Chapter 29
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Johannes
‘Looking good out there. Any feedback?’ Caleb asks, and I miss him even more as I hear his voice in my ear. This is not the right time to plead with him, though it’s all I want to do. This is our workplace, and I have to respect that he doesn’t want to talk.
‘All good,’ I mumble. The car actually does feel good. The grip is great and everything feels smooth, but my brain is buzzing all over the place. I’ve managed to avoid seeing Jackson until today, and then suddenly he’s everywhere I look. It’s like he’s haunting me.
‘Roger.’ Caleb not pushing for more information than ‘good’ is a clear sign that he doesn’t want to talk to me right now.
Even though he’s promised me a chance to talk after the race on Sunday, I can’t wait that long. I need to know we can fix this. I need to tell him that Jackson is nothing but the past. That he means nothing to me.
I pull into the pit as the hour ends and let the engineers get to work. When I get out of the car, I bump into Harper.
‘You okay, man?’ he asks and I just shrug. ‘You and Caleb still not talking?’
I shake my head. ‘I wish… Fuck, I’ve messed everything up. I want to prove to Caleb that I’ve closed the chapter on Jackson. How do I do that?’
Almost as if he’s listening, my phone lights up and it’s him. That number again.
‘What does he want?’
‘To talk, apparently,’ I reply, my eyes skimming the message asking if I have any time before qualifying.
‘Why don’t you speak to him, clear the air and get all the closure you need and then you can go into the race and everything will be good.’
‘I don’t even know if I can bear to. I just want everything to work out with Caleb. I miss him so much right now.’
‘Then face Jackson and tell him it’s one hundred per cent over. Tell him to stop messaging you. I’ll come with you, if you want. Kian and I both will. We’ll be there to support you. Give us an hour and we’ll meet you at his office.’
That’s how I find myself being snuck in through the back door of the Hendersohm garage after Free Practice 2 and deposited outside of Jackson’s office. Harper knocks on the door before I get the chance to chicken out, and both he and Kian agree to wait outside for me.
‘Johannes,’ Jackson says softly as I close the door behind me and step into his office. ‘How are you doing after Brazil?’
I groan, I hoped he’d get the message that I didn’t want to speak when I didn’t reply to his stupid text.
He gestures for me to take a seat and it’s only then that I see it.
His tired eyes meet mine. His hair is a floppy mess and there’s a stain on the front of his Hendersohm shirt. A tiny bit of my anger deflates.
‘Better.’ It’s the only word I can force out, and I don’t sit down. After all, I’m not staying. I just want to say my piece and get the fuck out of here.
‘Good, I’m glad. It’s no fun winning when my guys don’t have any competition out there.’ I’m almost offended on the behalf of the likes of Ogum and Kinsley and even Nils now, but I also don’t care about his opinion.
‘What do you want, Jackson? You asked for this meeting and I’m sure as fuck it wasn’t to discuss my ribs.’ I fold my arms over my chest.
‘Is that Harper and Kian waiting outside my door?’ he asks and I nod. ‘They know?’
Of course that’s the first thing he latches on to.
‘Yeah, they know, and I’m not here to apologise for that. It should never have been this way, Jackson. You have to know that.’
He drops back into his plush chair and gestures for me to sit opposite him again, but I continue to stand. I’m not about to give him a single iota of control over me. I’ve fought too hard to claw my own power back.
‘I know,’ he agrees, and I am surprised at how easily and quickly his answer comes.
‘You do?’
He nods. ‘Yeah, fuck.’ He looks around at the mess that seems to be taking over his whole workspace. ‘I’m not sure any of this was meant to be like this, but it’s where we are.’
‘So, you’re taking over the team?’ He nods again.
‘Don’t you want to?’ I ask, and he just laughs. ‘I’m being serious. you threw me away like trash for all this, so I at least deserve to know whether it was worth it. Don’t I?’
He sighs, closes his laptop and undoes the top couple of buttons of his shirt before leaning back in his seat. He looks rough, there’s no denying it.
‘Yeah, you do. Firstly, Jo, I am sorry about how everything went down. I was selfish and stupid, trying to have it all when this job was eating up every moment of my day. It’s a lot.
I don’t know how Dad did it. But I want to find that balance like he did with Joyce, his new wife.
I want that kind of peace … with you. I’m so sorry I hurt you.
I wish I’d never broken up with you.’ Every word depletes him, and I see the regret truly is there, but it doesn’t hurt like I thought it would.
And in absolutely no way does it make me want to run back to him.
Jackson always spoke a lot about his dad. About how much Anders did for him, especially after his mum died. How his dad supported him, making sure Jackson wanted for nothing. It makes all the sense in the world that Jackson felt like he couldn’t say no.
