Chapter 18
Ash
A s somebody who has known I was gay from a very young age and who came from a very supportive family who never made it seem like straightness was the default, I never had to deal with the grappling and coming to terms with my sexuality that a lot of queer folks do. I’m also aware of how privileged I am because of that.
Some people really fight it, some have a hard time accepting it.
Finn Moore is clearly some people.
It’s been two weeks since the mutual masturbation incident in my room, and neither of us has breathed a word about it since. From the outside looking in, it probably appears like everything is normal, that nothing out of the ordinary and sordid took place between the two of us. At first, it bothered me. It really got under my skin, the way he avoided me. I didn’t want to be the first one to broach the topic, because it’s not me who’s in a relationship, it’s not me who is figuring out—or avoiding—their sexuality. If we’re going to talk about what happened, it needs to come from him.
So, I waited.
And waited some more.
By the time mid-week rolled around, I knew he wasn’t just too busy to discuss it. He was flat out avoiding me. Finn is avoiding this bi-awakening of his and, at this point, I’m avoiding it too. Not just because I’m annoyed by his dismissal, but because it’s clear he’s struggling with it all. It’s not my place or my problem to walk him through coming out of the closet, so I’ve chosen to let it be. If he wants to pretend like it never happened, or like it doesn’t mean he’s any less straight since he didn’t touch me, that’s fine with me.
I need this job more than I need Finn to admit to himself that he’s a queer man. The entire situation is tricky. To be honest, I kind of feel bad for the guy. While I can’t relate to what he’s experiencing, I can empathize with him. He’s lived his entire life thinking he swung one way, only to realize later in life, that may not be the whole truth. I can imagine it’s gotta feel like kind of an identity crisis. And now that everything is said and done, I also am struggling with guilt.
Violet is my sister—my twin sister—and that’s her boyfriend, who she cares about. She’s the one who got me this job, and I repay her by goading her boyfriend into watching me masturbate. I think the hardest part for me is how I’ve always felt toward her for the way she always ended up guys that I liked.
I’m a hypocrite.
Worse than a hypocrite, actually, because I don’t think Violet ever dated those men maliciously. She may not have even known I liked them, and if she did, she probably assumed it wasn’t that serious. And while I don’t think I did what I did with Finn maliciously, per se, I definitely knew what I was doing. This isn’t just a crush to my sister. This is the man she’s in a relationship with, and while, yeah, I don’t think it’s as serious as she wishes it were, that doesn’t make what I did any better.
What I did was fucked up and low, and there’s no way to twist or downplay it. Violet doesn’t deserve what I did. And I can’t tell her. For one, it would break her heart. But also, it would out Finn, and I refuse to do that. I may think it’s silly that he’s denying this to himself and the world, but I would never, ever out somebody. That’s his story to tell, not mine.
It’s late Saturday afternoon, and I’m strolling back into the house after going for a run on the trail. It’s something I’ve taken to doing almost every single day lately. Yoga in the morning, and running on the trail later in the day, usually when Finn gets home from work. I keep hoping it’ll help clear my head and let me relax, but it doesn’t seem to be working. It does , however, help me avoid Finn as much as possible. By the time I get home, it’s usually time for dinner to get started, and Tucker is around, so it’s easy to avoid each other while still being in the same area.
Sauntering into the kitchen, I fill up a glass of water, guzzling it down in one go. It’s exceptionally warm out today, and I felt it during that run. Sweat drenches my shirt and drips down my forehead as I work to catch my breath. At this rate, I’m going to be in immaculate shape by the end of the season.
Thanks, Finn, I guess.
Speaking of the avoidant devil himself, Finn meanders into the kitchen, his steps faltering for a moment when he spots me, clearly not realizing I was in here. A quick glance out the window above the sink tells me Tucker is outside, playing with Bubba and the chickens, meaning we’re alone in here for the first time in two whole weeks.
Finn clears his throat, stuffing a hand in the pocket of his Wranglers, and I fight the urge to let my gaze drop and take in how fucking good he looks wearing them. They fit him like a glove; it’s kind of absurd. “I’m glad I caught you,” he mutters. “I wanted to see if you were free to watch Tucker tonight. I have to go out and take care of somethin’.”
“Yeah, that’s fine,” I answer immediately. There are much worse ways to spend my Saturday night than hanging out with Tucker, and besides, this’ll give us the chance to finish the movie he and I started yesterday afternoon.
“Are you sure?” Finn’s brow arches as he searches my face for…something. “I know it’s last minute.”
“I’ve got nothing going on.” I shrug. “But could I run and take a shower really quick before you go?”
His throat works as he swallows, then he nods. “Yeah, that’s fine. Thanks.”
The tension in the room is so thick you could slice it with a butter knife. It’s clear that even though we’re alone for the first time since the incident , and he’s finally not flat out avoiding me, we also aren’t going to be talking about what happened. Maybe I should be the bigger person and insist that we do, but again, I’m not the one struggling with my sexuality here.
Throwing him a salute as I walk past him toward the hallway, I mutter, “No problem, boss,” before disappearing into the bathroom. I’m sweaty as hell, and more than likely stink, after the long-ass run I went on. With Finn leaving, I’m sure I’ll have to start dinner for Tuck and me soon, and something about doing that with dried sweat clinging to my skin sounds about as appealing as plucking out my toenails one by one.
