people, but every single one of them is going to leave their mark on you, and that’s fucking spectacular.”
Audrey smiled and moved to lean on the snow-covered railing. “I love the way you think about people, about human connection.”
Zora laughed proudly. “I know you do, and, now, you can take a leaf out of my book and kiss the fucking woman. She wants you so bad it hurts me, and I’ve never even met her.”
“I want her so bad it hurts too.”
“I’m aware. God knows you’ve kept people at arm’s length long enough. It’s about time you let someone in and got something good.”
“I don’t know how you do it.”
“What?”
“Meet people, let them in…”
“It’s one of those things that gets easier with practice, when you get to show your brain that letting people close doesn’t always hurt.”
Audrey felt like her ribs were cracking in half.
Intellectually, she knew people let others in.
She knew she’d let Zora in and it had only ever gone well.
But she had, from the feeling of necessity, kept the rest of the world at a distance.
She knew people but she didn’t let them close, afraid of what they’d do if they had power over her.
But, Hallie had seen her falling apart, she had so much power over Audrey, and all she’d wielded it for was to care. That wasn’t terrible.
The door behind her cracked open and she sucked in a deep breath, tamping down the raging emotions as she turned to look at Hallie. She was bundled up, and looked adorable, but Audrey’s focus was on her mesmerizing smile and eyes.
“Zora?” Hallie whispered, nodding at Audrey’s phone.
Audrey nodded as she said, “Zora, Hallie’s here. Want me to put you on speaker?” They’d already chatted. What would be the point in trying to keep them apart? Especially when the last thing Audrey wanted was to do that.
“Absolutely,” Zora replied quickly and emphatically. “Let’s see if your girlfriend is more receptive to sense than you are.”
Audrey shook her head as she put the phone on speaker. She wasn’t worried about whatever Zora was going to say. It wouldn’t be worse or more obvious than the conversations she and Hallie had already had about wanting each other.
“Hallie, it’s been hours since we first spoke and I’m hearing you and my troublesome best friend over here still haven’t kissed,” she said, starting off strong. “What’s going on there?”
Hallie’s cheeks looked a little too pink as she laughed and shot Audrey a look. “The complications of living in different states, I think.”
“So she lives in another state. That doesn’t stop you wanting to fuck her, right? I once went on a few dates with a woman in New York, literally the other side of the country, and we made it work.”
Audrey was grateful that Hallie didn’t seem thrown by Zora’s directness. She could see the two of them getting along.
Hallie leaned on the handrail close to Audrey, boldly looking straight into her eyes as Zora interrogated them. “I appreciate your input, Zora. I think it might be a little more complicated than that, but I’m glad to know you made it work.”
“Right, because that’s what you do. So, I’m going to leave you to figure that out together.”
Audrey laughed. She could tell just how much Zora preferred this for her trip home than the horror of dealing with her family. Either way, Audrey was grateful to have her, but she was glad to be calling while relaxed in Michigan for a change. “Have a good evening, Zora.”
“You too, babe. I love you bigger than the whole sky. And, Hallie, I don’t yet know you well enough to love you that much, but I love you for loving Audrey.” And, with that, she hung up.
Audrey hurriedly put her phone in her pocket, as if doing so would cover up Zora overstating their relationship by quite a lot.
Her yet hung in Audrey’s mind. Regardless of what happened between her and Hallie, she wanted to stay in touch.
Maybe that meant Hallie and Zora would stay in touch too.
Maybe, one day, Zora really would know her well enough to love her bigger than the whole sky.
It probably wouldn’t even take much. Zora was so free and open with her love.
The exact opposite of Audrey. But Audrey knew what it was like to be enveloped in that love and she knew it was better than living life without it.
Perhaps she could use more of that energy in her life.
“Sorry about her,” she told Hallie, not quite able to meet her eye.
“You don’t need to be. I like her. She’s direct but it works, you know? I can see why you love her, why she’s good for you.”
Audrey laughed in surprise. “She said you were good for me too.”
Hallie smiled, sweet and consuming. “I’m glad. I want to be good for you.”
“You are,” Audrey assured her, voice burning with sincerity. “I can’t tell you what this week would have been like without you.”
