FINN THOMPSON
After my class, my professor asks me to stay behind. I tense, pondering what it could be about. Maybe I’m failing. Maybe I’m useless at this. Maybe I just need to give up now before I embarrass myself further.
“Finn,” he says as he leans against the edge of the desk. “I just wanted to congratulate you on a great assignment.”
My brows rise in surprise. “Congratulate me?”
“Yeah…” He trails off as he tilts his head. “Did you receive your grade and feedback?”
I adjust my bag on my shoulder. “Uh, I got the email. I didn’t have the courage to open it.”
“Why?”
“I guess, no matter the result, I won’t be able to change it. I didn’t want it to dishearten me, so I decided not to know,” I state. “I think it was better that way.”
Whenever I used to get bad grades, I’d always head down to the SU bar and get a pint of beer, but one was never enough. It would end up being multiple, and then I’d forget the rest of the night.
It almost became a habit, and my assignments were terrible because of how often I got drunk, and the days I spent hungover were a myth. I wasn’t even giving myself a chance to try; I gave up long ago.
I’m surprised the university even let me finish my final year after some of the atrocious grades I got last year. I didn’t turn up to some of my exams, I didn’t hand in papers, and I definitely didn’t go to all my lectures. It was a fucking mess, and I never want to stoop that low again.
My professor studies me for a long moment. “I understand where you’re coming from, Finn, but you honestly excelled at this assignment.”
“Really?”
He nods confidently. “It’s the best work I’ve seen in a while.”
My mouth falls open in surprise. “Thank you, professor.”
“Take a look at the email,” he says encouragingly. “I promise, if anything, it’s going to boost and motivate you more. And there is feedback and comments to help with future assignments, too.”
“Alright.” I step back. “I will.”
“Have a good one, Finn,” he says as he waves a hand at me.
As I exit the auditorium, I dig my phone from my pocket and click on the hidden folder in my email. I put it there so it was out of sight, out of mind. My thumb hovers over the screen as I ponder opening the email.
My professor wouldn’t lie to me about the grade. Why would he? He’d want to see me celebrate my achievements.
Without a second thought, I click on the email.
80. I got an 80.
I blink in shock. I’ve never got an 80 in my life.
Hell, I’ve never got a first before, either.
The pride that warms my chest is almost painful. It’s alien, and it’s been a long time since I’ve felt proud of myself. And this is just another reason to keep going. All those times I was drowning in alcohol, I was ruining my future.
But this? It gives me hope that it’s not too late to make a difference.
“You seem rather optimistic today, Finn,” my therapist, Samuel, says.
I started getting face-to-face therapy a few weeks ago. The online sessions just weren’t cutting it, and now I’ve become comfortable with Samuel, it’s allowed the weight on my shoulders to lift a little.
I press the tip of my ankle to my knee. “I received a good grade today.”
“That’s great. Congratulations,” he says genuinely. “How did that make you feel?”
“Relieved,” I admit, noticing my chest doesn’t feel as tight anymore. “That I’m not actually bad at this life stuff.”
“You think you’re bad at life stuff?”
I shrug as I ponder my next words. “I think I’m a bad father.”
Samuel studies me. “Why do you think that?”
“Because I wasn’t there,” I huff and glance at the wall. “You know this.”
“That doesn’t mean you’re a bad father, Finn.”
“Then what does it mean?”
He leans forward and rests his elbows on his thighs casually.
“You were dealing with something traumatic. Silently, too. I know you hold resentment for yourself, but holding onto that negative energy isn’t healthy.
What’s important is that you’re focusing on now, today, the moments you’re currently living. ”
I stay silent.
“You said before you’re willing to work for Skye and Maya,” he says softly.
“And from what you’ve told me, it sounds like you’re doing just that.
You need to give yourself much more credit.
Life isn’t easy, but you have proved to me that you’re willing to look forward and focus on what’s important to you right now. ”
“Yeah.”
“And you’re clearly working on yourself too by studying, going to university, and giving yourself a chance at a new start in life.”
I chew on my lip. “I just don’t want to fuck up again.”
“I know it’s easier said than done, but try not to worry about things that haven’t happened yet. Focus on the now. Focus on the things that make you happy. Remind yourself how far you’ve come. Okay?”
“Okay,” I whisper.
I haven’t come super far, but I know it’s still a long road to making sure I stay sober not only for myself, but for my family, too. They might not need me, but I need them.
“Let’s talk about your homework for this week,” Samuel says as he sifts through his notebook.
I head over to Maya’s house for the evening. Maya gave me a key for emergencies, and I don’t want to disturb her if she’s sleeping or catching up on university work.
So I place the key into the lock and step inside. I’m met with Maya, Jade, and Alice sitting together on the sofas. “Maya, you have to go. You deserve a night out,” Jade expresses.
I clear my throat, not wanting to eavesdrop on their conversation. Three pairs of eyes flick towards me, and I wave awkwardly.
“Hey,” I say.
Maya stands up and walks towards me. “Hey.”
“Sorry, I didn’t know you’d have company. Should I go?”
“No.” Her hand shoots out to grasp my wrist. “They just popped in.”
“Okay.”
“Hey, Finn,” Jade and Alice say at the same time.
“Hey. How are you guys?”
