Chapter 12
TWELVE
ASHER
Blue tried to soften the rejection, but it still stung.
It still made me feel stupid for even asking.
For even hoping that he’d want something more to happen.
It was shit of me to be disappointed at a boundary he’d drawn long before he met me, that had nothing to do with me, that I’d known existed. But I’d hoped. Oh, how I’d hoped.
The truth was that since the day I kissed Lukas everything had been upside down in my world, and today was the first day I’d sort of felt normal, like maybe things were going how they were supposed to go. The reality of kissing Lukas had been far, far different than my fantasy.
My fantasy had, of course, been just that—a fantasy.
In my head, before, when I imagined kissing Lukas, I imagined how it would feel.
How I’d light up inside like a Christmas tree.
I thought about the way he’d kiss back with his whole body, hands grappling and maybe he’d pin me to the wall or something so I couldn’t get away.
And the reality had been the equivalent of dreaming of a nice thick sub sandwich all day and then finally getting to sit down to eat, and your mouth is watering and you open the wrapper, and all that’s waiting for you is a piece of stale bread.
Kissing Lukas was like kissing stale bread. It was… well, it wasn’t. It wasn’t special. It wasn’t magical. It wasn’t anything I thought it would be, and I was still pretty tangled up about that because the feelings I had for him hadn’t changed.
But now I had to deal with the reality that kissing Jax and kissing Blue made me feel what I’d expected to when I kissed Lukas.
Jax wrapped an arm around me and pulled me closer, his mouth tracing the shell of my ear. “What do you say, Ashy? Do you want to give him a show?” Jax’s cock was hard and hot against my skin. His touch was gentle and questioning as he slid his hand closer to my dick.
Blue stared at me from the other side of the shower.
I almost hated how fucking beautiful he was.
His platinum hair now dark from the water and plastered to his head.
Rivulets of water traced pathways down his skin that I wanted to follow with my tongue.
And his hand curled around his cock as he stroked it with an overhand grip.
His attractiveness was borderline obscene, and it wasn’t a wonder that I still wanted to sink down to my knees and use my mouth to worship every inch of him.
But he didn’t want me. I shouldn’t take it personally. When the cameras weren’t on, he didn’t want anyone.
Jax’s mouth brought me back to myself so swiftly it was like I fell back into reality, back into my body.
Like I’d been somewhere else the past couple minutes, and I guessed I had been.
Maybe they’d known the whole time that I’d been distracted, but wasn’t now because Blue got a feral sort of grin on his face and then Jax spun me around and pinned me to the wall.
The tile was cold on my back, and I let out a sharp sound in protest, but then Jax was there with his large hands and lube that Lukas kept in the shower for shoots.
And it wasn’t that I had a small dick, I was perfectly average, but Jax had a few inches on me and he had massive hands.
When he wrapped one around my cock, it made me feel small, but not in a bad way.
Small like he could easily protect me. Small like I could hide behind him. Small like I was safe with him.
I’d already come twice, and it shouldn’t have been possible for me to come again, but the familiar tightening of my skin, the hot rush of blood to my core, the way my balls immediately sucked up against my body, hot and tight and ready to explode, almost caught me off-guard.
Jax cupped my chin with his other hand and tipped my head up to make eye contact with him.
The only thing I was currently capable of doing was standing there and letting him do whatever he wanted.
It was as if my brain had gone offline. I wasn’t a virgin, but Jax had a way of looking at me that made me feel like one.
He made my insides all shaky and quivery and fluttery-nervous even now that I’d been with him. Maybe especially now.
Because I knew now what it felt like to have him inside me. And when we were out there and River and Lukas had been watching, it hadn’t really felt like we were filming a porno. It felt real, and that made me kind of upside down, but I’d basically trust-falled my first shoot.
“Please,” I said to Jax, sliding my hands up his body, loving how solid he felt under my touch. I didn’t even know what I was asking for at this point, but maybe they knew. Or maybe it was me asking too much of them, expecting them to know things I didn’t. Or did but couldn’t articulate.
