Chapter 3
THREE
ASHER
Is this what dying felt like? Because it fucking sucked.
The oxygen got sucked out of the room—hell, off the planet—when Lukas gave me that sympathetic look.
Deep down, I think I knew that he didn’t see me that way, but I was so desperate for him to look at me.
To see me as something more than his dead friend’s little brother. Pain in the ass. Burden. Charity case.
It was obvious that Blue and Jax had been sent by him to check up on me, but at least they didn’t try to hide it.
And fuck it, I let them. I’d been after Lukas to let me film a scene for years.
I could have gone solo or found another studio to film at, but I wouldn’t go anywhere Lukas didn’t approve of.
Because if Lukas didn’t approve, that meant Leo wouldn’t have.
My chest gave another painful squeeze, reminding me how much I missed him.
He’d have found my crush on Lukas hilarious, but he wouldn’t have made fun of me.
Not too badly anyway. And now it felt like the universe was laughing at me because I was in a porn star’s apartment and all I could think about was my dead brother and my broken heart.
I’d cried all over Blue, for fuck’s sake, but now he was flirting with me. Flirting. With me. Asher, the nobody. Asher, the kid brother of the dead guy. Asher, Lukas’s assistant.
“I can request anything?” I cleared my throat and tried again. “Anything at all?”
Blue had one of those smiles that made panties wet and ovaries explode, but since I had neither, my dick got hard because it didn’t care that my heart belonged to Lukas.
My dick had no allegiance. No loyalty. It had abandoned team Lukas and was now firmly team Blue.
Because of a smile. Well, and the promise of what came with it.
“It’s your first time. I want you to be comfortable. I want you to feel like you’re in control. You can even request different scene partners or to not do it at all.”
A phone on the wall rang and Blue got to his feet and answered, then hit a button and hung up. “Jax is here with the food.”
He sat down next to me again, and I glanced at him.
“You’ve filmed with Jax before?” I asked, trying not to think of the way he’d so casually mentioned me not filming at all.
My original motivation had been to do this so Lukas would be forced to see me as an adult, and that hadn’t changed.
Maybe he still didn’t see me as someone desirable.
There was still a chance that this scene could change things for me where Lukas was concerned.
And even if the chance was small, I had to take it.
“Yes,” Blue said. “But that wasn’t really a question.”
“Only once, though. You two were so good. I always thought, well, I hoped, like most people I think, that we’d see more of you two together.”
He shrugged. “Our schedules never really lined up. But look at it this way, now that they have, you get both of us.”
I had a feeling that Blue was full of shit, but there was no way to call him on it. And I’d only asked because I still desperately needed a distraction. The moment my brain was idle, it thought about Lukas, making me relive the humiliation over and over again.
I’d always thought kissing Lukas would unlock something between us. That it would be the key to everything. That our lips would touch and he’d realize what he’d been missing out on.
Instead of magical, it had been mortifying.
Completely underwhelming, if I was being honest. It was no more magical than practicing on your hand.
I loved Lukas though. Thoughts about losing him suffocated me.
They made me feel like death was imminent.
At least I’d get to see Leo again. Fuck.
I sniffled again and sucked in a deep breath.
I could not fall apart again on Blue Davies.
Even though he was gorgeous and kind and smelled like vanilla—well, it was mostly because of those reasons that I couldn’t fall apart on him again. Not if I wanted him to fuck me one day.
A knock on the door saved me from close scrutiny, giving me a chance to swipe the tears out of my eyes and suck in a deep breath as Blue got up to let Jax in.
They shared a quiet greeting, and I didn’t even care that they were whispering about me.
I didn’t have the energy to give a shit about that.
Or anything. I wanted to go home and sleep.
I wanted my dark bedroom and my playlist of Leo’s favorite songs, and I wanted to sleep for a few days.
I wanted to not exist for a little while.
Jax plopped down next to me and totally ignored the way I must have looked. The tear-stained face. The blotchy complexion. I wasn’t a pretty crier.
He pulled food out of the bags and lined it up on Blue’s coffee table.
