Chapter Three #2
His open fury brought a smile to Ledger’s lips and lifted the invisible weight suffocating him. “You need your sleep. Like I said, it’s been a long day for you.” Ledger had to stay focused on Kash’s health and not the fact they would be under the same covers.
Kash shot him an irritated look that had Ledger pressing his lips together to keep from laughing.
“Quit thinking about everyone else first.” The words were gruff and sent chills down Ledger’s spine.
He felt younger than he had in years. Ridiculously, Ledger wanted to get in bed and kick his feet like a little kid.
Kash’s presence just brought out something in him.
Something unnamed he hadn’t felt in years.
Ledger dutifully climbed into bed.
Kash turned out the lights and got into bed next to him.
For a moment, they were flat on their backs and equally silent. At the same time, they rolled to face each other. Kash’s eyes shone eerily bright in the darkness, especially since he openly stared at Ledger.
“Did you mean it when you said you missed me?”
Kash’s voice soothed something inside Ledger where no one could see. The darkness engulfing them made the moment feel intimate.
“Yes. It just hit me like a wave while we were standing there. All the times we stayed up talking kind of hit me all at once. When Valon and you split, I kind of went off at him over the situation.”
“I heard. He texted me to tell me how horrible I am for turning the only father he has left against him. So I disappeared. You’re his dad. I’m nobody. I couldn’t put you in the middle.”
A sad smile tugged at Ledger’s lips. “Technically, I put myself in the middle. While I understand all the valid reasons you two had to go separate ways, Valon wasn’t the only one who lost you, and I was still at the height of dealing with my own bullshit.
I projected onto him, and that was a failing I’ll always have to live with.
That’s not on you. You loved him, and you were one of the steadiest parts of his life.
It broke my heart to watch you two fall apart, especially since I knew you were the person who kept him grounded. Now look at him.”
Kash didn’t respond right away. In the silence, Ledger began to regret the confession. His speech sounded a little too much like he blamed Kash for who Valon had become. That was not what he meant, and Ledger didn’t know how to fix it.
Kash’s foot lightly brushed his beneath the covers, taking away every panic that slowly built.
“You’re a good person. Someday Valon will come back down to reality.
It’s inevitable. One day, he’ll wake up, look around, and realize he pushed away everyone who truly loved him, leaving him with nothing but fake people who use him and leave him empty.
I’m not trying to make you feel worse. Sometimes, people have to learn lessons the hard way.
All you can do is keep showing up, proving you’ll always be here, waiting to welcome him back. ”
Ledger was uncomfortably close to tears. When he spoke, he barely managed to get above a whisper. “You’ll never understand how much I hate how life taught you way too many lessons too soon. You deserved to get to have your shithead years too.”
A smile exploded across Kash’s face. “Don’t worry. I’ve gotten my bad boy era. It’s been pretty epic.”
“Then you came home to where you always knew I’d be waiting.
” Ledger didn’t know why he had said that.
Worse, he wasn’t sure he meant it in a fatherly way.
Kash had always felt older than his years to Ledger.
He had always felt more like a friend than he should have.
But maybe they had needed each other, as horrifying as that sounded to him.
Maybe they still needed each other. A family neither of them had.
Except he didn’t feel like family in that moment.
Kash spoke quietly. His entire demeanor changed. His voice sounded exactly like a man ready to bare all his secrets. “Real talk. I stopped letting myself think about you a long time ago.”
That stung. “I suppose that’s fair.”
Kash’s foot brushed his again. “It’s not on you. If I let myself think about those last three months, when Valon left to go on tour and never so much as texted me the entire time, I’d have to face a harsh truth.”
Ledger’s breathing shallowed. He wondered if he would faint from how honed in he was on every word Kash spoke. He was torn between needing to know and being scared he already knew. “What truth?” He shouldn’t have asked, but goddamn it. Ledger needed to hear the words.
“Maybe—in the end—I wasn’t as innocent in our breakup as I wanted to believe. I knew if I looked too closely, I’d have to admit I wished you were mine.”
Tears unexpectedly clogged his throat. He couldn’t respond. Reality tore him in two directions.
“It’s okay if you want that new guard now.”
Slight panic hit. He couldn’t let Kash believe that was what he wanted. “No. You’re the one I want.” God help him. Ledger couldn’t say he hadn’t meant the words in every way possible. Kash had him all the way fucked up. He wasn’t sure he cared to stop.
“We should get some sleep.”
“Yeah.” Kash’s agreement sounded gruff.
Ledger couldn’t take it. His hand found Kash’s beneath the covers. Their fingers linked. As if that was all they needed, their eyes closed. The exhaustion won.