“I got you.” Jax leaned down and kissed me so fucking tenderly I couldn’t breathe. His mouth was pillowy soft against mine, which for some reason made my dick even harder and achier and more ready to explode. From a kiss.
But it wasn’t a normal kiss. It was a kiss that felt like everything.
Jax wrapped his big hand around his cock and my cock at the same time, and he jerked us slowly while he continued to kiss me. I was half drowning in the shower and in him and in the knowledge that Blue was watching, and maybe he was wishing he hadn’t said no.
Blue watching everything made my mind all fuzzy and happy, and that was something I’d sort of known about myself, but never really had proof of.
I liked to be watched. I liked the feeling of people paying attention to me.
And when you were naked, and someone’s hand was on your dick and their tongue was in your mouth, they were going to pay attention to that.
I whimpered against Jax’s mouth, my brain unable to carry all the functions I needed it to. It used all its power to keep me on my feet. I couldn’t kiss, or breathe, or even think as Jax ripped another orgasm out of me.
My chest felt like it might explode, like all the air I’d trapped in there was somehow impossibly expanding. And then all at once, the pressure of my impending orgasm whooshed out of me. I clung to Jax and twitched in his arms as he let out a low chuckle.
“I wonder how many times we could make him come in one day,” Jax mused out loud, still stroking me through my orgasm, using my cum as lube before it got washed down the drain.
“He’d pass out before we got to four. We’re at three now and he’s barely coherent.” Blue’s voice was softer somehow. Sadder maybe. But whatever it was, he was right about one thing. My brain felt like a scrambled egg. But I wasn’t so cum-drunk that I didn’t know what I wanted.
In a motion that I hoped was fluid and sexy, but probably looked a lot less graceful than I pictured it looking, I sank to my knees in front of Jax.
My hands roamed his body, feeling the width of his thighs as I smoothed my hands upward.
I felt the way his muscles tightened when I ran my hands over his stomach.
Fingers brushed the wet hair off my face, and I kept my eyes closed as I leaned in, taking Jax’s cock in hand so I didn’t have to open my eyes again. Everything felt heavy and sort of dreamy and like the world had actually dropped away or was shrouded in fog.
A hand sank into my hair and the head of a cock met my lips, and then I did open my eyes. I stared up at Jax and clung to him, the tips of my fingers digging into his thighs.
“Do it,” I told him. “I want you to.”
Jax, maddeningly, frustratingly, swept more wet hair off my forehead, that small touch doing things to me it had no business doing. Twisting me up in ways that I couldn’t wrap my head around. “Do what, Ashy? Use your words.” Jax’s voice was like a dream, all deep and raspy.
“Fuck my mouth.” The words sounded like they came from someone else, even though I felt my lips move as I spoke. I wasn’t connected to my body all the way. “I want you to.”
My cock tried to rally when Jax let out a groan, but it merely twitched, spent and sated, limp between my legs. But the rest of me still burned with want. Still moaned around Jax’s cock when he slid it into my mouth.
My eyes closed on their own, and I knelt there, hanging on to Jax so I didn’t float away.
He started off slow, sawing in and out of me, the sounds he made filling the bathroom, echoing off the walls and landing heavy against my chest. Jax buried his hands in my hair, cradled my head, and continued his slow but steady thrusts.
“Faster.”
Blue’s voice sent a jolt of heat through me. I hadn’t forgotten he was there, but he’d been a silent observer. Now he was crossing that line and becoming a participant instead.
“Faster, Jax. Really feed it to him. Make him choke. It’s okay. He can take it.”
Blue’s husky voice managed to get my cock to rally, and it chubbed up to half hard.
God. These two could wreck me if they wanted to.
Destroy me. Ruin me for anyone else. For everyone else.
Forever. I was, like, fucking high or something with how light my head was.
My cock was so tired I couldn’t get it up all the way, and I wanted more.
It made me feel slutty and insatiable and that it was okay to be those things because they were here with me, not just encouraging it, but dragging it out of me. Egging it on.
