7. Chester
Chester
I ’d watched Finn walk out of my shop and assumed I’d never see him again.
How wrong I’d been.
Somehow, I’d forgotten that Finn liked to swim in the loch. You know, the one right outside my house. Thank fuck he didn’t know I lived here. He was probably just going about his workout, completely oblivious to my creeping ways.
And they were creepy, I knew that. But I couldn’t fucking help myself. Something drew me to Finn. It had been far harder than I’d anticipated, seeing him leave my shop and believing I’d never see him again. Which was daft given I barely knew the bloke.
I couldn’t deny the relief I felt whenever I opened my bedroom curtains to spy his muscled arms cutting through the water.
The glimpses of his rear that told me he swam naked.
The dawning sun turning his auburn hair to copper.
His broad shoulders covered in faint freckles, making me wonder if they grew more prominent in the summer.
Maybe I’ll find out .
It wasn’t like I was intentionally drooling over him. It just so happened that he’d be swimming in the area right outside my window when my alarm went off.
And if I just so happened to start drinking my tea while staring out of my kitchen window? Well, that was between me and the sink.
For the fourth day in a row, my eyes were glued to Finn’s silhouette as he executed perfectstrokes. The loch was too wide for him to do a full length, but he went much further than I’d be able to. He’d stop at some unknown marker,flip turn, and swim back to shore, then repeat it all over again.
The man was a machine. I had no idea how many lengths he was capable of, but I was treated to this show for at least an hour each time. His fitness levels were unlike anything I’d ever seen before.
As were his muscles. Jesus, I’d been floored by them in the woods, but now I knew how they looked in the daylight. The taut lines of his calves. The mouthwatering thickness of his thighs.The delicious fullness of his arse.
I shouldn’t lust after Finn. He was too big. Too strong.Too wild.
But I couldn’t help myself. I’d struggled to keep things professional when he was fully clothed and there was a counter between us. Take away those clothes and make him dripping wet and working out?It was a miracle I wasn’t waiting on the shore with lube and a condom.
I might’ve done that in the past. Okay, so it would’ve been a towel instead of lube, but I would’ve flirted. Might’ve suggested he come inside to warm up. Offered to cook him breakfast after…
I put my cup down on the side, grabbing onto the sink with both hands. It’s okay. You’re free of him now. Taking several deep breaths, I focused on the feel of the cold ceramic beneath my fingers. You’re safe. He’s not here. He can’t find you.
Fuck, I hated the power Matt had over me still. Something as stupid as thinking about offering to cook someone breakfast shouldn’t be enough to trigger this level of panic. The clawing, claustrophobic feeling of being trapped.
Cooking Matt breakfast had been one of my‘chores . ’ He’d said it was the least I could do, given I was living in his house.
The fact that I’d been paying him rent hadn’t been enough, apparently. Not that I’d minded at first. I loved caring for people, especially cooking for them. They said the way to a man’s heart was through his stomach, and it was a philosophy I fully endorsed.
Well, used to endorse. Just the thought of cooking for someone else now had my hands trembling and sweat breaking out on my temples.
Or apparently, sent me into a full-blown panic attack.
I tried to suck in air, but my lungs weren’t cooperating. Dark spots appeared in my vision as I started to hyperventilate. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
I hadn’t had many panic attacks before. This was only my third. The first had happened when I thought I saw Matt walk past the shop window, the second when I glimpsed a car the same make and colour as his.
The room tilted sideways, and I slid to the floor. You’re not going to faint. You’re hyperventilating.
My gran had suffered with panic disorder, so thankfully, I knew the basics. My hands were tingling, my lips too. Cupping my hands over my face, I breathed in and out several times .
Fuck, it wasn’t getting better. Maybe I should lie down. The cool tile might help ground me.
I’d done just that when there was a hammering at my front door. I flinched, my hand spasming against the floor. Who the fuck was that? I didn’t have any deliveries due and I lived too far out for any salesmen.
The knocking was repeated, and I closed my eyes. Whoever it was, they’d have to go away. I was in no state for company.
Imagine if it was Finn.
I dismissed that thought. He was far away, swimming in the loch. He had no idea I lived here, and even if he did, why would he be knocking? It wasn’t like we were friends or as if he could know anything was wrong.
My blood was whooshing in my ears. I focused on that, trying to slow my breathing. That was when I noticed another noise. A strange scratching at my back door.
If I weren’t already mid-panic attack, I might’ve been concerned about bears. Not that we had them here in Scotland, but my brain was past logic. As it was, I didn’t react as the handle turned and the door was nudged open.
My chest constricted until I spotted a long snout. It’s just a dog.
The door creaked wider and I frowned. A fucking big dog. Holy shit, what breed was that?
Sharp green eyes swept the kitchen as he sniffed the air. He padded inside on giant paws and a jolt of fear zipped through me.
Great. You’ve recovered enough for more panic. Fabulous timing.
Was that even a dog? It looked more like a wolf. I knew they weren’t wild in Scotland, not anymore. I’d researched it the other night after Finn had stumbled on me in the woods. I’d thought it was better to be informed about what could eat me out there.
Turned out, not a lot. Highland cows definitely carried the most risk.
A small whimper slipped free and the dog’s head snapped around. Its gaze landed on me and I froze.“Please don’t eat me.”
The dog dropped onto its belly. Without looking away from me, it crawled forward a few inches at a time, until its snout was level with my hand. Its damp nose nudged the back of my hand tentatively.
