MAYA BROOKE
My arms wrap tightly around Finn’s neck as I tug his lips to mine. His hands slide around my waist and draw me into his chest. When our mouths meet, I sigh with satisfaction and relief. It’s not the first time we’ve kissed, but I definitely want it to escalate.
Finn moves his hands from my waist to cup my cheeks, tilting my head back an inch to kiss me deeper. My heart thumps against my ribcage at the way he holds me—the way you see in movies and swoon.
And holy shit. I’m swooning.
Over the last three months, we’ve gotten closer and closer. After asking for his number and taking the plunge for once, we started to have study dates, which turned into actual dates. There’s just something about him that draws me in, and I can’t seem to stay away.
My fingers start to make quick work as they drop down to his belt. He grabs my hands, breaking the kiss. When I open my eyes, I stare back at him with pinched brows as his chest heaves against mine.
“What?” I whisper.
“We should slow down,” he murmurs over my lips.
“Why? I don’t want to slow down. I’m ready for this.”
Hell, I’ve been ready for a few weeks now, and I’m eager for him to take my virginity.
Finn exhales a low breath and sinks his teeth into his bottom lip. “I don’t want you to regret this,” he says, and I can see the hesitation in his eyes.
“What would I regret?” I say as I lift up onto my toes. “I trust you, and I want this. I want it to be with someone special, and you are very special to me, Finn.”
His throat bobs as he swallows, flicking his eyes between mine slowly. “Maya…” He trails off and cups my cheek again, his thumb grazing over my jawline, which makes me shudder. “Are you sure?”
“I’ve never been so sure of anything in my entire life.” I press my mouth to his and grip onto his T-shirt with a tight fist. “Unless you don’t want to.”
“No, I definitely want to,” he groans. “I just want you to do it for yourself, not for me.”
My thighs clench together at his words. “I promise I’m doing it for myself, and I want it to be with you.”
Finn rests his forehead against mine gently. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.” He’s the only person I’ve felt safe with, the only person I trust. “Please.”
He kisses me once more, knocking all the air from my lungs. “You tell me if I hurt you, okay?”
“You’re not going to hurt me.” I sink my fingers into the back of his hair. “You could never hurt me.”
Finn picks me up and carries me towards my bed, gently laying me down until his body covers mine, and our clothes start to drop to my bedroom floor. I give him all of my trust, and he gives me safety in return.
“Maya, are you listening?”
I draw my hand away from my fist as I stare back at my professor, who doesn’t look impressed. “Yeah,” I blurt. “Yeah, I was listening.”
He raises his brows as if seeing straight through me. “Then there is no doubt your next paper will be exceptional.”
“Yep.” I fake a smile.
When we’re dismissed, Jade steps to my side and nudges me gently. “You good?”
No. I’m far from good, and I barely listened to a second of that lecture. It’s been three days since we slept together, and I might as well not exist. He texted me the day after, but since all of my texts have gone unanswered, and I feel like a fool.
There’s a small, nagging part of me that thinks that’s all he wanted from me, but at the same time, he never pressured me into it. It was my choice, so I don’t have a clue what’s going on or why I’m being given the silent treatment.
Did I do something wrong?
Was I so terrible he had to ghost me?
Does he hate my naked body?
Jade steps in front of me as we reach the canteen. “Maya?”
My eyes clock familiar blond hair leaving the opposite side of the building. I’ve not seen him around campus since, and I’m not letting him get away until he explains to me what the hell he thinks he’s playing at.
“I’ll see you in class, Jade.” I excuse myself before running in the direction of Finn. I flare my nostrils as I speed up behind him. “Hey,” I call out loudly.
Finn immediately stops at the sound of my voice, and he turns to face me. I pull back an inch as I examine his droopy eyes and pale complexion. I’ve not seen him look this bad since…well, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look this bad at all.
“Maya,” he croaks as if he hasn’t spoken in days.
I fold my arms over my chest. “Care to explain why the hell you’ve been ignoring me as soon as you fucked me and took my virginity?”
He flinches, looking around before shaking his head. “I’ve—” He pauses for a moment and runs a hand through his tousled hair.
“What? I wasn’t good enough, is that it?”
My throat burns as I voice it out loud. I’ve never really been confident like this before. Finn was the first person I actively sought out because of how easily we connected, like we’d been friends for years.
“What? No,” he says as if his chest is about to give out. “I’m sorry, I’ve just been having a bad time over the last few days, and I’ve been ignoring my phone.”
I study him for a long moment as my forehead creases. “And you didn’t think how that might come across to me?”
Finn steps forward, green eyes lifeless and exhausted. “I’m sorry, Maya. I’ve not been thinking at all. I didn’t do it on purpose. What we did that night…fuck, it was everything to me. I didn’t want it to end, I just wanted to stay in that moment with you forever.”
“Then why didn’t I even deserve an explanation?” I whisper despite his words making my heart thrash. “The thoughts that went through my head made me feel like I was going fucking crazy, and maybe that’s because I like you too much.”
Finn’s eyes glass over with thick remorse. “Of course you deserved an explanation. You deserved better than that, and I’m sorry. I’m just a mess right now.”
I frown at the sadness in his words. “What’s going on, Finn?”
“You wouldn’t understand.” Finn’s voice crumbles.
I step towards him. “Then tell me.”
He releases a jagged breath. “I can’t.”
“Why?”
“It’s too much, Maya.”
I sigh in defeat. “Well, if you want to talk to me about it, you can. You know I’d never judge you for anything. I’ve made that very clear from the moment we met.”
When I turn around to leave, he reaches for my wrist, holding me in place. I sigh and look down to the floor, trying to ignore the way my body reacts to his touch.
“I’m not good for you,” he heaves.
