23. Tessa
23
Tessa
Two Months Later
W e were so pleased with your application that Freestone Publications would like to offer you a position as an editorial assistant.
I've replayed that sentence until it’s burned into my brain and I still can’t decide if it's going to be the best or the worst thing to ever happen to me. I spent the entire afternoon alternating between daydreaming about how great this change would be and making myself sick worrying whether or not I’d take it.
Around the store, everything has gone on just as it has for the past few months. I’ve managed the other employees, put in the weekly orders and walked around on auto-pilot because all I can think about is the email I received this morning. I checked absently when I woke up and there it was. Just sitting in my inbox like it wasn’t about to change my entire life.
Editorial assistant is about as entry-level as it gets, but I couldn’t care less about how low I’ll rank in the office. My foot’s in the door. Hell, my whole body is in the door, they offered me a job!
Freestone Publications is the job I wanted most of all. The only one I’ve found offering more than just a place in payroll, though secretly, I would have taken that too if I'd grown desperate enough. When I applied after Beau and I visited Shep in September, there was a brief phone interview where they seemed genuinely interested in the large following on my Instagram, but then nothing. I’d long since given up on them and tried my best to put it out of my mind. But here we are, after weeks of silence with an email detailing the particulars of the job and instructions on when to start.
Freestone helps independent authors get a start. In the interview, they were familiar with my Instagram account and seemed excited at the possibility that I could help with their mission. It seemed to be a sign that this was where I was meant to be. On the phone, they weren’t cold and corporate. Kylie, the woman I spoke with, talked about a few of the pieces they were working on and it felt like the same types of things I would read. Like I could be picking up my next favorite book each time something landed on my desk. Freestone was everything I didn’t know I was looking for.
As excited as I am, a shiver of panic runs through me every time I think of bringing it up. I haven’t told my parents I was even looking for a job unless you count the conversation I butchered in my dad’s office. Thankfully, I doubt he was even listening enough to remember it. I still haven’t told Beau. I haven’t told anyone, except Shep, so there’s no one to blame for the mess I’m in.
Beau has been my constant distraction and unexpected discovery this summer. I’m not sure how many more times I can take writing something off this year just for it to come back around and bite me in the ass. The whiplash has me completely thrown.
If I’m being fully honest, I had written off the possibility of a new career. It seemed like it was never going to happen. Houston was too far away. I knew too little about the industry. They would never hire anyone as green as me. Every day, another critical thought. I gave myself reason after reason for not getting an email from any of the places I applied so I wouldn’t have to be disappointed when nothing came.
Maybe I wanted to be distracted by Beau, so it would hurt less if a career didn’t happen for me. So it would give me a reason to stay in Pelahatchie since I was going to be stuck here anyway. So I wouldn’t look like I had failed if I chose not to leave because of him . Because of what I was feeling for him. People would understand that. But me wanting something more for myself than this town can provide? That, they would never understand. They’re too backwards.
I need to talk to my best friend.
When I get home, Peyton’s car is already in my driveway. I texted her before I left and asked her to come over. She must have sensed the urgency in my tone for her to come this quickly.
I race up the stairs and find her sitting on my window seat looking out at the fields behind our house. The air finally has a chill to it and she’s shut the window I usually leave open. After sweating through the entire summer, I’m glad Pelahatchie has finally cooled off, but it leaves me wondering.
“What’s the weather like in Texas, you think?”
She makes an odd face. “That’s what you dragged me here to ask? I thought it was something serious.”
“It is serious,” I tell her, taking the opposite side of the bench and leaning back against the wall.
Peyton purses her lips, thinking. “Shep’s always said it’s like here, but drier.”
“Then I guess it won’t be hard to pack.”
“Pack for what?” She tilts her head when she looks at me and then her eyes widen with sudden realization. “Did you get an offer? You did, didn’t you?” I smile and she squeals, diving forward to slap my drawn-up knees. “I knew it, Tessa! This is wonderful!”
“It is, isn’t it?”
“Try not to sound so happy about it,” she says sarcastically. “This is what you wanted, right?”
“Yeah, it’s just that I never thought I’d actually get here.”
