Chapter 6
SIX
ASHER
“How many of those are you going to drink?” Bentley asked me as he gave me a top-up.
“As many as I need to. I don’t want to go home.”
“So go to Lukas’s. You basically live there anyway.”
When I didn’t respond to that, understanding swept across Bentley’s face. “Ash, what happened?”
As my only non-porn-making friend, Bentley had the special honor of being the friend I told all my troubles to.
Because he didn’t know any of the guys, he was a safe space for me to vent my frustrations, most of which had been centered around Lukas and how in love with him I was.
So now that I’d put myself out there and had been soundly and swiftly rejected, I’d have to tell Bentley how it went.
“I think you know.” I couldn’t meet his eyes so I stared into my coffee instead.
Bentley pulled the late shift at Bennett’s diner.
It wasn’t an all-night place, but Bentley offered to take the last shift after one of the girls had a creepy encounter with a guy lurking in the parking lot.
Thank God they served decaf, or I was never going to sleep again with how many cups of coffee I’d consumed.
Bentley put the coffee pot back and returned with a slice of apple pie and two forks. He kept one fork for himself and took a forkful of pie. “Spill.”
Taking the other fork, I looked up at him. “You know, a good friend would have served ice cream.”
“A good friend isn’t charging you for the pie. Now tell me what happened.”
“What do you think?” I couldn’t say the words. The sting of rejection clutched at my throat, squeezing it whenever I tried to talk about what happened.
“Ash.” Bentley let out a sigh, and I knew what he was thinking.
We’d argued about this a few times over the past year.
Bentley was convinced that I loved Lukas, but not in the way I thought I loved him.
It was his opinion that I loved Lukas like a brother.
Like family. Like, when I’d lost Leo, and Lukas had been there for me making sure I was okay, that my brain and my heart had gotten very confused about all the different things I was feeling, and I’d somehow convinced myself that I was in love with him.
And it was my opinion that Bentley was an idiot who didn’t know what he was talking about.
“I kissed him.” I kissed him and it was underwhelming and awful.
It was like kissing my hand. It should have been magical.
It should have been different. Better. In my head, it was better.
In my head, it was magical and life-changing.
But in a good way. Not like this. I could never go back to Lukas’s.
There was no way I could face him knowing that I’d handed him my heart and he’d shoved it back at me.
Bentley let out a sigh and took another bite of pie. “And it didn’t go well.” Not a question.
“He—” I couldn’t make myself tell the story. Humiliation made my skin hot and itchy. I wanted to hide from everyone so that’s what I’d been doing ever since I left Blue’s apartment. “It didn’t go well.”
“For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.”
“You can say I told you so. Because you did.”
Bentley shrugged and nudged the plate closer to me, prompting me to take another bite of the pie. “I’m not happy that you’re hurting. When did this happen?”
“Three, no, four days ago. I’ve been doing all my work remotely.
Our only communication has been through emails and text messages.
Maybe I should get a different job? Or go back to school or something.
Leo would be pissed that I didn’t go to college.
” But Leo was dead. He’d been my everything.
My brother and protector. My best friend. And then one day, he’d just…
My phone buzzed on the counter and pulled my attention away from thoughts of Leo. Bentley snatched my phone and read the incoming message.
“It’s from Jax. He wants to know what you’re doing.”
I reached for my phone, but Bentley spun away. “I’m going to tell him that you’re moping.”
“Ben… nooo.” I whined, suddenly and eternally regretful that he knew my unlock code.
“Too late. I told him that you’re sad and need a shoulder to cry on.”
“I think I hate you. Despise. Loathe. Abhor.”
“You forgot detest.” Bentley came back and placed my phone in front of me. “Relax, Ash. All I told him was where you are. He wanted to come check on you, wanted to know if you were home.”
“You hate me,” I grumbled, pulling the pie closer. “Haters can get their own pie.”
“I don’t hate you. I hate that you’re hurting. Those are two different things.” Bentley looked like he wanted to say something but bit it down instead. Which only made me need to know what was on his mind.
“You can tell me what you’re thinking, you know. I won’t break.”
He sighed. “Okay, so I’m not happy you’re sad, but I think this might be a good thing.”
When I recoiled, he reached for me. He put his hand on my arm and looked me in the eyes.
“Hear me out, okay. You’ve been hung up on Lukas for so long that you’ve shut yourself out to a lot of people and a lot of experiences.
And I get it, okay. Lukas is important to you, and he always will be.
Just not in the way you wanted him to be.
But I know for a fact there’s a lot of guys who would die for your attention.
Maybe now that you’ve put yourself out there and know for certain that it can’t happen, you’ll be more open to other possibilities. ”
The whole time Bentley talked, his thumb slid back and forth over the same spot on my arm.
“It’s okay to admit that you love me, Bentley. I know you’ve been waiting to shoot your shot with me.”
Bentley scowled. Not a real scowl, though. “You’re a pain in the ass. Don’t think for a second that I missed that deflection.”
The bells on the front door chimed, and I turned my head to see Jax walk in. Bentley motioned to me. “Get him out of my diner. He’s loitering here, drinking all my decaf and eating free pie. He needs fresh air.”
Jax flashed Bentley a smile, but when he looked at me, his smile seemed like it was wider. Like it sparkled. Jax moved closer and looped his arm around my shoulders.
“Come on, Ashy, you heard the man.”
I tried to shrug Jax off, but he was persistent. “I’m fine where I am.”
“That stool is molded to the shape of your ass. Other customers will never be able to sit there again. You’re ruining the furniture.”
I shook my head, but slid off the stool and let Jax steer me toward the door. “I hate you both.”
“You don’t,” Bentley responded. “See you later. Call me.”
