FINN THOMPSON
Maya:
Ididn’t sleep last night.
It’s been five days since I last saw her, and I didn’t want to bombard her with messages to see them both after she said she needed more time.
I can’t even count the number of times I had to go to the bathroom and dry heave with a mixture of emotions. Never in my life have I felt this anxious—and I’ve been in some serious hungover states.
Now I sit outside Maya’s house with clammy hands and a trembling body, and I pluck up the courage to go inside. It’s not that I don’t want to be here. I want to see her, I want to see Skye, but I fear what she’ll say about wanting to be a part of Skye’s life.
I’m a father. I am her father.
“Fuck.” I drag my hand down my face before ripping my keys from the ignition and stepping out of my car.
I slam the door behind me and stare at the small house before creeping towards the front door. Bile rises in my throat knowing there is a baby in there that’s half of me, half of Maya, and it messes with my head.
My knuckles rise after waiting for a few minutes, and I knock. I wait patiently, regardless of the fact my heart is rattling inside my chest like someone pounding a drum.
I have to show them that I’m ready to work for this. That I’m choosing to be sober and I’m choosing them, something I should have done at the time.
After a minute, the door unlocks, and my eyes rest on Maya’s face. I inhale a silent breath at the sight of her with her dark hair thrown up into a messy bun with pieces falling around her ears. I’m mesmerised by her, and I let her slip through my fingers.
She blinks at me in surprise as if completely forgetting that I’m meant to be here. “Finn,” she exhales and swipes a hand across her forehead. “I lost track of time.”
“Hey.” As soon as my eyes rest on her face, I cannot take them off her.
The first thing I notice is how tired she looks, still undeniably beautiful, but exhausted. Heavy eyes, and her skin looks paler than usual, as if she’s not had many good nights’ sleep. Raising a baby by yourself must be the hardest thing in the world, and that’s my fault.
“Sorry, I just,” she mutters before flexing her fingers. “I didn’t realise it was already two o’clock.”
My head shakes once as her dark eyes roam my face. “Do you want me to come back later?”
“No.” She swallows. “Just excuse the mess and the state of me.”
I frown because she’s the most stunning girl I’ve ever met, even if she has food stains on her T-shirt and she’s still wearing her pyjamas. I recognise them from the nights I stayed over at her place on campus.
When she holds the door open for me, I step inside. Given it’s a little messy, but it’s not ridiculous. My house with the boys is worse, and we don’t have an excuse for the constant mess. We’re just lazy.
Maya closes the door behind me, and I turn towards her. I dig my hand into my pocket and pull out my phone to show her the confirmation of my AA meetings in my emails and how many I’ve been to.
“Here is my AA meeting email tracker,” I say as I turn it around towards her. “It doesn’t go back to the day I officially stopped, but that month I was in rehab.”
Her eyes flick from mine to my phone, and she hesitates. “Oh—” She latches onto the necklace around her neck, and I freeze when I realise it’s the necklace I gave her on the first birthday I celebrated with her. She’s still wearing it. “I didn’t actually think you were going to bring this to me.”
“It’s important.” I inch the phone closer. “And I want you to see how serious I am about this.”
Maya’s tongue drags over her dusty pink lips before she takes the phone from my hands. Our fingers brush for a second, and when our eyes meet, we both freeze. It’s the most contact I’ve had with her since that night, and I’d be a liar if I said her touch doesn’t affect me.
I retreat my hand and wait as patiently as I can as she reads over the emails, scrolling through each one. I hold my breath and watch the way her brows dip and release.
She draws her gaze to mine and hands back the phone. “Good to see you’re trying to get back on track.”
“Yeah, I was tired of relying on alcohol.” I slide my phone back into my pocket. “And constantly feeling like I was ruining other people’s lives.”
Maya glances away, her hand moving back to her necklace as she plays with the little locket between her index finger and thumb. “When was the last time you had a drink?”
The night I ended up in the hospital getting my stomach pumped after my sister and my best friend found me having a seizure.
“In the summer,” I say. “Two months ago.”
“You look better.” She drops her hands to her sides. “You’re glowing.”
I run a palm down the back of my head. “I doubt it. I didn’t really sleep,” I confess.
Maya releases a low laugh. “Join the club.”
My throat tightens at her words. “How are you?”
“I’m okay,” she whispers.
“Are you?”
She stares at me for a long moment, and I can see in her eyes that she might be okay, but she’s struggling. I should be here helping out, and that’s where I want to be. If she’ll let me.
“Yes, I have to be for her.”
My gut clenches. “Can I see her?”
Maya pauses, then eventually nods. “Yeah, she’s awake.”
I follow her as she walks through the house to a room at the end of the hall, and we step inside. She heads towards the cot beside the bed, and I pause by the door as she leans down to take Skye into her arms.
She wriggles and makes a sound as she holds her close to her chest. My eyes immediately start to burn, and I tell myself to keep it together, although I have no idea how long I’ll last.
Maya cradles her gently before stepping towards me, and my gaze settles on her pretty face. Chubby cheeks, blonde hair, and little hands. I can’t breathe as Maya turns Skye to face me and her brown eyes land on mine.
My chest pounds at the tiny being in her arms. She’s ours.
“Oh my god.” I take in every inch of her face.
“Do you want to hold her?” Maya asks, and I blink back the tears that start to form.
“Please,” I croak. “I-I don’t really know how to do it.”
Skye makes a soft sound as her lips curl. “I didn’t either,” Maya whispers. “But you learn fast.”