“I know, but now you have. Don’t be sad, you deserve to celebrate. This is big.”
“You know I can’t celebrate until I tell my parents. And Beau.”
Her face turns contemplative. “Have you thought about what you’re going to say?”
“I’ve thought about it plenty, but I still don’t have a plan.”
We’re quiet for a moment and then she asks, “Do you want to vent or do you want a solution?”
It’s such a Peyton thing to say and exactly the reason I needed to talk to her. “Solutions, please.” I put my head in my hands, fighting the wave of sadness that threatens to pull tears from my eyes.
She rubs her hands together, thinking. “Obviously, you should tell your parents first. This is huge news and I know you’re scared, but it impacts them the most.”
“Yeah, but what do I say?”
“I think you’re going to have to come right out and just say it. Be direct. Blurt it out if you have to. You’ve waited too long to hedge.”
I shake my head, my hair falling in my face. “God, they’re going to be so mad.”
“Yep, but you’ve got to get through it. They’re going to try to convince you to stay. Are you absolutely sure this is what you want?”
“No,” I whine. “Not anymore. At least telling Beau will be easier.” I’m met with silence. Too much silence. When I lift my head, Peyton’s look is pitying. “What? You don’t think he’ll be easier?”
“I think he’ll be the hardest.”
“What do you mean?”
She sighs the way everyone does when they think I’m being stubborn and annoyance flares inside me. “Come on, Tessa. You really think he’s going to take it well?”
“No, not well, but I was going to ask him to come with me. At the very least, we could be long-distance for a while.”
“No.” She interrupts me in a flat voice and I stare back at her blankly, mouth still open on what I was about to say. “He won’t leave.”
I look out the window, unable to look into eyes that are so like his. “He might. If I ask him the right way and explain everything, he might come,” I tell her in a small voice. I’m not sure who I'm trying to convince.
“I love you, but that’s just selfish.” My head jerks in her direction like I’ve just been slapped, but she continues. “Look, I’m happy for you. I am. This is amazing! You’re about to get all you’ve ever wanted, but you can’t ask him to upend his life just because you want something.”
Bitterness burns on the back of my tongue. “You’re acting like I’d be asking a stranger to go with me. This is Beau, he loves me. You don’t think he’ll want to go?”
“He’s loved you his whole life, Tessa, but you’ve just decided to notice this summer. I think you’re forgetting he had a life before you. He may not want to leave it all behind.”
She’s making it seem like I hardly know him at all and I can’t help but get defensive. “Wow. So you’re saying I’m not enough. He doesn’t love me enough to leave.”
I don’t have to hear the words to know what’s unspoken. Do you love him enough to stay, she’s thinking ? Of course I love him, I’m surprised every day by how much he means to me. But I’ve wanted to leave my hometown my whole life. I’ve wanted to start over where no one knows me my whole life . And now that I have the chance, he’s the only thing keeping me here.
“No, I’m saying maybe you haven’t been paying enough attention to what he wants. I love the two of you together, everyone does. You know how much I want you to be my real sister one day, but there are two people in your relationship. Maybe you should ask him what his dreams are before you go ahead and put yours first.”
My heartbeat whooshes in my ears. Everything hurts, but all I can focus on is how her calm face doesn’t seem sorry to have ripped my chest open. It’s a surprise to me that there’s no blood when I look down at myself. Somewhere in the mess of my thoughts and my anger, there’s a kernel of truth to what she’s saying. I’ve had these same terrible thoughts before. Right before I doze off, when I’m sleepy and content in Beau’s arms, my mind wanders and I’m too tired to stop it from running through all that I’m doing wrong. But I’ve been running from those same thoughts for months now, I don’t need her throwing them in my face.
“You were supposed to be helping.” Staring through the cold window is easier than having to disguise the hurt.
“I’m trying to help! I’m not trying to hurt you, all I’m saying is consider who you’re talking to.”
“So we’re just supposed to break up? That’s it?” I wave my hands in the air to relieve some of the pain. “It’s not like I can go to Houston and come back after I’ve achieved what I want to.” My voice breaks. “I wasn’t planning on coming back.”
