Chapter 11
ELEVEN
BLUE
Holy fuck, had I needed that. It had been a while since I’d had sex and longer since it had been with two people, and it had practically been an eternity since I’d been with Jax.
I knew that we’d be good together. Our first time had been nothing short of explosive.
It had the kind of magic and chemistry you couldn’t fake.
And this time it had been much the same thing. But better.
Fuck. How had it been better? It was probably the fact that Asher was between us, being the sole focus of our attention at first. Shit.
I was getting hard again. Or was I still hard?
It was difficult to say but easy to excuse with the way I’d smushed myself in behind Asher and wound my arms around him.
We were kind of awkwardly using Jax as a pillow and had we actually made it to one of the bedrooms, we could have been far more comfortable.
I didn’t want to move, but I did want to find a way to better include Jax into the snuggle pile.
Jax was an addiction that was impossible to kick.
He’d practically haunted me since we first met.
Floating around in the back of my mind like a very cheerful ghost, hell-bent on making sure I didn’t forget he existed.
How could I when sometimes he was all I thought about?
Jax was the kind of guy I’d always dreamed of falling for.
Tall. Handsome. Funny. Sweet. He cared about his friends.
He always had the best intentions. And that fucking smile of his.
When he aimed it at me, it was like the sun breaking through clouds.
The presence of Asher should have changed that somehow, or at least made me less aware of Jax, but it was as if his presence made Jax even more like himself than normal. Asher apparently brought something out in him that I hadn’t seen before. Something protective.
I wasn’t stupid. I saw the way Jax looked at him. The way he was torn between wanting to be a good friend and just straight up wanting. They’d be good together too. Jax was a bit older, but that seemed to be a requirement as far as Ash was concerned.
Now that the scene had ended, Lukas left and River went upstairs to deal with the footage, leaving the three of us to sort ourselves out and decompress.
Ash, not so subtly, ground against me. Truthfully, I could easily go again.
And again and again and again. The scene we’d shot was surreal it had gone so well.
Sometimes things didn’t work that way and there were a thousand interruptions.
Position changes. Pauses while someone put a condom on or took one off or had to get hard again.
I’d been through all manner of awkward porn shoots, but the last time I’d been in one this good, this fluid, had been with Jax. That probably said something, but I wasn’t quite ready to confront it just yet.
“Who’s up for a shower?” I asked instead. I ran my hand up Ash’s chest. “I’ll wash all the cum off you. With soap this time.”
“What a gentleman.” Ash laughed. He was quiet for a minute, and I started to think he wasn’t going to answer at all, then he spoke in a soft, vulnerable voice. “I’m not ready for this to be over.”
He clung to me, grabbing on to the arm that I had wrapped around him.
Normally, I’d be out the door before the last drop of cum dried, but I couldn’t force myself away from them.
Jax had been petting me, stroking his hand up and down my arm while he played with Ash’s hair.
It made me feel like he was guarding Ash and me, which was silly.
There was nothing we needed to be guarded from.
I hadn’t been close with Leo, but his love for his little brother and his protectiveness of him was legendary.
I couldn’t find it in myself to basically abandon Ash after his first scene.
Especially when he’d waited for two years for it to happen.
Especially when he’d been extra vulnerable by performing in front of the guy he’d been desperately crushing on.
And there it was. The shadow of Lukas fell over the room again.
Even if I wanted Ash to be interested in me, which I didn’t, he liked older guys.
Guys like Lukas, who was pushing forty. Or Jax, who was pushing thirty.
I was barely twenty-five. Lukas had specifically asked me if I’d be interested in the scene because I was closer to Ash’s age.
None of this surprised me, and it shouldn’t have disappointed me, but it managed to leave a sour taste in my mouth.
One I had no right to mind because I knew all my current problems were of my own making.
Jax had been interested in me once upon a time, and I’d kept him at arm’s length.
We had eventually settled into a friendship that was casual and didn’t need constant contact between us to flourish when we were together.
“If you wash my front, will Jax wash my back?” Asher asked.
“I’ll scrub you top to bottom if you let me,” Jax said.
“Then, yes. I think I’d like a shower. But, oh my God, I don’t know if I can stand.” Asher laughed and I kissed the back of his shoulder, tasting the warmth and the salt of his skin.
“That’s okay,” Jax said, suddenly scooting away from us so he could stand. Then, with an impressive show of strength, he plucked Ash off the couch and hoisted him into his arms in a bridal carry. Ash flung his arms around Jax’s neck and laughed as he turned and started for the bathroom.
They could be so good together. Ash could have his desire for someone older. Jax would have someone to protect. Someone to dote on and care for. Someone who deserved Jax’s undivided attention and his devotion.
Someone who didn’t spend the past three years slamming the door in his face whenever he got too close.
“Blue, get your cute butt in here,” Jax called from down the hallway. “Don’t make me drag you off that couch.”
The sudden sound of water rushing indicated that they’d started the water. They’d probably be fine if I didn’t join. They might not press if I made an excuse and just dipped, but instead of doing the smart thing and leaving, I went down the hall and entered the bathroom.
