Chapter 15 #2
“He wasn’t wrong.” Lukas sounded angry now. And this was before I told him any of the details. He was going to hate me for sure. “So now you can explain to me what you said, and why.”
I didn’t know how to tell him the why of it.
There wasn’t a way for me to explain that I missed Leo and I missed him too, and that everything had felt fucked up since that kiss.
That it was supposed to have been this big moment in my life.
I’d built it up in my head, the magic of it.
And there had been nothing there. No good feelings.
No arousal. No warmth. Just a lingering disappointment that I couldn’t shake.
But I still loved Lukas, and it was so fucking confusing.
I didn’t know how to tell him that kissing Jax and Blue had been what kissing him was supposed to have been for me. That somehow they got all the magic, and there was nothing left for Lukas. And that made me angry.
But I did know how to tell him what I said to Sawyer, so I did.
I gave him the whole disgusting story. Of me seeing him and following him into the cafe for no reason.
Of me launching my attack at him and how nice Sawyer was about the whole thing.
About how his reaction was mostly concern for my relationship with Lukas.
Which, judging from the look of disgust and betrayal on Lukas’s face, was definitely on life support.
And then finding out how Sawyer knew Lukas’s real name and it had never even occurred to me that Lukas wasn’t his real name. That had been the final blow to my fantasy. Sawyer knew things about Lukas that I’d never even thought to ask. There was no magic in that either.
Lukas let out a sigh, and I shrank in on myself, trying to make myself as small as I felt.
“I’m sorry,” I said to him. It didn’t feel like it was enough, though. It felt hollow and empty like the rest of me.
Lukas stood and, to my horror, he motioned for me to stand. Dread swelled, choking me.
“I know I’m probably fired and, like, not welcome here anymore, but—”
“Good grief, Asher. Am I happy with you? Not particularly, but you’re young, you’re going to fuck up.
You’re going to do stupid shit, and that’s why I’ve tried to keep you around.
So I could look out for you and try to keep you from making big dumb mistakes like I did.
Now get over here.” Lukas slung an arm around my shoulders when I managed to move closer to him.
His words were a mercy I didn’t deserve but took anyway.
Lukas steered me over to his desk and sat me down in his chair. He closed out the editing software and pulled up something else.
“What’s this?”
“It’s the book Sawyer has been working on for me. It’s not finished, but it’s finished enough for you to get a first impression of it.”
I looked up at Lukas and blinked. Confused as fuck and unsure what to do about it.
“I want you to sit here and read it,” Lukas said.
I glanced at the screen and made a mental note of the page count before turning back to Lukas. “All of it?”
“Every word.”
“Why?”
“You’ll figure it out.” Lukas pulled out his phone and checked it, then frowned at it. “I’ll be back in two minutes. Start reading.”
I watched Lukas slip from the room and let out a shaky breath. I closed my eyes for a second and tried to center myself. I’d do anything to earn Lukas’s forgiveness, and if he wanted me to sit there and read a million books, that was a price I was willing to pay.
I took a deep breath, wiped my sweaty palms on my pants, and started to read.
I read about his life as a kid. His struggles in school, the cracks he’d slipped through.
The mom who was barely a mom and never when it mattered the most. The dyslexia revelation shook me to my core.
I’d noticed that Lukas liked to handle paperwork alone, and I just always assumed it was so he could give it his undivided attention.
But according to the book, at first, it was so he could struggle through by himself and then eventually, it was so no one would see him using assistive technology.
Lukas was still scared that people would think bad things about him if they knew.
He talked about the older guy who’d recruited him. The contract he’d signed that had locked him in with this guy for far too long with far too many restrictions. The way that Lukas hardly scraped by, again, as someone else who said they were going to protect him took advantage.
It was then I realized that nothing would ever happen between Lukas and me. The moment he’d sworn to protect me, it was all over between us. As if there had been anything there to begin with.
And then I came to the chapters about Leo, and I pored over every word, clinging to stories that I’d never heard, trying to paint them in my mind like they were memories.
I’d always wondered why Leo had worked so hard to keep me away from this part of his life, but after reading Lukas’s book, I sort of understood a bit better.
But it was the people in this part of his life who had cast the safety net for me when he died.
It was the people in this book who had been there when he couldn’t be anymore.
And it was the person who did the most for me that I’d hurt today.
For better or worse, Lukas sat there on the couch as I read the whole book and when I was done, he didn’t seem to hate me at all. He didn’t even seem mad anymore. His grace was far more than I deserved.
“Don’t look at me like that, kid. I turned out okay.”
His expression was soft and far too forgiving, but that was Lukas. He cared about people. Even sometimes to his own detriment.
“I’m so dumb.” I sniffled, doing my best not to have a complete and total messy breakdown in front of him. My tolerance for humiliation had reached its limit for one day.
“You’re not dumb.”
“You were never going to see me as anything more than a kid brother, were you?” I rolled the chair away from the desk and braced my elbows on my knees. My voice wanted to wobble out of me, but I managed to keep it steady by lifting my head and looking him in the eyes. “Were you?”
He wasn’t. Sawyer was more his age. More his type.
Sawyer wasn’t some kid he’d been saddled with to watch over.
And he made Lukas happy. Lukas not seeing me the way I wanted to be seen should have hurt more, but he tugged me up into his arms and gave me a hug that felt like forgiveness.
Like understanding. Like he knew what a mess I was and wasn’t going to hold it against me, even if it cost him something important to him. Like Sawyer.
I hoped it didn’t.
I pulled away from the hug that I still wanted to hold on to and stuffed my hands in my pockets. “I’m going to go.”
“I’ll tell Jax and Blue to expect a call from you.”
I narrowed my gaze at him. I had been avoiding them on purpose, and maybe Lukas knew that. “I know what you’re up to.”
He smirked at me. “I have no idea what you mean.”
It was clear that he must have been tipped off to the fact that I’d been ghosting everyone, and now he was doing what Lukas did best. He was looking out for me. Even after all the problems I’d caused. And now it was my turn to look out for him.
I told him that he should tell everyone about his struggles with dyslexia. That if they knew, they wouldn’t think less of him. Lukas considered my words and nodded slowly, though I wasn’t sure if he was agreeing with me or just thinking over what I said.
“How’d you get so smart all of the sudden?”
“I did a lot of growing up today.” I paused. “Can you tell Sawyer that I’m sorry?”
It wasn’t that I didn’t want to do it in person, but I understood that after all the trouble I caused, the least I could do was stay out of their way for a little while. Lukas wanted to see Sawyer.
As for me, I didn’t particularly want to see anyone.