Chapter 5
FIVE
BLUE
Blue Davies, you’ve gone and done it now, the voice inside my head said to me. You’ve gone and gotten attached. Moron.
My inner voice wasn’t always helpful, but it was usually right. I’d already gotten attached to Asher, who had fallen asleep like ten minutes into whatever show Jax had put on.
Asher snored softly. Pillowed against Jax, I’d taken it upon myself to cuddle up to him.
I had a horrible habit of getting too attached to people too quickly.
It was the reason I didn’t have sex outside of work.
I was already a clingy, tactile person and having sex with people outside of the job had led me to breaking my own heart far too often.
I’d always been like this, but it had only gotten worse after my parents disowned me.
My stomach rolled at that thought, and I shoved it away, focusing instead on the quiet snores coming from Asher.
I wanted to ask Jax if he thought Asher would ever get over Lukas, but it might give away something that I’d rather not be known about me.
My unwillingness to have sex off camera made people think a lot of different things about me, and I didn’t care because all their assumptions kept them from guessing the truth.
The truth was that I was so broken that I fell for people way too easily. I’d tried to be normal, to go on dates and have casual sex, but it was too hard because something in me wanted to cling to them. Even to people I didn’t actually like.
But I liked Asher. And Jax. I’d known Asher for a couple of years, Jax for longer. I knew they were nice guys. I knew that Jax walked around in basketball shorts most of the time and had busted his ass on set to put himself through school.
I hadn’t planned on having them over today or snuggling up with them to watch TV.
I hadn’t planned on it because it wasn’t something I did.
I didn’t bring people to my apartment. I didn’t have them over for dinner and movies.
And I didn’t snuggle on the couch. Not because I didn’t want to do any of those things, but because I already didn’t want Asher to leave.
It would be so much easier if he’d just pick Jax to film his scene with. That way I could give a supportive hug and disappear into the background again. I wasn’t too attached yet. There was still time to put distance between us before it would hurt too much. But I was fucking tired. And lonely.
It had been years since I last tried dating.
Since I had a boyfriend. And it had been a disaster, to put it mildly.
Of course I’d gotten too attached too fast. I knew it about myself, but I tried to keep it under control.
Not that I was able to. Somehow I still ended up being too clingy. Too needy. Too much. Too affectionate.
When he broke up with me, it felt like I was going to die. I couldn’t get out of bed for a week, and it was only because I had a scene to film that I managed. The shoot was a mess, and I still thank my lucky stars that Lukas didn’t write me off.
Instead, he told me to stay the night and let Lara snuggle up in bed with me.
He’d only just gotten her, but everyone loved her already.
The next morning, he made me get out of bed at a proper time.
He made me eat a balanced breakfast, then he asked how many classes I missed and how far behind I was.
Lukas got my shit sorted out. He was more family to me than my own family had ever been.
And Asher was in love with him. He had been for years.
Part of me hated that I knew what Asher was going through because Lukas would never look at him the way he wanted Lukas to look at him.
All that love he felt for Lukas, it would never be returned.
Not the way he wanted it to be. Lukas would put him in front of the camera, and he would watch other men kiss him and touch him and hold him and fuck him, and it wouldn’t change a single thing about how he felt about Asher.
“Popcorn?” Jax nudged me with the bowl.
Asher was still sound asleep. The emotions from the day had obviously caught up to him. But Jax was awake, and aware, because when I chanced a look, he met my gaze with concern. “You okay?”
“Fine.” I grabbed a couple pieces of popcorn and stuffed them into my mouth.
“Because Asher’s not the only one who’s allowed to back out of a shoot, you know. So if for some reason you didn’t want—”
“I do,” I blurted, then grimaced and glanced at Asher, his lips slightly parted and his face turned toward Jax like he was trying to take refuge there, even in his sleep.
“Then you’ll stop trying to talk him out of it?” Jax whispered.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to upset him.” I glanced again at Asher, who looked so peaceful in his sleep. “I didn’t mean to,” I repeated because something inside me made me feel small again. Like I was a kid who’d fucked up and needed to be forgiven but knew I wouldn’t be.
“It’s okay. Just… stop being so nice to him.”
That made me sit up. “What?”
“That came out wrong. I meant like… stop trying to protect him. He has Lukas to be his protector. He needs friends. He needs people who don’t see him as someone who needs their constant worry.”
The air whooshed out of me. “You’re probably right. Lucky for me, friends get to cuddle.” I settled back down against Asher, careful not to jostle him or wake him up.
Jax was quiet for a few minutes, and I knew somehow that he was watching me and Asher and not the show. Hell, I wasn’t watching the show. I had no idea who the people were or what was happening, but I forced myself to stare at the screen anyway.
Ten minutes later, I was no better off. And maybe I was worse off since now I had a fucking hard-on because all I’d been able to think about was Asher and that kiss.
Because I didn’t have sex outside of work, I didn’t kiss outside of work.
And I tried to put a lot of distance between repeats.
Especially when the connection I felt to someone had been strong. Like with Jax.
We had some of the best sex I’d ever had.
