Chapter 19
Chapter Nineteen
Johannes
Italy in September is beautiful, cool breezes in the evening cutting through the heat from the day’s rays.
It’s nice to be out on a patio with the guys, eating and drinking all the stuff we really shouldn’t before a race weekend.
But we’re all here and it’s too nice of an evening to pass up.
Nils has hung out with us so much recently that he feels like a regular part of the group, but tonight is the first night he gets to hang out with Kian in a causal, relaxed setting away from the track.
To say I’m a little scared of how excited he is right now would be an understatement. His face practically lit up when I invited him to dinner and he found out that Kian was going to be there.
‘No hero-worshipping,’ I remind him on the walk up to the restaurant.
He makes me no promises, and the second we find the happy couple, the Hendersohm race engineers and Elijah out on the patio, he’s gawking like he didn’t share the track with Kian for a year.
Yes, he spent most of that year right at the back, but it still counts.
But the second we get to the table, he edges himself into the seat next to Ki and is quick to start talking his ear off about his career and everything he achieved. It’s adorable really.
We order pizzas and bruschetta to share and it’s the perfect vibe for our first night in Italy.
‘Okay, so, I have some news,’ Elijah says, clinking a spoon against his beer bottle.
‘You’re a twat – we already know that,’ Harper quickly pipes up, only to be pinched into silence by his husband.
‘When you’re quite finished?’
Harper mocks zipping his lips as Kian slips an arm around the back of his chair.
I ignore the little flip of jealousy in my stomach. I close my eyes for a second to re-centre and an image of Caleb holding me on the beach in Zandvoort pops up, causing me to shiver.
‘So, I’m going to be a father. Again. Angie is fourteen weeks pregnant with baby number three.’
‘Oh, man.’ Kian practically hops up out of his seat to give his best friend the biggest hug. ‘Congratulations. Hoping for a boy this time?’
‘Nah, we’re not bothered as long as they’re happy and healthy.
Angie’s mostly just glad that her third trimester will coincide with winter break – so I’ll hopefully be home for the birth.
’ The grin on Elijah’s face is just pure ecstasy.
Kids have never really been on my agenda, but I’ve seen how this man dotes on his and can completely understand why he’s so happy.
‘So happy for you, man! That’s fantastic news.’ I congratulate him, as the rest of the table offers up similar sentiments.
The conversation moves on to baby names. Nils is offering up a fun selection of Norwegian names for both genders, when my phone pings in my pocket.
Two new messages from Caleb. I feel like a giddy teenager.
The first message is nothing more than a picture, which is taking its time to download, but underneath:
I know it’s last minute and I’m not sure how busy your schedule is tomorrow night, but this seems like fate if you ask me.
I bite my lip in frustration as I wait, but then…
He’s right. It’s fate. A country-music festival not too far away, and I don’t have anything on that evening that can’t be moved.
I just wish it could be a date. I want us to go like any normal couple would.
I click back to the picture and can’t help the grin that spreads across my face as I glance over some of the artists that are playing. There are a few I don’t know, but a lot of them can be found on our shared playlist.
My phone chimes again and when I exit out of the picture, there’s another message confirming he’s got two tickets in his basket ready to check out and, God, I want to. I really fucking want to.
‘And what is this?’ Harper asks, waving his hand around in the vicinity of my face.
‘Look at the way my Jojo is smiling.’ Everyone snickers and I shoot him the middle finger, but he just uses it as an opportunity to try and snatch my phone.
Luckily, my reflexes are quick and I slip it back into my trouser pocket.
‘What do we think, lads? Who is it making him grin like that?’
Kian’s shaking his head at his husband, whilst the group laughs again.
‘Right,’ Elijah says, ‘are we actually pretending we don’t know who it is? Oh okay.’
That only sets everyone off laughing even harder. Fuck them.
‘Oh, no, we all know,’ Kian adds. ‘You’re not to pester him, Harper. He’ll talk about it when he’s ready.’ He talks as if I’m not sitting right here. I hate that they all think they have any kind of idea what is going on right now.
‘Remind me why you’re even here again, Ki? Aren’t you retired?’
He just laughs and I busy my mouth with my bottle of beer to prevent myself from saying anything stupid or incriminating.
‘That sounded to me like someone’s avoiding the question,’ Nils quickly chimes in, and I shoot him my best death glare, the traitor. He’s meant to be on my side.
