Chapter Twenty-Three
Audrey was numb as she stood in front of Tracy’s home on Sunday morning. It was early. They had a long drive back, needed to pick up River and their things.
And drop Audrey at the airport for her flight home.
She’d never been so heartbroken to leave this place. But, then, she’d never loved Michigan the way she could when it was Hallie’s Michigan.
Luca smiled sadly at her, like he understood exactly what she was going through. All of the Fullers had the same expression. Maybe they all got it.
He pulled her into a tight hug. “Don’t be a stranger, yeah?”
She nodded, not sure she could speak without crying. It was silly. She’d only just met them. But they’d welcomed her in, treated her like family, like she was safe and home with them.
Isaac threw his arms around the two of them, holding her alone for an extra moment when Luca stepped back to give them space. “We’ve loved having you. And, you have to come back because we need more fascinating bug facts.”
“Yeah,” Luca agreed readily. “You can’t leave us fools suffering out here without knowing anything.”
“You all know plenty,” she said weakly, amused but shattered.
“And we’ll know more with you around,” Wes said, moving in to scoop her up in a hug.
She gasped as he lifted her clean off the floor. It felt exactly like being a part of the family, something she’d never had with her own brother. “You’ll have your new arachnologist to talk to, you don’t need me.”
“I’ll throw you in the lake if you keep saying things like that,” he threatened good naturedly. “We could meet every spider specialist in the world and we’d still want you around.”
Audrey’s heart was already broken enough without the way his voice turned soft when he promised they wanted her around. They didn’t need her around for the optics, to have a punching bag in easy reach. They just wanted to spend time with her.
Sure, that would lessen the longer she was gone, but, for now, it felt real and that mattered more than she’d ever be able to explain.
Wes put her down, his eyes glistening with tears as he gave her a serious look, and Audrey didn’t know what to do with that.
She was feeling like a fool for being upset for leaving them, but here he was, a whole great, happy family around him, and he was that sad about her leaving?
She wasn’t sure she’d ever done anything that made her worthy of the Fullers.
Behind her, the car door slammed, Hallie finishing setting it up for their drive, but Audrey’s attention was claimed by Tracy as the guys moved to smother Hallie with love and support. She deserved every second of it.
Tracy took Audrey’s face between her hands, making her feel tiny again. “You, honey, are a blessing to the world and to all of us who know you.”
Audrey’s eyes burned as she blinked rapidly, swallowing hard. There was so much of her children in her eyes. So much of Hallie.
“Whenever your family is making your day darker,” she continued, “remember that there is a warm, chaotic family right here that loves you exactly as you are. Feel free to call or visit anytime you need. This is always home for you.”
“You don’t have to—” she broke off, tears escaping her eyes, and Tracy pulled her into a tight, motherly hug. One of those hugs that felt simultaneously like permission to fall apart and like it would hold all of the pieces of her together for as long as she couldn’t do that for herself.
When Audrey finally pulled back, Tracy shot her a look that promised she knew she didn’t have to do anything, that she simply wanted to. She had more than enough love to go around and truly welcome someone else in.
Why had love always been so limited in her own family?
“We’ll see you soon,” Tracy said, as if that were possible.
Audrey nodded, wishing it could be, and headed towards the car and Hallie.
Music was already playing inside, a smart choice because the air between them felt wretched and forlorn.
They clung to each other’s hands as soon as Hallie had the car in drive and Audrey fought her tears as she waved to the Fullers and their beautiful home.
She wasn’t saying goodbye to Hallie. They weren’t together but this wasn’t a breakup either. They were friends who had kissed. That was fine. Friends kissed sometimes.
Thoughts that tried to make the whole thing tolerable bounced around her head as they drove, and, the closer they got to her family’s cabin, the more they battled the deep ache that took root at being back in that place.
They’d already agreed Audrey wouldn’t go to the house.
River had collected Hallie’s and Audrey’s things, and Hallie was going to pick her up, leaving Audrey at a café.
Part of her felt like she needed to go back but she couldn’t.
The experience wasn’t tolerable, wasn’t manageable, and today was already tough enough.
◆◆◆
“Audrey!” River yelled as she raced up to her table once Hallie returned with her.
Audrey smiled and stood to greet her, but her eyes found Hallie. Something was off.
“I missed you so much.” River winced as she stood back. “But I totally understand why you needed to leave. Our family is a bit…”
“Yeah, it is,” Audrey agreed. Whatever the end of that sentence was, it was true. She felt bad for being the impetus for River finally realizing, but maybe she’d have noticed one day anyway.
Hallie moved to her side, slipping her hand into Audrey’s with no apparent concern that River would see.
