FINN THOMPSON
The taste of alcohol is still on my tongue, no matter how many times I brush my teeth.
After going to a meeting last night and telling my sponsor what happened, I realised I need to put more faith in the people around me. I shouldn’t have bottled things up, I only made it worse.
When I got home, I couldn’t hold Skye. Maya tried to encourage me, but I felt guilty and dirty knowing I’d put poison into my body. I needed to sleep it off and start a different day.
Maya kisses my shoulder blade as she wraps her arms around me from behind.
“Morning,” she whispers sweetly. “How are you feeling?”
I shrug. “I don’t know.”
“That’s okay,” she says supportively. “We can take it one minute at a time.”
My eyes close as she kisses my skin until I’m numb and not in a way that alcohol can make me feel. Numb with love and security. It’s overwhelming, and despite battling my thoughts throughout the night and telling myself I didn’t deserve to feel that way, I forced those thoughts away.
They’re only going to make me worse if I allow them to fester.
“I know you said you had a bad session with your therapist,” she murmurs as she pushes herself up, and I glance over my shoulder at her. “But do you think you should ask for an emergency meeting? To let him know what’s happened and see what extra support you can get right now.”
I swallow around my dry throat. “Yeah.”
She smooths her hand down my bare arm, and I twist to face her, stretching my fingers through her long hair and enjoying the familiarity of it. I take in her face and every little detail, even down to the way she’s looking at me.
My heart races when I think about how unbelievably lucky I am. Alcohol couldn’t even come close to how she makes me feel. I can’t live without her, but I can live without alcohol if that means losing her.
“I’m sorry,” I say with a heavy chest.
Maya frowns. “I told you if you apologise again, you won’t like it.”
I exhale a breath through my nose that isn’t quite a laugh. “What’s my punishment?”
“You’re not allowed to make me come,” she states. “Which is shit because I really want to have sex with you, but you need to realise that it’s okay and I’m not mad.”
My mouth parts. “Not allowed to make you come? That’s not a punishment, that’s a life sentence.”
“Then stop apologising.”
I stare at the serious expression on her face. “Not going to lie, I thought sex would be off the table anyway.”
“Why?”
“Just overthinking.”
Maya leans down and brushes her mouth over mine, and instant contentment washes over me. “You had a wobble,” she says softly. “It doesn’t make you a bad person.”
“Can you come with me?” I say as she settles back into the pillows beside me.
“To therapy?”
I nod desperately. “Please. I need you there.”
“Of course.”
Skye starts crying a second later, and my shoulders tense. Maya notices and runs her hand over my shoulder. “It’s okay,” she says gently. “Go see her.”
There’s an aggressive pulse behind my eyes as I shake my head.
“The alcohol isn’t in your system anymore, Finn. I trust you.”
I release a harsh breath. “I can’t.”
Maya moves herself from the bed and reaches down into Skye’s cot to soothe her.
“I think she wants her daddy to look after her.” She strokes her hair and beckons me over. “Come on, Finn. You’re okay, she’s okay. Nothing is going to happen.”
I manage to push myself up from the bed as Maya holds Skye out towards me. For a moment, I hesitate, but she encourages me with a bright expression. I take our daughter into my arms and hold her close to my bare chest before trying to calm her down.
“Oh, baby,” I whisper. “I’ve got you.”
Maya shuffles closer as Skye begins to settle, and her cries stop for a moment. “See.” She grins. “Told you she wanted her dad.”
I place my hand under her bum and hold her close. “She definitely needs changing and feeding.”
Maya hums as she runs her finger down Skye’s cheek. “Probably, but she loves you. She needs you.”
And as I stare down at the most perfect being, I know it, too. Skye needs a dad who is present and responsible. She stares up at me with her big brown eyes, and I melt like I do every time.
Last night could have ended very differently, and I’m glad it didn’t. I’m glad I somehow stopped myself after the first drink when usually it’s impossible. Probably because I never used to feel guilty for it. This time, that’s all I felt.
There was everything on the line, and I regretted it as soon as I knocked the drink back. I might have wanted another, but I want change more. And I can’t be the deadbeat dad who chooses alcohol over his family.
“I love you,” I whisper before kissing her forehead. “Let’s change that nappy.”