“You haven’t thought about this?” She doesn’t mean it as an insult, she’s merely observing.
“Of course I’ve thought about it, Pey. I just didn’t think I’d have to give him up.” The words hang in the air, startling even me with their truth.
“I know you love him, but this may be something you have to do on your own.”
“It isn’t fair,” I tell her sadly.
Tears fall and I do nothing to stop them. Peyton scoots close to me and wraps her arms around my shoulders. She doesn’t care that I’ve yelled at her, that I’ve questioned her. She holds me while I cry, whispering, “I’m sorry,” every so often until I’ve exhausted myself.
Later that night, my parent’s dinner conversation drones on around me.
“And then you and Beau could meet us there.”
Mama points her fork at me, making plans I know nothing about because I haven’t heard a word they’ve said for the last twenty minutes. I nod in agreement and make a mental note to figure out what I just agreed to. They go on, talking over and through me while I stress.
When we’re cleaning up, Mama says, “You should sell these in the store. They’re my favorite.”
I hear Daddy answer her, but I’m not paying attention until he calls my name. “Well now that you mention it, Tessa?”
“Hmm?” I stack one of the plates I’m washing on the counter and blink at him, trying to gather what he was just saying.
“We need to decide if McManus will still be our supplier. Their contract has a five-year term and I’ll have retired by then, so it’ll be up to you.” At my vacant look, he says, “Just remind me to talk to you about it Monday, we don’t have to get into it now.”
When they turn around, something inside me whispers, Now. Now. Now. It’s a thought that comes out of nowhere, but why not now? They’re both in a good mood. I’m never going to be braver than I am in this moment.
As I’m drying the last dish, I ask, “Can I talk to you both about something?”
“Sure, honey. What is it?” Mama asks.
I wince, but push through. “Do you mind if we go into the dining room?”
“Must be serious,” Mama jokes, but she takes my dad’s arm and leads him out of the kitchen.
I take a deep breath and follow my parents, sitting in my chair across the table from them. “I don’t want the store,” I say quietly.
“What are you talking about?” My mom sits her wine glass down and puts her elbows on the table.
“I mean, I don’t want to run the store. I can’t.”
“She’s just nervous,” Daddy says to her. “I mentioned it to you a while ago.” He turns to me. “This is about our conversation in the office, right? I told you we could wait a while, train you more if that’s what you wanted. It’ll all work out.” He nods at me, believing it's settled.
I try again, struggling to keep my voice calm. “I don’t want the store. I don’t want to run it, I don’t want to take over. I don’t want it.”
They both look at me stupidly and I can’t blame them. I just dropped this news on them out of nowhere. But when no one speaks or makes a move, my nerves flare up.
“I shouldn’t have told you like this, I’m sorry. I just… There was no good way to say it and I owe you an explanation.” I fiddle with my fingers in my lap. “I don’t think I can run the store because I want to do something else.” I gather up every ounce of courage I have, pulling it up in front of me like a shield. “I want to work in publishing and I can’t do that here.”
“Here?” My mom repeats.
“Here in Pelahatchie.”
“Alright. Well, have you thought about doing something else for a few years and then taking over when your daddy retires? I’m sure he can push it out a few more years.” She looks at him and he nods warily, but there’s something simmering in his eyes.
“No, Mama.” I shake my head.
She goes on, ignoring me. “We’ll have to make some compromises, but we can figure it…”
“No!” I slam my hand on the table and the candlesticks shake. “You’re not hearing me.”
“Sweetheart, why are you so upset about this?”
“Because I’ve never wanted to run the store. I want to work with books and manuscripts and authors. I want to be a part of the process of publishing and I need to be somewhere else to do that.”
“I don’t understand,” she says.
Here it comes. This whole time, I’ve only ever worried about disappointing my father. I’ve only thought about what my dreams would do to him . But I can’t believe how na?ve I’ve been. My mom isn’t going to escape this disaster I’ve created unscathed. Telling her I don’t want to live here is going to crush her.
She sees grandchildren and Beau and I living across the street, cooking together in her kitchen during the holidays. Everything she’s ever wanted for me has included me staying in Pelahatchie for the rest of my life. I want so badly to give her all of those things, but it goes against everything that makes me…me.
