Chapter 25
TWENTY-FIVE
JAX
Boys are confusing. The thought plagued me all week as I tried to navigate my feelings for Blue and Asher. They were both important to me. But Blue and I hadn’t seen each other since the last time we were together, and neither one of us had seen Asher since everything fell apart.
It was easy for me to end up caring for both of them.
Asher was young and sometimes that made him act in ways I wouldn’t, or say things I wouldn’t, but he was honest. He adored Lukas with a single-minded kind of affection, even if he didn’t understand exactly what it was he was feeling.
He had the courage to feel it anyway. To live and breathe it.
And, yeah, it caused a bit of a mess between the three of us, especially him and Blue, but I couldn’t find it in myself to hold that against him.
And Blue. He was harder to get to know. The kind of guy who kept a lot of shit close to his chest, but he was such a presence in every room that it never felt like he was hiding. He carried himself with the confidence of a person who knew they’d walk away from anything that didn’t serve them.
As for me, well, I was just an idiot, torn between two guys, wondering if I was greedy for wanting to have my cake and eat it too.
“Uh-oh,” Dad sing-songed. “Someone’s got his thinking face on. Careful, or it might get stuck like that.”
I rolled my eyes. “I’ll have you know that a lot of people pay good money to see this face.”
Dad snorted a laugh. “It’s not your face they’re paying to see, kid.
I hate to break it to you. But, seriously, what’s with the face?
” Dad got to his feet and opened the cupboard above the fridge.
Pulling out a bottle of whiskey, he cracked it open and brought it to the table.
He poured a generous amount in his coffee, and a slightly less generous amount in mine.
Instead of answering, I took a sip of my coffee and the bite of the whiskey ripped through me, making me shudder. Dad remained unaffected, of course. Growing up, spiking his Sunday coffee was the one vice Dad allowed himself to have. When I got older, he let me join in on the tradition.
“There’s this guy.”
Dad smiled into his coffee. “It’s always a guy.”
“Well, actually, there’s two of them.”
Dad’s eyebrows whipped up, but he shrugged, taking it in stride.
Nothing I did had shocked him in a long time. And even when it had, he’d never made me feel bad about the things I wanted.
“Do they know there’s two of them?” Dad asked, a cross between curious and hopeful that he wouldn’t have to lecture me if I was playing with people’s emotions. Dad could put up with a lot, but dishonesty wasn’t something he tolerated.
“Of course they do. They were both there. Both times.” While I never went into detail about the things I did, Dad and I talked about almost everything.
He’d always known about my career. It had been the subject of another Sunday coffee confession and while it had been excruciatingly uncomfortable, Dad had accepted it.
“You’ll have to walk me through the problem.” He added another splash of whiskey to both our cups and gave me a wink. “Some conversations need more lubrication. So to speak.”
“Not sure I like the word lubrication coming out of your mouth, but cheers.” Our mugs clunked together, and I took another sip, the whiskey burning a little warmer this time.
“Have I met these boys?” Dad asked. He’d met some of my friends in the industry, but I was almost positive that he’d never met Blue or Asher.
Dad must have seen something in my expression because he smiled a little and shook his head.
“It’s that kid who was hung up on Lukas, right? Him and who else?”
“Blue Davies. We all filmed together. We’ve hung out a couple of times since, and every time we do, it’s like I get a glimpse of how good we could be, and then everything goes south somehow.
Ash is still hung up on Lukas. Blue is upset about it.
I’ve squared things away with Blue, but Ash is…
” My brow scrunched as I searched for a way to articulate my thoughts. “Ash is complicated.”
“What’s complicated about him?” Dad leaned back in the kitchen chair the way he’d done a million times. It made me think of how often he’d been there for me to listen, to advise, to tell me when I was being an idiot. I knew I was lucky to have that, and I knew what Asher had lost when Leo died.
“I don’t think Asher loves Lukas in the way he thinks he does.”
Dad arched an eyebrow, but sipped at his coffee and waited for me to continue.
“Maybe it’s wishful thinking,” I wondered out loud. “But I think Asher loves him like a brother. Like an authority figure. Like the way you idolize someone you feel saved your ass when you were at your lowest.”
“Asher is complicated. And you don’t like complicated.”
“What? When did I say that?”
Dad shrugged but otherwise didn’t move. “Well, if complicated isn’t a problem for you, why are you here drinking spiked coffee with your old man when you could be out uncomplicating things with Asher and Blue?”
I opened my mouth to speak, but had no response and snapped it shut again.
“Look, kid. I don’t need to know all the specifics to know that people like feeling special.
Lukas made him feel special during a really shitty time in his life.
He might not love Lukas in a romantic way, but I bet he does love him.
Maybe he just needs someone to show him the difference.
” Dad tipped his cup back and drained it, then leaned forward and thumped the empty cup on the table.
“You gonna finish that?” he asked, pointing to my cup.
I shoved it toward him. “It’s all yours.”
Dad took my cup and wrapped his hand around it.
