Chapter 20
Finn
I t’s not even nine by the time I walk into the house, but Ash is nowhere to be found, which means he’s probably already in bed. A sense of disappointment washes over me at that realization, but I can’t say I’m surprised. With how we left things when I walked out the door earlier, I wouldn’t want to see me either.
After I check on Tucker and make sure the house is locked up, I head into my room, where I change into pajamas and brush my teeth, getting ready for bed. The morning will come way too soon, and even though it’s Sunday, I have a whole laundry list of chores and errands I need to get done. Maybe Ash has got it right, and an early night is for the best.
As I plug my phone into the charger and set it on the nightstand, I feel this inexplainable pull toward Ash’s room, but I don’t know why. He’s probably sleeping, so I couldn’t talk to him anyway. Plus, he likely doesn’t even want to talk to me, so going in there would be pointless. Despite knowing that, I can’t seem to shake the urge. It’s prickling at the back of my neck and gnawing at the front of my mind. It’s a restlessness that has me staring at my bed, and then the door.
I shouldn’t.
Maybe just a peek. For all I know, he’s awake and watching a show on his phone or something. If he’s awake, I can tell him I broke up with Violet. We can talk. I don’t know what I’m going to say, but I have to say something. I can’t continue to ignore the giant elephant in the room; it’s becoming suffocating. Not to mention, outside of whatever is happening between us, he’s still my son’s nanny. There can’t be unresolved tension between us; it’s not fair to Tucker.
So, we’ll…talk, I guess.
Feet shuffling across the carpeted floor, I quietly tug my door open and step into the hall. Ash’s door is right beside mine, which is convenient. I don’t have to worry about the hallway creaking and possibly waking up Tucker. He’s not typically a light sleeper, and his room is a ways down the hall, but still, I can’t be too careful.
Standing in front of his door, my heart in my throat, I’m reminded of the night two weeks ago when I stood in this exact same spot, with the same feeling clutching at my chest. It’s anticipation mixed with something much different. It’s jittery, like apprehension. I’m walking into the unknown with Ash, and I don’t do well with that. Being in control is preferred, and nothing about the feelings swirling inside of me leaves me with any semblance of control.
I drag in a deep breath, searching for even an ounce of confidence as I blow it out and turn the handle, opening the door to my nanny’s bedroom. The only light inside comes from the sliver of moonlight spilling in from where the curtains aren’t fully drawn. It illuminates his sleeping form almost perfectly, and as I shut the door behind me and pad across the floor toward his bed, I find myself mesmerized by him.
Now that I’m actively trying to be more honest with myself, I can finally admit how beautiful Ash is. Not in the same way I would describe Violet to be beautiful, or Tucker’s mom. He’s not feminine, not really, but he’s a different kind of beauty. Lying on his back, the covers are pulled up just past his waist, his chest bare. The silver bars decorating his nipples glint under the moonlight as his chest rises and falls with steady, even breaths. One hand rests on his stomach while the other is beside him on the bed, and his head is turned toward me. Sharp lines make up his slightly stubbly jaw and high cheeks that his thick, dark lashes are fanning, and his full, pink lips are parted.
He looks so peaceful.
I should leave. We can talk tomorrow.
But for some reason, my feet remain rooted in place. Something I can’t make sense of has me not wanting to leave, even knowing we can’t talk. There’s a part of me that wants to crawl in beside him and lay with him. Exist with him, without any of the confusion and the tension. Without expectation or questions that I don’t have the answer to.
I want to just be with Ash right now, and I can’t explain it. It’s not a feeling I’ve experienced before, except for with Tucker, but that’s different. That easily makes sense to me; he’s my son. Ash is… Hell, I don’t even know what he is anymore. My nanny, yes. My ex-girlfriend’s brother, of course. But all of the sudden, he feels like so much more.
He’s the person occupying more of my mind than I care to admit. The one who’s confusing me the most. The one making me question everything I thought I knew about myself. He makes me nervous, and I don’t do nervous. I’ve been around huge, angry, charging bulls my entire life, been stepped on by a thousand-pound heifer, been bucked off the back of a horse during a thunderstorm. Nothing really makes me nervous, but he does, and it’s as thrilling as it is nerve-wracking.
So, even though it doesn’t make sense, I climb onto Ash’s bed as gently as I can, lying in the spot beside him closest to the wall. My heart is pitter-pattering, and my mouth is dry, a lump clogging my throat that’s impossible to swallow against. As I pull the covers over me, Ash sighs and rolls onto his side, facing me. Eyes still closed and breathing even, I know he’s still asleep. Matching his position, I roll onto my side too, our faces a mere few inches apart, but when I do, the bed creaks, and I wince as Ash startles, his eyes flying open, bloodshot and wide.
