27. Tessa
27
Tessa
W e’re back in the VIP lounge, catching our breath after dancing together for the last couple of hours. There were definitely a few people with their phone cameras out and a couple girls were brave enough to ask the guys for autographs. I really haven’t ever thought about Shep McAbee as a celebrity, but he looked damn good posing for the camera. He took it all in stride good-naturedly, like it doesn’t bother him at all to be recognized by so many people.
Ray cycled through a few beauties while we were downstairs, but now that we’re up here again, he’s alone. Ty brought up the girl in the black dress who he introduced as Whitney. They’ll definitely be going home together, they haven’t taken their hands off each other all night.
Ava sits with Sydney while they whisper to each other. She’s all creamy, smooth skin, blonde hair, and white dress. His dark skin contrasts with all her light so beautifully that she looks like an angel perched on his lap. God, they make the perfect couple. She’s been a ton of fun. All Shep’s friends are, but I can’t help but feel a little left out because everyone but Ray and Shep are coupled up.
I tried to ignore the way my skin tightened every time his hips brushed against me while we danced. It’s nothing. It’s clear he only brought me out because I’ve been spending too much time in the apartment. I’m trying to keep my mind off the estrangement and the breakup, but there have been plenty of nights I’ve silently cried myself to sleep. Being so busy at work has made it a little easier to tamp those feelings down, but not completely. I’ve shoved them into a little box inside me. I’ve locked the damn thing too many times to count, but they keep slipping out at the worst moments.
Suddenly, I’m not feeling very much like partying anymore. Shep says he’s going to the restroom downstairs and asks if I want to come, but I need a minute to clear my head. He leaves me standing at the glass balcony rail and I watch him walk away. He’s perfect. Tall and muscular with those arms . The veins running down his forearms are enough to have me salivating. I’d love to just lick all the way down…
Woah there , the rational part of my brain cautions. It’s only been a couple months since I moved here. But I miss sex. I miss sex with Beau . It’s no wonder I’m having these feelings about Shep, I’m just projecting all my horniness onto the closest guy I can find. And Shep doesn’t deserve to be taken advantage of, not after everything he’s done for me.
I think I must have imagined how in sync we were on the dance floor. It felt like all of his movements followed all of mine. His fingers were so strong on my back, on my shoulders. It felt good to feel sexy. To be wanted. To be seen with him knowing that other girls want him . I saw them looking, watching where his hands were on my body. What is wrong with me? I need to get laid and soon. But it can’t be Shep, for a multitude of reasons.
“You having a crisis over here?” Ray comes over and leans his forearms on the rail beside mine.
“Umm, no,” I stammer. “Why would you say that?”
“You’ve been staring after 26 like he’s a glass of water in the desert. You thirsty, Tessa?”He teases with a raised brow. No. Okay, maybe.
“You must need your eyes checked, Ray, because you are clearly blind.”
He laughs and my eyes are drawn to his perfect, white teeth. He’s the face of the Tornadoes for a reason because this man is fine.
“Shep never comes out, but he didn't need convincing tonight and I think it has something to do with you.”
“Maybe he just wanted to blow off some steam before his whole life changes in a few weeks.”
“Nah,” he narrows his eyes. “I think he wanted to show you off.”
“Me? We’re just friends. I used to date his brother.”
“Yeah, he told me.” He pauses, looking out at the crowd below us, but then he turns back. “That doesn’t mean you can’t date him, though.”
My mouth drops open in shock. “Yes, it absolutely does! Ray, that’s like the first rule in the guy code.” I look around, trying to find a way out of this conversation. “Why am I telling you this? You know this,” I mutter under my breath. Besides, he’s not even interested in me like that.”
“So you admit you like him?”
I narrow my eyes at him. “That’s not what I said.”
“All I’m hearing is that you’ll have to work around the brother thing.”
I smirk sarcastically. “Why do you care?”
“Because I want to see my boy happy. And from everything I’ve witnessed tonight, you’ve got him wrapped around your little finger.” He smooths his fingers over his chin. “You’re good together.”
