First

Chapter 26

Chapter Twenty-Six

Mike parked the truck, switched off the engine, and took a long, deep breath as he stared at the Wellington family home. His stomach churned, and his hands were clammy.

Mike had never been this scared in his entire life.

He’d slept like the dead for about eight hours, which was probably the result of too much alcohol and not enough sleep for a few nights.

After a hot shower, lots of coffee, and toast, he was feeling more human again.

Nervous but human. And sick ’n’ tired of doing nothing but wait. So there was only one thing left to do.

He got out of the truck and approached the front door, wiping his palms on his jeans.

He’d parked behind Tommy’s truck, so there was a good chance of finding him there.

At least Mike hoped he was, now that he’d finally found the nerve to get up off his ass and do something.

He took one last lung-filling breath and rang the doorbell.

A moment later the door opened and Caroline stood there, looking unsurprised to see him. “I thought you might be along at some point. Come on in.” She stepped to one side to allow him entrance. “Tommy’s in the kitchen. We’ve just finished lunch. Have you eaten?”

“I had some toast this morning. About all I could manage, but then I’ve not had much of an appetite lately.”

Caroline turned to lead the way into the kitchen, but Mike stopped her with a hand to her arm.

“I know you probably don’t want me to be here, but—”

“Tommy needs to talk to you, so it doesn’t matter if I want you here or not,” she said quickly, pulling away. “But I will say this. That boy is hurting, so don’t you come here with any ideas about assuaging your own feelings of guilt. You have to do what you can to ease his pain. You got me?”

Fuck. “And what makes you think Tommy’s the only one in pain right now?” he blurted out.

Caroline gazed at him, and Mike could’ve sworn he saw a flash of sympathy in her eyes.

“Yeah, I thought as much. So why don’t you take Tommy downstairs where you can talk without being disturbed? Ben’s gone into Atlanta.”

Mike gave her a grateful nod. “Thank you.”

She dipped her chin once and then went along the hall into the kitchen. He could hear the soft murmuring of voices, and for a few seconds panic raced through him. Suppose Tommy doesn’t want to see me after all? Suppose—

“Hey.”

Tommy was there, in the hallway, his face pale, eyes dull, hands shoved into his jeans pockets. The sight of him knifed into Mike, stealing his breath and making his heart quake.

“Hi.” Now that he was standing there with Tommy, his resolve decided to take a hike. “Thanks for seeing me.”

Tommy gestured with a flick of his head. “Let’s go where we can talk, okay?” He opened a door. “After you.”

Mike filed past him, conscious of the smell of freshly washed hair and Tommy’s familiar scent.

At the foot of the stairs he pushed open a door and found himself in an apartment.

He could see a living room area, a little kitchen on one side, and a couple of doors leading off from the main floor.

He recognized the couch instantly, and the memory of that night hit him forcibly.

Was that only just over a week ago? He walked over there and waited for Tommy to join him.

“Do you want somethin’ to drink?” Tommy inquired.

“Some water would be good.” Mike was suddenly aware of his dry mouth.

He sat down while Tommy fetched two glasses of water.

He handed one to Mike and then sat at the other end of the couch, his back rigid.

Mike found himself mimicking Tommy’s posture.

The silence that fell between them was almost tangible.

Well, one of us had better break the ice.

“Why didn’t you tell me, Mike?”

Tommy stared at him, and fuck, the pain in those green eyes cut Mike to the bone.

Mike took a drink of cool water and placed his glass on the coffee table in front of him. “I was going to tell you this week,” he began, keeping his voice low.

Tommy said nothing, but those eyes never left Mike.

“Look, I put off telling you because I’ve had relationships in the past where as soon as they found out about the porn, they were outta there.”

Tommy’s eyes widened. “An’ right now, I don’t blame ’em.” He winced. “Porn? Mike, have you any idea how that makes me feel? You… you have sex with guys for a living?”

All Mike could do was nod.

Tommy pressed his lips together, his gaze locked on Mike. “How long? Just how long have you been doin’ this? An’ how in the world did you get into this in the first place? ’Cause it’s not exactly a career choice that’s discussed at high school, is it?” His chest heaved, and his breathing quickened.

“Remember I told you I worked at Backstreet?” Tommy nodded, and Mike pushed on.

“I was twenty-three. Well, one night this guy starts hitting on me. He was gorgeous, cute, sexy, and I was flattered because I’d seen him in porn movies.

I couldn’t believe he was even talking to me.