I don’t know how I didn’t see it before. I’m hurting her more with every word, but I have to get it out. “I don’t want to live in a small town forever.” My head falls into my hands and I sigh. “I don’t want to live here.”
“What?” is all she says.
I rush to explain. “I’ve always felt stuck. I know you love it, but it’s not for me. I want to be in a big city. I want to try something new.”
“What’s so horrible about this place? What did we do that you’d want to leave so badly?” Her voice is soft, pained.
“Nothing, nothing like that. I just want more than what I can get here.”
My father, who has stayed silent this whole time, sits back in his chair and crosses his arms. “When are you leaving?”
“Not right away, surely.” Mama starts, but is interrupted.
“No, answer the question, Tessa. When? She’s already applied for jobs elsewhere,” he says to her, but continues to stare daggers at me. “You said that in my office, didn’t you?”
“Yes, sir.” I meet his angry eyes. “I applied for anything I could find in editing, but I don’t have any experience so the pickings were slim. When Beau and I went to Houston, I kind of fell in love with a place there.”
“Tessa, what are you saying?” My mother leans forward and gazes at me intently.
“A publishing company offered me a job as an editorial assistant. In Houston.”
Mama sighs in defeat. My father shakes his head before speaking. “Let me get this straight. You would rather go out and get someone’s coffee order every day than own your own business? You’d rather work for someone else than take anything we’re offering? You’d turn your nose up at everything I’ve built. Everything we’ve built, for you to run off to some big city.”
“It’s not like that, Daddy,” I plead. “I’m grateful. I’m so incredibly thankful for everything you’ve done for me. You’ve given me the most beautiful life and this was a great place to grow up, I just need to experience something more.”
“Yeah, you seem incredibly thankful right now,” he sneers. “So much so that you’re throwing away my life’s work.”
“Daniel, don’t,” Mama says sternly, but he ignores her as if he can’t hear anything over his rage.
“I’ll have to sell. You know that, don’t you?” His voice rises until he’s shouting at me from the head of the table. “I’ll have to sell everything we have to a stranger or a corporation who will change everything we love about the General Store. They’ll commercialize it and strip it down until it’s nothing special. Until it’s just a place to buy laundry detergent. But what do you care? You want to work with books and you don’t want to live here anyway.”
He’s never shouted at me before. Tears stream down my cheeks and my throat aches as I try to stop them in their tracks. I expected it to be bad, but I didn’t expect this.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper and I know it’s not enough. Not nearly.
“I used to thank my lucky stars I had a daughter like you. Beautiful, independent, smart. Never got into any trouble. And then when you started seeing Beau, it was as if every dream I ever had for you was coming true. But now, I don’t think I’ve ever been so disappointed.”
He stands from his chair, towering over us. His voice is softer now, with an edge I’ve never heard him use. It cuts me deeper with every single sentence. “Part of being a mature adult means making hard decisions. I’m glad you figured out what you want to do with your life, I’m happy for you. But you can find somewhere else to live. That’s what you wanted.”
“I didn’t want this,” I cry. “I wasn’t trying to hurt you.”
“Well, you have,” he interrupts. “And now you have to live with it. But you’ll do it somewhere else, because I can’t even look at you right now.” He walks out of the room but stops with a hand on the doorframe. “Let your mother know your new address when you get where you’re going.”
Mama has tears in her eyes too and when she gets up, I think she might hug me. I wish she would, but she walks right past my chair.
“I don’t know what we did to deserve this, Tessa.”
They leave me alone at the table with just my tears for company and I realize I’ve made everything infinitely worse.
I don’t tell Beau about the fight with my dad and he doesn’t ask why I have a bigger-than-normal bag packed and sitting in his bedroom. But though I dried my eyes and added more makeup, he knows something is wrong. There’s been no urgency in his touch tonight. No teasing or tickling, like he understands somehow I couldn’t handle it. After I packed and left my parents’ silent house, I came back here and have been quietly reading in bed for most of the night.