He blinks a few times, but eventually, his sleepy gaze connects with mine, and it’s like it takes his mind a few more moments to catch up. “Finn?” he croaks, eyebrows pinched together as he lifts his head off the pillow and watches me. “What are you doing in here?”
I swallow thickly, not doing a damn thing to get rid of that lump, and I answer as honestly as I can. “I don’t know.”
He glances around the dark room before settling back on my face again. Confusion twists his features. “What time is it?”
“Little after nine.”
Glancing at him this closely, I can see when the sleep fog clears, and reality comes back to him, because his eyes harden. “What the fuck are you doing in here, Finn?” he asks again, harsher this time.
“I didn’t like how we left things earlier.”
“So you climb into my bed while I sleep?” he scoffs. “News flash, you’re in the wrong twin’s bed.”
His jealousy and anger shouldn’t turn me on, but it does. So much so that I move without giving it much thought, not letting me talk myself out of doing what I want. I know I said I would talk to him, and I will, but right here, right now, I want to let my body guide me. Want to act on pure instinct with Ash, do what feels right without second guessing and questioning it every step of the way.
“No, I’m not,” I breathe out, wrapping my palm around the back of his neck, and crashing my lips into his. Everything about this moment feels different than what I’m used to. The rough scratch from his stubble as it rubs against my own, the masculine smell of him as it invades my senses. It’s different, but not bad. At all.
As his lips part on a gasp, I use it to my advantage, letting my tongue sweep inside and roll against his. Exploring and tasting every corner of his mouth, I feel his body start to relax in my hold. Then he’s finally kissing me back. Hand coming up to cup my cheek, he fights me for control, his tongue sliding its way past my lips this time, flicking against the roof of my mouth, causing an involuntary moan to rush up my throat. It’s like we’re sparring, but with our mouths and tongues—me, wanting to say everything I can’t with words, and him spilling all his frustration out into this one kiss.
Holy shit.
My stomach flips and my entire body tingles as the kiss goes on. My cock twitches, and I can’t help but wonder if he’s as turned on as I am. The thought alone has a groan ripping from my throat.
Everything about this is messy and rough. Teeth clanking together, nipping at each other’s lips, but it doesn’t last. As if the rational part of his mind takes over, Ash shoves me back as he sits up, letting out a frustrated grunt.
“What the fuck was that, Finn?” he bites out, staring straight ahead with his arms resting on his raised knees.
I sit up too, trying to ignore the stiffy in my pants. Lately, it’s really picking inconvenient times to make an appearance; it’s like I’m a pubescent teenage boy all over again. “I’m sorry,” I murmur, my cheeks hot and my lips still slick and tingling. “I just…needed to do that.”
Clenching his jaw, he turns his head, meeting my gaze. “Why?”
“Because…” I blow out a breath and shake my head. “Because it’s all I’ve been able to think about.”
Ash’s lips part like he might say something, but then he clamps them shut, his jaw flexing. “Didn’t you get enough attention from my sister?”
There’s venom in his words, and I know I should tell him. Now would be the perfect opportunity, but my mind is a hazy mess, and all I can think of is having his lips on mine again. I still don’t understand it, but sitting here beside him in the dark, I’m too far gone to care. I’m sure come morning, I’ll question it all, but not now. So, instead I shake my head and drawl, “It’s not her bed that I’m in right now, is it?”
His eyes darken as they take me in, and then everything happens so fast. In the blink of an eye, his lips are on mine again, and we’re back where we left off a minute ago, kissing each other with fervor, like we need each other’s breath like we need air. Both of us lying down again, Ash rolls on top of me, the feeling of his hot, hard body pressed into mine like a balm. It’s a relief I’ve been searching for all night but didn’t know I needed.
Knees pressed into the mattress on either side of me, Ash grinds his hips into mine, and that’s when I feel it. His erection. My blood heats to impossible levels as I realize he’s hard…for me. That should make me panic, should make me want to run, but it doesn’t. My hands wrap around him, coming to his nice, plump ass, and as he continues to rock into me while our mouths devour one another, I knead the firm globes with my fingers, relishing the soft mewls coming from him.
“I don’t understand you,” he says in between kisses.
Smiling against his mouth, I admit, “Me neither.”
“You drive me fucking crazy.” His sharp teeth nip at my bottom lip, making me gasp before he continues. “You watch and come with me two weeks ago.” His tongue flicks against my teeth. “Pretend like it never happened.” Another kiss. “Then flaunt my fucking sister in front of me today, proving that night meant nothing.” Ash growls as he nibbles on my lip again, and I swear my blood is on fire inside my veins. “You’re such a fucking prick.”