I’m not following that up with an answer, though the compliment sends a little thrill all the way to my toes. I look out at the frenzied crowd below.
“What about you? If you’re so smart, why haven’t you hooked yourself a cleat chaser already?”
“Because I’m not looking for one. I like mine wearing the cleats.” My head whips towards him, realizing what he’s actually saying and he laughs. I had no idea all night. He hid it so well. And the thought makes me sad. I know firsthand how lonely it gets hoarding pieces of yourself. “We all have our secrets, Tessa, baby.”
Nodding, I admit, “I guess so.” I lean in to kiss him on the cheek. “I’m gonna get some air. Be back in a bit.”
I hurry down the stairs, trying to find the bathroom as my heart pumps wildly. Tears build in my throat, choking me. Ray was right. Everything he said about Shep and me was on point. I’m nauseous with guilt. It’s been what? Three months since I shattered Beau’s heart in the driveway. And here I am lusting after his older brother. Dancing with him, thinking about his forearms. I don’t want him, I realize. I just don’t want to be alone. This is pathetic. He tried to help me and now he’s stuck living with a total trainwreck.
The line for the ladies’ is all the way down the hall. I can’t stand in line with tears running down my cheeks. I have to find somewhere else to fall apart. Muttering apologies for bumping into literally everyone I see, I rush for the door. I’m almost out of the club when someone sticks a hand out, stopping me.
“Hey, where’s the fire?” Shep asks, smoothing his hand up my arm and holding my shoulder.
“I need to go,” I say shakily. I can’t meet his eyes. If I look into those midnight blue pools, I’m going to lose it. “Tonight’s been great, I’m just not feeling well.”
I break out of his hold and start walking towards the doors. “Hold on, I’ll come with you.”
“No, your friends are here. Stay, I’ll get an Uber.”
“Tessa, I’m not letting you get a ride home by yourself. It’s after midnight.”
“Shep!” I turn on him, letting him see the tears falling in earnest now. “Will you please go back inside and let me catch my breath? Jesus.”
I walk outside into the freezing February air, past the few people taking a smoke break, but Shep follows and grabs my arm. He spins me around and takes my face in his hands.
“What’s wrong?” His voice is clipped, each syllable short and I can’t tell if he’s scared or mad at me for dragging him out into the cold like this. Not knowing just makes me crazier and I fall to pieces right there on the street.
“Everything!” I shout. “Everything, okay? You’ve been nothing but nice. You’ve taken care of me and I'm taking advantage of you. I have to move out. I’ll start looking for a place Monday, I’m sorry it’s taken me this long.”
“Tessa. Tell me what’s wrong. Now.” The edge in his voice makes me cry that much harder.
“Ray said we’re good together while you were in the bathroom and I started picturing it. Us together, but that’s so wrong and I’m so sorry.” I cover my face with my hands. “I feel so guilty. You were just being nice and I completely pulled you into the middle of the shitshow that is my life right now.”
Shep’s holding me. I don’t know when he stepped in so close and I only realized it when I could smell the warm scent of his cologne. His hands stroke down my back. It feels so good, but it's just another thing that’s wrong for us.I try to pull back but he won’t let me, his arms cage me in.
I look up and his face is so serious. Unreadable. “You pictured us?” His voice is low. When I nod slowly, he goes on. “What did you picture us doing, Tessa?”
Did he just pull me closer? Our bodies are aligned from chest to toe, his hard muscles tense against all of me. I want to sink into his strength, just this once.
“Umm,” I breathe. “Your arms.” I can’t get anything else out, but those arms are definitely tightening now.
“These?” he questions. His voice is doing that gravelly thing that makes my core clench. He brushes the top of my head with his lips. “Anything else?”
I can’t help myself. “I may have pictured us kissing.”
He tilts my face up and we stare into each other’s eyes. I’m burning up all over. Can he feel it? “Like this?” he asks.
