45. Ellie
Chapter forty-five
Ellie
“ I might have gone a little overboard,” Evie warns us as we join her in the living room of the beach house.
I clap my hands together at the sight before me and rock onto my tiptoes. “Oh my god, Eves,” I yell. “Where did you find all this?”
I have no clue how Evie fit everything in her bag, but this is like a gold mine of nostalgia. Anything I’d have at a sleepover growing up is here. Disposable cameras, a copy of Goosebumps , glow sticks, a Tamagotchi, matching tie-dye shirts, Pop Rocks, neon nail polish, toe socks, and a stack of magazines. I hold up an old toy they used to advertise as an easy way to twist hair…they lied .
“I can’t believe they still make those things,” Evie says. “I always wanted one growing up, but my mom said it’d rip out my hair. Then Aiden teased me and said he’d help me with it, and I didn’t trust the smart-ass little shit, so I never asked my mom again.”
“Ugh, he’s the worst,” Bec says with a smirk.
“Ugh, right?” Evie laughs.
“I hate to ruin your dream, but yeah, these will ruin your hair,” I say. “It took my mom hours to detangle mine when I tried to make cute twists with gemstones in middle school. ”
Evie plops onto the ground, her back to me, crisscrossing her legs. “Do the honors, Ellie. I won’t live forever. It’s worth the risk.”
An hour later, we’ve walked down memory lane, filled up on popcorn and candy, and spoiled the shit out of one very happy Tamagotchi. Dom probably doesn’t even realize how his selflessness impacts more people than he intended to. He did this for me, but when Evie explains that she never had a sleepover growing up, and watching her recreate what she always wanted, it’s clear that this means something to my friends too.
Dominic’s thoughtfulness can only take me so far.
It’s time I put in the effort too.
I wait and enjoy the activities Evie planned for the night. We play Never Have I Ever and cut up magazines to make up our vision boards of what our “grown-up” lives will look like and who our “dream partners” will be. If there’s one thing I learned growing up having sleepovers with Bec, it’s the inevitable heart-to-heart at the end of the night. No sleepover is ever complete without it.
When it’s my turn, I finally share my story.
***
“Holy shit, Ellie. That is…” For the first time in years of friendship, maybe the first time ever in her life, Dee is speechless.
I attempt to calm my racing heart after finally telling the girls what happened when Luca was born. It’s the first time I’ve told anyone other than Dom what happened, from beginning to end. I couldn’t look at any of them; I kept my eyes closed or stared at my hands, folded tightly in my lap.
When I finally gather the courage to look up, I catch Dee’s gaze first. She looks at me, her expression…heartbroken? Tears collect at the corners of her eyes. She just sniffs quietly and takes my hand in hers, squeezing tightly.
Sometimes, there aren’t words.
“I know. It’s a lot. It’s been easier to not talk about it. To pretend the worst details were things I made up in my mind. Giving voice to them felt like it would make them real. I didn’t want to relieve it all, but clearly holding it in isn’t working either.”
“I’m really glad you told us,” Abby says, her voice kind and reassuring. “You shouldn’t have to carry this alone.”
“Dom knows everything. I came out of the anesthesia and couldn’t hold anything in, it all came spilling out before I was lucid. I’m not sure I would have told him otherwise. He looked traumatized, too, but he still listened to me and held me. Immediately afterward, he asked the nurse for a therapy referral. She told him it was ‘just the baby blues.’”
I didn’t want to share the story with anyone else after that.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” Carissa asks, rage rolling off her like I’ve never seen from her before.
“Yeah.” I laugh, because, you know…trauma. “I’ve never seen him so upset. He requested someone new for the rest of the shift, and the next nurse gave us the information we needed. She was amazing.”
I duck my head, shame threatening to swallow me whole. “It’s felt like that ever since. Other people picking up the pieces. I’m so mad at myself for not being able to do this on my own. It feels like I’m this heavy anchor weighing everyone down.”
“No one has ever seen you that way. Parents were never meant to do this alone. Besides, what you went through was terrifying. It’s not like you could prepare for something like that,” Evie says.
“But shouldn’t I have been able to do something ? Every minute of that day has looped in my mind over and over, and every time I wonder, what if ? What if I did this or that differently? Would it still have happened the way it did? Did the choices I made put us into that situation?”
“Ellie, there isn’t always a reason. Sometimes things just go wrong, and there isn’t anything anyone could have done to prevent it.” Carissa gives me a thoughtful look before asking, “What would happen if you decided to forgive yourself? If you just said, hey, I did the best I could then and I’m doing the best I can now.”
“Then I’d be admitting to myself that nothing is in my control. ”
If I can’t control everything, then I can’t control anything. I know that sounds crazy, but it’s just how it feels. How can I expect to function with so much uncertainty?
“Isn’t that life?” Bec asks.
“I guess,” I say with a shrug. “All I want is to watch my son grow up and see the joy the world can bring him. But the way our lives together started tainted my view of it all. It feels like I can’t ever relax, can’t ever enjoy anything, because the worst is lurking around the corner, waiting for me to get comfortable before swooping in and stealing everything I ever wanted.”
People love to quote statistics to new parents. The chance of that happening is so low. That rarely happens, don’t worry. But statistics no longer make me feel comfortable, because the chances of something bad happening can be small…but they still happen to someone . This time it was us. Being on the receiving end of something that is rare or unlikely just makes you feel even more isolated when it does happen.
“I used to think the same thing,” Evie says with a soft smile. Last year, she and Aiden shared some of the struggles their family faced while they were growing up, and even though she doesn’t mention it, I know it’s weighing on her mind. “It’s easier to get comfortable with the idea that things can’t get better, and if they did, then they won’t last. It feels like you’re doing yourself a favor, saving yourself from a worse fallout when it all goes to shit. But you’re also robbing yourself of so much joy. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, but you deserve to be happy.”
I want to believe her. I want to try .