He sat in front of me all night, chatting away, flirting like crazy.

Suddenly there’s this guy next to him—turns out he was a director for a porn studio—and he’s asking me if I wanna do porn. Just like that.”

Tommy nodded. “Go on.”

“I was saving up for a house, so the offer came at a really good time.”

Tommy stared at him. “That was it? You just said yes?”

Mike sighed. “I was twenty-three. I enjoyed having sex. I figured, why not get paid for doing something I loved?” He gave a shrug. “Then I started getting popular. Before long I had an endless supply of shoots and was able to buy this house.”

“I’m guessin’ you still love doin’ it, judgin’ from what I saw on the Internet.” Tommy shifted on the couch, gazing at the glass in his hand.

It took a moment for Tommy’s words to register. “Wait—what?”

Tommy swallowed hard. “It was bad enough when I found out about the… the porn. But watchin’ you on screen, that was….” He shuddered.

“What? Tell me what you were thinking.”

Tommy took a moment before responding. “I… I thought what we had was special. Somethin’ that only we shared.

” He breathed deeply. “I close my eyes sometimes, an’ I can picture you in my mind, the way you look at me when…

when you’re inside me. I can hear the sounds you make, the noises that tell me how much you’re lovin’ it…

.” Tommy closed his eyes for a moment and then opened them to look straight at Mike, his cheeks pink.

“So imagine how I felt when I saw you… makin’ love to someone else, that same look on your face, those same noises, the way you were touchin’ him.

” He shook his head. “It was like a kick to my guts.”

Oh Christ.

Mike felt the blood drain from his face.

“Baby, what we have is special. Why’d you think I’ve waited so long before telling you?

I couldn’t bear the thought of you walking out of my life.

” He left his seat on the couch and knelt on the floor in front of Tommy.

He wanted so badly to touch him, but it felt as if to do so might be a step too far for Tommy right then.

“Tommy, why do you think I’m here? I don’t want to lose you. I… I love you.”

Tommy froze, his eyes locked on Mike. “You love me? A week ago, I’d have been dancin’ on the ceilin’ to hear those words, but now? Mike, you were makin’ love with another guy. Hundreds of guys, for all I know.”

“But that’s not real.” Mike leaned forward, itching to reach out and place his hand on Tommy’s knee.

“I saw it!” Tommy yelled. “There, on the screen.” He lunged to his feet, fists clenched, and began pacing around the couch.

“So don’t you tell me it wasn’t real. I saw how you looked at him!

Like bein’ inside him felt so damn good.

It could’ve been me lying underneath you, me whose ass you were slidin’ into—that’s how real it was!

” His eyes flashed. “An’ how do I know what you’re doin’ in the week when we don’t see each other?

For all I know, you spend every night in a diff’rent guy’s bed.

” He stopped pacing and stood at the back of the couch, his fingers digging into the seat cushion, staring wide eyed at Mike.

“How do I know anything anymore? I just found out you’ve been lyin’ to me ever since we’ve been—”

“Listen to me, baby.”

“Don’t you call me that! I heard you say that to him too.” Tommy bowed his head, his shoulders hunched over. “I don’t know what’s real anymore,” he said in a whisper.

Mike got up from the floor and walked around the couch to where Tommy stood, approaching him slowly, trying not to spook him. He came to a stop next to him, hands by his sides. “Tommy, look at me.” When he got no reaction, he edged closer. “Please, Tommy.”

Slowly, Tommy raised his chin and turned to face him.

Mike lowered his voice. “What we have is real. There is no one in my life but you. You hear me? No one. And it’s been like that since September.

You are all that I want. What you see on that screen is not reality, it’s acting.

Sex on set is not real. You see me acting, with porn actors.

” He held out his hand, palm up, and to his relief Tommy took it.

Mike grasped his hand tightly. “Think about all the emotions an actor portrays on your TV screen or at the movies. You don’t think it’s real, do you?

” Tommy shook his head. “Well, porn is no different. It’s all an act for the camera, so that people watching think we’re really in love, that I’m really lusting after my boss, that I have a thing for my straight best friend, et cetera, et cetera.

I could go on and on, but I’m hoping you get it.

” He clasped his other hand around Tommy’s.

“This is real. This is love. And whatever else you believe, you can take this one to the bank. I fucking love you, Tommy Newsome, and I will do whatever it takes to convince you of that, because I cannot lose you.”

Tommy looked down at their joined hands in silence.

