Chapter 5
Bram
Seeing Eddie here throws everything out of balance just as I'm getting used to not having him around.
Okay, maybe I'm not used to not having him around. It's more like I've been telling myself that this was a good decision over and over again while filling my mind with useless things.
But him here—it's the last thing I expect.
It's why I'm so tongue-tied when he confronts me about being away from him. Any other time I would have been able to tell him no that it wasn't him. I could have fibbed a little bit and made him feel okay enough to give me a hug and explain why he popped up.
Instead, he’s gone before I know it, before I can find words.
My heart races at the sight of him turning away from me. He's not crying, not yet. I know him well enough to know that it's coming, though.
Eddie's emotions are always close to the surface. It's one of the many things I love about him. I don't have to try and read him or ask a million questions for him to explain something. It's right there in his expression and the way he acts.
And I've just destroyed him, destroyed the one person that I care about more than anything else.
I chase after him as soon as my brain comes back online. I need to tell him that we're okay. That this isn't what he thinks it is. He needs reassurance.
I'll be damned if he thinks that I don't want him around me.
It's more that I need less of him. I need to have time to assess these feelings. To get past them. Or at least to be better at hiding them.
I don't want him pressured. He shouldn’t feel like he has to be with me for us to remain friends. That's not the case at all.
As I follow him, I see his hand ball something up and throw it in the trash. He dips into the crowd before I can get to him. Rather than continue to track him, I double back to see what he dropped. I suspect it's something important. Something that has to do with his arrival.
The paper sits right on top of the trash. It's a beacon full of answers that I need.
When I unfold it and read through the seven items he has, the rest of my heart shatters.
Oh, my sweet Eddie.
He was coming here to help me. He wanted to know why I had been acting strange all this time. And instead of giving me the space that I forced him to, he knew I would be better off with him around.
Or at least that's what he thought.
Me and my idiot self made him run.
The fact that number six on the list says “make it better” is a balm to my aching soul. I'm not sure what he thought would make it better. Perhaps he sees spending time with me as a way to fix things.
I’ve been known to relax after one of our days together. Would he go into Little space to give me that Daddy time that I crave? Does he know that I even crave it?
Or does he think that I do it out of the kindness of my heart?
I freeze as the idea forms. What if this entire time, Eddie has been catering to me thinking that I'm catering to him? Could this be just some miscommunication?
And if that's the case, does he want me like I want him?
There has to be a reason he followed me across the country when I told him I needed space. Maybe because he needs me as much as I need him.
Did I leave my boy alone when he shouldn't have been?
I panic at the thought. All this could have been prevented if I would’ve just opened my mouth.
It's been hard to find the words. Telling the truth risks everything.
I have to do it though. No matter what happens after this, he needs to know how I feel. If he wants to be with me, then we can work through this. We can overcome our idiot ways of not just talking to one another and hopefully be happy together.
If he doesn't feel the same way, then at least he'll understand where I'm at. I know that Eddie would let me down easy. He wouldn’t mock me or placate me in any way.
Which is how I know that all this has to be just a mess, really.
Knowing that he’s running through town, likely crying, with no place to stay, and no one he knows here, sends a bolt of fear through me.
My Daddy senses go on alert.
I need to find Marian and Link. They'll know people in this town who can help find him. With the way those two are connected, I'm sure that I could be with him again in half an hour or less.
Turning around from my spot by the trash can with the note still clenched in my hand, I search for Santa. It seems silly to do, but that's the best way to look for that man in his crowd.
Link blends in with his holiday coat and hat, however, his husband stands out.
It takes me a few minutes to locate him. He’s surrounded by children at the gazebo in the center of town.
I take off at a jog. As I get closer, I spot Link taking photos on his phone from the side, a soft grin on his face.
At the sound of my footsteps, he turns. "Hey there," he looks past me. "Where did he go?"
I shake my head and frown, clutching the list to my chest.
"There's been an issue. He's run off. I have to find him! I need your help,” I reply breathlessly.
