46. Dom
Chapter forty-six
Dom
“ H ow are things at work, Dominic?” my therapist, David, asks during our virtual session. Thankfully, Luca is still napping, so it looks like I’ll get to finish the appointment without having to also watch an infant. Hard to focus on adult conversations with a toddler trying to destroy the house.
“Overall, pretty good. The school year’s coming to a close, so things will be busy this month. I’m volunteering with prom, after-prom, and the graduation ceremony for the seniors before I finally get to enjoy some overdue family time over summer break.”
“And what about at home? Luca’s well?”
I can’t help the grin that stretches across my face. “His big personality is really shining. He’s a happy kid. Thankfully, his sleeping habits are getting better too.”
Knock on fucking wood right now, you stupid asshole. He’ll probably sleep like shit for a week now that I’ve opened my mouth.
Never acknowledge the good nights. He’ll hear and change the program.
“And with Ellie?”
I pause, nervous to say it out loud. I’ve been working with David since Luca was born. He won’t judge me, but he will be honest with me. Sometimes the truth is fucking scary. Like, is my marriage failing ?
But I didn’t come this far to avoid facing the reality of our situation, and honestly, I could use an impartial opinion on what the fuck I should do right now. I spend a few minutes catching David up on my recent fight with Ellie and the trip she’s on with the girls.
“So, Ellie comes home tomorrow,” he says carefully.
“Yup,” I say, rolling my lips and biting down.
“Tell me if I’m wrong, but you seem anxious.”
“Ellie and I had a fight where she questioned the future of our marriage. Who wouldn’t be scared of what’s next?”
“What do you want to say to her after several days apart?”
“That I love her. That I’m sorry if I pushed her too far. That she doesn’t have to do this stupid game anymore if she doesn’t want to. That I’ll keep trying to find better ways to fix…”
He raises an eyebrow but doesn’t say anything. How do therapists always know when to stop talking and let you dig your own grave? The number of times I talk myself in circles while David waits patiently for me to get there is more than I’d like to admit.
“I’ll find better ways to fix what’s broken,” I say, the uncertainty in my voice is clear, even to me. Because I don’t know what I’m going to do if Ellie wants to stop this. I’m out of ideas. This was all I had, and if it’s not enough…fuck, it has to be enough.
“Do you feel responsible for other people’s happiness?” David asks. While I’m stunned into silence, he goes on. “What about Ellie? Do you feel responsible for her healing?”
“This feels like a trap.”
“I promise,” he says with a good-natured chuckle, “it’s not.”
“It feels like I’m supposed to say no, but then how do I support her as her husband if I don’t see it as my responsibility to help her find happiness? To help her heal?”
“But that’s not what you’re telling me. What I’m hearing you say is what you’re doing isn’t working. I’m not hearing anything about what Ellie is doing and if that is working. Supporting someone, loving someone, helping someone…no ne of that means you can do the work for them. It’s clear you love your wife and Ellie loves you. But what I want to hear from you is an understanding that you can walk with her while she heals, but you can’t take the steps for her.”
“I don’t see the difference.”
“Do you feel like you have value, even when you’re not helping the people you love? Are you enough as you are, not because of what you give to others.”
Fuck. Okay, that one hurts.
“It’s easier to take that on, I guess. I don’t want to see the people I care about struggling.”
“That’s perfectly human. But I want to caution you; when you start believing you can take on other people’s hurt in hopes of “fixing” it, you risk losing yourself in the process. Have you considered that maybe the best thing you could do for Ellie would be to just love her through it all, without trying to put the entire world on your shoulders? You can be there for her. You can love her and support her. But at the end of the day, she has to find the path forward.”
I’m stunned speechless, so he continues, “Have you ever talked to Ellie about the birth from your eyes? What you experienced?”
“What I experienced was nothing compared to what she went through,” I respond, I’ll admit a bit defensively.
He puts his hands up in surrender, placating me. “I only wonder if you’re waiting for her to heal from a wound that you’ve been avoiding looking at too closely yourself. Maybe it’s easier to focus on her healing, because you don’t think you need to do your own.”
Jesus, David. Not holding anything back today, huh?
“It didn’t feel important to share my perspective at the time,” I say.
He gives me a look of compassion and empathy, again without judgment.
“If I told you that her story didn’t feel important, would you agree with me?” he asks, with a knowing look.
Of course not.
Is this why I have this burning need to control everything? To protect Ellie and Luca because the thought of another unpredictable emergency makes me feel painfully vulnerable?
All this time, I’ve been focused on trying to give Ellie everything she needs to find herself again, but David’s words have me questioning if maybe I’m just as lost as she is.