‘Why did I bring you again?’
‘Because I’m awesome and you know it. Now, who’s texting you?’ He tilts his head and flashes what he thinks are adorably pleading puppy dog eyes, but that won’t work on me.
‘Just a friend,’ I reply. It’s not a lie. We are friends. Just friends. That was the agreement.
‘Just a friend, my arse,’ Harper snorts.
‘We’ve all seen how much happier you’ve been since you became pally with a certain someone and how growly you got in Monaco when he was about to pull.
’ I’d banished the memory of some guy trying to make a move on Caleb when we went out for drinks one night.
It’s not like I actually growled at the guy, just stepped in the middle of them, cutting him off from touching Caleb at all.
Wow, okay, so they do actually all know.
And have been letting me do my own thing at my own pace, which is kind of nice, But it’s not like Caleb and I have been taking things slowly while we work towards a committed relationship.
The only scenario in which we can be more than friends is if one of us loses their job – and that’s obviously not an option.
I’m sure the two other race engineers sitting here with us probably also think it’s a stupid idea to be involved with a driver.
‘Look, we just want you to be happy, Jo, and I don’t think I’ve seen you this happy or excited in years.’ Harper’s eyes are earnest from where he’s across the table.
Was it this exciting at the start with Jackson? I can’t remember. It was … something. I’m not even sure how to classify it anymore.
‘Your silence is speaking volumes over there. It’s sharing time. Spill.’ I shake my head at Harper. I know he’s not about to let up about this, but I don’t even know where to begin or how much I can say.
‘If he’s not ready, babe, you can’t force him. How long did you keep us a secret for?’
Kian’s not wrong there. I still remember the shock of hearing the pair had been sleeping together.
Then I took one look at Harper, even though he was fairly drunk at the time, and I knew it was love.
I knew that Kian was the one for Harper no matter how guarded Harper still was at that point.
My best friend was radiating this warm glow, despite his tear?streaked face and tequila breath.
He was in deep. And look at them now. Happily married.
Could that be me?
My silence is loud at the table, and I find myself looking at Nils in a silent plea to distract the table.
He may be young and sometimes immature, but he gets the message and starts yapping on about some woman he matched with the second he got to Italy and how she’s promised to show him the sights.
The guys lap it up, speculating about the sights he’ll actually be seeing this week, all while Harper glares at me across the table.
Guilt drips down my spine making me feel cold even in the Italian air.
I’ve been doing this to him for the last three years.
Shutting him out. Probably making him feel like an awful best friend because I won’t let him in.
But if I share even one thing, it’ll all come spilling out, and it’s not fair to put him in that position.
I shouldn’t have to feel like this. Not now, not ever. I never should have.
‘Say there was someone,’ I blurt, interrupting Nils educating us on how to pull a woman – a topic half of us have no need of. ‘Sorry,’ I quickly add in his direction. ‘I just, I have no clue what I’m doing.’
I let out a deep breath as I try to figure out where to start.
‘Hey,’ Harper says from across the table. ‘It’s okay. You don’t have to tell us anything. I was just teasing. It’s nice to see you happy, that’s all.’
‘I just … I really like him and we probably shouldn’t even be thinking about being something other than friends, but we kind of fit.
It’s strange. Like, when we’re together, it’s like nothing else matters other than me and him.
We share a lot of interests and hobbies, but also have differences that seem to complement each other.
He lights me up inside. But he’s also a really good person.
He’s so caring and he does all these little things for me because he knows they’ll make my day better.
I just want to be with him all the time and I think he feels the same way but there’s too much at stake.
For both of us. We can’t be together. Cole, Ash, you get it, right?
’ There’s sympathy on everyone’s faces as I wait for someone, anyone, to say anything helpful.
‘Okay, well, that’s a lot,’ Elijah comments unhelpfully and then winces as, I’m assuming, Kian kicks him under the table.
‘You’re telling me,’ I mutter.
‘Do you want to be with him?’ Harper asks, like it’s just that simple and maybe it is – or at least it should be.
And it’s the easier answer I’ll probably ever give in life. ‘Yeah, I do.’
‘Then isn’t that all that matters?’
‘Not really. What if it doesn’t work out? What if it gets awkward? He’s … my race engineer, you know?’