I can’t tell him. I can’t go through another heartbreak like the one hours ago. I don’t have enough left in me and I need time to process what I’m going to do with this full-stop. Because that’s exactly what this is. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. I keep coming back to the Monopoly card and it makes me want to laugh. I must be insane, I think to myself, because how could someone laugh at a time like this?
Should I take the job because I’ve blown up my comfortable existence and I’ve got nothing left to lose? I can’t take back what I said and it’s likely that my father will never forgive me anyway. Or do I pass on this opportunity because as of tonight, I’m effectively disowned? I’ll have no family, no money, and no name to back me up. I’ll have to work for everything I get on my own. This is what I wanted, right?
Beau has been running his fingers through my hair and every pass is making me more and more needy. I’m snuggled against his side, tucked under his arm where we sit against the pillows and the headboard. His fingers have me squirming every time they brush against my scalp. I turn my face to his to find that he’s already looking at me.
“Tell me how to help,” he says.
I’m full of awe. “How do you always know?”
“I’ve watched you for a long time, Firecracker. I know when something’s not right.” His eyes are so intent and so soft at the same time. “Tell me what to do.”
Tears prick at the corners of my eyes and I blink them back. “Distract me.”
My chin tips up for him just as his lips come down on mine. Beau’s big hands hold my face so gently that I feel like a doll. Our kisses deepen and I feel it when he switches from consoling to possessing. He’s so responsive all the time and it gives me a feeling of such power to make him like this. Like he’s a man that’s been starving and I’m everything he needs to survive.
He slides down the bed, taking me with him. When he pulls me expertly underneath him, his weight pressing me down is just as much a comfort as it is a turn-on. As is so much else with Beau. I don’t think I’ve ever realized before how he’s the perfect balance of soothing and passionate. He’ll take care of me, but he inspires more desire than I’ve ever felt. I can’t get over it. I can’t get over him and how perfect we are for each other. Why did it take me so long to realize?
He presses me back with a hand at the base of my throat. This show of dominance makes me slick. Most of the time, he lets me call the shots, but tonight, it’s as if he understands I need him to take control.
“I’ll make you a bargain. I’ll distract you, but you have to keep your eyes on me. You got that? You close your eyes and it all stops. Every touch.” Licking my lips against the sudden dryness in my mouth, I nod, keeping my eyes locked on his. “Good girl.”
He takes my shirt and lifts it over my head. But I feel hot and itchy under his gaze, so soon, I’m trying to rip his off as well. His naked chest, the muscles, the light dusting of hair under his navel, I caress as much as I can before he slides my underwear down my legs. He pulls them slowly and I keep my eyes on his.
It’s easy to overlook how perfectly he’s made when every one of his qualities is better than the last. His kindness, his humor, his protectiveness, all of it has me feeling like the most cherished person in the whole world. But right now, it’s the tenderness with which he’s handling me that cements my heart within his forever.
I need to feel his skin on mine. I need him to ground me, to keep me from sinking into the sadness that threatens to swallow me whole. His blue eyes are feverish and like a vacuum, they pull me in and help me forget. All I can see, all I can think about is how much I want him inside me. My movements are jerky as I tug on the waistband of his gray sweatpants, but he stops me with a hand on my arm.
“Slow down, baby. Let me take my time.”
“Beau, I…” I stutter, not sure how to put into words how much I need him.
“I know,” he whispers. “I know.”
He kisses me softly and rises to his knees to pull off his pants. When his cock springs free, it bobs over me and I reach out to take it in my hands. Good. Lord. He’s long, but it’s the thickness that makes my mouth water. He feels so large in my hands that I’m already anticipating the stretch and the ache he’ll leave behind. I stroke him a few times, just to see his head drop back and hear his groan of pleasure. He pushes himself into my hands.
We don’t bother with words. We don’t bother with anything other than he and I. Our hands, our lips, our hearts beating in sync. And when he slides home, he fills me so completely that all I can do is hold on. I don't have to feel, I don’t have to think when he’s inside me. I just fall into the sensation of him plunging so deep that it obliterates everything that happened today.