“I know,” I say on an exhale, desperately wishing I was wearing less clothing.
“I can’t stand you,” he murmurs, then brings his hot, slick lips down to my jaw. He nips and sucks his way over to my neck, and goosebumps cover every inch of my body in response. I don’t think my cock has ever been harder. “Why the fuck are you in here, Finn? What do you want from me?”
The growl, the rasp to his tone, and the way he can’t seem to keep his lips off me has me unraveling. “I don’t know,” I grit out. “I want… I want you. I don’t fuckin’ understand it, Ash, but I want you .”
Ash sits back, and for a second, I think he’s going to put a stop to this. Kick me out of his room. And honestly? I wouldn’t fault him if he did. But he doesn’t.
“Sit up,” he says, and as soon as I do, his fingers find the hem of my shirt, and he lifts it over my head, letting the material fall to the ground beside the bed. His eyes drink in the newly exposed flesh before pressing a steady hand to my chest and shoving me back down.
Next, he crawls between my legs, hands coming to the waistband of my pajama pants. My heart leaps into my throat, making it hard to breathe as I watch him drag them down my thighs. My stiff cock juts out, slapping against my stomach as he works the material off each leg before tossing them to the side too.
There’s a tense, heady moment when neither of us says or does anything. I watch him while he takes in the sight of me naked in his bed. His jewel-toned eyes lift to meet mine, and a lick of fire races down my spine until my cock throbs. Holding my gaze, he works on removing his own pants until there’s nothing between us.
Skin to skin.
This isn’t the first time I’m seeing Ash naked, but it is the first time I’m fully allowing myself to drink him in and appreciate it all. It’s no surprise he has a nice, tight, fit body with how much yoga he does, and with the running too, but knowing it and seeing it are two very different things. Lean muscle, the faint outline of a six-pack, and the way his abdomen is mostly smooth, save for the dark trail under his navel that leads down to his thick, pierced cock.
I’ve never seen another man’s erect penis before Ash, at least not in person. I admitted to him that night that I’ve watched gay porn…something I’ve never admitted out loud to anybody. I always justified it as a natural curiosity, but now I’m realizing it was maybe more than that all along.
I was unsure how I’d feel seeing Ash naked; wasn’t sure if it would feel wrong, or weird, or make me uncomfortable. Maybe it wouldn’t turn me on as much as I thought it would. But like I realized that first night, that couldn’t be further from the truth. Every inch of my body is lit up with a desire and a hunger for him. Seeing his dick, the way he’s hard and leaking, even the piercing shoved through the head, all of it makes my mouth water and my blood heat. Even with not knowing what to do, I want to do something .
As if he can read my mind, his lip ticks up on one side before he rasps, “Touch it.”
I swallow against the nerves, but don’t move.
Thankfully, he must sense my hesitancy because he wraps his fingers around my wrist, bringing my hand to his swollen cock. “Grab it,” he instructs me gently. When I do, he lets out a throat- deep groan. “Good. Now, touch me like you’d touch yourself. It’s no different.”
It’s very different, but okay.
My cheeks and ears heat at how awkward my movements are, but I can’t deny how much this is turning me on. The weight of him in my palm, the velvety feel of him, how hard he is because of me. I slide my hand down to his base before rolling up to the tip. The metal from his piercing brushes up against the side of my thumb, and I allow myself a moment to play with it a little as I gather up his pooling arousal, spreading it around. Glancing up at him, his bottom lip is tucked between his teeth and his brows are pinched as he watches my hand on his dick.
Ash moans as I pump him in my hand again, a little surer this time. The sound is quiet, but it pierces through me, shooting straight to my balls, making them ache in a way that feels so damn good. I want to do whatever I can to pull more sounds like that out of him. He lets spit fall from his mouth, landing right on his shaft, and I spread it around with my hand, twisting my wrist as I stroke just to hear the delicious sounds that come from him.
“That feels good,” he whispers.
“Does it?”
He nods, a smirk forming as if he knows how unsure of myself I’m feeling. Another emotion I’m not used to. Sex with women has always been easy for me. I learned a long time ago how to please them. But this is all new, and I quickly realize how badly I want to do a good job. Not even for me, but for Ash. This role reversal is throwing me for a loop. Normally in the bedroom, it’s me in charge, it’s me giving the instruction, me reassuring them that what they’re doing feels good. This is opening a whole new level of vulnerability, but despite it all, I don’t hate it. In fact, I welcome it.
My dick throbs with how hard I am. I don’t think I’ve ever been this turned on.
