Chapter 13
THIRTEEN
JAX
It was like Ash slammed a door between us, locked it, and threw away the key. I’d expected nothing less from Blue, who was notorious for the walls he threw up between himself and other people. But one minute, Asher was enjoying himself and the next he’d lit out of there like his ass was on fire.
I couldn’t ask Lukas about it because Asher wasn’t exactly hanging around his house much, not the way he used to. And how did I know this? Because I’d developed a sudden interest in checking in on Lara. You know, being a fan of dogs and all. It was a shit excuse, but Lukas never called me on it.
We were both worried about him, but neither one of us knew what to do about it.
At least Lukas had his secret project to keep him busy.
I’d stopped by earlier and found that he wasn’t home, but instead of doing the sensible thing and leaving, I took Lara for a walk then made myself useful by cleaning up the debris in the back yard that had been scattered by high winds the other night.
I was just finishing piling all the branches and twigs in the fire pit when the back door opened and Lukas stepped out, holding a couple of beers.
“I hope one of those is mine, or I might have to host an intervention for you.” I dusted my hands off on my shorts and joined him on the deck.
“Not that I don’t appreciate it, but what are you doing here, Jax?” Lukas handed me a beer then leaned on the railing of the deck.
“Stopped by. Took your dog for a walk.”
“Against her will, I’m sure.” Lukas smiled down at her as she lowered herself to the deck, her heavy tail sweeping back and forth across the deck boards.
I huffed a laugh and took a sip of the beer. “She would have rather stayed home, but I made her go all the way around the block.”
“Torture.”
Lara thumped her tail on the deck like she was agreeing with Lukas’s assessment of her treatment.
“You still never said why you’re here.”
“Very astute.” I took another sip of my beer. “Heard from Asher lately?”
Lukas shook his head and then shrugged. “He deals with me in emails only. His feelings are still pretty bruised, I think. I hoped that he’d have moved on, you know.
I’m too old for him, and my feelings for him aren’t anything that will change into what he thinks he wants from me.
” Lukas let out a sigh. “I think he just needs more time.”
“Well, he’s shut me out since the end of the scene. I’ve been demoted to receiving email responses too, and only if they have to do with work.”
“He’s young and he’s hurting. He’ll come around.”
I sipped at my beer, not really in agreement with what Lukas said.
Yes, Asher was technically young. He was only twenty, and he was a little messed up.
Anyone with eyes could see that. But if they missed the turmoil in him, then they weren’t paying close enough attention.
They were only seeing what they wanted to see. What they’d decided was already there.
“You’re worried about him,” Lukas said.
“Aren’t you?”
He let out a wry laugh. “I’ve been worried about him for two years. Did I ever tell you how I met Asher?”
“I’ve heard the story, but not from you.”
Lukas was quiet for a minute. The wind had stopped and the gentle rustle of leaves died away like the whole world was holding its breath, waiting for him to tell the story.
“I got the call from Asher when Leo died. They’d watched movies and then gone to bed.
And then next morning, Leo was gone. A number I didn’t recognize popped up on my phone and I almost didn’t answer, but I got this sick kind of feeling, you know.
Like… like doom had found me and was coming at me at a hundred miles an hour.
When I answered, there was this scared, sad, distraught kid on the other line.
” Lukas took a shaky breath and a long pull on his beer.
“Leo had told him that if he ever needed anything, and Leo couldn’t help, or he couldn’t reach Leo, to call me.
But only if it was an emergency. He promised Asher that I’d help him. ”
“Shit.”
“So this scared teenager calls me, tells me Leo won’t wake up, and babbles on about how they said something about the coroner and he didn’t know what was happening and he begged me to help.”
Lukas straightened up and walked over to a deck chair and dropped into it like his legs wouldn’t support him anymore. “I got to the apartment just in time for the coroner to arrive. It felt like they were waiting for me, you know, so he wouldn’t be alone.”
Lukas looked up at me, his eyes full of unshed tears.
“I think he thought that if I showed up, everything would turn out okay. And it didn’t.
He lost Leo. The only person he had. Just…
gone. Even if I felt for him what he does for me, I’m almost twice his age.
I’d never… not ever let anything happen between us. I can’t be the only person he has.”
“But you don’t feel that way for him.”
“No.” He shook his head. “I didn’t before, and now… there’s someone I’ve been seeing. He’s important to me.”
He took a breath and let it out slowly. “Asher is… well, he’s messy. He might always be messy, or it might be something he grows out of. He needs people who won’t give up on him.” Lukas looked up at me.
“I never said I was going to give up on him.” I’d thought about it, though. I didn’t chase after people. I didn’t like feeling as if I wasn’t taking no for an answer. Being somewhere I wasn’t welcome or wanted wasn’t enjoyable, and it was something I tried my best to avoid.
“Good.” Lukas tipped his beer back and drained the rest of it. “River is still tinkering with the footage from your shoot the other day.”
“You’re not editing it?” Lukas didn’t do all of the editing, but I’d just assumed he’d have taken the lead on this project. The soft laugh that puffed out of him surprised me.
