28. Chester #2
Honestly, it was weirdly reassuring to know how much his wolf protested at the mere thought of me not being in charge of my own life. Surely that had to mean Finn would never do that?
You already know that’s true.
My brain didn’t argue with my heart this time. At some point over the past few days, they seemed to have landed on the same page .
“What else, m’eudail?”
“Mixing my finances with someone else’s terrifies me,” I admitted. “I’m not sure that’s something I’ll ever get past. I need to know I’ve got my own safety net at all times.”
Finn nodded sagely. “A lot of couples don’t mix their finances and are perfectly happy. If that’s what it takes for you to feel safe in a relationship, then that’s a boundary you should enforce. If your partner isn’t accepting of that, he’s not right for you. It’s as simple as that.”
Was it? It hadn’t felt like that with Matt. Then again, there’d been none of these conversations up front. Everything had happened so fast, yet the manipulation had been done slowly. A carefully calculated takeover, executed so precisely that I hadn’t realised he’d caged me until it was too late.
“I worry about being trapped,” I whispered, ducking my head to hide my shame at admitting such a thing. “I’m scared of being in a situation I have no way out of. Worse, I’m terrified of falling in love with someone who’s bad for me.”
“Chester.” Finn tugged on my hand until I came to a stop. “You shouldn’t feel ashamed about that. It’s completely understandable and reasonable that you feel like this.”
“Is it?” I blinked away the burning in my eyes. “Look at the size of me, Finn. Matt wasn’t a big bloke. He was half my size, and I let him reduce me to nothing. What does that make me? Weak, that’s what.”
“You are not weak, Chester,” Finn said fiercely, clasping the back of my neck and bringing his forehead to mine. “You were abused and manipulated. You were under the control of another but you survived. ”
A sob broke from me, but Finn didn’t falter. He didn’t let me go. “You could’ve given up, Chester, but you didn’t. You kept going, day after day. And look where you are now. You have a whole new life that’s just yours. Yours, not Matt’s. He can’t take that away from you.”
“Even that wasn’t me though,” I said between sobs. “I didn’t do any of this on my own. I had help.”
“Ye may have had help getting started,” Finn said in a low voice. “But who set up Thistle Do Nicely? You. Who employed Reid? You. Whose work do customers come back for again and again? Yours. Who turned that empty house on the loch into a home? You did, Chester.”
He kissed my tears away. “You might’ve had a helping hand getting here, but you’re the one who’s made a success of it. You could’ve shut yourself away in your house and never faced society again. I wouldn’t have blamed ye for it.”
The tears were dwindling as Finn’s words burned away the guilt and the shame. As he replaced Matt’s vitriol with his own support.
“You’re so damn strong, Chester. Look how far you’ve come after what you’ve been through. It took me over a hundred years to be ready to move on with my life, but you? You’ve managed to do it in less than a year. If that doesn’t tell you how strong ye are, I don’t know what will.”
I wasn’t sure how long we stood there, foreheads pressing together, Finn’s hand around the back of my neck. It could’ve been a minute or an hour.
When I finally lifted my head, Finn smiled. “Does that make you feel better about any of your fears? It’s okay if it doesn’t.”
“Well, we’ve looked at it in a very broad way.”
“Aye.” Finn’s forehead crinkled. “I wanted you to think about all possible future relationships. ”
“That’s the problem though. We’ve taken you out of the equation.”
He wasn’t keeping up with me. “And?”
“And—” I touched his cheek as I flayed myself open. “—you’re the only one I can picture being part of the equation. There’s no point in me thinking about potential future relationships, because I can’t imagine being with anyone other than you right now.”
Finn went completely still. “Really?”
“Really. I’m not saying I’m ready to dive in head first, but you’re it for me, Finn. If I can’t make it work with you, I’m not sure I want to attempt it with anyone else.”
Joy flashed over his face, so bright it was almost blinding. “Fuck. Okay, well, let’s put me back in the equation.”
“That’s what I was saying.”
“No.” He rubbed his nose against mine and grinned. “I meant in the context of your fears.”
“You don’t have to, Finn.”
“But I want to.” He took both my hands in his. “Is that okay?”
If I weren’t already convinced he was the one for me, this would’ve sealed the deal. Finn was literally asking permission to address each of my fears and explain how it might affect the relationship he foresaw for us.
He was beyond perfect.
“It’s more than okay.”
“Walk or stand?”
“Let’s walk,” I said. The wind had picked up while we’d been stood there and my coat definitely wasn’t thick enough. “And if you wouldn’t mind letting me borrow your body heat, I’d be immensely grateful.”