“For Blue, our resident vegetarian, we have three bean chili and bread sticks. For Asher, who looks like he needs some comfort, I got three cheese mac with bacon. And for me, who needs to not die from his inability to digest cheese, I thought I’d see how the vegetarian half lives and I got the three bean chili and bread sticks too. ”
“You can’t eat cheese?” I opened the container Jax set in front of me. It looked creamy, and they’d been generous with the bacon, which appeared to be real bacon and not those artificial bacon bit things.
“I can, technically. But I shouldn’t. Not if I want to live a comfortable life.” Jax opened his chili and stuck a spoon in, giving it a stir to let the steam out and cool it off a little. “Have you told Blue about all the dirty, nasty, wonderful things you want us to do to you yet?”
I almost choked on my macaroni. Coughing and sputtering, I tried to gain my composure while Blue rubbed my back.
We were really doing this. My heart sped up, going a million miles an hour.
We were really going to sit around and talk about how they wanted to rail me.
I dried a suddenly sweaty palm on my jeans.
“You’re so graceless, Jax,” Blue chided. “But yes, I told him to make a wish list. We hadn’t gotten any farther than that.”
“Oooh, a wish list. Can I make one?” Jax looked at me and let his stare linger. “I can think of a few things I want to do to you.”
Jax’s heated gaze wasn’t helping my food go down any smoother.
“Jax, let him eat before you talk about rearranging his guts,” Blue admonished from the other side of me.
“Sorry. Forgot my manners.” Jax winked at me.
Fucking winked and my stupid dick decided that it liked that too, even though it had been in a coma the whole time I was throwing myself at Lukas.
It was probably too ashamed of my desperation to bother waking up.
But crying on Blue and being winked at by Jax were clearly noteworthy events.
“If you wanted Asher all to yourself, I’d be willing to let that happen. I don’t need the money as much now that I’m out of school and working.”
“Are you insane? You’re absolutely not sitting this one out. I’ve waited for years for another scene with you.” Jax seemed to remember that I was in the room suddenly and he shot me an apologetic smile. “If it’s okay with Asher.”
“It’s fine,” I told him, shifting in my seat to try and get more comfortable without being obvious about the reason why I was uncomfortable. Heat crept up my face, and I tucked my head down, focusing on my food.
How was I supposed to film with these guys who were miles out of my league and my experience level?
I wasn’t a virgin, but I didn’t get out much.
In spite of being surrounded by sex for the past couple of years, I’d had precious little.
At first because I was too sad, and then because I was too fixated on Lukas.
Too hung up on a guy who didn’t even want me.
The bitterness almost made me choke, and I put my food down, suddenly not hungry anymore.
Blue put his food aside too and changed position so he was sitting kind of sideways and could look at Jax and me. Then he pulled me over to him and embraced me.
“What are you doing?” I asked as Blue slid his fingers into my hair.
“I’m cuddling you,” he said. “We’re here to talk about all the delicious things we want to do to you, and you look like someone kicked a puppy.”
God, when was the last time someone fucking hugged me?
I melted into Blue, all the fight going out of me.
I didn’t want to think about Lukas anymore.
Or Leo. Or anything but how nice it felt to have Blue’s arms around me.
He kept stroking his fingers through my hair, and I found myself closing my eyes and just letting him.
“Is there anything you really wanted to have happen?” Blue asked and my brain whirred at a million miles an hour as I tried to think. There were too many decisions to make. Positions. Certain acts. Who was going to go where and do what.
“I—” My heart crawled up into my throat and choked off my air. I floundered, trying to find a way to answer him and coming up empty.
“How about Blue and I ask you some questions and we can narrow it down that way, okay?” Jax’s voice was softer now, and I tried to find it soothing rather than irritating that he felt he needed to be extra careful with me. Even if it wasn’t wrong of him to make that assumption.
I shifted around so I could see Jax when I opened my eyes. “Okay.”
“First off, we all need to be tested before the scene, but what are your thoughts on condoms? We can go bare if you want, or we can use protection if you prefer.” Jax was clearly comfortable taking the lead in the conversation, and it made me feel good to have someone to look to for guidance.
It took some of the pressure off my shoulders.
Did I want to film the scene? Yes. Did I still think it would open a door between Lukas and me? Not especially, but I was still in love. Still desperate. Still fixated on this thing that would probably never happen but that I was compelled to reach for anyway.