And then, Shep is kissing me. And man, he’s a good kisser. His mouth takes mine. Commands me, owns me. I don’t have to feel anything, I just have to follow his lead. Before I know it, my hands are in his hair and the fade around his neck is rasping against my fingers. He bends me backwards like he’s trying to devour me.
A drunk girl and her friends stumble into us and Shep clutches me tightly to keep us from falling. The group giggles and I hear a muttered apology before they keep walking down the street.
When I face him again, his midnight eyes are cloudy with desire and if I had a mirror, I’d see the same reflected in mine. But I can also clearly see bad decisions lined up one after another if this night goes the way we both want it to.
“What are we doing?” I whisper.
“Going home. Now.” He cups my face, brushing his thumbs along my cheekbones, willing me to agree. Looking into his eyes, I nod. I can’t find a reason why we shouldn’t take whatever this is back to the apartment and I don’t want to examine it right now. It’s time to put Beau’s memory to bed, once and for all.
He takes my hand and leads me towards the corner where we catch a cab and head home.
I’m wrapped in a blanket and sitting on the balcony, contemplating throwing myself off it. I don’t know what time it is or how long I’ve been out here, but the sky in front of me is just beginning to lighten and my toes are numb with cold. I left Shep asleep in his bed, knocked out cold, and it would have been so easy to stay there with him. To cuddle back into his warmth and draw it into me. To let it fill me up the way he had earlier. But that post-fuck clarity will get you every time.
I’ve played the whole night back while sitting here, like a film reel on a loop. I let him kiss me in the cab and in the elevator on the way up. I let him peel off my clothes and I practically tore him out of his when we got to his bedroom. I have no illusions that what we did could be called making love. It was rough and fast and hot enough to singe the sheets we wrapped ourselves in, it was just the love part that was missing.
I didn’t feel the absence of it while he pounded into me over and over and over again. In fact, I was lost to the sensation of each new position we switched to. The smell of his skin and the rasp of his stubble on the insides of my thighs, the feel and fit of him as he moved inside me. I didn’t think of Beau at all while Shep fucked me, I had no other thought but how good he felt and how badly I’d needed this, another person’s touch, after so long.
Every move he made pushed me higher and higher until I was nothing but breath, gasping his name as I came apart underneath him. The satisfaction of the orgasm he so expertly wrung from my body was bliss. It wasn’t until he was grunting out his own release, whispering, “mine” in my ear as he came that I felt the crushing weight of disappointment settle on top of me.
We can’t do this. Any other word would have let me keep the illusion going, but not that. That one word holds everything I’m not. Beau and Shep look enough alike that I could forget in the moment. That I never even compared the two, but even thinking something so callous gives me the same heavy feeling as a sunset. So when Shep’s breathing evened out, telling me he had fallen asleep, I ran for my own room.
The scalding water of the shower did little to erase my embarrassment. I’d wanted him so badly. I thought perhaps the alcohol from the club had gone to my head, but I know I can’t use that as an excuse. It was the way he held my hips as we danced, the energy between us that told me it was always going to lead to this. Whether it was tonight or some other night in the future, we’d still have found our way here. We had to find our way here or I’d never be able to fully realize that it isn’t the distance I’ve put between myself and Pelahatchie. It isn’t the work I’ve so diligently tried to bury myself under, it’s the wrongness of Shep for someone like me.
Just like that day in the coffee shop, he’s the right smile on the wrong person. He’s caring and sweet and so utterly comfortable, but I’d burn him alive in the end. It’s more than the comfort of Beau’s body and his teasing I’ve been missing these past few months. It’s the way he kept me alive, the spontaneous way he made living in a one-horse town worthwhile. He made me worthwhile. I’ve made enough wrong choices by now to know I can’t do this to Shep. I won’t use his goodness. I’d rather him hate me for turning him down than cheapen all the wonderful things he has to offer.
I’ve been torturing myself out here, hoping he’d stay asleep all night and that he’d catch a case of acute amnesia while he was at it. Apparently that was too much to hope for, because after a while I hear the door slide open behind me. Shep comes out and lights a fire in the stone fire pit. The flames flare blue before I feel the warmth.
