FINN THOMPSON
Nothing could have prepared me for this. Nothing could have prepared me for the fact that I am a father. Except I heard the words, I just don’t remember.
Our baby. Our baby.
I blink through the instant head fog as I try to piece together anything about that night. But I was paralytic, and nausea churns in my stomach at the thought of how the conversation went.
I’m pregnant, Finn.
“Fuck,” I groan as I dig the heels of my palms into my eye sockets.
I don’t know what came after that, but from the way Maya just spat her words at me, I know it wasn’t nice…because I am not a nice person. I never have been, and I doubt I ever will be.
You didn’t want us.
“No.” I shake my head as tears leak from my eyes without permission. “That is not true.”
I punch the steering wheel over and over, anything to give me the satisfaction of pain because I deserve it. Hell, I deserve a lot worse, but hatred for myself rockets through me, and I have no other way to release these horrific demons.
Otherwise, I’ll end up drinking, and I can’t go back there.
Maya went through her pregnancy alone, the birth alone, the first moments of our baby alone.
I wasn’t there. Fuck. I wasn’t there.
When I arrive back at the house after a journey I don’t remember, my tears have dried on my cheeks, and my eyes burn like I’ve been punched. I wish I had.
I stand from my car on wobbly legs, my chest feeling numb and my head heavy. It takes me a while to fumble with the lock and my keys, but once it opens, I shove myself into the door. The first thing I hear is laughter and cheering, and everything inside me turns to cement.
They’re playing games together in the living room, and I’d rather not be around them right now. I can’t pretend everything is fine when it’s the opposite.
I shut the door behind me when I hear, “Finn?”
My eyes ache as I flick them towards the hall where the living room is. I don’t even know what to do with myself. What do I do from here?
How do I convince Maya to let me into their life after what I’ve caused?
Because she won’t. She doesn’t even believe I’m sober.
And fuck. I’d kill for a drop right now.
I pound the wall with my fist and curse. This is exactly what she’s talking about, and I can’t even blame her. I can’t be drunk around our baby. I can’t put either of them in danger like that.
“Finn?” I hear JJ’s voice again, and I attempt to catch my breath.
Footsteps echo down the hall, and then JJ is right in front of me, pressing a hand to my shoulder. “Hey.” He dips his head. “What’s going on?”
I raise my head as his eyes flick over my face.
“Are you drunk?”
“No,” I choke out.
“What’s happened?” he demands, louder this time.
I press a hand to the centre of my chest, but everything is far too tight. My breathing is choppy and irregular, and fuck, I’m suffocating. JJ takes my hand and opens the door, and the fresh air whips me in the face.
“Breathe, brother,” he instructs. “Slowly. Look at me. Finn, look at me.”
My gaze lands on him, and I take in his face.
“Tell me what you had for lunch today.”
His question throws me off, and I frown. “What?” I heave.
“Tell me,” he says.
I open my mouth to suck in another breath over and over. “I-I had pasta.”
“What kind?”
My eyes narrow at him, but he focuses on me. “I don’t know,” I tremble. “The good kind.”
“Come on. You know what kind.”
“Mac and c-cheese.”
“Was it good?”
I squeeze my eyes shut. “Yeah. I-It was.”
“Yeah, mac and cheese is elite.”
JJ asks me a few more questions about food until my breathing is somehow under control. I watch him carefully as we lower ourselves down to the floor and lean our backs against the brick wall of our house.
“Better now?”
There’s still tightness in my chest, but it’s under control. “Yeah.”
“It’s what I sometimes do with Ivy.” He smiles softly. “It helps her.”
My head falls into my hands, and all I see is Skye’s face.
Skye. Her name is Skye.
“What’s going on?” JJ asks eventually.
I shake my head rapidly, unable to say the words out loud.
“Talk to me,” he whispers. “I’m worried about you, Finn.”
My hand raises to wipe my nose as I sniffle. I turn to JJ, my expression blank and my shoulders drooped. “I went to see Maya.”
JJ winces before recovering. “And it didn’t go well?”
“No, not really.”
“What did she say?”
“I fucked everything up.” I aggressively chew on my bottom lip to feel a wave of sharp release. “I said unforgivable things at a time she needed me most. I pushed her away when I should have been there, and things would have been so different if I wasn’t drunk when she told me.”
JJ frowns and wraps his arms over his knees. “Told you what?”
“I’m a father, JJ.”
He blinks at me once and then twice. “What?”
“That’s what she told me that night. That she was pregnant, and I must have acted out, said that I didn’t want them or something,” I say as my face scrunches up and venom poisons my veins.