“I’ve never gone bare before.”
“Then we’ll use condoms,” Jax stated, but I shook my head.
“I—I’d rather not. Unless you two have any objections.”
Blue nuzzled against my hair, and I turned toward him. “Did you just sniff me?”
“Your hair smells nice. I like your shampoo. And I’m game for going bare if you are. But remember, you don’t have to do any of this if you don’t want to.”
I turned and glared at Blue. Anger suddenly swelled in me as thick as tar. “If you don’t want to film with me, just say that.” I flung the words at him, trying to pull away, but Blue tightened his hold.
“That’s not what I said,” Blue protested, but I could still see the concern in his eyes. The doubt that clung to his expression, pinching it. Flattening his lips and furrowing his brow.
“No, but it’s what you meant.” It was the second time he’d mentioned me being able to back out, as if I wasn’t able to make up my own mind about what I wanted.
“I’m just worried that you’re doing this for the wrong reasons.”
Blue’s confession felt like a slap in the face after all the tears and snot he’d endured before Jax got here.
“I know that I want to do this. Today didn’t change that for me, but if it did for you, then fine.” I tried again to pull away but Blue stilled me once more.
“I’m sorry. Okay? I was just worried about you, but you’re right.” The words rushed out of Blue like he was afraid I’d get up and walk out. “You know what’s right for you better than I do.”
I searched his expression for any sign of deception before letting him tug me close again.
Was I still angry? Yes. But not enough to make me give up the easily offered affection.
Today had been fucking awful, one of the worst days in recent history, and I just wanted to think of anything that wasn’t the expression on Lukas’s face.
“Okay, so.” Jax cleared his throat and ignored the awkward vibe that had fallen over the room. “I know Lukas doesn’t always do storylines for his shoots, but I think it could be fun if we did one.”
“Ooh, what about parole officer and two delinquents?” Blue suggested, humor tinging his voice so I couldn’t tell if he was actually serious or not.
Jax made a face. “I’d rather not, thanks. How about like… honeymooning couple and the cute pool boy?”
“Older stepbrother and his best friend look after the new, younger, cuter, stepbrother,” Blue purred in my ear and I squirmed, which made Jax grin.
“That’s the one.” Jax pulled his phone out and tapped away on the screen for a minute. “Sorry, just making notes so we don’t forget what we discussed. It’s always a good idea to keep some kind of record. Now, what things have you done, haven’t done, and are willing or unwilling to do?”
I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. I was about to lay out my limited sexual history in front of two guys who planned to fuck me one day. I knew I had to be honest with them, but it was hard to admit that compared to them, I might as well be a virgin still.
“How about this? We ask, you answer. Have you had sex before?” Blue asked and I scoffed.
“Yes. I’ve had sex before.” Please don’t ask how many times. I chanted in my head, cursing my body’s sweaty-palm gene.
“Penetrative?” Jax volleyed at me completely unaware of the ways I was dying on the inside. I felt like I was in the world’s most inappropriate job interview.
“Yes, but… I haven’t topped.” Topping was too intimidating. There was too much to remember. Too many steps. Too much pressure. Bottoming was simple. Easy. Enjoyable.
“What about oral?”
My eyes rolled involuntarily. “I’ve given and received oral sex, thank you very much.”
Jax picked up his spoon and held it in front of his mouth like a microphone. “Have you ever eaten ass?” He then stuck the fork in front of my face, keeping the bit going.
“No,” I confessed, barely a whisper, but his pretend mic picked it up and Jax pulled it back to him.
“Have you ever had your ass eaten?”
“Jax, if you stick that spoon in front of me again, I’m going to steal it and use it to scoop out your eyeball.”
He looked at Blue. “Our twink has violent tendencies. Did you know this?”
Blue stroked his fingers through my hair again. “It’s fine. He’s a good boy.”
Oh, holy shit, did my dick like hearing that. I shifted again, which didn’t go unnoticed by Jax, who gave me a knowing smirk.
“Blue has that effect on everyone,” Jax assured me. “Now, back to my question. Have you ever had your ass eaten?”