Alice smiles at me, which makes a change because I remember when they both hated my guts–they might still do, and they have every right. “Yeah, we’re good.”
“What are you guys talking about?” I say as I walk to the vacant sofa.
Jade and Alice share a quick glance, and it’s obvious from the look on Maya’s face she doesn’t want them to say anything. I frown. What did I miss?
“We’ve been invited to a party,” Alice pipes up, and Maya’s head falls into her hands. “It’s next weekend. It’s been a hot minute since we’ve all been together and gone out, you know? And I think Maya deserves a night off for once.”
“Alice,” Maya huffs. “One, I can’t afford it, and two, it’s a stupid idea.”
“You don’t have to pay for anything.” Jade waves a hand. “I’ll drive us there, and we can get alcohol on the way. It’s no big deal.”
Maya’s eyes flick to mine, and worry crosses her expression. The word alcohol doesn’t necessarily trigger me, it’s how people talk about it and in what context.
“I can’t,” she exhales. “Need to be here for Skye.”
My forehead pinches. “No. Maya, you should go.”
Her face falls. “What?”
“I can look after Skye. I’m not doing anything next weekend, and the girls are right. You deserve to have a night off. God knows I had far too many nights out when we were together. I would never judge you for that.”
“But—”
“Stop trying to make excuses.” Alice grabs her shoulder. “It’s one night. We’re going to have fun, you need time to have fun, Maya.”
Maya’s eyes lift to meet mine, and guilt swarms between her irises.
“You should enjoy your last year of university,” I say sincerely. “It’s just one party, you deserve a night off, let your hair down. I’ve got Skye.”
“You sure?” she asks warily.
“Yeah, sunshine. I’m sure.”
She chews on the inside of her lip before saying, “Okay.”
Alice and Jade squeal as they discuss outfits and whatever else it is girls talk about. I dismiss myself to Maya’s bedroom, where Skye is awake in her cot. I lean over the edge and gently brush my finger over her cheek. She stares at me with eyes I’ll never not be able to fall in love with.
“Hi, baby,” I whisper as she wriggles her arms. “I missed you so much.”
Her chubby cheeks are possibly the cutest things I’ve ever seen. I can’t stop admiring her. It’s like every time I’m stuck in a trance, and I’m seeing her for the first time all over again.
“Hey,” I hear behind me as Maya leans against the cot. “The girls are gone.”
My head twists, and I glance down at her. Big brown eyes, dark hair scraped back so I can see every inch of her perfect face. My insides melt like butter as she smiles up at me.
“Hey,” I whisper back.
“Are you sure about the party?”
I nod. “I’m positive.”
“I won’t drink,” she clarifies.
“You can do what you want, Maya.”
She frowns instantly. “No, I can’t. Especially not if you’re going to be here when I get back, that’s not fair, and I refuse to put you through that.”
My heart strains at her words. I’ve stepped foot in a pub a couple of times since my rehabilitation, and I have to admit the smell of beer can be incredibly overwhelming and hard to resist.
Smelling it on Maya? I have no idea how that’s going to make me feel.
“Don’t worry about me,” I say.
“I am going to worry about you. It wouldn’t be fair to you, and I know how serious you are about staying sober. It’s like dangling a steak in front of a dog; it’ll be too tempting, too confusing, and I won’t do it.”
The corner of my lip tilts upwards. “Okay,” I say eventually. “Thank you. I appreciate it.”
“I need you here with me,” she states. “I can’t go back to doing it alone.”
“Are you using me for my unbelievable parenting skills?” I tease, attempting to lighten the conversation.
Maya’s eyes soften as she buries her teeth into her lip. “Yeah, I needed someone to help change her nappy. You know?”
My eyes narrow with amusement. “That’s all I’m here for?”
“Unfortunately,” she says, attempting to hide her smile. “Someone’s gotta do it.”
“Take that back.” I step into her, but she backs away.
Maya releases a soft chuckle. “I think she needs changing right now, too. You got stinky daddy duties. Sorry!”
Then she dashes away faster than I can blink, but I’m after her within seconds. Maya can’t get far in the small flat. She crowds herself in the kitchen with a bright grin on her face. I don’t hesitate to grab her waist and throw her over my shoulder.
A shriek leaves her lips. “No, Finn. I’m heavy.”
“Shut up,” I mutter as I squeeze her sides. “I’ve benched way more than you, sunshine.”
She pants in my ear as I take her waist in my hands and throw her up in the air. She screams out again, but I catch her with ease. Her arms immediately wrap around my neck as I hold her close to my chest.
Her cheeks begin to flush, and my body cries out for her. For the girl I fell in love with and never see myself falling out of love with.
“You did not just tell me to shut up,” she exhales unabashedly.
“I will when you’re talking nonsense.”
Maya’s fingers graze the back of my neck, sliding into my hair. I suck in a breath. It’s moments like this that I forget we’re not together. It feels natural, because I know her better than anyone else, and yet I can’t do the things I want to do to her.
God, I want to worship her.
Breathe words of praise and affirmation into her skin until she believes it herself. If only I’d had my shit together, I wouldn’t have lost her.
But after my session with my therapist today, I know it’s not too late to win back the most important thing in my life. I’m not going to give up.