Chapter 35
Ash
P eeling my eyes open and squinting against the sun pouring into the room, I quickly realize I’m alone. I can hear Tucker somewhere in the house as I strain my ears. If I had to guess, I’d say he’s in the kitchen with his dad, probably helping him make breakfast. I sit up, stretching my arms above my head as a yawn pulls out of me. The clock on the nightstand beside Finn’s side of the bed tells me it’s almost nine o’clock, meaning I’ve slept way later than I usually do.
Finn’s side of the bed… A smile tugs on my lips as I work my fingers through my sleep tousled hair while I think back, wondering when this bed went from Finn’s bed to a bed with his side and my side. Coming in here and curling up beside him each night seems so natural now, while the idea of sleeping alone in my room feels wrong.
It’s been eight days since everything went down with my sister, and Finn has been everything I didn’t know I needed. Since that night when he brought me home, washed me in the shower, and rubbed my back while I fell asleep, things between us have shifted. Sure, before the day of the barbecue, we told each other how we felt, and he made it very clear that I was his , but it’s more than that now. He takes care of me, holds me at night while we relax in the living room, rubs my back. He and Tucker got home from the grocery store yesterday afternoon, and they thought to pick up my favorite tea and cookies. Although, Finn made sure I knew that it was Tucker’s idea, which nearly made me cry.
We haven’t had sex since that night. Not because I don’t want to, but because I’ve just been in a weird place. Violet still won’t talk to me, and I’m trying my best to figure out what to do next. I’m also trying my hardest to not feel guilty. There’s a little voice in my head that says I should’ve ended things immediately with Finn, should’ve walked away and fixed things with my sister. But the thing is… I don’t want to end things. Even knowing she’s upset or mad, I can’t bring myself to walk away from him because he makes me feel things I’ve only ever dreamed about.
Wanted. Secure. Chosen.
And I shouldn’t have to pick. It shouldn’t be him or her. Yes, the timing was shitty, and I should’ve been more upfront with Violet from the beginning, so she didn’t have to find out the way that she did, but the fact of the matter is, they were never going to be end game. And I think if Violet would stop and be honest with herself for a minute, she’d realize it’s probably her ego that’s bruised more than her feelings hurt over their breakup. She’s not used to being dumped.
Do I wish that Finn wasn’t my sister’s ex-boyfriend? Of course. This situation is tricky and messy, but that doesn’t change how I feel about him. It doesn’t change how he feels about me. Or how good we are together. After sitting with all of this for eight days, frankly, I’m angrier than I was that night. Angry that she’s blowing me off, angry with myself that I’ve kept these feelings and this resentment inside me over the years. And I’m done stewing in my anger, done letting her ignore me. We’re supposed to be family. I’ve given her enough space, but today, the silence stops. Today, we’re hashing this out, whether she likes it or not.
With that decided, I climb out of bed and join Finn and Tucker in the kitchen. Just as I thought, they’re fixing breakfast. The three of us eat together on the back deck, and once we’re finished, I help Finn clean up before getting dressed and heading out. My palms sweat so badly, I’m surprised I’m able to properly grip the steering wheel. During the drive, I rehearse what I’m going to say once I get to Violet’s, even though I know it’s futile. Chances are, I’ll walk inside and forget everything. I park outside her place, my stomach in knots as I step up to her door.
There’s a part of me that worries she won’t answer, but thankfully, that’s not the case. Although, based on the scowl she’s wearing when she sees me, I’m not so sure if thankfully is the right word choice. Violet presses her hip to the doorjamb, folding her arms over her chest.
“What are you doing here?” Her tone isn’t rude, but the question hurts all the same.
Releasing a steadying breath, I say, “We need to talk, Vi.”
“Pretty sure I’ve made it quite clear that I don’t want to talk to you.”
“Yeah, well, too bad,” I huff as I shove past her, into the house.
“Sure, come on in,” Violet mutters under her breath before closing the door.
Walking into the living room, I hate how awkward it feels to be here. Do I sit? Stand? Apologize? Of course, I want to apologize because I am sorry for how she found out…but I’m not sorry for how I feel about Finn. God, this fucking sucks. For years, I’ve been on the other end of this situation. Maybe it’s from years of experience and time to perfect pushing all my feelings down, but I can’t help but notice how much easier it was to be on the other side. Having her stand in front of me, with clear disdain plastered on her face, I don’t know what to do or say.
Violet blows out a breath, crossing her arms across herself again. “Well, are you just going to stand there?”
“I don’t know what to say to you,” I admit, my arms feeling clunky and awkward hanging at my sides.
“You’re the one who came here, Ash. But unless you’re here to tell me you ended things with Finn, I’m not sure there’s anything to talk about.”
My stomach twists. “Can you hear me out about this before you start saying stuff like that? Please?”
Plopping down on the couch, she crosses her leg over the other, staring over at me with a bored expression, like she’d rather be doing anything other than talking to me. “I’m listening.”