‘So, that was your big plan? Get me in here and, what, convince me to give this another go?’ I gesture between the two of us. ‘After you strung me along for years, promised the world and only tossed me scraps of affection?’
‘I loved you so much that I couldn’t stop. Even when a month went by without us hardly seeing each other, to get to call you at the end of a tough week and know you were there made taking on this job so much easier.’
‘For you, maybe. For me it was fucking hell, Jackson. You put me through hell.’ I’m glad to hear anger in my voice rather than sadness. He doesn’t deserve my tears.
‘I am really truly sorry, Jo. I mean it. I see now how selfish I was. In the moment I didn’t see that, and that’s so fucked up. I wanted it all and I couldn’t have it. The happier I saw my dad become, the more he brought up leaving the team, the more I knew I had to end things with you.’
Jackson’s resigned himself to having nothing else but this job. I almost feel sorry for him.
‘And you thought dumping me at my best-friend’s wedding after a humiliating performance on the track was the right time to do that? You nearly cost me my season.’
‘I know and there aren’t enough times or ways I can say sorry—’
‘You’re right, there aren’t,’ I interrupt.
‘You’ve pulled it back, though. It’s clear from the way you’re rising back up towards that top spot every weekend.’
‘No fucking thanks to you! Everything I’ve achieved since then has been because I refused to let you break me.
Because I have people around me who love me and support me and value me.
When you stand at the top of Hendersohm, you’ll realise you’re completely alone and you’ll always wonder whether it was worth it.
But when I stand at the top of the podium, which I will at the end of this season, I know I’ll never stand there alone, and that makes everything I achieve worth a thousand times more.
Enjoy the view from the top, Jackson. I know I will. ’
‘Please, Jo, please will you give me another chance? I don’t want to be at the top all on my own. I want you there with me.’
‘Not a fucking chance. I’ve found something greater than you and I ever could have had. Someone who loves me in a way I don’t think you’re even capable of.’
His face falls, and I think this is when he knows there’s no chance left at all.
‘I’m glad for you, Jo, I really am. That’s what you deserve.’ He sounds earnest but I’m so over this. I truly don’t care anymore.
‘Good luck in the rest of the season. May the best man win,’ I say.
I don’t wait for his reply. I’m just glad my friends are waiting for me outside. Kian and Harper step away from the door as it opens. While Kian steps into the office, Harper slings an arm around me to guide me out of the backdoor they snuck me in.
‘You okay?’ He asks as we walk back through the paddock towards my own team.
‘Yeah, I really am. Closure sure feels good.’ The shaking hands that I walked into his office with are gone. My whole body feels the relief of the confrontation, and I hold my head high again.
‘I don’t like that glint in your eye at all. You’re going to try and destroy me on track today, aren’t you?’
I smirk at him.
‘You have no idea, Harps.’
He grins and accepts the challenge.
‘You might want to look into some therapy for your boss, though,’ I say. ‘I think he needs help.’ The fact that I can be so objective about his situation is proof – if I needed it – that I’m free of his ghost forever.
‘He’ll have the support. Hendersohm is a family.
We’ll make sure of it.’ Harper nods, and I’m glad that he’s actually listened to me and not taken his personal feelings towards Jackson into the workplace.
He’s being pretty level-headed about it, but I do worry that when Kian goes back to the UK again that might change.
‘All that’s left now is to win back the heart of my super-hot race engineer,’ I say.
‘Maybe focus on one thing at a time, Jo.’
‘I know, I just miss him.’ Way more than I ever thought I would let myself miss anyone again. I never expected that I’d ever want to throw my heart into another relationship, yet here I am, having fallen hard again, and I’m determined not to hurt him with my past hurt.
‘I’m sure you do, but this time tomorrow the race will be over and you can take some time out together before China.’
‘Oh yeah, because back-to-back racing leaves lots of time for that.’ I can’t get on a plane with him to the other side of the world with all this animosity hanging between us. If I don’t win, I don’t want anyone to blame my performance on him. I won’t risk him losing his job.
‘You’ll find time, or you’ll make it, if it’s important.
Look, I need to get back to the team for the next practice.
Speak later, okay?’ Like the messy bastard that he is, Harper spots a camera watching us and leans up on his tippy toes to kiss my forehead.
I push his face away with my palm, but we’re both laughing, and damn, that feels good.
I wait for everything in my brain to click into place after the conversation, but things still aren’t right because Caleb’s not talking to me.
I need ten minutes on my own to focus my thoughts and get in the zone, so I glide through the garage with my head down praying no one stops me on the way to my room. The second I’m at the door, I step inside and lock it behind me.
Sitting right there, on the table next to my bed, is a piping-hot takeaway cup of coffee and my heart has never felt so full.