First

Chapter 25

Chapter Twenty-Five

“Another, please.” Mike rapped his empty glass on the bar. He was feeling comfortably numb, but not numb enough. The ache that filled him each time he tried to imagine what Tommy was feeling was proof enough of that. It was the not knowing that was killing him.

“I think you’ve had enough.” Kevin folded his arms and did his best to glare at him, but that shit never worked on Mike anyhow.

“What you really need to do is talk to me. What’s wrong, Mikey?

I’ve never seen you in here on a weeknight, for one thing.

An’ I thought you an’ Tommy were going away for a few days. ”

Mike leaned forward, elbows on the bar, and counted off on his fingers.

“One, I haven’t had nearly enough. Trust me on that.

Two, I’m in here ’cause I’ve spent the last two nights drinkin’ alone an’ I’ve had enough of my own sorry ass for comp’ny.

And three, Tommy is the reason for my drinkin’ in the first place.

” He held up the empty glass. “So don’t make me climb over that bar and beat you, Kev. Pour me a drink.”

Kevin contemplated him in silence for a moment and then nodded. He picked up the bottle and poured out a measure. “We’re almost done for the night. You wanna hang around and talk when everyone’s gone?”

Mike snorted. “Talkin’ about this whole fucked-up mess is the last thing I wanna do. But I guess you deserve to know what’s goin’ on, after puttin’ up with me whinin’ all night.”

Kevin’s expression softened. “Dude, you haven’t whined once, but you have worried the hell out of me. So drink that—slowly, mind—and we can talk later.” He walked off to serve another customer, leaving Mike to gaze into the dark amber liquid.

Staring at his own four walls had grown too stultifying.

It didn’t help that he kept seeing Tommy in his bed, in the shower, at the dining table—hell, that boy was everywhere.

When it all got too much, Mike grabbed his keys and left the house.

Although he might have to take a cab home.

He didn’t dare risk driving in his state.

His head started to pound, and the bourbon lost its attractiveness.

Mike leaned over until his forehead touched his crossed forearms on the bar, and closed his eyes.

This wasn’t him. Mike Scott did not let a guy get to him like this.

Dirk had left him pretty messed up, and Mike had sworn that was the last time, but here he was, head over heels in love.

How’d Tommy get in so goddamn fast?

Mike knew how love could be. He’d seen guys meet one night at the bar, and the next weekend one of them was turning up at the other’s place with a U-Haul.

He knew couples who’d begun their relationship after a matter of days, that were still together decades later.

Conversely, he’d watched many a relationship fall apart, even when everyone who knew the guys had felt sure this was it, love with a capital L.

Mike knew the truth. Love was a fickle bitch. Love was sneaky, devious, and had a mind of her own. The last thing he’d expected was to find himself ensnared in her tangled web again, hooked and pulled in by a fresh-faced, beautiful soul like Tommy. He just hadn’t seen it coming.

It was something of a shock to realize the bar had gone quiet.

Mike looked up to find the place had emptied. Patrick was busy wiping down the bar and tables, and Kevin was collecting the last of the glasses. The pain in Mike’s head had eased down a notch or two, and he slipped off his stool to stand on unsteady legs.

“I’m gonna go, guys.”

Kevin was at his side in an instant. “Oh no, you’re not. Patrick is gonna make us some coffee, and you are gonna sit there and tell us what’s going on.” Patrick nodded from behind the bar and headed back in search of coffee.

Mike sighed. Like he’d expected anything else.

One cup of coffee later and he’d told them everything. Kevin’s face was a picture of misery, and Patrick looked glum.

“So what happens now?” Kevin asked him. “You’re not just gonna walk away, right? I mean, you love him, don’t ya?”

Mike stared at his empty coffee cup. “Yeah, I love him. I just need to figure out what my next move is.”

Patrick grabbed his arm and gaped at him. “I’ll tell you what your next move is. You quit feeling sorry for yourself and drinking like a fish, and you talk to him. You call him, and you keep calling him until he answers the fucking phone!”

Mike lifted his eyebrows at the outburst. “Hey, don’t hold back, Patrick. Say what you feel.” He gave his fellow bartender a wry smile.