He sits in the chair next to mine and we gaze out over the city together. “You’re going to get sick out here with wet hair,” he says quietly.
“That’s just a myth.”
He wraps his arms around himself. “Tell me what you’re thinking,” he says in that calm way of his that puts everyone at ease. I wish it would work on me now.
“I don’t think anyone was convinced we were roommates tonight. Least of all me.”
“Probably not,” he agrees.
“Are we still roommates?”
He shoots me a look. “Of course. Why would you say that?”
“Because what happened in there can’t happen again.”
Shep looks down at his lap and sighs. “I was afraid you were going to say that.”
I face him, the flames from the fire throwing his features into stark relief. It’s a crime someone so handsome, so effortlessly sexy, would inspire nothing but regret. It’s another that the one person who makes me feel anything is eight-hundred miles away, no doubt nursing the other half of the broken heart I carry.
We haven’t talked about all that happened before I came to Houston. We’ve talked about everything else under the sun, but I’ve always felt Shep knew how badly it would hurt to bring it up. It all comes rushing out now and it does hurt, just as much as I expected it to.
“I’ve screwed everything up.” I shake my head, looking at my lap. “I should have told them. They deserved that much. I mean, it turned out exactly like I thought it would. Except for the part where my father said he never wanted to see me again. I did not expect that.” A bitter laugh escapes me. “I gave it all up for this ridiculous dream. I imploded my entire life for what? To get a job with books? It seems so stupid now. I ruined my relationship with my parents because I was too scared to tell them the truth.”
He lets me talk, but I can’t look at him. If I catch a glimpse of the city lights reflecting in his eyes, I’ll want to hide there and never come out.
“And then I did the same thing with Beau. If I had just told him the truth, if I’d stopped pretending sooner, then he might have understood and come with me. We could have had so much more time.” I run my fingers through my hair angrily. Tears start falling, hot and fast. I don’t wipe them away, I just let them burn their way down my cheeks in the cold air. A small part of me, deep inside, wonders if this hurts Shep to hear. But the relief of getting this off my chest is so overwhelming that I can’t make room for his feelings too.
“Why didn’t you tell him about looking for a job?”
I sigh. “It was already a secret with my mom and dad and it just felt natural to keep it from him too.”
“Tessa.” He says my name like a reproach.
If I wasn’t crying, I’d laugh at the fact that he knows me so well. He knows that’s not the only reason. I stay silent and so does he, waiting me out. Shep has always matched me in stubbornness. He isn’t showy about it, but his stubbornness is a brick wall. Once he’s set his mind to something, he doesn’t budge.
“I was afraid it wouldn’t happen,” I whisper.
“You were afraid you wouldn’t get a job?” He catches on immediately and I nod.
“I told you because I had to tell someone. You weren’t going to judge me.”
“Beau wouldn’t have judged you.”
My face tips up to the sky and I breathe it in, hoping for a little courage. “I didn’t want to be embarrassed when I talked this whole dream up and nothing came of it. It would have been such a letdown and I didn’t want anyone’s pity. If Beau didn’t know about it and I never got the chance to leave, so what? But I couldn’t fail in front of him. When I got the offer, I was so excited I couldn’t breathe. But I couldn’t enjoy it because all I do is get in my own way,” I mutter.
I don’t know how long we sit there until I feel Shep’s hand on my shoulders. His thumb strokes up the nape of my neck. “Scoot over,” he says. I shuffle sideways and he comes to sit beside me, pulling me into the shelter of his arm.
“Please don’t say you’re sorry. I can’t take that from you,” I sniff.
“I wasn’t going to.”
“I can’t offer you anything, Shep. My heart’s not mine and I don’t want to hurt you too.”
I’ve never been more thankful for this man’s lack of words. I lay my head on his shoulder and he says something so softly I almost miss it. “But when it is yours again, Tessa. All bets are off.”