Chapter 19
Finn
V iolet’s droning on about something that happened at work yesterday, but gun to my head, I couldn’t recite a single word of it. My mind is so far from this restaurant, it’s not even funny. I was already dreading tonight, but that was made infinitely worse by the fit Ash threw when he came out of the shower and saw his sister there. I should’ve warned him, should’ve been honest with him about what my plans were when I asked him to babysit for me, but I didn’t know what to say.
Things haven’t exactly been smooth and easy around the house lately, and I know it’s my fault. After that night in his bedroom, I panicked. I sent myself straight into a spiral that I’m not entirely sure I’ve made my way out of yet, and it was easier to ignore it all than admit to myself how much I enjoyed it. Because if I admit that, then what does it mean for me? For everything I’ve known about myself up until this point?
In addition to avoiding being alone with Ash at all costs, despite how much I wanted to repeat what happened, I’ve also done my best to avoid Violet too. I knew from the minute I stepped foot into Ash’s bedroom that I needed to end it with Violet, but I’ve been putting it off. Ash is right, I’ve behaved like a coward. But if I’m being honest with myself, I’m afraid to break up with her. Not because I see a future with her, and not even because I know it’s going to hurt her feelings, but because I know that once I do, I’ll have nothing holding me back from fully exploring whatever this thing is with Ash.
I don’t know if I’m ready for that. I don’t think I’ve even come to terms with it all, but I can’t put off breaking up with her any longer. It’s not fair to her. I’m not the poster child for open communication—in fact, if the last two weeks have proven anything, it’s that I suck at it—but I’ve also never been somebody to string someone along either. I know how shitty that feels from firsthand experience.
My ex-wife stayed in our marriage and in town much longer than she wanted to, and I didn’t see that for what it was until she had already left, and when I realized it, it fucking hurt. So, I’m not about to do that to Violet.
She’s still rambling as my mind replays the snippy way Ash spoke to me before I left, and the disgust on his face when Violet touched me. It’s wrong of me, but I can’t help but find his jealousy hot.
“Are you listening to me?” Violet asks, pulling me from my ramped thoughts. A smile tugs on her lips as he glances over the table at me with her head tilted to the side.
I drag in a breath before blowing it out. I need to get this over with. “Listen, I don’t know how to start this, so I’m just going to say it.”
Her smile falls as she sits up straighter in her chair. “Is everything okay?”
“Violet, we’ve had fun,” I start, feeling severely uncomfortable having this conversation, and at a restaurant, to boot. I should’ve done this at the house, but then Ash would’ve been there, and I felt terrible doing it at her place. “I like and respect you so much as a person, and you’ve been nothing but great since we started dating.”
She’s smiling, but it looks more like a wince than anything. “Why do I feel like there’s a ‘but’ coming?”
Christ, this is awkward.
Deciding to just go for it, I say, “I think it would be best if we cut things off. I’ve got a lot on my plate, and I’m not in a place where a relationship makes sense. I know we got together because it was convenient for us both at the time since we’re both busy, but I just can’t anymore, and I hope you understand.”
I watch as she presses her lips together tightly and swallows.
“You want to break up?” she asks.
“Yes, I do. You deserve somebody who has time to give to you, even if it’s a casual relationship.”
Her face scrunches up, and she rears back like I slapped her. “You think we’re casual?”
“Uh, yes? You don’t?” My brows furrow as I take in her changing expression. She looks pissed.
“Finn, we’ve been dating exclusively for a few months now,” she states, her voice raising with each word. Her eyes narrow on me. “What part of that screams casual to you?”
Oh, boy. Did I read this entire situation wrong?
“Well, maybe the part where we only saw each other once a week,” I reply, keeping my voice low. “Or the part where neither of us met each other’s families?” This isn’t going the way I thought it would. In no way did I think she’d be happy about me ending things, but I didn’t expect this either. “Look, Vi, I’m sorry if you thought this was more than it was. My intention was never to lead you on or hurt you.”
It happens so fast, I don’t have any time to prepare or even anticipate it coming. In the blink of an eye, she throws her wine directly in my face, soaking my shirt and getting into my eyes and my mouth as she rises from her chair. “Fuck you, Finn,” she shouts, garnering the attention of everybody in the room. “You really need to take a good, long, hard look in the mirror if you truly believe we were casual. God, you’re a fucking prick.”
Before I have a chance to respond or try to calm her down, she’s storming across the room toward the exit.
“Shit,” I mutter under my breath as I quickly retrieve my wallet from my back pocket and toss some cash down onto the table before standing up to follow her. My shirt is clinging to my chest, and wine is dripping from my beard. People all around the restaurant are gawking at us. This is just fucking great. “Violet, will you wait?”
Throwing me a middle finger over her shoulder, she grits out, “Screw you, Finn!”
Making eye contact with the hostess as we pass the station, I mouth, “I’m so sorry,” before blowing through the front door.