Link's phone shifts from camera to caller mode in a flash. He has it to his ear, and he's muttering out instructions to someone.
Marian must pick up on the tension because he tells the children, "Santa will be right back," and he shuffles over to us. "What's going on?"
I shake my head and whisper, “Eddie ran away. He thinks…” I take a deep breath. “He thinks that I don't want to be around him at all. That I came here to get away from him.”
Marian winces. “That sort of is what you did, though, isn't it?"
I throw my hands up.
"Not really. I'm in love with my best friend and thought I couldn't have him."
Marian tilts his head, "Thought or think? Two very different words.”
"Thought," I reply instantly.
Marian smiles as he points to his husband. “That man right there will have him found in no time. Trust me, he's got everyone in town on that thing. All he has to do is give a short description, and we’ll have your boy back soon.”
I nod at his word choice because whether or not they know it, that's exactly who Eddie is. He's my boy.
Mine.
Marian moves back to the children who are getting restless just as Link hangs up his phone and comes toward me with a frown.
“Well, we found him already. He went straight to the toy store. Mr. Bramble was about to close and saw the crying young man walking up. He decided to stay open and wait for someone to come look for him. He also called around asking if anyone had lost someone and by way of me calling another person…” He waved his hand around.
"You get my point. This whole phone game has worked out in our favor. Let's go."
He throws the hand over his shoulder indicating I should follow him. I do as he says, the two of us weaving through people, dodging greetings left and right. If nothing else, this town is the friendliest place I think I've ever been.
It's amazing, honestly. Eddie would love it here.
No, he will love it here.
I vow to myself to make him feel better, to explain myself fully so that he can enjoy this holiday as well.
With the space in my cabin, there's no reason he should go back home alone. I'm not even sure what I was thinking. He has no one else to spend the holidays with. I left him all alone simply because I was being selfish and an idiot.
I won't make the same mistake again.
The second we reach the street with the toy store, I see the lit-up window amongst the dark shops.
“I got it from here. Thank you.” I clap my hand on Link’s shoulder.
He shakes his head. "It's no problem at all. If you need anything else, let us know. I will text Mr. Bramble to leave the keys with you and tell you the secret spot so long as you promise not to steal any toys later."
I give a soft chuckle.
“I have no need to steal anything, my friend. I could buy out that entire toy store and not even blink.”
Link nods. “Then maybe drop a few bills on the man and get your boy something nice.”
With a wink, he goes back to the crowd as I stride to the door. A bell jingles when I open it. An older gentleman with spectacles leaning on the tip of his nose turns my way.
He gives me a once-over. “He's in the back. The keys go in the fake bucket by the door. I expect you to leave them there and be gone by morning, yes?”
"Yes, sir, and I will leave money for whatever my boy chooses behind as well, please. And a tip.”
"No tip needed, young man. This type of thing seems to happen every year. Whether it's a tourist or a local, someone gets their underwear in a twist."
I smile as he leaves the shop. Then I lock the door behind him. No need for anyone else to stumble in here thinking it's open.
Weaving through the rows of toys, I give myself time to prepare a speech. There’s no room to fuck this up. Eddie is already upset. The wrong words will only make it worse.
He has to understand that this really had nothing to do with him and the way he thinks. I don't despise him or want to be away from him.
I despise this pining feeling that I have, this urge to make him mine when I can’t. Or at least that I thought I couldn't.
The hope I have that he'll accept me and let me be his Daddy is immense.
I don't find him until I get to the back of the store. It's then that everything in me, every piece of my Daddy heart, surges forward.
I drop to my knees at the edge of the play carpet and crawl forward.
"Eddie," I whisper, trying to get his attention.
My sweet boy has curled himself into a ball, a stuffed animal tucked to his chest and a blanket covering only his head. It's not near big enough to cover his whole body. I can see why he would want to hide.
The blanket shakes and the soft whimpers I hear tells me yet another reason why he's hiding. My boy hates crying in front of others.