After standing underneath the scalding stream for entirely too long, I hop out, wrap a towel around my waist, and head to my bedroom. The sound of Finn’s voice drifts down the long hallway as I do, a shiver rolling down my spine as the gruff, deep tone hits my ears. Tucker must’ve come back inside. He’s been playing in the yard all day, covered in dirt, and I can’t help but smile. I don’t think I’ve ever heard that kid say he’s bored. He’s certainly got a blessed life here on the ranch. Between hanging out with his grandpa several times a week and all that we do together when his dad is working, he’s usually always tuckered out by the time bedtime rolls around.
Pun intended.
Chuckling to myself over my dumb joke, I make quick work of getting dressed before I toss my towel in the hamper, and head back into the main part of the house to let Finn know I’m finished. As soon as I make it down the hall and into the living room, my shoulders stiffen and my heart pounds harder.
“There you are,” my sister murmurs with a wide smile when she spots me. My gut twists as I drag my gaze from her to Finn, who’s standing with his shoulder against the wall and his arms crossed over his chest near the kitchen. His jaw is clenched, and he’s watching me with an unreadable expression. His stance sends the memory of him propped up in my room just like that two weeks ago, and I have to swallow against the bitter taste at the back of my throat when I realize his plans for going out include my sister.
Because, of fucking course, they do. She’s his girlfriend.
One late-night mutual jack off session doesn’t change that.
I glance back at my sister, forcing a smile that I know looks fake. “Oh, hey,” I reply dryly, my skin crawling from being in the same room as both of them.
Not bothering to wait for any sort of response from Violet, I brush past Finn into the kitchen, where I open the pantry and look inside, trying to ignore the way it feels knowing he’s about to take her on a date and pretend everything is hunky-dory while also figuring out what to make for dinner.
I’m failing miserably at both.
Footsteps reach my ears, and I don’t have to look back to know it’s Violet. It’s confirmed when she says, “Thanks for watching Tucker tonight so we can go out.” Her voice grates my nerves, and I’m too annoyed to even feel bad about that. And hearing her say Tucker’s name makes me want to scream. Mentioning him so casually, like she knows him at all. She doesn’t. But I do. “It’s been too long since the two of us have spent time together.”
Heaving a sigh, I grab two boxes of macaroni and cheese from the shelf, shutting the door. I turn back to face my sister and nod. “It’s no problem.”
Her face falls as her brows scrunch together. “Everything okay, Ash?”
“I’m fine,” I lie. “Just got back from a run. I’m a little tired and hungry.”
Breathing out a small chuckle, Violet asks, “Since when do you run? What happened to yoga?”
“He does both,” Finn says, stepping into the kitchen, gaze meeting mine. “Religiously.”
“Ugh, I admire your dedication,” Vi murmurs. She glances over at her boyfriend, and I can’t help but roll my eyes, even though I know Finn is still looking at me. “Should we get going, babe?”
His hardened gaze leaves mine as he nods. “Yeah, can you go start the truck for me, and I’ll be right out. I want to say bye to Tucker.”
Watching as he brushes her hand against his chest, I bite down on my molars so hard I’m surprised I don’t crack one. The rage boiling inside of me toward her is honestly taking me aback. Logically speaking, none of this is her fault, yet I want to rip her hand off of his chest, nonetheless.
“Sure thing, handsome,” she purrs before practically prancing out of the kitchen, and I can’t help the way my eyes roll again. Barf.
Ignoring Finn’s presence, I grab a pot from beneath the counter before filling it up with water and setting it on top of the stove. Sprinkling some salt and pouring a little oil in the water, I turn on the stove. I can feel his gaze on my back like a physical touch, but I refuse to look at him. It’s clear he has something to say, but fuck him, I don’t want to hear it. Too little, too fucking late, buddy. In the fridge, I pull out the gallon of milk and the pack of smoked sausage, wanting to cut it up and fry it for Tucker and me.
Finn sighs before finally saying something. “Ash.”
My name coming out of his mouth has the hairs on the back of my neck standing up. It sends a wave of goosebumps over my flesh, and I hate it. He jacks off with me, then goes on a fucking date with my sister? Has the fucking audacity to invite her over here, ask me to watch his kid while he takes her out, when I know for a fucking fact he doesn’t even like her that much. And her, she practically throws herself at him. Can’t she see that he doesn’t give a fuck? Like, where is her pride?
Pathetic, the both of them. Maybe they’re made for each other, after all.
“What?” I don’t bother looking over my shoulder at him. Instead, I get to slicing the sausage into little pieces.
“Listen, I know we haven’t talked?—”
I spin around and face him. “You’re right,” I spit out, cutting him off. “We haven’t talked because you’ve been a coward and avoided me, but it’s fine.” Huffing out a dry laugh, I say, “Have fun on your date.”
“It’s not like that,” he murmurs, and it only adds fuel to the fire.
“It’s none of my business.” Turning back around, I continue slicing the meat with a little more aggression, and as I hear him move to leave the kitchen, I add without looking at him, “Make sure you think about me tonight when you fuck her.”
His boots squeak against the floor as I stop him in his tracks. I can feel him staring at me, but I refuse to look, and a few moments later, I hear the door slam shut. It startles me, making me jump, but I finally let out the breath I’d been holding.
Good, he’s gone.
Fuck him.
Fuck her.
And most of all, fuck me for being such an idiot.