My head whips towards him, and I narrow my eyes. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“I am not good enough for you.” He enunciates every word with frustration.
“That is a lie. You are a good person, Finn, and I know you have demons that haunt you. I can literally see when your soul leaves your eyes sometimes.”
Finn’s head drops. “I made you think you did something wrong, Maya,” he rasps heavily. “When it was one of the best nights of my life because you made me forget everything, and all I felt was you. But it’s not your fault, you could never do anything wrong. It’s my fault.”
The hoarseness of his voice is near painful.
“You don’t deserve to carry around his agony, Finn,” I whisper and step closer. “It’s clearly eating you alive, and it’s not healthy.”
“If I tell you, you won’t want anything to do with me again.”
My face scrunches up at his accusation. “Well, let me be the judge of that.”
Finn clears his throat as he steps away. “I’m sorry that I hurt you. Just know I mean it when I say that night meant everything to me. I need to go.”
“Wait, Finn—” I call out, but he turns and leaves, shaking his head with tense shoulders.
My throat tightens because I believe he wasn’t ghosting me for any other reason than the fact he’s struggling with something, but if he refuses to talk about it, he’s going to end up drowning in his bottled-up emotions.
And yet I don’t know how to help him without pushing him further away.
As I snuggle up in bed with my laptop beside my head while I watch old episodes of Catfish, I grip onto my pillow and curl into a ball. There is a knock at my bedroom door that startles me, and I tap my phone to reveal it’s almost eleven o’clock at night.
I pause the programme and swipe the covers from my body before walking to the door. I pull it back to find Finn standing on the other side. The stench of vodka hits me square in the face.
“Finn.” I blink in surprise.
He drags his bloodshot eyes to mine, and that’s when I realise how red and puffy they are.
“What’s wrong?”
Finn sways from side to side, and I reach for him, drawing him into my bedroom before he collapses in the hall. “I-I’m sorry for coming here,” he slurs. “I-I didn’t know where else to go.”
I guide him to my bed as he falls down onto his back. “Don’t be sorry. What’s going on?”
Finn sniffles and presses his hands to his face. “You were right.” He gasps for breath. “It’s eating me alive, and I can’t breathe.”
Panic laces through me at how distraught he sounds, and it’s something from my worst nightmares. I lean forward and help him sit up, shuffling him back against the wall.
“I can’t fucking breathe, Maya. I. Can’t. Fucking. Breathe.”
“You can,” I reassure him as I stroke back his hair. “I promise you can. Nothing is going to happen to you. I’m right here. Just listen to my voice.”
Finn chokes out a breath and wraps his arms around me. I kiss away his tears and squeeze my eyes shut as I attempt to calm him until his breathing is even.
“I almost killed my sister.”
I freeze. “What?”
He says something, but I don’t hear him. I pull back and hold his face between my hands and force his watery eyes to mine.
“I made up a lie about her,” he hiccups. “And her boyfriend drove them off a bridge because of it. She almost died. I saw all the blood. I did that to her. It was all my fault.”
My lips tremble. “Wha—” Words aren’t forming from the shock that hits my system. His sister almost died.
“I-I didn’t want them to be together. She deserved better, and I did the worst thing imaginable. I thought it would break them up because I knew he was cheating on her, but he tried to kill them both instead. And I fucking hate myself every day. Every. Single. Day.”
Tears continue to leak down his face as I listen to his mumbling voice.
“Finn—”
“If I knew that’s what he was going to do, I never would have done something so disgusting,” he spits as his face scrunches up. “I would have swapped places with her in a heartbeat. I almost lost her.”
His eyes find mine, searching my expression, and he crumbles again.
“I knew you’d think differently of me,” he mumbles. “I’m a bad person, Maya.”
“Hey.” I cup his cheek. “You are showing guilt, and that proves a lot. And you didn’t know he was going to do that. Like you said, you wouldn’t have done it if you knew.”
And I’m still trying to wrap my head around this because I’m in total shock.
“I shouldn’t have done it regardless. I hate myself,” he says through gritted teeth. “I hate myself more than you could possibly know, and you should hate me too. I’m not a good person.”
I hug him again because I don’t know what else to do. The sheer pain he’s projecting is clear and alive, and it’s destroying him. “She’s okay, Finn. That’s what matters.”
“That’s not the point. I—”
“Don’t think about the what-ifs.” I shake my head. “What matters is that she’s alive.”
“She doesn’t even know.”
I frown. “Know what?”
“She doesn’t know I made up the rumour.” He drops his head to my shoulder. “She has no idea, and I don’t know how to tell her. She’s going to hate me, and I’m fearful of really losing her.”
“You need to tell her,” I whisper. “She deserves to know, and it might help you with closure, with moving on, with focusing on doing better.”
Finn’s lifeless eyes find mine. “What’s the point? I feel dead inside anyway. Sometimes I don’t even wanna be here.”
“Don’t say that.” I brush my thumb over his cheek, my eyes stinging at his declaration.
“I don’t know what to do,” he sobs. “You’re the only thing that feels right in my life. You’re sunshine, you’ve always been sunshine. Darkness had been taking over until I met you, and being with you makes me feel lighter, for the first time in years.”
“Finn—”
“That night we had together was so fucking perfect. I love being with you, but you don’t deserve this side of me. I’m so sorry for ignoring you after. I spiralled and convinced myself you’re better off without me. I am an asshole. You should hate me.”
I hold him tightly and brush my fingers through his hair. His breathing starts to slow, and when I lay him back down on the bed, I realise he’s asleep.
My heart rattles in my chest as I think through what he said and how much guilt he allows to ride on his shoulders. I take off his shoes and draw the sheets up to his chest before settling into the bed beside him, but I don’t sleep.
I watch him and digest his confession.