Chapter 22
Carmen
Drumming her fingers on her work desk, Carmen let out a frustrated huff. It had been three weeks since they returned to Seattle, so why the hell was she still struggling? Lack of focus plagued her every waking hour. Carmen’s brain was only content to obsess over her catastrophic fuck-up. Sleeping with Molly was perfect, but a colossal mistake. How could she have let one moment of weakness override her common sense?
The fact they could hardly look at each other once they’d both come was a huge indicator that it should never have happened. And now it was going to be a constant source of awkwardness. It’s not like Carmen would never see the woman again. If that were the case, she wouldn’t still be flagellating herself. But she would see Molly. It was inevitable. Faith was already talking about inviting her aunt to Seattle.
Ah, Faith. Another colossal fuck-up Carmen blamed herself for. Knowing Faith thought Carmen regretted inviting her to live in Seattle sat heavy in her stomach. After they’d left California, Carmen retreated within herself. It was the only way she knew how to deal with what she was feeling. However, that had given Faith the impression she wasn’t welcome, and that was an awful feeling to have.
As soon as Enid ripped her a new asshole, Carmen tried her hardest to act normally around Faith. It was any time she was alone that her thoughts and mood drifted. She was stuck in a perpetual loop of regret and longing.
No matter how much her brain screamed at her for doing something so stupid, Carmen’s heart and body longed for Molly’s touch. Carmen knew great sex. Over the years, she’d experienced some wild things with a multitude of women. With Molly Parsons, all those experiences amounted to nothing but vanilla encounters. It wasn’t because they did anything out of the ordinary; it was the feeling that accompanied the act.
The want had been so strong, so raw. Carmen felt as if they’d claimed each other, if only for that brief time. And now Carmen didn’t know how to move on from that. In California, she’d decided to make a few changes in her life. Since returning, Carmen had tried to keep her word. A conversation with Rita started the ball rolling and Carmen was looking forward to challenging herself. Getting out of the house more and meeting new people.
What Carmen hadn’t banked on changing was her approach to women. Casual sex was satisfactory, and it meant Carmen didn’t need to be vulnerable and open to getting hurt. For a long time that worked perfectly, but now, after the connection she felt with Molly, Carmen wasn’t sure if casual sex would be enough.
The one person who Carmen relied on to talk this sort of shit through with was absent most of the time now. Mateo and Daniel had ramped up the intensity of their relationship to lesbian standards. A U-Haul was definitely in their future. It was only a matter of time before Mateo wanted to move out. That was a clawing feeling Carmen didn’t want to explore right now. Too many things were changing.
So here she sat in her room again because Mateo was out and so was Faith. Alone and drowning in her own feelings. Great!
The ping of a text message caught her attention. Carmen almost threw the phone across the room when she read Molly’s name on the screen. Why was she messaging?
“Stop being pathetic,” she growled to herself. Picking up the phone, Carmen tapped the message. A picture of Darren loaded. His face had healed, and his smile was radiant. The picture showed him with an arm slung around Molly’s shoulder, laughing.
Carmen’s heart burst open. Darren looked so happy. A far cry from the broken boy Carmen and Molly nursed all those weeks ago.
Carmen 10:45 a.m.
Oh wow, he looks great! How’s he doing?
Molly’s instant reply brought a smile to her face.
Molly 10:46 a.m.
So good. His boyfriend’s parents have offered him a home. Darren reported his dad. It’s been a little intense, but he’s coping well.
Carmen 10:47 a.m.
Oh wow, that’s huge. I’m so happy he’s got a place to go. Please send him my love.
Molly 10:47 a.m.
I will.
Carmen began tapping her fingers on her desk again. Should she mention the party? Apologize? Or should it just be ignored?
Molly 10:48 a.m.
Oh my God, you have to see this cat video, it’s hilarious.
Okay, it looked like Molly wanted to skate over the whole thing, and Carmen was good with that. Maybe she could start sleeping normally now, or you know, focus on anything else but having sex with Molly Parsons.
