Chapter 26
TWENTY-SIX
BLUE
Crashing sounds came from the other side of the door as I lifted my hand to knock.
Someone had let me into Asher’s building on their way out, so my presence was going to be a total surprise.
I figured I owed him an apology and maybe an explanation.
There was a not-so-muffled stream of swear words coming from behind the door, and I took that as my opportunity to interrupt whatever was going on in there.
The sound of my knocks made Asher’s apartment fall silent.
The door swung open and Asher was already apologizing before he realized who was standing there.
“Shit, sorry. I’m just moving stuff out and—” All at once Asher’s mouth caught up with his eyes and he shut up.
His cheeks turned a violent shade of pink.
“Sorry. I thought you were one of my neighbors. I’m just trying to get this stuff packed up so I can take it out of here.
” Asher waved a hand to the pile behind him.
And right on cue, his carefully stacked tower of items slid over. Asher’s shoulders slumped.
“Do you need a hand?”
“You wouldn’t mind?”
He stepped aside so I could enter. Stacked near the entryway there was an assortment of bags and boxes. A familiar-looking cowboy hat sat on top of one of the piles.
“Is that Leo’s?” I asked, my gaze stuck on the hat.
“Yeah. Uh… It’s been sitting around. All this stuff is Leo’s, and it’s just rotting away in my closet.
I’m actually taking it all to Lukas’s. Leo loved to take on different roles.
I think in another life he wanted to be like a proper actor, you know.
” Asher grabbed the hat and looked at it, a little fondly.
A little sad. “I don’t want it to just rot away so I’m giving it to Lukas for the studio.
The guys can all use these props and remember Leo. ”
“What’s the other stuff?” I pointed at a couple of boxes.
“Oh, mostly albums and movies that I don’t want.
I kept what I like, but Leo and I didn’t always agree on everything.
All this stuff is going to Lukas’s. The guys can just kind of help themselves to whatever they want.
I didn’t know what to do with it, and this felt better than just throwing it away or dropping it off at a random thrift store.
” Asher put the hat down and tucked his hands in his pockets. “That sounds dumb, I know.”
“It doesn’t.” I stepped closer and reached for the cowboy hat, looking to Asher for permission before grabbing it.
He gave me a slight nod, and I picked it up.
“My parents are alive, you know. But they disowned me when I came out. It fucked me up for a long time, but then I just decided to pretend that they were dead. Because if they were dead, then that meant that they couldn’t hurt me anymore. ”
“Did it work?” Asher gently took the hat from me and stuck it on my head.
“At first, yeah. It helped. But then that hurt was still there. Ignoring the wound didn’t make it go away. I don’t pretend they’re dead anymore, but I did give myself permission to mourn losing them. And that’s what helped me in the long run.”
“Is this therapy session free, doctor cowboy?” Asher smirked and flicked the brim of the hat, knocking it slightly off kilter.
“I’m not a doctor or a cowboy.” Taking the hat off, I set it aside again. “I’m just a guy who knows what loss feels like and how it can fuck with you.”
Asher nodded and let out a breath. His shoulders sagged, and I wanted to pull him in close to me and hug him. And then I remembered that I had no reason to hold back anymore.
“Come here.” I opened my arms, and Asher stepped into them, burying his head against my shoulder. He took a deep breath, and it rushed out of him like a deflating balloon.
He melted against me, wound his arms around my waist, and I wrapped mine around him, rubbing a hand up and down his back.
“I’m sorry I took off the other day. I should have stayed and explained.”
“I shouldn’t have been yammering on about some other guy right after you and Jax gave me the best night of my life.”
“Yeah, probably not. But I could’ve explained.” I was glad Asher wasn’t looking at me right then because it made it easier to be vulnerable if he wasn’t. “For as long as I could remember, I’ve always felt more for people than they feel for me. It’s gotten me hurt more times than I care to count.”
“That’s why you have those rules.” Asher groaned. “I always wondered. I should have asked. I’m sorry I didn’t.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t explain.”
“Sounds like we’re both sorry. But for the record, Blue…” Asher pulled back and looked me in the eyes. “I don’t think you feel more for me than I do for you. I think… I think we’re pretty even.”
Asher’s tentative confession unwrapped a little glimmer of hope deep in my chest. It almost felt too good to be true, that both Jax and Asher could have feelings for me.
The old me might have run from it, but I was tired of my rules.
Tired of limiting what I could have, from who, and when.
I wanted to drop my guard for them and let them in.
“Do you need help with all this stuff?”
He let out a weak laugh. “I swore I could manage it on my own, but the piles kept falling over. And then I was tripping on things and trying to decide how best to load everything into my car and how many trips it would take.”
“Is that a yes?”