Patrick shook his head, scowling. “I’m serious, Mike.

That boy loves you. The age difference don’t matter, your porn career don’t matter, but he does.

So you’d better fight for him, with everything you’ve got.

An’ you don’t quit until you’re certain you’ve done everything you possibly could. Is that clear?”

“Crystal.” Mike rose to his feet, and Patrick copied him. He pulled Mike into a fierce hug and then released him with a huff. Mike patted his cheek. “Thank you.”

Kevin eyed him keenly. “You’re not thinking of driving that truck, are ya?”

Mike shook his head. “I’ll call a cab and come by later to pick it up.

” He paused, regarding his two friends. “And I will call him. I promise. As soon as it’s daylight and I know he’s awake.

” It was Wednesday but only just, and enough time had passed to ease the severity of Tommy’s emotions—he hoped.

It was Kevin’s turn to give Mike a brief hug. “I hope it works for you two. I really do.” He patted Mike on the butt. “Now go home and get some sleep.” He grinned. “Us working dudes gotta finish up so we can grab some sleep too.”

Mike picked up his jacket from the stool next to him and pulled his phone from his pocket.

He scrolled through to find the cab firm he usually used and called to order a taxi.

Outside the bar, the early morning air was cool enough to feel refreshing against his slightly aching head.

He stood at the curb, watching the steady passage of cars and trucks past the bar, even at this early hour.

Sleep had been elusive the last few nights, and Mike was hoping to crash for a while at least.

Then it would be time to call Tommy and see if they could sort out this mess.

Tommy peered into the cabinets, but there was no sign of any hot chocolate.

There wasn’t much in them at all, actually.

Ben tended to grab food from the family kitchen if he was hungry, but Tommy kept a supply of energy bars downstairs for between meals.

He knew he was welcome in the family kitchen, but raiding those cabinets felt like too much of an intrusion.

Except this was his third night of not sleeping so good, and he had the idea that hot chocolate might help.

Nothing to do but to go upstairs. Ben was home for once.

Tommy’d had the notion that his roomie might have made the most of spring break, but Ben had seemed reluctant to go out to his usual clubs.

He crept upstairs as quietly as he could, given that it was past one in the morning, and into the darkened kitchen.

The light above the range hood was plenty enough for his purposes.

Tommy reached into the cabinet to take out the container of hot chocolate.

He figured heating milk on the stove was quieter than using the microwave.

He leaned against the countertop, waiting for the milk to reach its temperature.

Is it too much to ask for a few hours of interrupted sleep? Apparently so. Tommy had stopped looking in the bathroom mirror when the dark smudges under his eyes grew darker still.

“Can’t sleep, sweetheart?”

He gave a start when Caroline’s quiet voice broke through his reflections. She stood in the doorway, dressed in her satin pajamas and robe pulled tight around her slim waist.

Tommy shook his head. “Thought this might help. Did I wake you? I’m sorry.”

She walked over to him and put her arm around his waist. Caroline’s head only reached his shoulder. “You didn’t wake me, hon.” She peered into the pan. “If I add some more milk, could you make me a cup too? Seems like we both had the same idea.”

“Sure.” Tommy crossed the room to the huge refrigerator and got out the milk while she spooned hot chocolate into another cup.

She came to stand at his side, leaning against him. “You haven’t said a word to me since Sunday. In fact, I’ve hardly seen you.” He could hear the quiet reproach in her voice.

“I’m sorry,” he said at last. “But to tell the truth, I’ve hardly spoken with Ben either.

Just wasn’t in the mood, I guess.” He switched off the stove and poured hot milk onto the brown powder, stirring as he did so.

When he was done, he handed her a cup and then rinsed the saucepan under the faucet.

“Wanna talk about it now?” Caroline sat at the table, her eyes focused on him. “You never know. It might help sort out your thinking.”

Tommy joined her and sagged into the chair.

“That’s just it. I don’t know what to think.

This business has me turned inside out.” At least the numbness had passed, only to be replaced by brief flashes of rage when he thought about how Mike had kept hidden such a huge part of his life.

When the rage had dissipated, all that remained was doubt.