Later, I call Samuel and ask if he has any spare slots today, as I need a session as soon as possible. JJ pops over to look after Skye, and I know she’s in good hands.
Maya slides her hand in mine as we enter Samuel’s room and gives me a supportive squeeze.
“Hey, Finn,” Samuel says politely. “And Maya, it’s good to meet you.”
“And you.” She smiles.
“Take a seat.”
We do as he says, and I struggle to look my therapist dead in the eye.
“How are you today?”
I shrug with a sigh. “Not so great.”
“What’s been going on?”
My chest tightens, and the words are on the tip of my tongue. I know speaking them into existence means they’re my reality, but maybe that’s a good thing. Maya smooths her thumb over my knuckles, reminding me I’m not alone. I can do this.
I glance at her, my support system. The only woman on this Earth I don’t want to let down again. She deserves better, and I want to be that man. How could I see the best thing in my life in front of me and want to sabotage it?
Samuel is patient as I say, “I relapsed last night.”
“Okay, would you like to talk about the lead-up to that? For us to try and figure out your triggers, and then we can work through a future plan if you ever feel like that again.”
I’m nodding before he even finishes speaking. “Yes, I think we should do that.”
Samuel gives me a supportive smile. “Okay. Let’s start with what’s been going on over the last few weeks, and the earliest you felt a change or the need for alcohol to cope. Whenever you’re ready, take your time.”
I inhale a large breath, let it all out, and leave everything on the table because I can’t physically hold it in anymore.
“I’m so proud of you,” Maya says as she kisses my arm.
“For going to therapy?”
“For talking about it,” she states. “I didn’t know you felt half of that stuff. I know you probably think that you’re bothering me, but you’re not. I want to hear it. That’s what a relationship is, Finn. Would you ever be annoyed if I came to you when I was having a rough time?”
My brows pinch together. “Never.”
“Exactly,” she breathes out. “And I feel the exact same with you. We’re a team and always will be. If I can help, I will, but I just want to know what’s going on in that head of yours. Let me in, Finn.”
I purse my lips for a moment. “I know, it’s just…talking about it is hard sometimes. Doing it with Samuel is draining enough, but I know I can’t keep things bottled up with you if I want my recovery to be successful.”
Maya squeezes my hand as we reach my car. “It’s not going to be easy, but we both know it’s worth it. All I want is for you to be happy and healthy and to talk to me when things get hard.”
“Yeah,” I whisper as I stare down at her. “I’ll try to be better. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
She presses up onto her toes and leaves a kiss on my lips. “Well, I’m not going anywhere. No matter how many times you push me away.”
The journey home is quick, and as soon as we step through the front door, I pause when I find my parents sitting on the sofa with JJ and Skye. Maya brushes my side with her hand.
“I thought it would be good for you to see them,” Maya whispers. “And to see the amazing support system you have around you.”
My mother takes long strides to reach me before wrapping her arms around my body. I embrace it and lower my head down onto hers. She says nothing, but her maternal touch heals my broken heart a little.
When she pulls away, my father steps forward and takes my face in his hands. His eyes are glistening, and it immediately makes my body start to shudder as I try to hold myself together.
“I love you, son,” he says with sincerity.
And I feel it in my bones. My parents would do anything for me.
Then he bundles me into his arms, my fist curling around the fabric of his jumper as I feel his heart beat against mine.
“No matter what happens,” he murmurs as he smooths his hand down the back of my head. “You’re always going to be our baby, and we’re always going to be there for you.”
I squeeze my eyes shut when the tears start to fall. I’m overwhelmed by their love and affection, and I’d be stupid not to see the good in my life. The people who will fight in my corner no matter what, and I know this time I cannot fail. I have to keep going.
“I love you, too, Dad,” I croak.
He pulls back and wipes my tears as his own cheeks are stained. “Only you could get your old man to cry like this.”
A laugh bursts from me as he eventually drops his hands.
“Things are going to get better,” my mum says softly. “Don’t let this discourage you, Finn. You’re destined for great things with a beautiful family, and I promise you, you don’t want to miss a second of it.”
I’m not magically healed or fixed, it’s going to take time. It’s a journey I’ll be on for the rest of my life. I just have to remind myself of the things at stake.
I need to be there for my brown-eyed girls because they’ve saved me in ways I cannot repay. Now it’s my turn to give them a life of security.