“I don’t want to do it wrong.” Panic stretches through my sternum. I don’t want to hurt her because I have no idea what I’m doing.
“Hold out your arms,” she instructs. “Like a cradle against your chest.”
My arms move to position as Maya stands a few inches from me. “Like this?”
“Yeah. I’m gonna place her down, but you need to make sure that her neck and head are always supported. She’s not strong enough yet to hold it by herself, so you need to make sure that she’s comfortable.”
“And my other hand?”
“Just support her back and bottom.”
My fingers begin to shake as she slowly places Skye down into my arms, positioning her to lie so she’s comfortable and safe. Then Maya takes away her hands, and that’s when I realise I’m staring down at our child.
She looks up at me with those big brown eyes, and I almost lose it. Everything begins to blur, and my heart pounds heavier than it ever has before. This girl is mine. This pretty little lady is half of me, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to wrap my head around the idea.
How could I ever say I didn’t want her?
“She’s so small,” I say, blinking through my blurry vision.
“She was even smaller.” Maya steps back.
I want to look up, but I can’t. All I can do is look down at how precious she is.
“How much did she weigh when she was born?” I ask, desperate to know all the details.
“Six pounds and two ounces.”
My nose tingles and I sniffle. “She’s so beautiful,” I say as my voice cracks.
After that, I can’t stop crying.
When I finally look up, tears clinging to my cheeks, Maya is staring back at us with watery eyes of her own. She clears her throat and looks away, but Skye wriggles, and my attention is immediately brought back to her.
I panic for a moment, and then Maya is there, holding my arms still. “She likes to wriggle,” she says with a sniffle. “Just hold her tight.”
“I-I don’t want to drop her.”
Maya shakes her head. “You won’t drop her.”
“She’s so perfect,” I mumble through my quivering throat. “I’ve never known anything to be so little and so perfect.”
Maya’s hands are still on my arms as she stands close, and I’m grateful for the support because I’ve never held a baby before, I don’t know how anything works, and I’ve got a lot to learn.
“Yeah, she’s perfect.”
I watch as Maya runs a finger down the edge of her cheek, and she releases a little yawn. I had no idea a baby could be this adorable, let alone knowing she carries my genes.
“How did you pick the name Skye?”
“I just thought it was pretty.”
I meet Maya’s eyes again, not realising how close we’re standing. “Very pretty. I love it.”
Maya’s cheeks tint a pale shade of pink as I focus on her.
“She has your eyes,” I whisper as I study Maya’s big brown irises.
“Yeah…although she could have had your green eyes.”
I frown as I look up at her. “No, I love that she has your eyes.”
Skye releases a low cry, which I presume means she needs attention from her mum. Maya gently takes her from my arms as she holds the back of her head and pulls her into her shoulder.
I watch as Maya bounces her gently before placing her down on the bed. “No, little miss,” Maya says in a cute voice. “No more crying today. The neighbours have heard it all.”
Maya gently tickles her sides softly as Skye’s face twists, and she releases a soft noise that’s almost like a giggle. It winds me because the sound of what I assume is joy is priceless. I can’t look away even if I wanted to.
“Yeah, I know,” Maya laughs along with her. “You love to make mummy stressed. But that’s okay because I love you so much.”
My hand presses over my mouth and jaw as I study the pair of them and how gut-wrenchingly adorable they are. How could I have missed out on this?
Maya pulls her back into her arms before turning to me, and I have to place my hand on the wall to stabilise myself. “Do you wanna talk more in the living room? I can put her on her baby mat.”
I manage a nod, but I’m barely breathing.
We head back into the living room before she places her down on the mat with shapes and objects dangling from above. Maya sits down on the sofa, tucks her legs into her side, and looks up at me.
“Do you want to sit down?
“I think I need to.”
The second I sit beside her, I’m filled with relief because I don’t know how much longer I would have been able to support my weight. I swallow to try and dampen my throat, but it’s no use, it feels like razor blades.
“How was the birth?”
Maya wraps her arms around her knees. “Yeah, it was fine. Everything went smoothly, which was good.”
“And how were you?”
She shrugs as if it’s the last thing she’s been thinking of, and it bruises my chest. “Fine. No rest for the wicked when you have a baby.”
I should have been looking after her. God, I feel rotten.
“Will you let me see her more often?”
Maya’s eyes glass over for a second as she flicks them between mine. “I don’t want you to walk into her life, see her get attached, and watch you walk out of it again.”
“I wouldn’t dare walk away from you again,” I murmur beneath a broken breath.
Maya’s eyes strain as she adjusts herself, clearly not believing my words.
I’ve never felt this much weight on my shoulders.
Guilt. When I hear Maya sniffle, I want nothing more than to reach over and comfort her, but I can’t.
I don’t have any right to do that after I literally broke her heart to pieces.
“I can’t stop you,” she whispers. “But I don’t know if I’ll survive it if you hurt me again and bring our daughter down with me, too.”
My stomach clenches, nausea creeping up my throat.
“I’m never going to hurt you again.” I shuffle an inch forward, but keep my hands to myself, regardless of the fact I want to cradle her face and let her see how sincere I am.
“I’m never going to be that person again, and I know you don’t trust me, but I want to prove it to you.
And I’m not going to stop until you realise that I am serious about this, regardless of what I said, regardless of how stupid and selfish I was being.
I want this, I want to be present in her life, I want to be an active parent. ”
Maya’s lips part as she locks her eyes on mine. “Then prove it.”