Is it me? Did I bring this on myself?

He’d thought of little else the last few days.

“I can understand finding out Mike is a porn star might upset you,” Caroline began.

“Ya think?” Tommy shook his head. “Ever since I was old enough to listen, my parents spoke of the evils of the world, an’ porn was right up there at the top of the list. An’ I listened but good.

You prob’ly think it’s strange to find a guy who’s nearly twenty who’s never watched a minute of porn in his entire life, up until Ben showed me… well, never mind what he showed me.”

Caroline covered his larger hand with her more dainty one. “Not strange, sugar, refreshing. There’s too little innocence out there these days. I’m just sorry you had to lose yours like that.”

“Well, it’s over now,” Tommy said with a heavy heart. His tears had passed. It had taken until that morning for him to realize what he was feeling was grief. He was mourning the loss of Mike from his life, because he couldn’t see a way back for them, not after this.

He sipped his hot chocolate, wincing when it burned his tongue. It took a moment or two to register that the quality of the silence had altered. He glanced across at Caroline, to find her staring at him with a mixture of sympathy and incredulity.

“What is it?” he asked her.

She gazed at him steadily and then sighed. “Sweetheart, you have to talk to Mike.”

Tommy had never been so still. “Why?” he whispered. “Give me one good reason why I should ever speak to him again.”

Her eyes were kind. “Because you need closure, honey.”

The tears he’d sworn were finished caught on his lashes. “Uh-uh.”

She nodded. “Trust me, darlin’, it’s better to hurt a little more at the beginning than to hurt a whole lot more at the end, with no answers.” She stroked his cheek. “Baby, you need answers. You have to talk to him.”

Tommy shivered. “Really?”

Caroline’s eyes sparkled as tears welled up. “Oh, Tommy, I know right now it’s the last thing you want to think of, but I know what I’m talking about. I’ve been around a lot longer than you. Has he tried calling you?”

Tommy nodded. “An’ texts. It got to the point where I just switched off my phone.”

Her fingers laced with his. “Then turn it back on and wait for him to call again. Only this time, answer it.” Those fingers tightened.

“Besides, you can’t just switch off your feelings like that.

And you do have feelings for Mike. That much is obvious.

” She tilted her head. “You wanna know something? Right up until the point where I found out he’d lied to you?

I liked that man.” She held up her hands.

“Okay, I admit when I first saw him I was a tad worried about his age. But then I got to know him a little over lunch. More importantly, I watched the two of you.”

Tommy swallowed. “And?”

Caroline’s expression was warm. “I liked the way he was with you, the way he looked at you. This is why you need to talk to him. I don’t care how this started out between you two, whether it was just sex, whatever…. That man cares deeply for you.”

Pain surged through him, sharp and acute. “An’ yet he wasn’t truthful with me.” He knew she was right, of course. He needed to hear what Mike had to say, but the thought of seeing him, being close to him…. Whichever way he looked at it, that conversation was going to hurt plenty.

“Go back to bed, Tommy, and try to get some sleep.” Caroline stroked his hair.

“Things always have a way of looking better in the light of day.” She rose to her feet and held her arms wide.

Tommy didn’t hesitate. He stepped into them and was enveloped in a tight hug.

“Lord, but you’re big,” she said with a chuckle. “I can barely get my arms around you.”

Tommy smiled in spite of his sore heart. “Thank you for listening.”

Caroline craned her neck to look him in the eye. “You’re welcome, sugar. Anytime.” She gently patted his cheek. “Now get.” She grinned. “And thank you for the hot chocolate.”

He nodded, and she released him. Tommy made his way through the quiet house to the staircase that led to the basement. Once he was on the couch, curled up under his blankets, the lamp extinguished and the apartment in darkness, he went over Caroline’s words in his head.

Tommy didn’t have a clue what he was going to say to Mike when they eventually got to talking.

It would have been easier if his emotions weren’t so tangled up.

Betrayal, hurt, anguish…. He’d spent a couple of days at the mercy of one strong emotion or another, until he was exhausted.

But what hurt most was the knowledge that he’d lost the man he loved, his first lover—the man he hoped would be his first and last.