28. Chester
Chester
A fter an epic blow job followed by Finn jacking off all over my chest, we needed another shower. It was still early once we were done, and being my day off, I was in no rush to get home.
Thankfully, Finn seemed to feel the same. He’d lent me a pair of his joggers and a shirt before offering to take me on a tour of the clan lands.
There was no way I wanted to leave him, especially after last night. Being fucked by Finn was…there were no words. It had been somehow better than anything I’d ever imagined, but also not enough. As soon as it was over, I’d wanted to beg him to do it all over again.
You aren’t on a time limit. It’ll happen again.
I hoped so. To experience something so transcendent only to have it taken away…It didn’t bear thinking about.
When I’d woken before him this morning, I’d been out of bed and sneaking down to the kitchen before I realised what I was doing.
And when I did? It didn’t scare me. I’d known for a long time that Finn wasn’t Matt, and I didn’t want to treat him as such.
Finn knew about my hang-ups around making food for those I cared about, and I knew doing it would send him a message.
A message I wasn’t ready to articulate but wanted him to know all the same.
I care about you. Last night was everything. I desperately want to do it again.
I didn’t know why I was worrying—neither of us had been able to take our hands off the other.
Even now, walking around the clan lands, Finn held my hand in his as he took us past various cabins.
With the early hour, there were few people around.
Those we did pass, Finn didn’t introduce me to.
If anything, he hurried our pace, pulling me forward until we were almost running.
I was starting to get a bit of a complex about it by the time he led me away and into the woods. “There’s a reason I’m not introducing you, just in case you were wondering.”
“Oh?”
“Aye.” He exhaled, nodding at a tiny cabin in the distance. “There is.”
He fell silent as he led me through the woodland. His gait grew stiffer, the lines of his face deepening as we drew nearer. We didn’t go all the way up to the cabin though, stopping a good twenty feet away.
From how Finn was vibrating, I knew this place was significant to him, and not in a good way.
I was dying to ask him about it, but I stayed quiet, letting Finn go at his own pace.
Just as he always did with me.
“This is where Sarah and Maria lived,” he said eventually. “And where they died.”
The air left my lungs so suddenly it was like I’d been socked in the gut. “It is?”
Finn gave a clipped nod. “It happened over a century ago, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to step inside since.”
It occurred to me then that I’d never asked Finn what his relationship to the two of them had been. It hadn’t seemed pertinent at the time. He’d loved them and he’d lost them. That was all I’d needed to know.
Now though…things were different. “Did you live here too?”
“No,” he said softly. “This was Danny’s house.”
Danny. The leader of the clan who’d walked away. Who lived down south with his mate, Riley.
“Sarah was Danny’s wife,” he explained, his voice barely above a whisper. “Maria his daughter. I was their guard.”
Fuck. It was no wonder he blamed himself for their deaths if his job had been to protect them. That didn’t mean it was his fault; he hadn’t been here.
I knew Finn didn’t see it that way though.
“I loved them both in a way I shouldn’t have,” he continued, tears thickening his voice.
I suspected I knew the answer, but I asked the question anyway. “Did any of them know?”
“Fuck no. I kept my feelings buried. They weren’t mine to love, but I did anyway.”
My heart was breaking for him. “You can’t help who you fall in love with, Finn. The heart chooses, not you.”
“Danny said something similar to me last year,” Finn murmured. “I think he finally realised what I’d kept from him all this time.”
“Was he mad at you?”
Finn shook his head. “Not for loving them, anyway. I think he was a little pissed that I’d hidden my grief from him though. But they weren’t mine to grieve any more than they were mine to love.”
I snuggled into Finn’s side, offering him my support. “I’m so sorry, Finn. I can’t imagine how hard it was for you.”
He leaned against me. “It’s got easier. Mostly because of you.”
“Because of the memorial I made for them?”
“No.” Finn gave a small smile. “Well, that helped too, but just meeting you, spending time with you, has helped. I’ve been so frightened of falling for someone that I’d closed myself off.”
I was confused. “Why would you do that? Surely if you fell for someone who was single, you wouldn’t be caught in the same trap as before?”
“That’s not what I’m afraid of.” He turned so we were facing each other, cupping my face as he stared into my eyes. “I’m not afraid of unrequited love, Chester. I’ve survived it before and, as much as it sucks, I know I can do it again if necessary.”
