Chapter 18
I practically pace the floor waiting for Mitch to come home. I fell into such a deep sleep last night that I never woke up until he’d left for work. In fact, Josie was already here when I got my lazy ass out of bed.
I’ve spent the entire day wondering if things will be different between us now. I know I was forward last night, and I can’t imagine what Mitch must be thinking, but at the same time, I really liked how it felt to be in control.
I touched him on my own terms and it gave him pleasure, pleasure that felt like such a reward.
He can’t have been too mad, because he kissed me after, and I swear I’ve felt the touch of it on my lips ever since.
The fact he left without saying goodbye this morning has me scared that he’ll come home tonight and try to push me away the same way he did before.
“Well, I'm outta here. I have a date tonight.” Josie jumps up from the couch as soon as the clock strikes five-thirty.
“Okay.” I smile back at her guiltily, I haven’t been good company today, not that I’m much on any other day. But I can feel everything changing. I have the drive and determination to get better. To be confident and to have more experiences with Mitch like I did last night.
I wait until Josie has left before I pick up my book and head out to sit on the porch. The open space I look out onto doesn’t seem half as scary now that I've explored it with Mitch, and when I eventually see him riding toward me in the distance, I stand up and wait for him to get closer.
He looks so handsome when he’s riding. To be honest, he looks handsome doing pretty much anything, and when he jumps off his saddle and ties his horse to the railings, I’m a little taken aback when he suddenly grabs hold of my hips and steers my body to align with his.
“I’m sorry that I left this morin’ without sayin’ goodbye. My head was a mess.” He shakes his head as if his own words are confusing him.
“I hate that you’ve been through hell, I wish I could go back in time and make it all go away. I wish I was the man who’d killed whoever treated you so bad and did those terrible things to you. But I like that I’m your comfort now. I love that you trust me, and although I feel like I don’t deserve it, that don’t mean I won’t treasure it. Shit, I’m rantin’ and all my words are comin’ out wrong.” He stops to take a breath, and when a tiny smile lifts his lips my whole chest fills with warmth.
“Everleigh, I like you very much. I spend my whole day wonderin’ what you're doin’ and lookin’ forward to seein’ ya. I’m too old for ya, and you may not even be seein’ me in the same way that I see you, but this is me promisin’ never to run scared on you again.”
“You were scared?” I whisper, still shocked at what I’m hearing. I can’t imagine Mitch being scared of anything, especially me.
“Yes, I’m scared. I’m scared of how you make me feel. I’m scared that I ain’t enough, but most of all I’m scared of hurtin’ ya. You looked so peaceful while you were sleepin’ last night. And ya keep sayin’ that I’m a good man and I’m sorry to tell ya, darlin’, but that ain’t always the case. I’ve done things that I’m probably goin’ to Hell for, but you need to know that I would never do anythin’ to hurt ya.”
His hand reaches up to cradle my face and his thumb strokes my cheek.
“I know things are gonna be hard and if all you ever want me to be is the man who holds you at night, then I’ll be grateful for it.” His deep scratchy voice makes my stomach flip.
“I don’t just want that. I like the way it feels when you touch me. I liked the way you kissed me.” I feel my cheeks heat up when I think about all the other things I’ve imagined us doing. “I just wish I could be normal and?—”
“Sweetheart, we don’t do normal around here, we are who we are and everyone accepts that. You just have to learn to be okay with yourself.” His lips are so temptingly close that I crave them even more.
“Mitch,” I whisper his name.
“Yeah, darlin’?”
“I’d very much like it if you kissed me again.” I smile up at him, feeling that same spark of thrill as I did when I took him in my hand last night.
“I’d very much like that too.” He takes off his hat and leans closer, connecting his lips to mine and making that flutter in my stomach turn into something much stronger. I gasp out loud when he suddenly lifts me off my feet.
“What are you doing?” I ask, clinging to his arms as he places my ass down on the porch rail.
“I’m just making sure you're comfortable because I plan on kissin’ ya for a really long time.” He places his hat on top of my head and gets back to it.
We spend a long time with our lips locked together and our tongues exploring. I love the way his hands feel as they stroke my face and glide down my spine. It makes me want to give him so much more of myself. I just don’t want to bear the shame of taking off my clothes in front of him. My past has left me with scars. Deep, ugly ones that I can’t even look at myself. The thought of Mitch seeing them forces me to be the first of us to pull away.
“I should make you some dinner.” I smile apologetically, rubbing my lips together and liking the way they taste of him now.
“And I should get JD down for the night.” Mitch nods his head toward his horse who’s been standing very patiently. He kisses me one last time before he takes his reins and leads him over to the stable he’s been working on. I stand and watch him with my fingers pressed against my lips and when he looks back over his shoulder at me, I shamelessly stare and allow that giddy happiness I’m feeling to find its way to my lips.
I rustle up something fast because when Mitch comes back inside all I want to do is kiss him again. I make us some grilled cheese and we both smile at each other over the table as we eat it. There's a different kind of comfort between us now, one more intense than the one that was there before, and when Mitch reaches his hand across the table to hold mine while he continues to eat, I feel myself fall even harder for him.
All the things he said earlier gave me such hope, and only makes me more determined to get myself better.
“I was talkin’ to Cole today,” he informs me once we’re finished.
“Savannah's husband?” I check.
“That’s the one, he was sayin’ that Savannah wants to include you in?—”
“Yes,” I cut him off before he’s even finished his sentence. I don’t care what it is, if it’s a chance for me to move forward I’ll take it. I don’t want to be a prisoner in my own head anymore. Not when I could be making happy memories with Mitch. Ever since that night, I fell asleep on the couch in his arms, I don’t feel scared by the world. I’m intrigued by it.
“We thought we’d start by havin’ her come here, instead of Josie. You can go at your own pace with the other girls, and they're all keen to meet ya,” he assures me.
“And do we keep this a secret?” I look down at where our hands are still touching.
“You can tell them whatever ya want. Around here nothin’ stays secret for long anyway.” He chuckles to himself as he stands up and picks up our plates. I watch him run the faucet after he’s put them in the sink and quickly get up to take over.
“You ain’t doin’ this tonight.” He shocks me when he lifts me up again and settles me on the kitchen work surface.
“Why not?” I giggle.
“Because I want ya to sit there and look pretty while I do it.” He kisses my cheek before getting to work and as I watch him soap up the dishes, I smile to myself.
“I’m gonna be okay.” The words inside my head just float out of my mouth and I feel the freedom in them as well as the relief.
“‘Course, ya are.” Mitch frowns at me, drying off his hands and moving to position himself between the gap in my legs. “I don’t think you realize how far you’ve come. You're not that silent girl who I first saw in Jimmer Carson’s basement anymore.” His eyes move over my body with desire as well as pride.
“I feel less and less like her every day,” I admit as I touch my palms over his chest. “I want to get better for you, Mitch. And you’re wrong when you say you’re too old for me. Where I came from husbands wer?—”
“We ain’t where you came from no more, Evy. There are people out there that will be ready to judge us, but I don’t care about them, not so long as you're happy.” He furrows his brow as if he needs to hear me say it.
“Well, I am happy. Really happy.” I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him again.