I decide that sitting down might feel less uncomfortable than standing, especially now that she is, so I cross the living room and drop onto the chair beside the couch.
Nope. Not any less awkward. Whatever. This entire interaction is probably going to have my nerves on edge; I need to get over it. This is Violet…my twin sister, the person I literally shared a womb with. I can do this. I can both apologize and be firm with what I want.
I take a couple of deep breaths, my heart clear in my throat.
I can do this.
“First, I’d like to say I’m sorry,” I start with, voice cracking from how nervous I am. “You never should’ve found out the way that you did. You should’ve heard it from me.”
“Ash, you were making out with my boyfriend,” she mutters. “There never should’ve been anything I needed to find out in the first place!”
“Okay, well, he’s not your boyfriend, and he wasn’t when things started.” I clasp my hands together in my lap to keep them from trembling.
Violet’s eyebrows furrow as her eyes narrow on me. “You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me. That’s what you have to say?”
“That’s not only what I want to say, but yeah, Vi. Finn is not your boyfriend, and it’s weird that you keep referring to him as such. You and I both know he broke up with you; I sat right here when you told me.”
As soon as the words leave my mouth, I wish I’d never said them.
Laughing dryly, Violet shakes her head. “Yeah, you were, Ash. I called you over here to tell you about my breakup because I was upset”— she spews the last part out like it’s venom—“and you probably couldn’t wait to get home and sweep up my leftovers, could you?”
Her words cut, and I can’t help the way I wince as she delivers them.
“Violet, that’s not fair.”
Scoffing, she says, “You wanna know what’s not fair? Finding out my own brother took what was mine!”
“What was yours?” I parrot, my pulse racing. “Finn isn’t property, Violet! He’s a person, with feelings, and you had no fucking right to out him in front of everybody the way you did, if we really want to talk about what’s fair.”
My blood boils as I watch her roll her eyes. “God, grow up, Ash. I didn’t out him.”
“Yes, you fucking did!” I jump to my feet, every ounce of hurt, anger, and frustration I’ve felt all week flooding to the surface. “That wasn’t your secret to tell. I know you may not understand because I’ve been out for a long time, but you can’t do that to people, Violet. Finn should’ve been able to tell his family, and other people, when he was ready. You took that right from him, and it’s not okay.”
Violet stands, matching my stance. “Okay, back up.” Holding up her hand, she says, “I thought you came here to apologize, and now you’re yelling at me? ”
“Because what you did wasn’t okay! At all!” I don’t bother to keep my voice down. “Don’t you understand that? What if his family wasn’t okay with it? Or what if there was some violent homophobic prick standing around? I know this might be hard to understand in your little self-absorbed mind, Violet, but not everything has to do with you. You being upset about finding out about Finn and I is completely valid, but outing somebody is not, and you act like it’s no big deal. Open your fucking eyes, would you?”
“How was I supposed to know he hadn’t told his family?” She throws her arms up in the air, and irritation lances through me.
“Exactly!” I bite out. “You didn’t know, so you should’ve kept your fucking mouth shut!”
Rolling her eyes once again, she says, “Whatever, Ash. This is stupid. Did you end things with him or not?”
I scoff, face twisting up. “No.”
“Why. Not?”
“Because I’m not going to!” My pulse is wild, the vein in the side of my neck throbbing. Hands clenching and unclenching at my sides, I try to focus on my breathing so I can calm down. Nothing good is going to come from this if we continue to scream at each other. “Violet, I know you don’t want to hear this, but I have feelings for him. I care about Finn a lot, and I’m not willing to walk away from that. Not when this is the first time I’ve felt like this.”
Her jaw flexes as she bites down on her molars, lips pressed into a thin, tight line. “He’s your fucking boss, Ash. My relationship with him aside, since clearly that’s?—”
“You don’t have a relationship with him,” I cut her off through gritted teeth.
Her eyes flash with annoyance. “ As I was saying ,” she snaps. “Taking me out of the picture, since clearly you don’t give a damn about my feelings, he’s still your boss. You can’t honestly think it’s okay to sleep with your boss. Surely, you can’t be that desperate for attention.”
“You know what? Fuck you, Violet.”
Her lips part as her eyebrows slide up her forehead, but I don’t stop there.
“Fuck you for being so goddamn self-centered that you can never see what’s right in front of your face. Fuck you for being so blase about outing somebody before they were ready. And mostly fuck you for implying that I’m desperate for attention. You’ve got no fucking clue what you’re talking about.”
“Would you fucking shut up about me outing Finn!” she barks. “Like, we fucking get it! Nothing even happened, so drop it!”
“You’re a horrible human being if you truly don’t see the issue.”
Fingers raking through her hair, she groans. “Ash, be so for real right now. You are sleeping with my ex-boyfriend, and you have the nerve to call me a horrible person? Why don’t you take a look in the fucking mirror.”