Finn drew me into him with a chuckle, his arm a steady weight around my shoulders. “That’s as good a place to start as any, I guess. A relationship with me would come with body warming as standard.”
I snorted. “Always handy to know.”
“And I’d never expect ye to change, Chester.” His tone turned serious as he continued. “Or to stop being yourself. This is the version of you I’m falling for—why would I want anything else?”
I snuggled closer to him. “There’s too much logic there for me to argue with.”
“Let’s continue with logic then,” Finn said. “I’d never expect you to mix your finances with mine. In fact, now that I know about it, I’m going to insist we don’t. I’d feel more comfortable knowing you have your own account and that you keep it topped up at all times.”
The old fears had questions bubbling out before I could stop them. “What about if we move in together? How would we split the bills? Or what if there’s a purchase that’s too much for one of us to pay towards?”
“In the interests of complete honesty and transparency, I’m going to tell you now that I have a ridiculous amount of money.”
“You do?”
Finn nodded. “When you live as long as we do, you tend to accumulate wealth. Plus, there’s a demon down in Southampton with a knack for reading the stock markets.
He manages my investment portfolios, and those of the rest of my inner circle, for that matter.
The last time I checked, I nearly fainted at the number of zeros. ”
“That doesn’t make me want you more,” I blurted out. “That’s not why I asked any of those questions.”
“I know, m’eudail. What I’m trying to say, albeit it very clumsily, is that while I don’t expect you to share your money with me, I’ll happily share mine with you. If there’s anything we need that you can’t afford, I don’t want you to feel pressure to contribute.”
I stiffened. “That doesn’t seem fair.”
“Why not? It’s not money I’ve worked for. It just keeps rolling in. If we can use it to make our lives a bit more comfortable, then why not?”
I saw his point, but it still wasn’t sitting quite right with me. “Can I think on that?”
“Of course, Chester. I’m not expecting ye to jump into anything now. And before you start worrying, I’m not judging you for taking your time. I’m glad you are, given what you’ve been through.”
I kissed the side of his neck, the only part of him I could reach from this angle. “You’re too good for me.”
“Nope. I’m exactly as good as you deserve.
Speaking of which, let’s move on to the next fear.
I completely understand your fear of being trapped.
Of loving someone and not wanting to leave them, but at the same time being unable to live like that anymore.
But you have something now that you didn’t before. ”
“What’s that?”
“You’re not alone,” he said simply. “You have friends. Reid, Logan, Evan, and Calan. Not a single one of them would allow me to treat you badly.”
“Aside from Reid, the rest of them are your friends. Why would they ever side with me over you?”
“It doesn’t work like that, m’eudail. If they ever suspected any foul play was happening, they’d take me down without hesitation.”
It just didn’t make sense to me. I’d seen how close they were. “But why?”
“Because we protect our clan. Our family. If you were my mate, that would include you. I’d go so far as to say they already consider you as such.”
“They’d never hurt you.”
“They would if they learned I was hurting you . That’s how it works in a clan.
Or, at least, that’s how it should work.
That’s why Evan’s struggling with what happened to Reid.
He didn’t believe it was happening because it was such a foreign concept to him.
A clan is only as strong as its most vulnerable member. You protect each other.”
I thought back to the cottage we’d left behind. “Not all clan members feel like that.”
“No,” he said softly, and I knew he was back at that cottage with me. “But when they’re found, they are dealt with. And that’s what the others would do. They wouldn’t allow you to be trapped in an abusive relationship with me, Chester. They just wouldn’t.”
Hearing him phrase it like that had me sucking in a breath. “You’d never abuse me.”
He wouldn’t. I knew that.
So why was this something I was struggling with?
“No. I wouldn’t.” Finn wasn’t upset. His tone was calm and even. “But it’s okay if your brain is sceptical. I wouldn’t want you to rush into anything given what you’ve been through, not even a relationship with me.”
I stopped, facing him. “How can you be this understanding? I don’t get it.”
“Because you’re my endgame,” he said simply.
“You asked me earlier if I want you as my mate, and I do. I’m tired of denying it, even to myself.
But we’re not on a deadline. We have time, m’eudail.
I’m in no rush. I plan on staying in love with you forever, so why rush the journey to get there when we could enjoy it instead? ”
He’d said so many wonderful things to me today, but that one was going straight to the top of the list.
“ I plan on staying in love with you forever. ”
I couldn’t promise him that. Not yet.
But I could promise him a start.
Laying a gentle kiss on his lips, I smiled at him. “That sounds pretty damn good to me.”