"Eddie, please come here. I need to talk to you."
He tells me no with a silent rebuttal. The blanket moves with his head, making it clear I’m not welcome.
He’s normally one to talk on and on and on when he's Little. To have him go quiet like this tells me I have truly fucked up.
There's only one thing I can do. I sit on the floor beside him and cross my legs. Taking a deep breath, I begin my story.
“The day I met you is arguably one of the greatest days of my life. Not only did I find someone who would become my best friend, but I found the man that I love.”
His whimpering dies down. It's as if he wants to be able to hear me clearly, so I don't stop.
“I knew the minute we met that you would be special to me. I didn't even know you were Little at the time. Of course I found out later and it all started to make sense. As a Daddy to my core, finding you felt like perfect timing. But then you insisted that we would be the best of friends.
“And I loved it. I have loved every minute that I have gotten to spend time with you. Yet all those minutes added together to make this feeling I have for you more intense. I can’t call it a crush. It's more than that.
“There isn’t a good enough word to describe how I miss you when you're not around and how I think of you all the time. No word does justice to how often I spend contemplating the future you and I could have if only I could get my head out of my ass and admit how I feel about you.”
I take a shaky breath. My chest hurts with every new revelation. It’s like the more I process out loud, the more I realize how deep in my feelings I’ve been.
“And instead of doing any of that, I ran because I thought there was no chance in hell that I would have you any other way than as a friend.
Watching you this summer make new friendships and moon over some baseball player in our city broke me.
I don't want to sit by and watch you be with anyone else.
I don't know that I can. You have always been mine. At least that's how I saw it.
“You showing interest in someone else made it feel like I was just living in some fantasy. Like this dream of mine could never possibly come true. With the holidays, I thought about spending an entire week with you alone and knew I couldn’t.
Because if you didn't feel the same way about me, I couldn't risk blowing up our friendship.
“I managed to fuck it up anyway. I made you cry.
I hate making you cry, Eddie. I think I've done it twice in all our years of friendship.
Both times were on accident. Once because I scared you and another because we watched a movie that I didn't realize was scary.
Those moments shredded me. This time, it's not even an accident.
I intentionally chose to leave you behind.
And when you show up, I couldn't even find the words to be honest with you.”
Tears trickle down my face at the confession.
“Fuck,” I mumble, wiping them away.
As I've been giving my speech, I've been staring out into the store, my gaze bouncing around the different toys. I'm already thinking of what I’m going to buy him, whether he forgives me or not.
It shocks me when I turn to look back at him and find his eyes peeking out from under the blanket. He stares at me, and I smile softly.
“You have always had my heart. Little or big.
Every version of you is mine. I was dumb trying to think I could get past these feelings.
And if you want space, I will give it to you.
But please don't think that I don't want you.
The problem is that I want you too much.
I want to be your Daddy. I want to take care of you.
I want to not spend a single moment away from you for the rest of my life. And that's why I had to leave.”
The thumb between his lips slips out as he pushes himself up. His blanket falls away, revealing hair that has been tugged and pulled until it's standing on all ends.
I want to smile at it because it's so like him. At the same time, I don't dare because whatever he says next is going to lead into whatever comes for us.
Instead of answering me, he crawls forward much like I did.
My boy doesn't speak so much as he climbs into my lap.
His body forms into a ball with his legs curled towards his chest. His mouth moves to my neck, and I feel his lips pressed against my skin.
I don't hesitate to wrap my arms around him as I tip my head to the side to give him more room.
“Eddie?” I question.
Instead of answering me, I feel his mouth suck against my skin. Whether he's marking me or too deep into Little space to care, I'm not sure. I only know that I'm going to soak up this entire interaction and hold on to it. It'll be a core memory for the rest of my life.
It's not until he pulls back and whispers, "Daddy," that I feel a sense of peace move through me.
I am his as much as he is mine. I'll be the best damn Daddy he's ever seen.