Later that evening, Carmen was still on her own. Faith and Nathalie were practically joined at the hip now, and ever since Rita had taken to mentoring Faith, Carmen saw less and less of her. As much as Carmen wished she could see Mateo and Faith more, she was happy they were both thriving.
The front door closed with a thud, making Carmen jump. The spoon of spaghetti sauce she was holding fell to the floor, splatting her legs. “Jesus,” she hissed. Why did everyone have to make her fucking jump?
“Hey, Hermana,” Mateo called. He glided into the kitchen, wrapping his arms around Carmen.
“Who are you, and why are you in my house?”
“Okay, I get it, I suck. I’m sorry. I told you I would be around more and have done the exact opposite.”
“It’s fine,” she smiled, but it didn’t quite meet her eyes.
“No, it’s not. But I’m here now and it’s high time we had an evening together.”
“What’s with the sudden worry?” Carmen hadn’t meant for it to come out as a snarky comment, but Mateo’s wince said it had.
“Enid,” Mateo mumbled, his eyes dropping to the floor.
“Enid?”
“Yeah, she, um… she had a chat with me.”
“Okay, about?”
“How I’ve dropped you for a piece of ass.”
“Whoa, I don’t think that. I know Daniel is important to you.”
“I know, but she isn’t wrong. I just got swept up in him and totally bailed on you.” Mateo toed the floor. “I knew something was going on with you, but ignored it because I was enjoying being with Daniel.”
Okay, that kind of stung. Carmen would drop everything for Mateo, no matter who she was with. “It’s fine.” Another half-smile.
Mateo grabbed Carmen by the shoulders and looked into her eyes. “No, it’s not. No man or woman or any other person, for that matter, should ever be more important than you and me. I lost sight of that for a second and I’m sorry. I’m here now though. I’ve told Daniel I need to spend some time at home and he understands.”
“Mateo, you didn’t have to do that. I’m fine, really.”
“And if I didn’t know you so well, I might be inclined to believe that mierda! But I do know you, and you’ve been struggling. Ever since we got home.”
Turning off the stove, Carmen occupied herself with serving up food for them both. Mateo set the table silently, waiting for Carmen to open up. Halfway through their dinner, Carmen finally spoke. “I slept with Molly.”
“I thought so.”
“Was it obvious to everyone?” Carmen didn’t like the idea of being talked about.
“I think it’s safe to say Enid and Bessie knew too, but we didn’t gossip. I promise.”
“Sure.”
“Hey, look at me,” Mateo pleaded. “We didn’t gossip.”
“Ugh, it doesn’t matter anyway. We made a mistake and made life awkward.”
“Is that why you’re so down lately?”
Carmen scooted her spaghetti around her plate. “It was amazing,” she mumbled.
“Amazing?”
“Yeah. The sex. It was amazing.”
“Okay, why do you sound upset about that?” Mateo chuckled.
“Because it was a mistake. It would be so much easier to forget if it had been mediocre.”
“Why do you need to forget it? By the sounds of it, you were both caught up in a moment. It happened, and that’s it. Why are you hanging on to it?”
“Because… because she… I…”
“Hey, come on,” Mateo encouraged, rubbing Carmen’s back gently.
“We connected, not just physically. I can’t remember the last person who I did that with. Yeah, it was a heat of the moment thing, but in that moment we were together, you know, completely in sync.”
Mateo thought for several seconds. “So why does it have to be a mistake? Maybe you could explore something with Molly?”
“Nope, no way!”
“Why not?”
How could Mateo even entertain that idea? “She’s Faith’s aunt for one. If we started something, and it broke down, like it inevitably would, things between me and Faith would get fucked up.”
“Wow, that’s a bleak outlook.”
“It’s an accurate statement.”
“No, it’s not. Carm, this is much deeper than that. Ever since we were kids, you’ve always expected the worst in people, and I get it—you know I do. But we’re not those kids anymore. You encouraged me to meet new people. To live life, and all this time, you have refused to take your own advice.”