Love. Was that something I wanted with him? Was it something I was even capable of after Matt?
Fuck. I hoped so.
“I’m afraid of loss,” he confessed. “Of loving someone only for them to be taken from me. That’s why I’m not introducing you around the clan. I don’t mind them seeing you, but the less they know about you the better.”
“How does that tie into losing me?”
“Because not everyone here can be trusted,” he said heavily. “Danny was betrayed by members of our own clan. Last year, it happened again, and his human mate almost paid the price. ”
My eyes bugged wide. “Are they still part of the clan?”
“No,” he said darkly. “They aren’t part of this plane or any other.”
The meaning behind his words sank in. It didn’t shock me. If anything, I was relieved that Finn didn’t have to share his lands with those who would commit such atrocities.
“That doesn’t mean to say there aren’t others who are looking for an opportunity to oust me,” Finn said.
“Our clan is the most powerful in Britain, and there are always those seeking leadership. It means Calan, Logan, Evan and I all have targets on us. We have to be constantly aware of any threats that might make themselves known.”
“But you more so, right? Because you’re the leader?”
“Aye. And if I have a weak spot? That’s what they’ll target. Or rather, who.”
I flushed as I realised what he was getting at. “I’m your weak spot.”
He winced. “Well, I wouldn’t put it that way. But yes, I’m afraid that if they realise what you mean to me, they’ll target you. And as you’re human…”
“It’s not a fight I’ll come off well in.” I finished the sentence for him. “But you said Danny’s mate survived, right? Isn’t he human too?”
“Aye, but the key point there is that he’s Danny’s mate . He shares Danny’s strength, healing abilities, and most importantly, his immortality. Killing him would be only marginally easier than taking on Danny himself.”
My mind was reeling with all this new information. “So, what you’re saying is that we need to keep things quiet because I’m not your mate?”
“That’s exactly it.” His thumbs stroked my face. “It’s not because I’m ashamed of ye, it’s because I can’t let myself lose you. Not like that.”
“Is that—” I swallowed hard, then forced the rest of the words out. “Is that what you want from me? For me to be your mate?”
Finn exhaled slowly.“I want to be with ye, Chester. If that one day means you becoming my mate, then yes, I can see that. Very easily. Too easily, if I’m being honest.”
“Why too easily?”
“Because I’m falling for you hard, m’eudail,” he said seriously.
“I’m trying to slow myself down, but I canna do it.
What’s worse, I don’t want to. I’ve spent weeks now lying at your feet as Buddy, listening to you talk.
About your childhood. Your gran. What it was like to lose your parents at such a young age.
Why you wanted to move to Scotland. Your hopes, fears, dreams. You’ve shared them all with me.
You might not be in the same place as me, but I wouldn’t expect you to be. ”
He stroked my cheeks with his thumbs. “I’ve had all this time to get to know you and it’s had me falling harder and faster than I could’ve imagined. Now, all I want is for you to get to know me too.”
“I want that too, but…” My voice trailed away.
Finn was able to read me too well. “But you’re scared?”
“Yeah. And it’s not fair on you, I know that. You’re not Matt, but it still doesn’t stop the fear.”
“I’m not expecting it to,” Finn said, hands still on my face. “I know what baggage you’re carrying, Chester, and I’m not expecting it to disappear overnight. But maybe it’d help if you shared some more. What specifically frightens you?”
I bit my lip. Opening up about all my fears…could I do th at? What if Finn thought my worries were ridiculous? Or worse, what if he walked away entirely?
“Come on.” He released my face and took my hand again. “Let’s walk and talk. That might make you feel more comfortable.”
I gave a final glance at the cabin as we walked away.
That’s when I realised how difficult this must’ve been for Finn.
For him to come here and open up about his past; something I suspected he didn’t do often.
I’d seen the pain he’d gone through to do it, but he had.
He’d opened up because he wanted me to know every part of him.
I squared my shoulders. He’d done it for me. I could do the same for him.
“Let’s take me out of the equation for a minute,” Finn suggested. “What scares you the most about being in a committed relationship?”
I turned the question over in my mind. “Losing my sense of self. That, and not being able to make my own decisions.”
There was a cracking noise—one I recognised this time. I glanced at Finn in alarm, but he just gave me a tight smile and shook his head.
“It’s fine, just Buddy sharing my irritation at your ex. I’ve got it under control though.”