12. Beau
12
Beau
I lost her before I ever had her. It’s been four days and I haven’t heard a word from Tess. I can’t figure out how it happened so fast. When I told her she was my dream, I wasn’t lying. Yeah, it was stupid and I should have known not to be so transparent, but I thought we were getting somewhere. She was so sincere when she asked me what I wanted. And if we hadn’t had anything more than that moment, it would have been enough for me. In a dusky, small-town bar, sweaty from dancing and the anticipation of getting to kiss her again. It’s truly all I’ve ever wanted.
But apparently I read the moment wrong. Fuck. I should have waited before spilling my guts. I know this. I know Tessa. Handing my heart to her is useless unless the idea is hers first. She has to be the one in control. She has to convince herself of the rightness of the choice before giving in. She’s so goddamn hard-headed. I knew all this and still jumped in feet first.
I realize my mistake all at once, but it doesn’t help me now. That and Anna showing up are the two worst things that could have happened. I should have known she was looking to start trouble. Just the way she sauntered over to me should have tipped me off.
Anna and I have a history. Not a particularly good one, but I guess that doesn’t matter. In high school, we tried our hand at dating, but I was still so wrapped up in Tessa that I didn’t care enough about Anna to make it work. A couple times in college when I was home for a break, we got a little too comfortable drunk dialing at 2 am. But I was honest with Tessa when I told her we hadn’t been a thing for a while. I let Anna know the last time she texted that I wasn’t interested in continuing to fuck around. I knew she was pissed off, but I was tired of being used, and using her when I was bored. We ended things way before Tessa came home.
I still should have known my past would come back to haunt me. All the things I should have known are the ones that buried me. Maybe I was naive to think my past wouldn't affect my future with Tessa, but I certainly didn’t think it would cost me this much. Just a few hours earlier, I’d been doing what I’ve only dreamed about for so long. My mouth all over her, her body pinned beneath me. The softness of her everywhere. I’ve fantasized about what I'd do to her if I ever got her alone so many times, but my imagination didn’t even come close to the real thing.
The noises she’d made. The way she’d arched into my touch. And I hadn’t even tasted her yet. God, it’s still painful to think about how much I wanted to be inside her. If my mom hadn’t come home, I would have been.
Maybe it’s better that we’d been interrupted. If I’d had sex with Tessa and then everything at The Stampede had happened, I know it would have hurt a lot more. There was so much more I could have said if she would have fought a little harder. I know she wanted to rail and rage at me, I just don’t know why she stopped herself. Why hold all that fire in? Why act like she didn’t care?
“We’re nothing,” she said.
We’re nothing.
We’re nothing . Until that’s all I’ve heard inside my head for the last few days. Those two words haunt me on a loop, a reminder that I had everything I’d ever wanted for the briefest second.
We had a great time at the bar. We laughed and talked and danced like a real couple until I believed that if I asked her out, she might have said yes. Anna found the perfect opportunity to throw a wrench into my plans, but it’s almost as if Tess came back from the bathroom a different person. The change in her demeanor has to be more than just my moment of over-sharing. If she’d just talk to me. I’ve texted her a few times, but being left on read fucking sucks.
Sunday service is droning on and on this morning. And it’s fucking hot in here. I pull at the neck of my collared shirt, but the heat or this tie is going to strangle me. I’m not sure which it’ll be, but I hope something takes me out soon. Reverend Harris is on a roll and he doesn’t look to be slowing down.
My eyes wander, as they have every few minutes, to the back of Tessa’s dark head. Can she feel my eyes on her? As if I’ve willed it, her head turns slowly towards the stained-glass windows. Her hair is pulled up in a clip and I get the perfect view of her graceful neck in the morning light. A few pieces have fallen in the heat and I’d like to brush them away just to see her shiver. Right before she turns back to the sermon, her eyes flit around like she’s looking for someone in particular. Oh yeah. She can feel it.
Usually our families sit on the same row, but today, she and Peyton are a few pews ahead of where I sit with our parents. She’s avoiding me. I should be used to it, but at this point, it pissed me all the way off. I haven’t thought about anything but that night at The Stampede for the last week and a half and I’m done agonizing over it. I’m going to confront her today. She’s going to talk to me and get everything out in the open. I’ve spent too many years pining for her. Even I can see how pathetic that is if it goes on for much longer.