“Is everything okay?” Audrey asked quietly.
She hummed. “Fine. Just had… words with your mother.”
River laughed. “That’s such a mild description of it. She tore Michele a new one.”
Audrey blinked, looking down at Hallie. “What?”
“Sorry,” Hallie said with a slight frown.
“I didn’t mean to do anything you wouldn’t like, but she was screaming about where you were and that you owed her your presence, that she was your mother and knew you better than anyone else did.
She said she was going to hold your stuff hostage until you showed up and made this right. So, I just… got a little… defensive.”
“It was amazing,” River said, looking up at the menu, and Audrey had to wonder if she shouldn’t have been so worried about smashing the illusion for River.
She was taking the collapse of their family dynamics remarkably well.
“Michele was practically purple in the face by the end of it. Everyone saw. And, like, she deserves it. She’s been a nightmare all week. ”
“Our whole family is a nightmare,” Audrey said, quiet but confident.
Criticizing them still didn’t feel great, but that one could be played off as a joke, as affectionate.
She didn’t mean it that way, but it was a step in the right direction.
And she was only with Hallie, who definitely thought that, and River, who was apparently coming around.
River grinned at her. “Yeah. They kind of are. Sorry. But at least it led to you two meeting.” She gestured between the two of them. “You’re so cute together.”
Audrey knew she was supposed to deny that they were together, insist they were just friends. But she didn’t want to.
Hallie didn’t want to either, apparently. She simply leaned into Audrey’s chest, her free hand reaching up to wrap around Audrey’s neck.
River bounced away to order a drink, and Audrey took Hallie in her arms, breathing the scent of her hair in. “Thank you for yelling at my mother.”
“You’re welcome,” Hallie whispered. “Someone needed to do it. I wanted to wait until it was you, when you were ready to yell at her yourself, but I wasn’t putting up with that.”
“I’m glad you did it. They’d never listen to me.
That’s part of why it feels pointless to even try.
Everyone would just brush it off as me being weird and annoying.
This way, it came from the outside. They got their worst fear, I suppose.
Someone saw the perfect family image and noticed it was bullshit, called them out and didn’t want to be part of it.
” She kissed the top of Hallie’s head. “You’re very impressive, you know? ”
“Not as impressive as you, Dr. Bee. And they should have been telling you that all along.”
Audrey shrugged. She didn’t know about that, but she was oddly glad of whatever had happened in life that led her to Hallie. It wasn’t being grateful for the things her family put her through, it wasn’t legitimizing that, but she liked being someone Hallie enjoyed.
Keeping her arms wrapped around Audrey, Hallie pulled her head back to look up at her. “Are you ready to be back in the sun?”
“No.”
Hallie’s breath sounded rough as she nodded. They were both trying to be okay with this whole thing, but it wasn’t okay. “Michigan will always be here for you, you know?”
“Yeah?”
“Most definitely. It loves you more than you’ve been led to believe.”
Audrey laughed wetly. She wasn’t sure the state had any real feelings about her, but she liked leaving it knowing there were things she’d miss there, feeling like coming back wouldn’t be the torment it usually was.
Perhaps Michigan didn’t have feelings about her, but, for her, it had always been synonymous with her family. Not anymore. It was all Hallie now.
“And, you know,” Hallie said, attempting to temper the hope in her voice, “maybe I’ll get a trip to see some sunshine soon…”
Audrey’s heart ached with wanting. She needed to know what that would be like, what the two of them would be like in a different place, without the terror of her family hanging over them. “I’d like that.”
Hallie laughed. “Well, I work at an inn, I suppose I should be good at finding accommodation.”
Audrey frowned. “Hallie… if you’re coming to California, you don’t need to find a place to stay.”
“No?”
“Of course not. You just let me stay with you all week. You think I’d let you stay somewhere else?”
“Oh, is that all it is? Just repaying the favor?” She said it lightly, like a joke, but this was serious.
“No. That’s not it at all.” She sucked in a breath, trying to calm her heart. “I don’t want this to be it. I know we’re not together properly and it’s complicated and… a million other things, but, Hallie, I don’t want this to be it.”
“I don’t either,” she whispered, like she, too, didn’t know exactly what they were agreeing to, what they were trying to be. They just knew that there was something between them that they weren’t quite ready to give up on.
Audrey nodded. She didn’t yet have words to explain it, to discuss it, to try figuring out exactly what they could be.
So, instead, she placed her fingers under Hallie’s chin, revelling in her soft skin and the magnetic look in her eyes, and she leaned in to kiss her, throwing everything she could into the kiss and hoping it wouldn’t be one of their last.