I still dreamed about the way it felt when Jax slid inside me.
The safety that had washed over me when he’d wrapped his arms around me.
He’d whispered things in my ear about how beautiful I was, and they didn’t sound scripted.
They sounded sincere. And I’d dodged him ever since because of it.
Pretty words won me over too easily, and back then I’d been working hard to keep myself on track.
To keep up with my studies and keep my rent paid.
I didn’t have time to fight my way through another broken heart.
But lying half on Asher, with Jax nearby, it made me realize how crushingly lonely I was.
I never had people over. Sure I went out and saw friends.
Danced. Drank. Went to work. It wasn’t that I was never around people but I’d put walls between myself and the rest of the world.
They were crumbling now, I realized. Or not even crumbling.
They didn’t have to because I’d opened the door and let Asher and Jax walk through it.
Asher let out a little groan and shifted against me. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep,” he said.
“You weren’t asleep long,” Jax assured him. “Probably half an hour.”
Asher shifted again and I moved away, giving him space.
“I should go,” he said, rubbing his eyes.
“You don’t have to,” I told him, eager for him to change his mind and lie back down. Eager for him to go back to sleep so I could go back to having someone to snuggle against.
“I think I do. It’s been a weird day.”
I got off the couch so Asher could without having to crawl over anybody. “Are you sure?” I asked, shoving my hands in the pockets of my pajama bottoms.
He nodded. “Yeah.”
“You can call me, you know. Or text. Or message me. Whatever. Whenever. If you want.” I shuffled off to the side so he could get past me.
Asher crawled out of the bed and tried to smile at me. “Thanks. I appreciate that.”
I desperately wanted to reach out and hug him.
To make promises I couldn’t keep. But shooting a scene with Jax and me wasn’t going to change how Asher felt about Lukas, no matter how intense the chemistry between us had been.
Even now, it crackled in the air between us.
It was all I could do to stay put and not launch myself at him.
Maybe if he looked a little less sad, I might have.
Asher was in love with Lukas, and he’d need time to get over that.
I’d do the scene with him because it was money and because I said I would and because I wanted to, but that’s where it was going to have to stop.
Asher and Jax were both men I could easily get attached to.
Asher, because he was sweet and vulnerable and it felt like he needed me.
And Jax, because he was smart and devoted and easygoing and his presence always made me feel safe.
Asher slipped into the bathroom and quickly changed back into his clothes. When he came out, he stuffed his feet into his shoes and then glanced back at Jax and me. “See you guys later.”
“Text me if you need anything,” Jax offered and Asher nodded, then slipped out the door, taking all the oxygen with him and leaving behind awkward vibes and nervous energy. “I should get going too, but I’ll help you clean up first.”
“No, it’s fine. It’s already out, so I might as well have a movie marathon myself.” I didn’t want to go lie in my bed all by myself with no memories of company to keep me warm. But if I stayed on the couch, it still smelled like them and… “Yeah, actually, that would be great if you could help.”
I grabbed the bedding off the couch and tossed it over onto the recliner. Jax folded the bed and tucked it away, then rearranged the cushions while I slid the coffee table back.
There. Now it was almost like they were never here. I pasted on a smile and walked Jax to the door. “See you later.”
He looked back at me, his brows pinched together for a second, but then his expression smoothed again and he smiled at me. “I really would’ve stuck around, but I have deadlines.”
“No, no, it’s fine. I have a bunch of things I need to get done. Errands and stuff.”
Jax nodded and shifted in place for a second, then motioned for the door. “I’ll see you around?”
“Yeah.”
Jax waited for another moment, then let himself out.
When the door clicked shut behind him, I let the air whoosh out of my lungs.
It had been a lie. I didn’t have errands to run or things to do, but now that they were gone, my apartment seemed emptier than it had before.
Colder. So I went and changed my clothes and touched up my hair and left my suddenly too-quiet-for-comfort apartment.
Once upon a time, Lukas had told me that isolating myself wasn’t the cure to my problem.
That I needed to find people I was comfortable opening up to.
I knew he was right when he said it, and I still knew he was right, but that didn’t mean I was going to do it.
Even if I wanted to. And sometimes I wanted to, but I was too scared to think about what that meant.
Now, for whatever reason, I found myself at River’s door.
River was another model and, other than Lukas, he was the only one who I knew I could go to when I was struggling.
River and I had never filmed together. He was aesthetically pleasing, but he felt too much like family to me.
River also knew of my attachment issues, and even if he never brought them up to me, he’d always made me feel supported. Feel seen.
The door swung open, and River answered with a soft smile. “You’re far from home.” He stepped aside and let me in. “Go get comfy and I’ll be right in.”
I stepped out of my shoes and made a beeline for River’s bedroom. I stripped down to my briefs, then crawled into bed. A few minutes later, he joined me, but instead of lying down with me, he sat up next to me and patted his lap until I shifted over and pillowed my head on his legs.
“You haven’t done this in a while,” River said as he started to comb his fingers through my hair to soothe me. “Everything okay?”
I let out a deep sigh. “I’ll let you know.”