“That’s a fuck yes, please help me.”
Asher pulled away, but before I let him go completely, I brushed a kiss against his cheek. Then I put the hat on his head.
“You’d make a cute cowboy.”
“So would you, Blue.” Asher frowned. “What’s your real name?”
“Ryan. My real first name is Ryan. Ryan Michael Gallagher-Smith.”
Asher pondered this information for half a second before nodding. “I like Blue better,” he said, hefting a couple of bags up off the floor. “I’d like to make it in one trip, but there’s no way.”
“Well, good thing you have help.” I grabbed a couple more bags and between the two of us, we managed to stuff the back of Asher’s car full.
I rode with him to Lukas’s house, and we parked around back so we could take everything directly in through the back door and into the basement where the studio was.
After we stacked everything in the green room, Asher looked at the piles of stuff and let out a sigh.
“I don’t suppose you wanted to help me unpack this.
Lukas said we could put it all in the closet down here.
I figured I’d put the costumes and stuff in here, and take the other stuff to the living room set-up and fill out some of the shelves. ”
The downstairs at Lukas’s house had a green room that doubled as a set sometimes. A bathroom, two bedrooms, and a living room space. It was all furnished and it was nice and homey if you ignored the tripods and lighting set-ups.
We got to work, silently unpacking the bags of Leo’s stuff.
“He had more costumes than a Spirit Halloween,” I said as I hung a french maid costume from a hanger.
“I asked him about them once. I think it was when he brought home a hard hat and a tool belt. I wanted to know what the deal was with all the costumes. I knew he filmed porn; it wasn’t a secret.
That wasn’t why he kept me separate from everyone.
He just didn’t want me to think it was my only option or to be taken advantage of.
I think he was afraid that I’d turn out just like him, but really that’s all I wanted.
He was so good to me. Patient. Kind. He made all kinds of sacrifices for me.
But he said the costumes made it more fun.
That they let him feel like he really was someone else for a little while. ”
Asher sucked in a deep breath and it shook when he exhaled, but he otherwise managed to hold himself together. “Have you heard from Jax lately?”
And there it was. The question I’d sort of hoped he wouldn’t ask. “I have.”
“How is he?” Asher asked. “I sort of haven’t been good at communicating lately.”
“He’s okay.” I ran my suddenly sweaty palms down my thighs.
Jax and I decided that we wouldn’t keep anything from Asher.
If we were going to make a go at having some kind of relationship with the three of us, we had to be honest from the jump.
“I saw him a few days ago. He came over and we cleared the air.”
Asher looked at me, the unasked question lingering in his gaze. “Did you… Sorry, that’s not my business.”
He tried to get away, but I grabbed his wrist, stroked my thumb across his pulse point.
“We talked about you and what we want. And what we hope to have happen with the three of us. I know we don’t have rules yet, and maybe Jax and I should have waited, but you and I don’t have to wait either.”
“What does that mean?” Asher whispered, his gaze flicking from my eyes to my mouth, then back to my eyes again.
I reeled him in slowly, pulling him closer, giving him plenty of time to stop me. But he didn’t, and soon I had him pressed against me. Asher was a little shorter than me, and I liked the way he looked when he gazed up at me. His lips all parted and his body strung tight with anticipation.
“That means that we both want you, Asher. And we want each other. And we don’t want to have to wait for all three of us to be together to enjoy each other.”
“I don’t know what to say.” Even as he said that, his body angled toward mine. His cock pressed against my thigh and his fingers curled into my waist.
I leaned in so that my mouth was just millimeters from his. Until I could feel his breath puff out against my skin. I could practically taste his eagerness. “Say I can kiss you. Say I can devour you. Say yes, Ashy.”
Asher made an unintelligible sound and then his mouth was on mine.
He wound his arms around my neck and buried his fingers in my hair.
I could feel the longing pour off of him as we kissed a deep, luxurious kiss.
Like the kiss of two people who had all the time in the world.
The kiss of two people who wanted to memorize every movement.
Every taste. Every delicate whimper that tumbled out.
Asher pulled back and his eyes danced with happiness. “Yes,” he said. “You can kiss me. You can kiss me whenever you want, Blue.”
His smile was a radiant, glowing thing that made my heart skip a beat. My breath caught in my chest and I cupped his cheek, overcome with the urge to touch him.
How was he even real? I used to think there was no one out there for me.
That all the people I cared about would never care for me the same way—I could probably blame my parents for that, but that was a therapy session for another day—and then here was Asher, looking at me like the sun rose and set in my eyes.
And wherever Jax was, I knew he cared about me too.
I didn’t want Asher to see how emotional I was feeling, so I moved in and kissed him again. And again. And again. Happy to lose myself in the heady feeling of falling in love.