Jax sped up the pace, the sounds of his pleasure filling the space and then there was a brief silence except for the sound of the shower. And then he was coming, thrusting and cursing and sounding like he was coming completely unglued.
He tasted salty but nice, and because he’d already come, he didn’t flood my mouth but simply offered me the barest of tastes of him. It was enough to make me want more. I didn’t know Blue was close until Jax warned me.
“Open your eyes, Ashy. Look at Blue. He’s so hot for you.”
I did as Jax said because there was no way he could be telling the truth, but when I met Blue’s gaze, his eyes blazed with fire. His dick was rock fucking hard, and he bit his lower lip as he fucked his fist fast, almost furious, like he was pissed off that he liked watching me get my face fucked.
I watched his eyes close, and he threw his head back as all the muscles in his neck went stiff and tight.
I wanted to kiss him there. Blue came with a shout, his chest heaving from exertion, similar to how mine was, and all I’d done was kneel in the shower.
My body felt tired and heavy, and all my limbs were like jelly, all wobbly and uncooperative.
I tried to stand but quickly gave up.
“Uh-oh,” Jax said, still with his hands on me. Still petting me and stroking my hair. “I think we broke him.”
“Not dead. Just…tired. Hungry.” I wasn’t sure if lack of food was the reason I felt hollowed out, but it was the only thing I could think of that might fill the void inside me.
“If you get him out of here and into some clothes, I’ll go raid the fridge in the green room,” Blue said.
For a moment, it was nice to be taken care of. It wasn’t like I hadn’t had that. Everyone had really rallied around me after Leo died. They checked on me and made sure I was eating and sleeping. That I was okay for money and food and stuff. But slowly, one by one, everyone drifted away again.
“Lukas will be pissed if he finds out we didn’t take proper care of him,” Blue said and maybe he didn’t mean for his words to hurt, and maybe they shouldn’t have, but they felt like ice picks stabbing into my soul.
Like I was only worth his time or energy because Lukas asked for me to matter to him.
To say that it stung was an understatement.
But I went through the motions if for no other reason than I was too fucking exhausted to argue.
I let Jax pull me to my feet and steer me out of the shower and dry me off.
I managed to pull my own clothes on and when Blue came back a minute later, I pasted on a happy face and stuffed down as much food down as I could manage, which wasn’t much.
I could tell that they knew something was off with me, but I kept my smile going and I ate until a stone had formed in my stomach, preventing another bite from going down.
I needed to make my excuse to leave, tell them I wanted to go home and sleep.
Mostly, though, I wanted to burrow under my blankets like I’d done after Leo died, and I didn’t want to come out.
Maybe ever.
“I’m going to get going,” I told them.
Jax looked at Blue and Blue looked back at him, and between them they had a conversation like that. Subtle shifts of facial expressions. Tightening of mouths and narrowing of gazes. And none of it meant anything to me. It was a conversation that I wasn’t invited to.
“Did you want to come back to my place and watch movies?” Jax asked. Clearly he lost whatever game of rock, paper, scissors they’d played mentally.
“Nah. I’ve got some shit at home to take care of, but I’ll see you guys later.”
“Are you okay?” Blue asked like he cared about the answer.
Maybe he did. I wasn’t being fair, but I didn’t feel like being fair.
Maybe if Lukas had loved me back. Maybe if kissing him had been as good as kissing Jax or Blue.
Maybe if they wanted to be around me for more reasons than easing Lukas’s guilt for hurting my feelings.
Maybe if Lukas wanted me around for reasons that had nothing to do with Leo and how close they’d been.
I’d genuinely started to feel like no one wanted me around for reasons that had to do with me. Lukas only had me around because of Leo, and now Jax and Blue were only being nice because of Lukas. No one seemed to want me around because of me. Their reasons were all connected to someone else.
I dug deep and put on the face that had got me through many bad days after Leo died.
“I’m fine,” I said with a confidence that I didn’t feel. “I’ll see you guys soon. Thanks for today, it was… it was better than I’d imagined.”
“Ash—” Jax started to say something, but I ducked out of the room.
“See you later,” I called out, half hoping one of them would come after me.
No one did.