One thing Lukas didn’t skimp on was the downstairs bathroom renovation.
He’d wanted something large enough to film in.
Something with good lighting and glass shower doors that let me appreciate the view.
Jax had his arms around Asher from behind, and Ash leaned against him like Jax really was the only thing holding him upright.
I still had time to leave. To make an excuse and dip and let the two of them enjoy the afterglow.
But my feet wouldn’t let me walk away, and my mouth wouldn’t let me lie.
So I stepped into the shower. I placed my hands on Ash’s hips and then just leaned in, bent my head, and rested it on his shoulder.
He wasn’t the only one who felt unsteady after our scene.
Though his legs were wobbly and it was my brain that was giving me trouble.
It was arguing with my heart, with every decision I’d ever made that had kept me apart from other people.
People who wanted me. But the reality was that though my heart might not know the difference, my brain had always been aware of all the different ways someone could want you and why most of them were bullshit.
Dangerous lies built on lust. I was used to people wanting me.
The problem was that my heart, the stupid bruised thing in my chest, wanted to fall for men who it had no business falling for.
My stupid heart didn’t know the difference between someone wanting my ass, and someone wanting me.
It saw all attention as the good kind of attention.
Attention meant people cared, but my brain had known better.
My brain knew that some people wanted access to my body without all the bullshit of having to care about me as a person. My brain knew that I could make money off those people and keep myself safe from my own heart and its desperate need to cling to people by following a set of rules.
No fucking outside of shoots. No kissing outside of shoots.
I could cuddle with men. I could hug and cling and be a next-level koala bear, but that’s where the line had to be drawn.
Men who weren’t interested in fucking me on camera seldom wanted to just be cuddle buddies off camera.
I did have a small circle of platonic friends I could cling to when I felt needy, which was a problem that had increased in frequency over the past little while.
Ash’s touch was tentative, like he was worried about scaring me away if he moved too fast. Was I a feral cat or something?
He ran his hands up and down my back, and I just stood there and breathed and let him.
It was like I fell into a trance. The white noise of the water.
Asher’s gentle touch on my back. And the knowledge that Jax was here too.
Were they not so disgustingly perfect for each other, I might have been in more danger.
I might have allowed myself to want them the way I wanted to.
I might have reached for one, or both of them, with more intention.
But Jax was just the kind of guy Ash needed.
Strong and sweet and fucking perfect. And Ash was just kind and a little wounded and maybe not in need of protection, but he brought out the urge in me.
Jax, though, was more than capable of looking out for Ash.
Lukas had also been looking out for Ash.
He had some odd ideas about age gaps, especially when it came to Ash.
I wasn’t sure what his hang-up was, and I didn’t have it in me to dissect it.
I hadn’t even asked questions. Lukas had offered me a chance at the scene and I’d taken it, and when the duo became a trio, it had felt as natural as breathing.
But that didn’t change the fact that I’d been an extra layer of protection between Jax and Ash.
They didn’t need me. Hell, even in the scene, they’d have gotten on just fine without me there.
They might not have needed me, but I wanted them to.
Showering had been a mistake. Cuddling after the scene had been a mistake.
I should have run when I had the chance because now I was in the shower with nowhere to go without tipping them off to the fact that I was spiraling about essentially nothing.
Nothing had changed in the span of a day. Less than. It had only been a couple of hours and yet my heart wanted to tangle itself up in them.
I’d always fallen too hard. Too fast. Gotten too invested.
Too clingy. And nothing I’d done seemed to have made life any easier for me in that regard.
The only thing that had worked so far had been keeping a strict set of rules.
No sex outside of work. If I didn’t give people what they wanted, they didn’t stick around.
If they didn’t stick around, then I wasn’t going to be too hurt because I hadn’t let myself get invested.
Did it work? Sure. Was the loneliness enough to crush me sometimes?
I didn’t want to answer that.
“Blue?” Asher said, his voice a gentle whisper barely heard above the spray of the water. “I know you have rules about, like… things. But when do they kick in?”
I lifted my head and forced myself to look at Asher, who looked so good against Jax. So relaxed and not nervous. So comfortable. Safe.
“Rules about things?”
“About sex not on camera and stuff. And I guess I’m just wondering if I’m allowed to touch you.”
I realized then that Ash had been touching me, but in a friendly way. In a comforting, non-sexual way. And now he wanted to change that, maybe, and he’d asked if it was okay. And it shouldn’t have been a big deal, but for some reason, it was.
I wasn’t sure I could let him. I was painfully aware of how easy it would be to invest all of myself into these two men, and between both of them, if something went bad, there’d be nothing of me left.
But the two of them together…
“No,” I said, the disappointment so thick I nearly choked on it. I stepped back, but stayed close. “But you can touch each other.” It was a small concession, but Jax grinned at me like it was a huge victory when I reached down and wrapped my hand around my cock.
I couldn’t give them myself, but I could give them each other.