After a few minutes, Ash leans over, opening the drawer to his nightstand. He pulls out a bottle of lube—the same one he was using that first night when he was fucking himself with the dildo. The sound of the lid opening echoes in the otherwise silent room, and it sends a chill through my body. Drizzling some onto his length, he spreads it around before doing the same to mine. I’m so keyed up that even the feeling of the cool liquid touching me makes me gasp.
“Somebody’s sensitive,” Ash murmurs, wrapping a firm hand around me as he spreads the lube around evenly. The feel of him is ethereal. Tossing the bottle to the side, he lines up our shafts, doing his best to wrap a hand around our combined girth, and then he leans down, pressing his lips to mine as he strokes us together.
A groan rips from my throat at feeling his hard, slick length slide against mine. The sensation is unlike anything I’ve experienced before, and it has my toes curling. His tongue brushes along mine, feeding me his desire as we quickly lose ourselves to the moment. Ash’s hips thrust into me as I rock upwards, trying to chase the feeling. The kiss quickly turns messy and heated, both of us grunting and moaning into each other’s mouths.
I plant my hands on his hips, helping him grind against me, with each swipe of his cock against mine, having me leaking and throbbing. Beads of sweat line my forehead and chest, and my heart beats erratically behind my ribs. This feels out of control in the best way, like I’m drunk and floating. I never want to come down. It’s too good.
“You like the feel of your fat cock rubbing against mine?” he breathes into my mouth before nipping my bottom lip and soothing it with a flick of his tongue.
“Yes,” I gasp.
“You gonna come with my hand around us? Gonna spill all over your stomach to the feel of my dick on yours?”
Groaning, I nod, the pleasure somehow amplifying. I’m close, too close, and I’m stuck between wanting to chase that high and wanting to make this last all night.
Ash brings his mouth down to the spot on my neck right below my ear, pressing his lips to my overheated skin. Then he drags my earlobe between his teeth before saying, “Started out the night with your girlfriend, and you’re ending it in her twin brother’s bed.” He chuckles darkly, sending a fresh wave of goosebumps along my flesh. “You’re naughty, daddy.”
A groan rumbles through my chest at that pet name. Nobody has ever called me daddy in bed, and it’s something I should find repulsive. But I don’t. Not even a little bit. Hearing that word fall from his lips, especially now as he’s working my cock over, has something feral filling me up to the brim.
“I want you to come for me, daddy,” he moans into my ear softly, his sultry, raspy voice igniting a fire inside of me, like match meeting gasoline, and my stomach tightens. “I want to feel you lose control, feel your cock throb for me. I want you to make a mess for me. Let go for me, daddy.”
“Fuck,” I hiss. Pressure builds low in my spine, heat pooling, my balls drawing up to my body, and I’m right fucking there.
“Please, daddy,” Ash begs, his voice needy. “Please come for me.”
And I do.
God, do I ever.
Turning my head, I bury my face in the crook of his neck as my release hits me like a tsunami. Wave after wave takes hold of my body as my muscles tense and shudder and my cock unloads. “Oh, fuck. Yes, Ash. Fuckkkk .”
As I’m coming, I feel his body stiffen on top of me, and then, letting out the sexiest, throatiest moan I’ve ever heard, he lets go too, his cum joining mine on my stomach as he rides out his own orgasm. Once it’s over, neither of us moves. Catching our breath, we remain entangled, and I’m enjoying it way more than I thought I would. I can feel how fast his heart is beating against my chest. It matches mine. And when he turns his head, I do too, our lips brushing in a kiss that’s tender and somehow infinitely more intimate than what we just did.
“I’ll grab us a towel,” he murmurs, rolling off me and sliding off the bed. Pulling one out of the hamper in the corner, Ash uses it to wipe himself off before tossing it to me.
His shoulders are stiff, and he won’t make eye contact with me. I don’t know if it’s because he regrets what just happened, or if maybe he thinks I do. Either way, I don’t like it. Hovering beside the bed, like he’s not sure if he should sit down or not, he finally lets out a sigh, lifting his gaze to meet mine.
“Finn.” He breathes out my name like it pains him to say.
I wrap my hand around his wrist and pull him onto the bed. “Not tonight,” I whisper. “We can talk tomorrow.”
Laying his head on the pillow, he faces me the same way he did when I first came in here, and I do the same. We gaze at each other for several long moments, neither of us saying a word. Eventually, we both move at the same time, like we can read each other’s minds. Ash scoots closer to me as I open my arms, bringing his body flush to mine. I roll onto my back, his head resting on my chest right above my heavily beating heart.
My mind is still a mess, no less confused than I was before, but at least now I’m being honest with myself and giving myself the space to figure it out. Whatever that may be. For tonight, though, I’m going to allow myself the grace to find comfort in Ash’s body against mine because, no matter how confusing it may be, it also feels right.
That has to mean something.