Chapter 28
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Caleb
Stomping back to the hotel and not giving Johannes a chance to explain probably isn’t the most mature decision I’ve ever made, but what else was there to say?
It all makes so much sense now. He’s been going through a break-up he had no chance of escaping.
He’s clearly still harbouring feelings for Jackson and how can I compete with him?
The man is about to become a team principal!
He’s also stupid handsome and has the racing insight of a freaking genius. I’ve read his blog and listened to his podcast for years. He knows his shit, even when he called Johannes an overhyped rookie four years ago.
I don’t stand a chance against him. I’ve never been this self-conscious in my life, but I’ve also never fallen so hard for anyone before. Even Brad.
Yet I’ve given everything to Johannes – my heart, my head, my body.
I couldn’t have stopped it even if I tried.
Johannes has his own gravitational pull.
He’s a star that shines so brightly, I cannot look away.
But what kind of future can we have? The hotshot F1 champion and his nerdy, ginger ear-piece.
That’s what we are, and I’ve been so stupid for letting myself think we could be more.
And then there’s the fact that he lied to me. He could have told me in Zandvoort when I picked him up and coaxed him through his panic attack. He could have told me any one of a hundred times since then, but he chose not to.
A treacherous corner of my heart wonders if it’s because he needed me to be his adoring doormat for the rest of the season because I helped him get back on top of the podium.
No, he’s not like that.
I didn’t think so, but I’ve always had so much more to lose than him.
If we can’t work together, Nathan will fire me, not Johannes.
This is everything I feared when we began this relationship, and I ignored it because I wanted him so much.
I used my stupid overworked brain to rationalise it away and took a risk – and now I have no choice but to guide him through the track like my heart isn’t breaking because of him.
I’ll probably have to see Jackson, too, at least in passing, and try not to want to punch him and reveal his stupid big secret, too.
I get undressed and climb into bed, pulling the duvet over my head to try and quiet my mind and racing heart.
But the second I close my eyes, my subconscious plays me an imaginary reel of Jackson and Johannes going at it, and now I need to bleach my mind.
I’m restless all night, tossing and turning, phone on do not disturb so I don’t feel tempted to reach out to him and tell him to come over.
I just need a little bit of time to try and process.
I finally fall asleep and it feels like only seconds later that my alarm is going off and I’m dragging myself into the shower, dressing in RBF clothing and grabbing a Lyft with some of the other engineers in my apartment to the garage.
* * *
The next few days are bleak. They pass in a blur of misery and hard work as we gear up for the final three races of the season. I’m barely sleeping, and by the time Friday rolls around, I’m no use to anyone. I think I should fake being sick for the good of the team.
Of course, I have a day full of meetings, the first half just with Ian, reviewing footage, and then with some of the senior strategists. I could really do with a fully working brain today, except it’s basically running on autopilot and as much caffeine I can fuel it with through energy drinks.
‘Are you even listening?’ Ian grunts out, banging his stack of notes against the table to straighten the pages.
‘What?’ I ask, not even sure what he was asking in the first place.
‘Well, that answers my question. You look like shit.’
‘Thanks, man. Kick a guy when he’s down, why don’t you.’ I’m really not in the mood for Ian to be an asshole right now.
‘What’s going on?’ he asks.
He’s the last person I want to tell, but all my other friends are first and foremost Johannes’s friends. I can’t exactly call my parents when I never told them we were dating in the first place. So why not Ian?
‘Johannes and I broke up.’ There it is. Those five words that I really didn’t want to say. I mean we haven’t even officially broken up. I just told him to go fuck himself and then spent the next two days ignoring all his calls and messages, so it was as good as a break-up.
Ian hardly even bats an eyelid. ‘Oh boy, I knew it had to be him, but I didn’t think it would be this fast.’
‘Yeah, well, rub it in why don’t you. You were right. We got together and then it ended badly. Proved your point, didn’t I.’ Every word is a bitter mess. I hate that this is exactly what he warned me about. I hate more that I didn’t listen and that I actually thought Ian was being a dick.
‘This is exactly what I warned you about.’ Ian sighs, pulling his glasses off to rub at the bridge of his nose.
‘I could see it happening over the summer. You started looking at him differently and then you started hanging out with him, even flirting on the radio like idiots and now you’re moping over him – and you still have to work with him. It’s ridiculous.’
‘Wow, thanks, man. Really appreciate it. I’m talking to you because I trust you and I’ve always admired the work you’ve done in this sport.