“I’m never calling you again.”
He blew me kisses, knowing how unserious I was.
The fresh air hit me like a hammer, the scent of rain thick in the air. When had it rained? How long had I been inside? What time was it?
“Blue and I have been worried about you,” Jax said, steering me away from the parking lot.
“I’m fine,” I said, wishing I could believe it. More than hurt, I was mortified. Had I really thought Lukas would have the same feelings for me that I had for him? Part of me wanted to say yes, but I couldn’t seem to make myself.
Jax moved closer to me. Our arms brushed against each other as we walked. The warmth from his body radiated outward, and I found myself wanting to snuggle in against him and make him share it with me.
“Did you want to try that again?” Jax asked. “Because it’s okay to not be okay.”
I let out a scoff. “I promise it’s not serious. I’ll get over it.” Besides, Jax had my number. At any point in the last few days, he could have called me. He could have checked up on me before now if he was concerned.
I stopped in my tracks, which made Jax stop and look at me. I could see the worry in his expression, and the curiosity. “What’s wrong?” he asked.
“Did Lukas ask you to check on me?” As much as I wanted to appreciate the thought, the idea that Jax had only sought me out because Lukas told him to was enough to make me want to bring up every last ounce of coffee I’d drank.
Jax rolled his eyes. “Lukas only directs what I do when the camera is rolling.”
The urge to be sick passed as quickly as it came. I nodded and started walking again. Jax fell into step next to me, and we were silent for a few minutes. Then he let out a deep sigh.
“He did ask me to check up on you the other day, but it was right after it happened. He just wanted to make sure you were okay.”
I stopped and stared at Jax, feeling like I’d just been slapped. “So the other day with you and Blue. You were told to check on me.”
I tried to walk away, but Jax stepped in my way and grabbed me by my upper arms. “Asher, yes, he asked us to check on you, but that’s not why we did. And that’s not why I’m here now.”
“Why are you here now?” I asked, trying to shake him loose again, but it only made Jax pull me in closer. “You did your job. I’m fine. You can go now.”
My heart slammed against my ribs and Jax’s proximity to me, the grip he had on my arms, the way he looked at me with all his focus, all his attention, it made me want things.
Like his mouth on mine. I wanted him to kiss me dizzy.
Kiss me until I couldn’t think of Lukas or how stupid I’d been. Or how much that wound still hurt.
“I don’t want to go,” he said, his mouth somehow closer to mine. And then I realized we were on a street. In public.
“Jax…” I glanced around and he got my hint, suddenly pulling away from me. Holy fuck, did that suck. It was like the sun going behind a cloud.
“Let me walk you to your car,” he said after a second and when I nodded, he gifted me with a dazzling smile.
I fell into step next to him, and we didn’t talk at all on the way back to my car. I’d parked in a small parking lot just down the street from the diner. Jax’s car was parked there too, I realized as he escorted me to my car.
I stopped at the driver’s side door but didn’t reach for my keys. I didn’t want to leave. I didn’t want to go home where there was no one to be with. I didn’t want to leave Jax’s company. I didn’t want to be alone, but I didn’t know how to say that to someone.
Ever since Leo died, I hated being alone.
I could manage it, but I didn’t like it.
I hated cooking for one. I hated eating by myself.
And I hated that I’d fucked things up with Lukas because he was used to me coming over at random times and staying until I was too tired to drive.
If he saw through me, he had the decency not to call me on it.
And there was that worried look on Jax’s face again.
“You okay?”
“I’m—”
“Don’t say you’re fine if you’re not.” Jax moved closer, practically trapping me against my car. He was taller than me, and I had to look up at him to meet his gaze.
I’d be better if he kissed me. I’d be better if I had something to think about besides my empty apartment. I’d be better if I could make the words come out and confess that I didn’t want to be alone.
“I’m just wondering if you’re here because you want to be or because Lukas asked you to be.”
Jax reached for me and cupped my face. “What do you think?” he asked, and then his mouth was on mine and it was just as soft as I remembered it.
He drew me closer and deepened the kiss, and the longer it went, the more it was like the kiss from the screen test. Sweet and exploring.
He wasn’t pushing for more. He was kissing me like he wanted it to last for hours.
When he pulled away, his thumb brushed against my lips.
“I think that I should get going,” I said in spite of part of me not wanting to leave.
It was clear from that kiss that Jax was attracted to me, but in a workplace kind of way.
In a way that would help us get the job done but nothing more.
He’d kissed me exactly the way he had at the screen test, and though it was good, great even, arousing, toe-curling, dick-hardening—it was still just pretend to him.
Jax took a step back, looking troubled about something, but I wasn’t about to stop and ask what. “Don’t think you’re getting away that easy, Ashy.”
Before I could try and decipher his statement, Jax spoke again. “I’m going to text you and you’re going to text me back, okay? Because that’s what friends do.”
Friends. Right.
I pulled my keys out of my pocket and hit the button to unlock my car.
“Promise me, Ashy.”
“Sure.” I shrugged. Of course he would drive home that he wanted to be friends. He wouldn’t want me to think he actually wanted me. He wouldn’t want something embarrassing to happen like me throwing myself at him. Not that I would. I was still super in love with Lukas.
“Promise me,” Jax pressed as I climbed in my car. He positioned himself in the open door, one hand on the roof, the other hand on the top of my door, and he loomed over me, staring down at me in a way that made me feel small but not in a bad way.
It couldn’t hurt to have more friends, so I caved in and nodded. “I promise.”
My words made his face light up, and he leaned down and pressed a kiss to my mouth. A quick dusting of his lips against mine and he was gone again.
“Good boy,” he said, and then he went to his car and I had to drive home while thinking about why those two words felt so fucking good to hear.