Mike waited, his pulse racing, breath hitching.

Finally Tommy slowly raised his head to gaze at him.

“How do I know what’s real an’ what isn’t, Mike?

I mean, how’d you expect me to tell the diff’rence?

If I can watch you on screen an’ think it’s real, then how do I know that what I see when we’re makin’ love is real? ”

Mike was shocked into stillness. How the fuck do I answer that?

Tommy was watching him and nodding. “You don’t have an answer for that one, huh?”

Mike stared at him, openmouthed, desperately searching for the right words. Tommy let out a sigh that seemed to come from someplace deep inside him.

“That’s okay, ’cause I don’t have an answer either. But it’s somethin’ I need answerin’, if we’re gonna go any further.” He sat forward and touched Mike’s face lightly. “For the record? I love you too, Mike. So you’d better figure it out, ’cause I don’t wanna lose you either.”

Tommy’s words sank in. He loves me. In spite of the uncertain situation, the pain Mike had caused him and the potential for fucking up big time, Tommy loved him.

“You need to go now, y’hear?” Tommy laid his hand on Mike’s arm. “I’ll be here if you need to talk. I’m not goin’ anywhere durin’ spring break. But you got some thinkin’ to do.”

“Did you mean it?” Mike said softly. “That you love me?”

Tommy smiled, the first smile since Sunday lunch. “Yeah, I love you. That’s why I’m not walkin’ away, and that’s not gonna change. But where we go from here is up to you.” He leaned forward and kissed Mike’s cheek.

Mike closed his eyes at the feel of those soft lips against his skin. It’s not over. Thank fuck for that. He opened them and stepped back. “I’ll be in touch soon.”

Tommy walked him to the door that led out of the apartment. “You’d better,” he said with a half smile as he opened the door. Mike moved to step past him and couldn’t resist pulling Tommy into a hug.

“Thank you,” he whispered, his arms wrapped around Tommy’s firm body.

“For what?” Tommy was warm against him, his scent stronger than ever.

“Not walking away.” Mike kissed him on the lips and released him. He left the apartment, his heart feeling lighter for the first time in days.

Tommy was right on the money. He had some thinking to do.

Tommy closed the back door and locked it, his legs trembling. Now that Mike had gone, he surrendered to the nerves that had plagued him throughout the entire conversation. The empty feeling in the pit of his stomach was still there, and his skin was sensitive to the merest touch.

“How’d it go, sugar?” Caroline came into the apartment from the main house.

Tommy dropped onto the couch. “Okay, I guess. Better than I thought it would.”

“I suppose what I’m asking is if the two of you are still together.” She came around the couch to sit next to him.

Tommy leaned back and closed his eyes. “For the moment.” He tried not to think of the alternative. Mike had become such an important part of his life. The thought of losing him sent ice rushing through his veins.

“And is he gonna continue to be a porn star? That’s the million dollar question.”

Tommy opened his eyes to find Caroline watching him, her eyes warm and sympathetic.

“And if the answer is yes, how’d you feel about that?”

Tommy sighed. “I don’t know if he truly understands just how… wrong his career feels to me.” He snorted. “That may well be because I didn’t tell him.”

Caroline stared at him. “Why not?”

“Mostly fear, I guess. What if he chooses porn instead of me? But to be honest, I wouldn’t do that,” Tommy explained earnestly.

“I don’t want him to do anything for me that he wouldn’t do for himself.

If he chooses to quit porn, it has to be his decision.

” He clasped his hands in his lap and gazed at them. “All I can do is wait… and hope.”

“Sweetheart, just how long are you willing to do that for?”

He shrugged. “For as long as it takes. What choice do I have? I love him. He says he loves me, so I have to believe in that.”

“Oh, honey, I hope you’re not setting yourself up for more hurt.” Caroline laid her hand over his. “I mean, does he really love you, or is he just saying that?”

Tommy smiled at her. “I believe him. An’ no, I don’t think I’m headin’ for more hurt. You know why? ’Cause I have faith.”

Caroline’s eyes grew misty. “You know something, Tommy Newsome? You’re a wonderful young man.

You just blow me away with how much you’ve grown since I’ve known you.

And Mike should think himself plain lucky to have you.

” She wiped at her eyes and sniffed. “I only want the best for you, and if what you want is Mike, then I’m behind you.

I hope it all works out for you, because Lord knows, you deserve some happiness. ”

Tommy hoped the Lord was listening, ’cause Mike was all he wanted.