“Yeah?” She stepped closer to Audrey.
“Without a doubt.”
Reaching for Hallie came as naturally as breathing, Audrey’s gloved hands finding Hallie’s waist, even as it was buried under layers of clothing. There was no way they were making it to Sunday without kissing.
Hallie looked entirely enamored as her hands moved to Audrey’s shoulders. Audrey was again struck by the desire to capture the moment on film. She finally understood what Hallie meant about photographs, and, now, all she wanted was to capture every single moment with her on film.
“How old were you when you got your first camera?” she asked, pulling Hallie a little closer into her body.
The snow glittered around them and everything about the moment was perfect.
Hallie grinned, shaking her head as she considered the question. “I don’t know. I remember using disposables my whole life. People were always taking pictures—my mom, mostly. I got a Polaroid camera when I was a teenager. Loved that thing.”
Several of the photos in the room behind them were Polaroids probably taken on that very camera.
There really was something special about holding onto those little pieces of the past. Audrey had spent her whole life trying to get rid of things from her past because they were so frequently contaminated, but those pictures…
the ones this moment could create… those were forever memories, clean and safe and always.
“I’ve never actually used a Polaroid,” Audrey told her, a little embarrassed at the confession for no good reason.
A different smile crept across Hallie’s face, something adoring and hopeful, as she wrapped her arms around the back of Audrey’s neck. “We’ll try one out together.”
“Yeah?”
“Yes.”
Audrey sucked in a breath, leaning down towards Hallie automatically, without resisting. It simply felt like the place she was meant to be. And she wanted to live in a world where she took Polaroid pictures with Hallie. “I’d like that.”
“Me too.”
“I wish I could capture this moment right now.”
Hallie hummed, the sound impossibly enthralling. “Me too.” She sucked in a breath, moving closer to Audrey’s face. “I don’t think I’m making it to Sunday without kissing you, Dr. Bee.”
Audrey breathed a laugh. That nickname was taking on a whole other dynamic now that she seemed to be exclusively using it in moments where they were both aching with the need to kiss.
“It’s late, there’s basically only two days to go,” she whispered, trying for levity even as her heart broke at the idea.
“That does nothing other than make the need more urgent, Audrey.”
“Is that right, Hallie?” she asked as she shuddered at Hallie using her name like that. She desperately wanted to hear every way Hallie could say her name—whisper it, cry it, gasp it.
The shudder that shot through her suggested Hallie was feeling the exact same way. “It is. Maybe we should take Zora’s advice and just go for it.”
Audrey hummed, adjusting her position and brushing her cold nose against Hallie’s cheek.
The difference in temperature between the two was hypnotic.
Her hand clenched tighter on Hallie’s waist, her breath coming faster.
Her senses were filled with Hallie and the snow, the two of them alone on a balcony, the only two people in the world.
When she remembered how to speak, she sucked in a sharp breath. “Zora actually pointed out that, when you die, you regret the things you didn’t do…”
Hallie’s hot breath rushed over Audrey’s skin in the most tantalizing way when she laughed. “It makes sense that would be the way to get through to you.”
“Yeah… Sorry.”
“I’m not. I like the way you are. I like you, Audrey.”
“I like you too.”
“And I really want to kiss you,” she said, breathless and beautiful.
“Even if I can’t promise more than this?”
“Yes. We both know what we have, we know we’re on a clock, but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life regretting you.”
Audrey didn’t want that either. But she did want to kiss Hallie.
She nodded.
Hallie gasped. “Audrey, what’s that a yes for? I need to be very clear.”
She hummed again, leaning in to tease her lips over Hallie’s. “Yes. Kiss me. Please.”
And she did. Surging in to press her hot lips against Audrey’s. Everything felt heightened in the freezing night around them, the snow piling up. And it was incredible.
Hallie’s gloved hand held the back of her head, their lips moving in perfect sync. And, when she sucked Audrey’s lip into her mouth, the heat of it was overwhelming. Every part of Audrey’s body felt like it was coming alive with the kiss.
How had she ever thought of resisting this? She’d spend every day of her life missing this, but not having it would have been a million times worse.
Going through life without kissing Hallie Fuller would have been a crime, and Audrey had no interest living that life.