I don’t have any grand illusions that Tessa’s going to take my ultimatum well. Deep down, I know it’s going to be a shit show. No one’s ever made that girl do something she didn’t want to do, but I’m past caring. I have to know for certain whether she’s in or out. If she wasn’t so goddamn stubborn, we could be great together. We could be spectacular if only she’d give us the chance. I’ve wracked my brain for every reason she could have for saying no and I keep coming up short. What is she so afraid of?
I sit in uncomfortable, humid silence for the rest of the service, not hearing a word of whatever the reverend is preaching. When he finally closes his Bible and the choir stands to sing behind him, I wish I could feel relieved. There’s only a gnawing sense of dread.
Everyone files out of the sanctuary to shake the reverend’s hand at the door. Here we go. I cut the line, not waiting for all the little old ladies to ooh and aah over the sermon. Squinting in the bright sunshine, I wander over to my friends and wait for Tessa to come out.
“What’s up, man?” Nathan bumps my elbow as I join their circle.
On my right, Connor asks, “So how’s it going with Tessa?” I give him a look that says don’t ask and he shakes his head, chuckling.
Connor, along with Jesse and Nathan, have been my best friends since fifth grade. They’re familiar with Tessa’s and my history and had to listen to me whine about her for over an hour the other day. I got the distinct impression that the next time I bring her up, they’re going to stage an intervention.
“Cut him some slack. Have you seen what Tessa looks like since coming back from UGA? Shit. I wouldn’t leave her alone either,” Jesse says, needling me in just the right way.
I know he’s teasing, but I’m not in the mood. I put my hands in my pockets to keep my balled fists from swinging on him. “I swear to God,” I mutter, turning my eyes skyward.
“I’m just saying. I don’t know what she did, but damn, those four years were good to her.”
“Dude, I’d chill if I were you,” Connor, the most serious, warns.
“You haven’t heard from her at all?” Nathan asks beside me.
“Nope, and I’m not likely to if she hasn’t tried by now.”
“Have you thought about maybe going to her? You know how she is.”
“And say what?” I snap. “I’ve already apologized for Anna and it didn’t matter. Do I have to apologize for everything?”
Connor rolls his eyes. “I mean, yeah. If you want her back.”
Sighing, I tell them, “I know. I’m gonna talk to her today, but I doubt it’s going to go well.”
“There’s no time like the present.” Nathan inclines his head and we all look to see Peyton and Tess standing at the top of the church steps talking to another girl.
Connor playfully punches my arm. “Good luck, man.”
I turn to walk away and hear Jesse whisper loudly, “He doesn’t need luck. He needs a miracle.” Sounds about right.
When I reach Peyton, Tess is nowhere to be seen. Jesus, can she not stay put for one second? I don’t care that I’m interrupting my sister’s conversation when I put a hand on her shoulder. “Where did she go?”
“Who?” Peyton asks, trying to hide a smile. I shoot her an annoyed look and she waves a hand. “She said she forgot her bag inside.”
“Thanks,” I tell her, walking back inside the vestibule.
“You better be back in time for Sunday dinner!” She calls after me.
That all depends on how this goes.
She’s not in the sanctuary, not in the loft, and not in any of the Sunday School rooms in the back. I’ve given up when I walk by the church offices and catch a glimpse of something yellow. Her skirt this morning had yellow and pink flowers. When I take a few steps backward, I see her standing in front of the receptionist’s desk. Her back is to me, but her head darts around like she heard a noise. She’s nervous . I move so she won’t see me. Something tells me she doesn’t want to be caught.
I hear paper rustling and chance a look into the room again. The door to the reverend’s office in front of her is closed and there’s no one else around, so why is she here? When she moves to the side, I can see her fiddling with something on the desk. Quickly, she shoves something into the pocket of her skirt like she’s going to lose her nerve.
She moves around the room to look out the window, and when I see the brass plates sitting on the desk, it hits me. Tess didn’t just pocket anything, she stole from the church offering. What the hell? I watch, confused, as she turns and gets ready to walk out. But she can’t get through the doorway, because I’m standing in the center of it.