If I could keep him with me like this always, I’d never leave this bed. I’d wrap my arms around his neck and bury my face in his shoulder, just like this. I’d stay beneath him where his masculine scent and his strong arms can hold me together. I’d let every thrust keep me from falling apart.
Beau keeps his eyes on me, just like he made me promise to do and every moan and gasp is heightened because he’s watching throughout it all. There’s something so sexy about never having to fake emotion. Every reaction I have to him, to his incredible body, is because he makes me react. He draws my pleasure out, pulls it from me and lays everything bare so there’s nothing hidden between us.
We’re so focused on each other that my orgasm sneaks up and I barely have time to pant, “Baby, I’m going to–” before I’m coming. Though my eyes close, I know he’s watching it all unfold. He sees my body spasm, my pussy squeezing him so tightly. I know he sees the few tears that slip down my cheeks. Electricity licks its way down my spine until I feel a rush of my own wetness.
“I’ll never get over the sight of you coming, Firecracker. Never,” he whispers.
Beau’s movements take on a frantic pace and he reaches underneath us to take my ass in his hands. He lifts my hips to meet his cock, positioning my boneless body exactly where he wants me.
“Come for me, Beau,” I breathe, running my nails down the back of his neck. “Please. I need it. I need you,” I say it just as much for myself as I do for him. I need him with me in this moment and he rewards me with a few more powerful strokes before caging me in completely and gasping out his release.
I stroke through his hair as we pant together, coming down sleepily and relaxing into the pillows.
There’s a moment of panic, where it feels wrong not to tell him about the job offer, but he turns us on our sides and gathers me close. I’m safe and warm and happy and I just want to stay like that for the little while I have left.
A few days pass and I try to go about everything as usual. I don’t go home. I don’t talk to my parents and if Beau notices, he doesn’t say anything. When I get to the store to work, my dad isn’t there and I know it’s intentional. He’s avoiding me, but I wish he wouldn’t. I wish he’d yell or scream or rage, anything other than ignoring this rift between us. But then again, he’s always ignored me.
When Beau comes home from work two days after the fight, I’m sitting on the front porch steps waiting for him.
“I could get used to this,” he says as he wraps me in a hug.
“Can we talk?” I ask him, wincing already.
“Sure.” He draws the word out slowly and pulls me down to sit on his lap.
One of my arms is still around his neck and I need all the support I can get. “I have something to tell you.”
“Yeah, I gathered that. You’re shaking, Tess. What is it?”
“I got a job offer a little while ago.”
“What do you mean?” His wary look is so similar to my dad’s.
“I got a real job.”
“You have a job.”
I take a deep breath and it all comes out in a rush. “I started applying for jobs out of town when I graduated. You know the books I’m always reading and reviewing? It’s so a publishing company might take notice and give me a better chance for a job.” I don’t wait for him to answer. “I started looking into publishing and nothing came of it for a while. After Houston, I had an interview with this place I found while we were there.” He eyes me, no doubt anticipating exactly where this is going. “And they offered me a job.”
He’s wearing a stern expression and I suddenly dread his next words. “So what now?”
“It means I’ll be…”
“I know what it means,” he snaps. He stands abruptly, tipping me off his lap and onto shaky legs. “You’re leaving.” I duck my head, not able to meet his eyes. “When were you going to tell me? When you got settled in your new place?”
“I was going to tell you, Beau. I didn’t think it would happen at all and there was no reason to worry you if I wasn’t leaving.”
His breathing picks up and I’d do just about anything to ease the pain on his face, but it’s his next words that take my breath away.
“You were always going to leave me.” He paces to the driveway and I follow. “You knew, didn’t you? You knew you were going to leave and you didn’t tell me. You let me fall in love with you and this was what? In the back of your mind the whole time?” He leans against the bumper of the Jeep. His arms are crossed over his chest and he’d look relaxed if it weren’t for the way he heaves with each frustrated breath. “You didn’t even fucking tell me.”
I rush to him, trying to take his hand but he won’t budge. “Beau, look at me. I’m sorry. I didn’t think it would happen like this. I’ve been applying since I graduated and nothing has happened until now. I thought we’d have more time.”