“Watching the three of you was great, don’t get me wrong. You were incredible with each other. The chemistry was organic and real, but it was like watching someone rail my little brother. I have never been softer in my life.”
I barked out a laugh. “Well, make sure you don’t tell Asher that. He’ll never recover. Hell, I might not.”
“How do you think I feel?” Lukas chuckled, then wiped his hand down his face. He looked tired and worried.
“I like Asher. I won’t give up on him.” I didn’t have to tell him it was a promise. He understood completely.
“Don’t give up on Blue either.” Lukas shot me a knowing grin. “I’ve seen how you look at him.”
“Good to know my unrequited feelings are on display. Is there a neon sign above my head that blinks heart shapes when I see him?”
“Basically.” Lukas laughed.
“Well, you could always do me a solid and try to talk Asher and Blue into a part two. I’d film with them again.
And again. And again. We’ll even spare you the mental scars, and you can let River take the lead on the whole thing.
You know he’s ready for his own project.
” River had been around for a couple of years, and he still filmed now and again, but his real love was being behind the camera.
Since Lukas’s big retirement from filming, he’d thrown everything into the production end of the business.
I didn’t know when and if I’d ever give up performing, but until I did, I was happy to stick by Lukas.
The adult industry could be a predatory place, and though no one knew the whole story, the rumor was that, once upon a time, Lukas had been a minnow surrounded by sharks.
He ran his ship a lot differently than other places.
Some relied on skeezy tactics to keep models around.
Other places thrived off creating tension between their talent.
Sometimes people were promised a family, a place to belong.
That’s how they lured them in. It wasn’t that they wanted to be in the adult industry.
It was often vulnerable young men who didn’t have the best social safety nets, and they felt like they had no other option.
When you dangled the promise of an instant family in front of them, sometimes it was too good for them to pass up.
I knew Blue didn’t have a great family, and Lukas had been on his own since he was a teenager.
Up until his death, Asher had Leo. River and I were the only ones I could think of off the top of my head who had decent family ties.
My mom was long gone, but River was close with his sister.
I wasn’t sure if she knew what he did for a living, but my dad had known right from the start.
In a lot of ways, my dad was my best friend.
On first glance, Lukas and my dad couldn’t have been more different. Lukas was quieter and far more serious than my dad, but underneath all the little things that set them apart, they were the same underneath. Both of them had big hearts.
“He’ll be okay, you know,” I told Lukas.
“You sound pretty sure of it.”
“You said he was messy. The messy ones are fighters. They have to be. It’s part of the reason they’re messy. Messy people don’t have it easy. If they don’t fight, they don’t survive.”
Lukas’s lips thinned into a flat line. “That’s what worries me.”
I left my spot where I’d been leaning against the railing and pulled a chair over to face Lukas. Dropping down into it, I looked him in the eyes.
“Listen to me. Asher is going to be fine. He’s hurt right now, and I hate to bruise your ego, but I think he’ll be able to get over you before long. I don’t know him well, but I want to. And I already said I wasn’t going to give up on him. He might think he can ghost me, but I won’t let him.”
“I worry about him.” Lukas’s shoulders slumped as he let out a sigh that seemed to deflate him. “Maybe too much.”
“I don’t think it’s too much. I think that you and Ash are probably due for a conversation or four about a lot of things.”
Maybe I was biased, and maybe it was wishful thinking, but I found it hard to believe that someone who kissed me the way Asher did, who looked at me the way he did, who lost himself in me, and in Blue, would stay hung up on Lukas forever.
It seemed unfathomable to me. Like trying to slot pieces from two different puzzles together.
It might have been vanity. It could have been delusion. But for some reason, I found myself genuinely believing that there could be something between Asher and me, if only he’d let me in.
But then again, I’d convinced myself the same thing about Blue, and he’d been icing me out for a lot longer than Asher.
I drank the rest of my beer, then set the empty on the deck next to my feet before catching and holding Lukas’s gaze.
“Talk to him, Lukas.”
“He doesn’t want to listen to me.”
“Then find a way to make him.”
He scoffed. “Have you met him? There’s no making Asher do anything.”
“If he doesn’t want to listen, it’s because he doesn’t trust you to be real with him. Stop trying to be Lukas the protector, or Lukas the boss, or Lukas the stand-in big brother, and be Lukas the friend. Lukas the person.”
“Rich of you to think I’m a person.”
His smile was small and wry, and I slugged him in the shoulder for his comment.
“I’m being serious,” I said, trying to scowl, but he was grinning at me.
“So am I.”
Lara suddenly appeared, shoving her body between us.
“I don’t think she likes it when we fight.” I scratched her between the ears.
“She was protecting me.” Lukas grinned wider at me and wrapped his arms around her. “Weren’t you, girl?”
“Yeah, her and her lightning reflexes. She’d be on my side if I hadn’t taken her for a walk.”
At the mention of the world walk, Lara lowered herself down to the deck and sprawled out, closing her eyes.
Shutting us out, kind of how Asher had. I flicked my gaze back to Lukas and we didn’t have to speak to understand that we both were thinking of Asher, and we were both still clueless on how to help him.