“When you figure it out with them, I want you to bring them over one day for dinner. Let me meet the guys who have you all bungled up. Maybe they’ll domesticate you and I can finally get some grand-kitties.”
“If you want cats, just get cats, Dad. Besides, when are you going to find someone to domesticate you?”
“Hey now, we’re not talking about me.”
“We are now. You know I want to see you happy, right? No matter who you bring home, I’m not about to have a ‘you’re not my real mom’ meltdown. We’re a bit past that stage.”
Dad had tried to date when I was younger, but he’d never brought anyone home, so for the longest time I believed he’d never dated at all. Then he told me that he never met anyone he liked enough to change his whole world for.
Did I like Asher and Blue enough to change my whole world for them? Did I like them enough to rearrange closets and dressers and make space for them? To carve out time in my schedule for them. To see them all the time?
It wasn’t even a question. I’d been in love with Blue for years.
Quietly pining for him while we went about our lives.
And then Asher, an unexpected and messy addition to the mix.
But I wouldn’t have it any other way. I loved watching Asher and Blue get to know each other.
I loved watching them interact. And while I was sure that Blue and I could make a go of it, just the two of us, that’s not what we wanted.
Now, Blue and I just had to win Asher over for real. Dad was right—we had to make him feel special.
“Why haven’t you dated?” I asked, stealing my cup back for another swig of the spiked coffee.
Dad shrugged. “Haven’t thought about it much, to be honest. I get by just fine. Anyway, you didn’t come over to harass me about my love life. It’s yours that needs work. So what do you plan to do?”
“I haven’t figured that out yet. Maybe I’ll touch base with Blue first and see what he thinks.”
“A tag-team approach. I like it.”
I tried not to think about the porn definition of tag team, but it crossed my mind before I could stop it. If Dad noticed a flush in my cheeks, he was good enough to not say a word about it.
The idea wasn’t an all bad one, but whatever Blue and I came up with, it should be something that required clothing.
We all knew we were compatible in the bedroom, but sex had gotten in the way of actual conversations that needed to happen.
I’d been too eager to take what I could get, worried that I’d never get another shot with Blue if I paused to think about the implications of jumping into bed with him and Asher time and time again.
In a way, it was like I had to reverse engineer a relationship.
We’d started with sex. And then hit the complicated feelings roadblock.
I’d managed to talk things out with Blue, but now I wanted to do the same with Asher.
Talk things out. Maybe go on some nice dates.
Maybe woo them a little. We needed rules and boundaries and a plan to navigate this budding relationship before it went up in smoke.
Unless it was already too late. Asher hadn’t texted me back in days. Our last conversation ended with him saying he was okay, just busy, and that he’d be in touch. It screamed I need space, so that’s what I’d been giving him. Now, I wondered if that had been the right move.
“I’m going to head out.” I stood and clapped my dad on the shoulder on the way past him.
“Go get ‘em, slugger.”
“I never played baseball, Dad.”
“Go get ‘em anyway. Tell me how it goes. The PG-13 version, preferably. And remember to bring them for dinner one day.”
“I’ll remember.”
I let myself out the front door, and twenty minutes later I was knocking on Lukas’s door. He answered with a furrow in his brow, Lara at his side.
“You haven’t knocked on the door in years, Jax. No one does.” Lukas stepped aside and let me in. Lara moseyed her way over to me as I toed out of my shoes.
“Yeah, well, you might want to adjust that policy now that you have a boyfriend. I know none of us would mind walking in on that, but he might.”
Lukas’s cheeks turned pink, and he cleared his throat. “I’ll have to remember to address that with the guys then. And not that I’m not happy to see you, but I am curious about what brings you by.”
“I came to talk about Asher.” Suddenly nervous, I ran my hands through my hair. Had I thought this out? Not really? Was I just kind of winging it and hoping whatever I ended up doing would work? Yep. One hundred percent.
Lukas narrowed his eyes and stuffed his hands into his pockets. Lara, bored of me, wandered off down the hallway.
“Well, the way I see it, you’re the closest thing he has to family now. You stepped into the whole big brother slash parental role ever since Leo died. And I know he’s had it kind of rough lately, and things haven’t been exactly smooth sailing between you two, but you’re still important to him.”
Lukas’s gaze was unwavering, and it made me feel like he could see right through me. Not that I was hiding anything from him, but it still unnerved me. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been this nervous.
“Spit it out, Jax.” Lukas almost smiled but he managed to flatten his mouth again. Giving away no emotion.
“I like Asher, a lot. And I guess I want to take him somewhere special, but you know him better than I do. So I was wondering if you had any suggestions on how I could win him over.”
Lukas grinned. Wide and wolfish. “Are you asking permission to date Asher?”
“Well, no. I’m asking for your approval, I guess. I know you’re protective of him, and I know that you’d want whoever he was with to treat him right. You know I will… and so will Blue.”
“So you and Blue are interested in Asher?” Lukas questioned, but there was a look in his eyes that told me he already knew the answer.
I nodded. “So, will you help me?”