“More time?” He bites out. “I thought we had all the time in the world because I thought you were staying here, Tess. You have a job. You’re running the General Store. You’ve all but moved in here with me.” He flings a hand towards the house. “I thought this was your home.”
“It is my home!” My words implore him to believe me, but my voice cracks. “But you knew I wanted to leave. I’ve always wanted to leave Pelahatchie.”
“Forgive me for not knowing about something you haven’t mentioned for months. Why didn’t you say anything?”
His eyes are a depthless blue and I can see clear to the soul I’m stomping on. “Beau, please. There’s nothing here! It’s too small. I haven’t seen anything, I haven’t done anything. I don’t want to be stuck in this town forever. This gives me a chance to get out, see something more than just the county line.”
“I thought all that had changed? I thought…” His words trail off, like he doesn’t understand how we got here. “It doesn’t change the fact that you didn’t tell me, Tess. Was I not worth that much?”
“Of course you were worth it. You are worth it. I was so scared of telling you because I don’t want this to end. I didn’t mean to fall for you, but it changed everything. When I realized I was in love with you, I still had to find a way to break my dad’s heart and make a living on my own. I had to figure out so many things at once and I got a little confused. If I could go back and do it differently, I would.”
He makes an angry noise and turns to brace both hands on the hood, but I keep going. “I thought for a while that if nothing ever came of it, if I never got a job offer, then it would be okay because I had you. I had to stay, but I got you instead and I could be happy with that. But when I saw that email, I wanted it so much. I forgot how badly I wanted it until it was there.”
He doesn’t say anything, but I see the muscles of his back work with each breath. I keep talking, willing him to believe in me. “Nothing worked out the way I planned, okay? I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.” I reach my hands out and place them on his waist. “But you can come with me,” I whisper as I rest my forehead on his spine. “I was going to ask you to come with me as soon as I told you about the job, I promise.”
He goes utterly still and I lift my head. “What’s wrong?”
He pushes off the car and growls in frustration. “I can’t leave, Tess. I don’t want to leave.”
“Don’t you want to be with me?” I whisper and the bottom drops out of my stomach. What if Peyton was right and it’s not enough? What if I’m not enough?
“You didn’t even tell me you were planning on leaving!” He shouts in my face. “Besides the fact that you just told me I wasn’t enough to keep you here, you’re asking me to come with you out of pity! What would I even do there? There’s nothing for me in… Oh, that’s right!” He mocks me cruelly. “I don’t even know where you’re going.”
After a long moment, I say, “Houston. The job is in Houston.”
He purses his lips and nods angrily. “I’m going to take over the orchards. The whole operation. That’s always been the plan.”
“I know, I just thought maybe for a few years, we could…”
He looks at me blankly. “I can’t run the business from anywhere but here, Tess.”
A wave of anxiety crashes into me. Shame stains my cheeks. I thought I had made my choice, but this hurts too much. How am I supposed to leave now? I was so sure this was the right thing for me. This was my ticket out of here. That getting this job offer was the sign I’d been waiting for. But I underestimated what I would feel for Beau. My feelings got stronger and stronger until one day, I cared about him more than getting out of this town. But I don’t want to give up one dream for another, I want them both. If he’d just come with me, we could have it all.
“I can’t stay here, Beau. I want everything life has to offer and there’s nothing here. I’m suffocating.”
A long pause. “You mean, I’m suffocating you.”
“No, that’s not what I said.” I reach for him, my heart shattering little by little. He jerks out of my grasp.
“You don’t have to say it, Tess.” He puts his hands behind his head and looks at me earnestly. “I can’t go, but I don’t want to either. I want a family here. I want my kids to grow up on the same land I grew up on. I want them to know all my favorite spots.” He lets out a shaky breath and the sound undoes me. “My whole life is in Pelahatchie. Everything but you.”
And with that, he turns and walks into the house.
Tears start to fall and I can’t stop them. My body is never wholly mine when he’s around. Reactions sneak up on me, my hands and feet move of their own volition and I’m helpless to stop the pull he exerts. It’s been the same way since that first kiss at the pond, touching him before there was a conscious thought to do so. Moving towards wherever he is. I had no idea then that his kiss would alter so much of me.