Surprise flits across her lovely face before she frowns and I cross my arms, leaning on the jam.
“Whatcha doing?” I ask, motioning behind her with my chin.
“I forgot my Bible bag so I came back to get it.”
“In here?”
“Yes,” she says defiantly.
“Then where is it?”
She narrows her eyes at me. “I don’t know. I couldn’t find it.” A lie. She puts her hands on her hips. “What are you doing here?”
“Nice subject change, but I’ll allow it. Looking for you.”
“Well, now you’ve found me. Good for you. You’re slinking around the church looking for me when you could have just called.”
This little brat. I step into the room because she’s goaded me into it. Tess backs up and sits on the desk when the backs of her thighs hit the wood. I crowd her, not caring if she’s uncomfortable. I came here for a conversation and I’m going to have one.
“Did you want me to call you? I never know with you.” My voice comes out as angry as I feel and her eyes widen. “I thought we had a good enough time that a little thing like Anna wouldn’t ruin us, but I guess I was wrong. What’s your problem anyway? What is it about me that you can’t get over? I need to know because I’m going in circles here and I’m sick of it.”
“Doesn’t it bother you?” she snaps. The fire I love so much flickers in her eyes and my anger feeds on it.
“Does what bother me?”
“That I’ve been picked out for you. That everyone, including my parents and yours, force the idea of us together, like some pretty picture of fate.”
“Bother me? Why would that bother me? I think being with you would be nice if you weren’t so goddamn stubborn.”
She rolls her eyes. “Beau, what about me and you has ever been nice? A few kisses? That’s not going to last.”
I let out a heavy breath. I’ve been in this same position enough times to know she’s itching for a fight. And because I know me, I can’t help but give her one. “I don’t know, Tess. It’s not a shitty plan because someone thought of it first.”
“They didn’t just think of it first. The whole town’s been planning our wedding since we were babies. How were we supposed to grow up in that shadow? How were we ever supposed to have a crush or a first date? I never felt like I could do any of those things, have those normal teenage experiences, because everyone I knew was disappointed it wasn’t you.”
I’m taken aback. I didn’t know she felt that way. I didn’t think other people’s opinions mattered to her. She’s always seemed so strong. But it doesn’t change anything.
“That isn’t my fault,” I say softly, though there’s a sharp edge to it.
“What?”
“I said, it’s not my fault you didn’t get to do those things. I wasn’t the one stopping you. I’ve been trailing you all these years because I like you, Tess, and you’ve never given me the time of day.” I don’t know when I started pacing, but I stop to face her. “Is that why? You’re mad that people want us to be together?” I laugh bitterly. “I thought all this time you hated me for something I’d done.”
“I don’t hate you.” She looks away ashamedly. “I don’t hate you at all. I just don’t know why it doesn’t bother you when people expect us to be a thing. You have your own thoughts, you’ve never cared what people think. Why do you blindly go along with what they expect? Is it easier?”
“Easier?” I almost shout. “If I was going for easy, I certainly wouldn’t have picked you. Nothing about you is easy!” I release a frustrated groan and resume pacing. “I don’t just follow along. Is that what you think? That I don’t know my own mind?” I shake my head at the futility of this whole argument. If this is what she thinks of me, why do I even try? “Jesus, Tess, you don’t know me at all.”
Feebly, she says, “I was trying to.”
“You weren’t trying,” I say desperately and she goes still. “I came here to figure out what this is once and for all.” I motion between us. “And I find you stealing the fucking church offering? But you just ignored that little detail and picked a fight with me instead. I don’t know why I thought it would be any different. I don’t know why I got my hopes up. You think you’ve been trying because you’re letting me be around you for more than five minutes? While you’ve been figuring all your shit out, what this is or isn’t, I’ve been waiting.” I point at my chest, anger busting at the seams. “Waiting for you to see how much I want you. Trying not to piss you off so you don’t run. And you think it’s because I’m too stupid to make my own choices? That’s rich.”
I sigh, exhausted all of a sudden. It’s over. It never really started. I just needed to accept it and now I’d rather be anywhere but here.
“I hope you figure out what you’re looking for, Tess. I really do.” My feet move towards the door on their own and I’m thankful for it because I don’t know that my heart has caught up. “At least put the money back before you leave.”