Chapter 19 #2
‘What?’ Harper exclaims with mock surprise. Someone else around the table adding, ‘No way!’
I shoot them all a look. ‘It’s the most important dynamic in the team, and winning is important to me.’ I see nods from around the group. ‘I know you all understand that because you feel the same way.’
‘It’s a fair point,’ admits Ash.
‘And that’s only the part that affects me.
If things get fucked up, it won’t be me losing my job, it’ll be him.
Risking my success – even the team’s success – is one thing, but risking everything he’s worked for?
His dreams? What would you do?’ There’s silence from the group.
‘No, seriously, please tell me, because this has been killing me.’
I look around at the faces of my friends and I see the uncomfortable truth reflected in them.
‘I agree that none of that should matter. If you both want to try then that should be enough,’ says Kian.
‘But?’ I say. ‘Because there’s definitely a but hiding there beneath all those shoulds.’
‘But you have a point,’ he admits grudgingly. I see a few of the others nodding, too.
‘Kian!’ exclaims Harper.
‘Think about it, Harp,’ I say. ‘You know what it takes to top a podium. Nils, Elijah, back me up. It’s fractions of a second.
It’s millimetres. It’s a gram here or there.
These tyres or those. It’s the smallest disruption and you get shuffled to the bottom of the pack and then what has it all been for?
It’s the difference between P1 in Spa and P10 in Silverstone.
We’ve all worked so fucking hard to get where we are.
It’s not fair to the team. And it’s not fair to him. ’
‘That’s fucking bullshit, man,’ Harper replies.
‘But he’s not wrong,’ says Cole carefully.
‘To win takes sacrifice,’ says Elijah. ‘Everyone at this table knows that. I missed the birth of one of my children…’ He looks down at his hands.
‘I still say it’s bullshit,’ repeats Harper.
‘You talk about sacrifice and fairness, but every single time we get in a car and race around a track, we ask ourselves, “What am I prepared to risk in order to win?” We look for slivers of opportunity and weigh up the odds, don’t we?
Ash? Cole? Isn’t that what we do? We look for the merest fucking slivers of opportunity and we risk our very lives on those slivers because that’s what it takes to win.
All I’m saying is that Caleb is more than a sliver of an opportunity.
You’ve had a couple of bad races this season and maybe that’s made you afraid to—’
‘Are you calling me a fucking coward?’ I shoot back, standing up and stepping towards him.
‘He’s not calling you a coward. Are you, Harp?’ says Kian, ever the peacemaker.
‘Well, I’m not not calling him a coward,’ Harp snarks.
There are a few sharp intakes of breath from the group.
‘You risk your life, Harper,’ I say coldly, ‘but would you risk his?’ I indicate Kian with my thumb. Harper jumps to his feet.
‘YES! Of course I fucking would. Because I trust myself. Because I back myself. Because taking a risk is what got me this hot idiot in the first place.’
The tension is thick between us and you could hear a pin drop.
‘Because maybe that’s the difference between being at the top, like I am, and not being at the top, like you are.’
‘Harper!’ says Elijah, getting up in anticipation of having to referee a real fight between us.
I swear to God, I’ve never wanted to punch my best friend more than I do right now.
I feel rage rising inside me. It’s a blistering fury and it burns white hot, but mainly because there’s a part of me that knows he’s right.
I stopped trusting myself. I lost confidence in myself.
I clench my fists at my sides and feel the cold trickle of truth drip down my spine.
I stopped believing in myself somewhere along the line because Jackson made me believe I wasn’t worthy.
It’s only since I’ve got to know Caleb, since we’ve become a proper team, that I’ve begun to find my way back to myself. That I’ve begun to take risks again that have put me back on top where I belong.
‘I don’t know what the fuck’s been going on with you this season because you refuse to talk to me,’ says Harper accusingly.
‘But that ginger hottie is the best fucking thing that’s ever happened to you and if you don’t take a risk on him, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.
’ He holds his hands up, palms out, as though he’s said his piece and now he’s done.
He emphasises his point by sitting down and folding his arms.
I see the other guys looking back and forth between us, uncertain now about where they stand in this debate.
Nils puts up his hand, like he’s a kid in school.
‘What?’ I say a little too aggressively, but my blood is still boiling.
‘Just so we’re crystal clear,’ he says tentatively, ‘I want you to know that I won’t tell anyone in the team, okay? Or anyone who’s not currently present.’
How did I keep Jackson a secret for years when I haven’t been able to keep the way I feel about Caleb from the guys for a couple of months? I hope Caleb’s okay about me telling them. I should have asked him first, but I didn’t exactly plan to have this conversation.
‘Jesus, man, you look like you’ve seen a ghost|! It’s okay, you know? You and Caleb are fucking cute. He proper likes you. You should see the way you look at each other – it’s something else.’
I melt a little inside, but then I frown at Harper who makes a dramatic gesture with his arms as if to say, see, I told you so.
I extend my middle finger at him and he huffs out a laugh.
I guess I’m going to that music festival after all.