“And I went there today, and I saw our baby. She has her eyes, but my hair. That girl is mine, JJ, and I missed everything.”
My lungs collapse again, and I burst into tears. JJ wraps his arms around me and tugs me into his side. He says nothing, which I’m grateful for because nothing he could say will fix this. I have no idea how long we stay like this, but long enough that my eyes start to dry up.
When JJ pulls away, I’m hollow and empty. “I-I don’t know how to fix this,” I choke. “She’s never going to trust me again.”
“Hey.” He grips my shoulder gently. “You can show her how far you’ve come with your drinking, that it’s been two months and you haven’t touched a drop of alcohol. And as for what you said, you’ll just have to prove to them that you want to be a family, if that’s what you want.”
My chest heaves as I look at my best friend. “Of course it’s what I want. The love of my life had our baby. I want nothing more than to be there for them and to be a part of their lives.”
“Then prove to them you can be the man that they need.”
“She doesn’t want to see me.” I close my eyes in defeat. “She made that very clear.”
“She can’t keep her from you, Finn.”
“I won’t be on the birth certificate.” I throw a hand in the air.
“That’s beside the point.” He shakes his head adamantly. “You’re still the father. You have the right to see your child if you want to.”
My nose tingles. “But I don’t just want to see Skye. I want Maya, too, and that’s why I was trying to stay away because I didn’t want to drag her down, but then I missed out on the first few months with my daughter, and supporting Maya. That’s unforgivable.”
“It doesn’t have to make perfect sense right now, okay? I know how much you care for Maya, and you took a step away from her because you love her.”
I choke out a laugh void of any humour. “She probably thinks I did it on purpose, and that fucking guts me, JJ. She went through everything alone, and I allowed her to.”
“Then you have a lot to make up for, hm? You’re sober, and your priorities have changed.”
JJ’s eyes are open and honest, and everything I need at this moment. No judgement. No shouting. Real advice that I’ve needed to hear from the very beginning, when I bottled everything up, which only hurt me in the process.
“You think you’re a mess, but you’re not,” he carries on.
“You think you don’t deserve love and happiness, but you do.
Stop punishing yourself, Finn, stop self-sabotaging, and make a difference instead of moping around.
You want Maya, you want your baby, so do something about it.
Be the man that they deserve and nothing less. ”
I swallow as I take in his words. He’s right, I have been self-sabotaging because it’s easy to spiral and send yourself into a deep pit of overthinking when you believe there’s nothing going for you.
“Do you think I can do it?” I ask, voice wobbling.
JJ nods with determination written all over his expression. “Of course you can. You made Maya fall for you once, now it’s time to make up for your mistakes and do better.”
“And what if she doesn’t want me back?”
He sighs. “Then you might have to accept the reality that it’s over, and all that ties you together is your daughter.”
At least he’s being honest, I think to myself.
And as much as that possibility hurts, I was the one who walked away from her in the first place. I should never have done it. I should have stayed. I should have fought for her. But I was a broken man. I still am, but I’m working to fit the pieces back together.
JJ sits with me for a while until I try and wrap my head around everything, but I doubt it’s something I’ll get over today or tomorrow or next week. I need to remember my therapist’s words. One day at a time.
When JJ’s phone starts to ring, he digs it out, and I glance over to find Ivy’s name on the screen. He turns back to me, and I force a smile. “Answer it. I’m good.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah, go.”
JJ stands and walks back into the house. “Hey, princess. You okay?”
I’m internally grimacing at the nickname he gives her, but I can’t be bitter about it forever. Maybe I’m bitter because things worked out for them, and I’m yet to know what my future holds.
My head is one fucked up place.
I draw my phone from my pocket and bring up my last messages to Maya. There are a few awful texts from when I got drunk over the summer and decided it would be a good idea to tell her how I felt—not knowing she was probably pregnant and about to give birth.
“Jesus Christ,” I hiss to myself and allow my head to fall onto my fist.
After a few moments, I hold my phone between my hands and let my thumbs hover over the screen.
Finn:
I’m so so sorry
I know I said awful things to you, but I am not that guy anymore
I want to do better
For you, and for our baby
The messages deliver, and I don’t expect a reply. I’m surprised she didn’t block me after the texts I’ve sent, but the fact she hasn’t makes me think the door might not be fully closed.
And JJ is right. I need to be the man they deserve.
No more feeling sorry for myself.
It’s time to make a difference, something I should have done a long time ago.