“That’s not it,” Carmen argued.
“That’s absolutely it! I want you to set up a therapy appointment, Carmen. It’s time. I’ve been a terrible brother, letting you continue like this. You’ve always done what’s best for me and now I’m doing the same.” Mateo handed Carmen her phone.
“You want me to call now?”
“Yes, no time like the present.”
“Fine.” Carmen wouldn’t argue. For Mateo to be so insistent, she knew it was time to seek help. “There,” she replied, setting the phone down. “I have an appointment on Wednesday.”
“Okay, good. Now, tell me about your chat with Rita.”
“Oh shit! Yeah, I didn’t tell you, did I? I’m going to work full time for Rita. I’ll take over the running of the digital content. I’ve already got so many ideas.”
“What about your business?”
“I’m staying on as a silent partner. I’ve sold part of each company to the new CEOs.”
“Jesus, Carmen, that’s huge. Why the hell didn’t you tell me?”
“Because you’ve been MIA!” Carmen shot.
“Fuck, yeah, I know.”
“I don’t want to argue or fall out, okay? I knew the day would come when you met someone that swept you off your feet, Mateo. I’m so happy for you, I swear.”
“He has swept me off my feet. But I know better than to abandon my family.”
“That’s a bit much. You haven’t abandoned anyone.”
“It feels like that when I find out you’ve made huge life decisions and I wasn’t around to help you through it.”
“Alright, how about we stop beating on ourselves and just do better?”
“Deal.”
◆◆◆
Life felt closer to an even keel after Carmen’s heart-to-heart with Mateo. He brought Daniel to their house daily, which Carmen was grateful for. Getting to know Daniel better was a must. They might have been acquainted through pizza delivery, but that wasn’t enough to scope out if the man was good enough for her brother.
Carmen quickly decided he was. She’d never seen a man treat Mateo so well. Daniel indulged Mateo’s diva side, but knew how to reel him in when needed. They balanced each other out. Deep down, she knew they were going to last. Mateo had finally found his happily ever after.
As for Carmen’s love life, that had shifted too. It didn’t take too many therapy sessions for Carmen to understand how self-destructive she had been over the past few months. Longer if she were being honest.
That led to a monumental decision and one that scared the crap out of her. Carmen was going to date for real. Not just a hook-up or friends with benefits. No, she was going to bite the bullet and ask a woman out.
Fumbling with her phone, Carmen cursed her ridiculous nerves. “Just message her, you moron.” Easier said than done though. Her body was pre-wired to keep people at a distance. Changing that way of living wasn’t an easy fix. “Okay, just calm down. Send the message and go from there. No pressure.”
“Did you do it yet?” Faith asked from the other side of Carmen’s door.
“Not yet,” she whined.
“Just hit send, Carmen.” Faith replied. Carmen could hear the eye roll in her voice.
“Fuck it,” she grumbled, hitting send. “Done,” she called to Faith, who flung open her door excitedly.
“Really?”
“Yes, really,” Carmen laughed.
“Okay, what are you going to wear for your first date?”
“Faith, she hasn’t even replie—” the beep of her phone stopped Carmen mid-sentence.
“What did she say?” Faith practically screamed.
With a shaking thumb, Carmen swiped open the message. Rachel’s answer was a resounding yes. Relief flooded her system. “She said yes.”
“Yeah, she did!” Faith cried loudly, whooping and hollering.
Carmen couldn’t help but laugh at Faith’s over the top reaction. “Shit, I’ve got to go on a proper date now,” Carmen chuckled.
“You’re going to be great. You know Rachel. Don’t overthink it.”
“I’ll try not to.”
“Where are you taking her?” Crap, Carmen only got up to asking the detective for a date. She hadn’t even thought of what would happen if she said yes.
“Um… a bar?”
“Sure, but not just a bar you would usually go to. It has to stand out.”
“Okay, um… yeah, I know, there’s a new place I think she’d enjoy.”