Instead of walking through the parking lot toward where my pickup is parked, Violet makes it clear that she’s not interested in riding home together as he takes a sudden left on the sidewalk that leads to the main road.
“Jesus Christ, Violet,” I mutter, fishing my keys from my pocket. “Will you stop?”
She doesn’t, nor does she say a word as she marches down the sidewalk, with her shoulders back and her chin jutted out.
For fuck’s sake. Heaving a sigh, I find my truck and climb inside, starting it in a hurry before backing out of the spot and leaving the parking lot. Thankfully, the road in front of the restaurant isn’t a busy one, and I’m able to slow down and roll down the passenger window as I approach where she’s walking.
“Violet, can you just get in the car? You don’t need to walk home; I can drive you.”
“No.”
“You’re being ridiculous.”
Stopping in her tracks, she turns to face me, fury painting her features. “ I’m being ridiculous?” she repeats.
“Yes, I never meant for this to blow up. Let me at least drive you home.”
“I’m good, thanks,” she sneers before starting her walk again.
I pinch the bridge of my nose, following along beside her. “Violet, your house is a solid three miles from here, and you’re in heels. You and I both know your feet will be covered in blisters by the time you get home.”
That gets her to stop again. She doesn’t turn to face me again, but I can at least see her considering my offer. I may not want to date her anymore, but I’m not a total asshole. I can at least take her home.
“Goddamnit, Vi,” I curse, my blood pressure through the roof. “Get in the damn car already.”
With a huff, she does just that, refusing to look at me. “Fine, but this doesn’t mean you’re not a fucking dick, and this doesn’t mean I’m not mad at you. I’m only accepting your offer because I love these shoes, and walking that far would ruin them.”
Shaking my head, I turn on my blinker and veer into the lane again. “Fine,” I grumble, wanting nothing more than to drop her off and be done with this already.
Less than five minutes later, I’m pulling up in front of her house, and she gets out without saying a word, slamming my door as she leaves. I grit my teeth, annoyed that she’s taking it out on my fucking truck, but I don’t bother saying anything about it. Once I make sure she’s made it inside okay, I leave. The entire drive home, my mind isn’t on the messy and public breakup I just experienced. That would make too much sense. No, my mind is on my now ex-girlfriend’s brother. The man occupying part of my house and way more of my mind than I care to admit.
Not for the first—or second or third—time, my mind replays that night. The night when ignoring this gnawing feeling in the far back of my mind became impossible. I can vividly hear Ash’s grunts and moans and the filthy words he spoke as I sat in my room. Using the very toys I grilled him out earlier that night, no doubt doing it to fuck with me. To goad me. And fuck, did it work.
All rational thinking went out the window that night, from the minute I opened that box and realized what was inside. It was as if I had no control over my body. My limbs acted of their own accord as they carried me off my bed and to his door. Then again, when they walked me right into his bedroom.
I can remember the look on his face when his gaze met mine. It was part smug, part aroused. I nearly swallowed my own tongue as I took him in, sprawled out on the bed, completely naked. One hand jacking himself off, the other sliding that goddamn dildo into his ass. The sight of him, and knowing I shouldn’t be seeing him like that, hit me viscerally. I was already hard before I came into the room, from having to hear his moans, but seeing it was a whole different thing.
It made it real .
It made it impossible for me to continue to deny how I’ve been feeling because seeing Ash—a man—naked and sprawled out, fucking himself with a sex toy while masturbating, didn’t disgust me or make me want to turn away. It couldn’t have been more the opposite, actually. An urge I’ve never felt before overtook me, a need to go over there and do…something, gripped me like a vise. I knew without a shadow of a doubt if I got too close, I would touch him. It’s why I stayed by the door; it’s why I kept my arms folded.
Until I let them drop.
Until he begged me to touch myself.
The lust in his tone was thick like honey, his words a siren song that was impossible to ignore. And god, I’ve never wanted anything more than I wanted to make myself come to the sight of Ash pleasuring himself. Something carnal took over my body, something I didn’t recognize, and suddenly, doing exactly as he was begging me was all I could think about. I had a one-track mind for Ash and the way he was making me feel.
I’ve never been so out of control, and normally, that would agitate me. Normally, it wouldn’t have been okay. But I can’t deny how fucking good it felt giving in to the desire, no matter how much it confuses me, and I don’t just mean physically. It felt like a weight off my chest, like a breath of fresh air, letting myself do what I secretly wanted to do.
That night has frustrated me and made me come late at night in my bed more times than I can count over the last two weeks, and I don’t know what to do with that.
I don’t know what to do, but I know I can’t continue doing nothing any longer.
Ash is invading my mind, throwing off my nervous system, and I need to explore it. I need to figure out what this means. Otherwise, I’m certain I’m going to drive myself insane.
Knowing all of this, I’m still not prepared as I park in front of my house. I’m no more ready to go inside and face him.
But I have to.