’ Or because I have no one else to talk to, and I at least don’t think Ian will report me.
Lecture me about being an idiot, sure, but I don’t think he’ll go running to Nathan telling him everything.
He has nothing to gain from that, and the team needs Johannes and me to work together for the last few races for Johannes to have any chance of still bringing home the Driver’s Championship.
‘I’m just being honest with you. I’m not about to sugarcoat the fallout that could come from this. Plus, it’ll be your job on the chopping block, not his. He could actually win this whole thing, so they’ll never sacrifice him. You’ll be wheeled quietly out the back door and for what?’
For him. It’s idiotic to even still be thinking that it would be worth it when I’ve had to witness him breaking down and losing his damn mind over another guy. Someone he was with for years. Jackson Calder. Not in a million years did I see that coming.
I’d never have even guessed in my wildest dreams. But looking back now at how Johannes has been this season, especially in the second half, it’s clear he was heartbroken. I hate that that’s what Jackson did to him, and I hate that I feel sorry for him even now, when it’s me that’s heartbroken.
It’s so easy to love Johannes Müller. He’s fun, and playful but determined, and he has the kind of drive that any of the other racers would kill for.
He’s also caring and gentle, and when you’re with him you can’t help but feel cherished and safe.
I already miss being wrapped up in his arms and it’s only been two days. How pathetic is that?
‘Well, it doesn’t matter now, because it’s over.
And the season will be done in three races’ time and I’m sure after winter break it’ll all be forgotten about.
’ Maybe Johannes and Jackson will give it another shot.
Maybe Jackson will poach him for Hendersohm.
Elijah’s getting on in age, and with two kids and one on the way, I’m sure he’ll be wanting to spend more time at home.
That thought messes me up through every meeting of the day and then keeps me up most of the night.
* * *
When it’s time for free practice one, I can’t even look at Johannes. I feel his presence the second he comes into the garage. Every single hair on my body stands on end and my mouth goes dry, and that’s before I turn around to get a look at him.
He looks like shit. Stubble on his chin, puffy eyes, no smile.
He’s courteous to the team and everyone around him, but his spark isn’t there.
It’s like we’re back on that beach in Zandvoort, or on the plane after Silverstone and he’s a broken shell again.
Then it was Jackson Calder’s fault, but this time he bears his share of responsibility.
He should have told me. And now it’s up to me to coax a dazzling performance out of him or my head’s on the chopping block.
I can’t help but be taken back to that alleyway, the thick and fast tears pouring from his eyes as he recalls to Harper how Johannes broke his heart.
Their two-and-a-half-year relationship. All of that hurt, poured out into that alleyway.
‘Morning,’ he says as he approaches me and I grip my tablet to the point that it’s causing indents in my hand. ‘Can we, uh, talk before I have to go warm up?’
I shake my head, not trusting my words right now. If I speak, I’m either going to say something I regret or I’m going to tell him everything will be okay and haul him into my arms. And neither approach will solve any of my problems.
‘Please,’ he begs and at least he has the dignity and respect to do it quietly.
‘I can’t, Johannes. Not here, not right now. Can we just get the race weekend out of the way and then we’ll talk?’
He deserves a chance to explain himself and I need to understand why this has all collapsed so spectacularly.
He sighs before resigning himself to the fact that I’m not going to give him any more than that. ‘Okay, yeah. Thank you. Straight after the race, though, we’ll talk in private. I have so much I need to say and I just, uh, I miss you, Caleb.’
My heart shatters on the spot, because I miss him way more than I’ll ever admit.
‘Me, too,’ I whisper back, before pushing my chair away from him because I can’t be so close to him right now.
Not unless I want to do something stupid like blow off talking all together and just kiss him.
That’s what my heart really wants. ‘After the race,’ I confirm, and force my eyes back to my screen, hoping he’ll take the hint that the conversation is over.
And then I’m disappointed when he walks away, as though that wasn’t what I asked him to do.
My heart longs for him to fight for us, for me, for him to tell me I’ve got it all wrong and he’s over Jackson and I’m the one he wants, but I’m not stupid enough to believe that will happen.
I watched him cry his heart out for Jackson Calder – no way would he ever do that for me.
This isn’t some romcom, where the nerdy sidekick gets the super-hot megastar.
This is real life. My real life. And in three weeks’ time, when the season is over, I’ll go back to Tennessee for a while and allow my mom to send me on some shitty first dates before returning to the factory to start the season all over again.
On my own. Because that’s how this story ends.