“Great, now the outfit.” Carmen watched Faith scour her closet. She’s spending too much time with Mateo.
“What’s going on?” Mateo asked from the doorway, his finger pointing between Carmen sitting on the bed and Faith raiding her clothes.
“Rachel said yes,” Faith shouted from the closet.
“Hell yeah, she did,” Mateo called, entering Carmen’s room. Carmen sat back on her bed and relaxed. There was zero point in her trying to have an opinion on her clothes now Faith and Mateo were in full fashion mode.
Sure enough, half an hour later and after several wardrobe changes, Carmen stood in front of her floor mirror checking out the date clothes. She had to admit; they looked good.
“And once again, I am a genius,” Mateo sighed.
“Excuse you, who is the genius?” Faith huffed. Carmen loved this version of Faith, who had well and truly burst out of her closet. Not just with soaring confidence as a queer woman, but with sass and attitude. Faith was still the kind and gracious kid that had turned up on her doorstep, but now she believed in herself. It really was a beautiful thing to witness.
“You’re right, chica, this one belongs to you,” Mateo conceded, bowing his head slightly. Faith giggled and swatted his arm.
Another chime of Carmen’s phone interrupted their antics. “Jeez, she’s keen,” Mateo laughed, presuming the message was from Rachel. It wasn’t. As soon as Carmen’s eyes spied Molly’s name, her heart gave a brief flutter.
Over the course of the past few weeks, Molly began to message daily. At first Carmen found it difficult to engage, but Molly was good at putting her at ease. It didn’t take long for them to begin daily conversations. Most of the time, they spoke about everyday life. Molly updated Carmen on the kids. Courtney and Lisa were well and truly in the young love stage. Micah was storming their way up the ranks in their job. Even Liam was doing better. He’d joined a gaming club and was making new friends.
Carmen talked about the work she was doing for Rita. Their mutual passion for helping queer youths made their conversations easy to get lost in.
To help move past her guilt of sleeping with Faith’s aunt, Carmen had been open and honest with her therapist. Since letting that night go, she and Molly had built a genuine friendship. However, they never talked about women and dating. Carmen wasn’t sure she was quite ready to hear about Molly being with someone else, which she knew was stupid because they only had one night together.
That being said, Carmen could recognize now that their one night had meant something to her and that she wouldn’t simply dismiss it as nothing. “Oh, it’s not Rachel,” Carmen commented nonchalantly.
“Is it Molly?” Faith asked innocently. Faith was still in the dark about Carmen and Molly’s transgression and that’s how it would stay. As far as Faith was concerned, they were just friends.
“Yeah, it is. She’s covering a night shift at the shelter.”
“She’s been doing that a lot lately,” Faith sighed. “I think there’s something going on with her, but when I ask, she dodges the question.”
“I’m sure she’s fine,” Mateo assured.
“Has she mentioned anything to you?” Faith asked Carmen.
“No, nothing. She’s probably tired and missing you, kiddo.”
“Yeah, I think it’s time I invited her for a visit.”
The sudden thudding of Carmen’s heart took her by surprise. They’d done well forming a long-distance friendship. Carmen wasn’t sure she’d be so chill with Molly being close. And what if things with Rachel took off? How awkward would that be? Well, only if Molly still thought about their night together. That was unlikely, right? Yeah, Carmen was overthinking, as usual. Laying her worries to one side, she laid a hand on Faith’s shoulder. “You should absolutely invite her here. Bessie, too. I bet Enid would love that.”
There, she’d done the right thing. Faith skipped out of her room, presumably to call Molly. Mateo bumped Carmen’s shoulder. “Are you okay with that?” he asked quietly.
“Yeah, it will do Faith a world of good seeing her again. And I’m in a better place now. We had a night together, but that’s all it was.”
“Okay, if you’re good, I’m good. Now let’s get you looking hot as hell for your date tonight.”
Yes, that’s what Carmen needed to concentrate on. The person who was an option for her. Not a fantasy that still haunted her dreams.