“Oh, you’re friendly.” I exhaled slowly. “Thank fuck, because I definitely would’ve given up and just let you have me today.” The dog’s lips drew back suddenly, his hackles rising. I shrank away. “Maybe not so friendly.”
He stopped instantly and rolled on his back, his tail wagging furiously. Despite never having owned a dog, I knew it was his way of submitting. Of telling me he wasn’t a threat.
I sat up with a chuckle, unable to resist such a cutie. “Okay, but if you bite me, there’ll be no treats for you.” Reaching forwards, I scratched his belly. “You’re gorgeous, aren’t you. Yes you are. I’ve never seen a pup like you before. You’re so big!”
The dog chuffed and rolled over. He kept low to the ground, his tongue lolling out the side of his mouth.
“Who do you belong to?” I stroked around his neck, giving him some scratches. From the low purr he gave, he liked it. “Hmm, no collar. I’m sure your owner must be missing you though. Maybe we should go outside and see if we can find them.”
Bracing my hand on the floor, I pushed upwards. I only managed to rise a few inches before the room tilted again. It’s okay, it’s just the lack of oxygen. Take it slowly and you’ll be fine.
But I couldn’t. Because the dog put his massive head on my thigh, holding me down.
I glanced at him in confusion. “You’ve gotta let me up, pup. I can’t find your owner if you don’t.”
Did the dog just roll his eyes ?No. I must’ve been imagining things. He may as well have though, given he seemed to have no intention of letting me move. He shuffled until his front paws were on my lap too, pinning me in place.
“Okay,” I said softly, relaxing back onto the floor. “We can stay here for a few minutes, I guess.”
The dog harrumphed like he was agreeing with me.
My hands went into his fur, petting him as we sat on my kitchen floor.
Thanks to his size, there was no way he’d fit on my lap.
He was heavy too, just his front paws and head enough to hold me down.
It didn’t hurt or stress me out. If anything, it was more like having a weighted blanket on me.
Maybe I should get a dog.
“I don’t know how or why you’re here,” I said as his solemn green eyes blinked up at me from my lap, “but you have great timing. You didn’t come here to listen to me whine though. No, I bet you’re hungry. Let me up and I’ll find something for you. I’m pretty sure I’ve got some bacon in the fridge.”
Once again though, I tried to stand and the dog held me down. I sighed as he nudged my tummy and gave a small whine. “Oh, you do want to hear all my troubles? Well, you asked for it.”
Stroking him again, I found the words pouring free. “Where should I start? How about the fact that I just had a panic attack over the thought of making someone breakfast?”
The dog tilted his head to the side, as if to say seriously ?
“Yes, seriously.” I sighed. “My last boyfriend wasn’t very nice. Not to me, anyway. I didn’t realise that for a long time, and I stayed with him for years longer than I should have.”
The dog shuffled closer, giving me more of his weight.
I smiled, grateful to have him here. Was it weird that I was unburdening myself to a random animal I’d only just met?
Probably, but it was better than just letting myself rot inside.
And it was definitely better than opening up to the few humans in my life.
My thoughts went briefly to Finn. Was he still swimming, or had he gone home?
What would he think if he found me on my floor, talking to a dog?
Something told me he wouldn’t tease or mock me for it. Maybe he’d sit with us too, offering me silent support while I talked.
That’s not going to happen, I reminded myself. He was practically a stranger. Okay, he seemed to be attracted to me, but that didn’t mean he wanted to sign up for all my bullshit.
Even if he did, I wouldn’t be able to let him. Matt had left my ability to trust in shreds. I wasn’t sure anyone could repair it. Not even me.
The dog stared up at me solemnly, his head on my leg, ears standing at attention.
“Now, I think I’m broken. I had a thought earlier about cooking breakfast for a hot bloke.
Not that I want to pursue anything with him, but he keeps swimming in the loch every morning and he’s just…
so fucking hot. And naked. It’s too delicious.
Maybe I should start an anonymous petition on the internet for full wetsuits to be required in the loch.
I don’t think that’d even stop me drooling over him th ough.
Finn’s so attractive it’s really unfair to all other men. ”
The dog vibrated, almost like he was laughing.
“It’s okay, you can laugh.” I’d officially lost it if I was treating this dog like a human.
But why not? He’d shown me more kindness in the past few minutes than some humans had in a lifetime.
“I laugh at me all the time. I never used to be like this. Once upon a time, I would’ve been waiting outside with a towel for him. ”
I sighed, sinking my fingers deeper into his fur. “I can’t do that anymore.”
The dog huffed. Why not?
Great, I was now making up the dog’s side of the conversation, just like that guy with his reindeer in the Disney film.
“Because I’m broken now. Changed. Matt took the person I was and shaped me into something new.
Now I’m away from him…but I don’t know how to undo it.
I don’t know how to find that person again. ”
Hot tears pricked at the back of my eyes. “I wish I could though. I’m so miserable. And so fucking lonely. But I can’t change that. I can’t let anyone close.”
He leaned his head into my stomach pointedly. You’ve let me close.
“Well you don’t count,” I whispered, tickling under his jaw. “You won’t hurt me, right? And you’ll go back to your owner soon anyway.”
I leaned forward, cradling the dog’s massive head in my arms, hugging him tightly. “But you come back whenever you like, okay? I could always use the cuddles and company. And I’ll buy some special treats, just for you.”
The dog snuggled closer, his jaw resting on my shoulder as he licked my ear. I laughed. “Yeah, you’re pretty awesome too.”