“Oh, my fuck,” I mutter, pinching the bridge of my nose. She’s quite literally not hearing anything I’m saying. “You know, now I’m seeing why I kept my feelings from you for so long. This. The way you deflect everything.”
Brows pinched, Violet pops her hip out and crosses her arms. “What are you talking about? What feelings have you kept from me?”
I blow out a frustrated sigh. “Forget it. It’s not like you’d listen anyway.”
“No, Ash,” she barks. “You already kept this little fucking…tryst, or whatever the hell is going on with you and Finn, from me. You’re saying there’s other stuff you’ve kept from me too? That’s great, Ash. Real fucking great. May as well come clean. We’re already here.”
For a long moment, I consider not saying anything. Consider walking out and going home, because I already know anything I say won’t touch her. But then I remember how heavy this has been, weighing on my chest, and whether she knew how I felt, I still don’t deserve to carry it around forever. I came here to lay it all out for her, so that’s exactly what I’m going to do.
Even if it changes nothing.
My heart is pounding, stomach in knots as I exhale all the air from my lungs before they inflate all over again. I can do this . Not knowing what else to do, I sit back down, elbows propped on my knees. “Do you have any idea how hard it was for me growing up?” I ask. “Do you have any idea how many guys I liked who went after you instead? Or how hard it was to watch you prance around with them, over and over and over again?”
“What the hell are you talking about? What guys?”
“Violet, I could name off several. It was like every time I got close to a guy and started to have a crush on him, he would suddenly go after you, and you ate up the attention every time.”
“What guys! Give me fucking examples, Ash, because I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
I heave a sigh, regretting saying anything at all. Holding up my hand, I count on my fingers as I say, “There was Ethan, the guy who lived down two blocks up from us. I hung out with him every day the summer he moved in, then you dated him. Then there was Mike and Jazz during our sophomore year. And can’t forget Sam. I know you remember Sam.”
She rolls her eyes. “You never told me you liked any of those guys,” she mutters. “How the hell was I supposed to know? Did I need to run every potential boyfriend by you to make sure you didn’t already have dibs on him? That’s ridiculous, Ash, and you know it.”
“You know, I said the same thing for so many years. I didn’t tell you, so how would you know? And I believe you, that you didn’t know about the majority of them, but the longer I’ve sat with this, the more I believe there’s no way you didn’t know I had feelings for Sam. Even if I never outright told you, there’s no way you didn’t see it. He was all I talked about, every free moment I had was spent with him.”
Violet watches me for a moment, jaw tight, saying nothing. The air around us is tense, the silence deafening. I’m positive she can hear how hard my heart is pounding; it feels like it’s about to break through my ribs. Then her eyes narrow, and I know whatever she’s about to say isn’t going to be good.
“So, what? You fucked my boyfriend as payback for something you never told me about? Is that what this is? Your pathetic attempt at getting me back?”
“ He’s not your fucking boyfriend, Violet! Oh my gosh, talking with a brick wall would be more productive than talking to you. Jesus Christ!” Fisting the hair atop my head, I tug on the strands, any remaining patience I had withering away. “And no, me dating Finn is not payback. What the fuck? In fact, my relationship with Finn has nothing to do with you.”
“Then why’d you do it?” she snaps. “Why him?”
“Because that’s just how it happened, Violet!” Throwing my hands in the air, I say, “It wasn’t on purpose or malicious. It wasn’t done as a jab to you. I really fucking care about him, and he cares about me. I know that’s not what you want to hear, but it’s as simple as that. I’m sorry you had to find out how you did, and I’m sorry if that hurt you, but I hope you can find it in your heart to accept this one day. You’re my sister, Vi, and the last thing I want is friction between us, but I’m not walking away from Finn and Tucker. I won’t.”
“So, if I say you need to pick him or me?”
“I’m not choosing, Violet, and it would be screwed up for you to even ask. I respect what little history you have with Finn, but I wish for a second, you’d set your pride to the side and admit what you two shared wasn’t deep. It was surface level, at best. I saw it the minute I watched you two together when I got into town.”
“Who the hell do you think you are, telling me about my relationship? You barely saw Finn and I together, and now you think you’re educated enough to make assumptions?”
Shaking my head, I stand up. “I’m not doing this with you, Vi. We’d be here all day, spinning in circles if it were up to you. I came here to tell you how I feel, apologize for you finding out the way you did, and to ask that you please try to find a way to move past this. You’re my sister; I love you more than I can put into words, but don’t make me choose. Don’t make me pick, because you won’t like the answer.”
She scoffs, gawking at me as I turn to walk toward the door. “You can’t be serious, Ash.”
Hand on the knob, I don’t look back at her as I say, “I hope we can get past this, Vi. I really do.”
With my throat thick with emotion, I walk outside, closing the door behind me. At some point after I got here, it started pouring. Honestly, it feels fitting because as I pull onto the main road, windshield wipers on full blast, moisture spills over, falling hot down my cheeks, much like the rain droplets cascading from the gray sky.