Chapter 27 #2
‘Hey, I’m trying. I put him to bed one night when he was too drunk to stand and I’ve taken him out for dinner in a lot of cities recently.
Hang on, talking of that, you never did say where you went when you didn’t show up for dinner with us in Zandvoort…
’ Harper’s stare pins me to my seat as he waits an answer.
I’m about to remind him that he promised not to ask any questions, but the cogs are already turning in Caleb’s head as he says, ‘Hang on, didn’t you say that night—’ He turns to look at me and I’m frantically shaking my head.
‘Oh, you bailed on us for your new boyfriend. That’s low man. I told you he wasn’t in a good place,’ Harper quickly buts in.
I’m trapped in the corner of the booth, unable to escape this absolute torture. Caleb is staring at me and he looks confused, but also disappointed and a little angry.
I can’t blame him. I kept my biggest secret from him, and that’s not the basis any relationship should start on. I need to get out of here.
I feel trapped and panicky, like there’s no way out. But then my rational mind kicks in, and I ask Caleb to move so I can get past. I’m up on my feet and heading towards an exit before I can stop myself.
I’m not even sure where I’m going until I’m at the back of the restaurant, pushing the emergency-exit door open, the chill of the late November air biting at my face.
For a couple of seconds, I lean my head against the brick wall, but in reality I want to slam my fists into it.
‘What the fuck, Jo?’ I’m trying to steady my breathing as my best friend steps out into the secluded alley behind the restaurant.
‘This is all so fucked up,’ I mutter, still facing the wall. I can’t look at him right now and it’s not even Harper’s fault. I just feel like I’ve been transported back six months, trapped in a big secret as everything falls apart.
‘What’s fucked up? What are you talking about? I know I said I wouldn’t ask any questions, but aren’t we passed that?’
His hand touches my shoulder softly and I turn to my best friend, a single tear slipping down my cheek as he pulls me close, letting me rest my head on his shoulders.
‘I fucking hate him,’ I cry into his shoulder.
‘Who, Jo? Who? Jackson? What did he do?’ He’s trying to be calm for me, but there’s a nervous edge to his tone as he releases me from his grip to get a proper look at me. To try and understand what I’m saying.
He’s right. We’re passed that now.
‘I’m sorry, Harp. I’m sorry. I couldn’t tell you because he’s going to be your new boss.’
‘I don’t understand.’
‘Jackson strung me along for nearly three years and then ended it, just like that! He doesn’t get to be sad about it when it was him. His choice. I kept trying, and he just pushed me away every single time for the team.’
‘Ended … what? Jo, you aren’t making any sense.’ Confusion, then realisation is etched on Harper’s face.
I’ve never actually said the words out loud before. It feels like a foreign language at this point.
‘Our relationship. We were together.’
‘I’m sorry, what?’ Harper asks, his voice pitchy, arms splayed up in the air in complete and utter shock as he pulls away from me.
‘You remember that night in Florida that you were pissed at me because I abandoned you and went home with someone. That was Jackson.’
‘That was over three years ago! And you broke up when?’
‘At your wedding.’
‘Fucking hell, Jo. You’re kidding me.’
‘I wish I was.’
He shakes his head. ‘It all makes sense now with what’s happened and how you were performing earlier in the season—’
‘It’s why you were such a mess after Silverstone,’ Caleb finishes from the doorway. I didn’t even hear the door open, but he’s looking silently between me and Harper trying to make sure he’s pieced all of this together correctly.
He looks as broken as I feel, eyes shimmering under the luminous emergency light, hands shaking where they rest on the emergency-exit bar.
‘Caleb, I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to find out like this.’ I go to step towards him, but he takes two back, arms wrapped around his chest, protectively.
‘Find out what? This huge secret you’ve been keeping? Or that you’re clearly still completely torn up over your ex? What has this been, huh? A rebound? Something to keep your mind off him? What the fuck, Johannes?’
‘It’s not like that at all.’ I want to cry and scream and make him understand, but I can’t because everything’s a mess in my brain right now.
A scramble of completely overwhelming thoughts and feelings that I can’t get straight.
More than two and a half years unravelling in front of my eyes that I can’t even begin to process.
No matter how much my heart wants to save my current relationship, the rest of me is too much of a mess to even speak.
‘I actually thought you were the good guy in this sport, Johannes. A little misunderstood after all of your antics, but if you can keep this a secret, what else are you hiding?’
Nothing. I want to say it but nothing comes out. I’m left looking at him wordlessly as he waits expectantly, before a surge of anger colours his face beetroot and he has to shake out his balled fists.
‘Fantastic. And fuck you,’ he grunts out, before turning back inside, the door slamming behind him again.
‘FUUUUUCK!’ I scream, and slam my fists into the wall, the ridges of the bricks grazing my skin.
‘You need to calm down, Jojo. You don’t want restaurant staff coming out here and selling some kind of anger-issues story to the press.’ Since when did Harper care about the stories? He still did stupid shit even though he was happily married.
‘Fucking hell, did you finally go to that PR training?’ I ask, which causes us both to laugh. ‘This isn’t funny, he’s probably going to break up with me now and never speak to me again.’
‘I have to admit, even I’m confused. I’m not sure why you’re this wound up. Do you still love Jackson?’
‘No! I love Caleb, I just… Fuck! It was too much. Hearing all of that, hearing how hurt he is even though he did this. He chose the job over me. It hurt all over again, but not because I want him back or I’m still holding out hope, but because he put me through hell.
He broke me and you don’t just get over that in a couple of months, even if you’ve fallen in love with somebody else. ’
‘What do you mean?’ His gaze narrows like he’s trying to piece it together but doesn’t want it to be true.
‘He made me swear not to tell a soul. Ever. And then he gradually broke me down, piece by piece, day by day, and he knew I couldn’t talk about it with anyone.’
‘But you could have told me, Jo. I would have kept it a secret.’
‘From Kian? I would never ask you to do that. And I would never ask you to choose between our friendship and your career. You know I would never do that.’
‘But you’re my fiercest rival and also my best friend and we make it work. I’d have found a way.’
I groan again. ‘You don’t think I told him that every time I pleaded the case on looping you in?’
‘I don’t get it.’
‘Me either,’ I reply, leaning against the wall to try and catch my breath after everything that’s happened this evening.
‘Maybe start from the beginning,’ he suggests.
‘We’ll be here all day. The short of it is, everything was amazing at the beginning.
I fell for him so quickly. Then we came back after that first winter break and things changed a bit, but not a lot.
Like, he was around less, but not that it was super noticeable.
Then, gradually, bit by bit, he pulled away – always leaving just enough breadcrumbs that kept me trailing after him but ultimately unsatisfied.
He forgot my birthday – you remember? That night? When you all came to my room?’
Harper puts his head in his hands. ‘Jojo…’
‘At first it was exciting to be a dirty little secret, but then it was just dirty. Always sneaking around, like he was ashamed of me. It made me feel just so … wrong. So bad about myself. So unlovable. I could see what you and Kian have, and I was fucking jealous, because I knew deep down he would never want that with me and that made me hate myself a little. You were right when you said in Monza that I stopped trusting myself. That I lost confidence in myself. This is why.’
‘Oh, Jojo. I’m so sorry. I had no idea.’ He quickly holds his hand up before he corrects himself.
‘Actually, I did. I knew something was wrong. I definitely knew at the start you were seeing someone because it was written all over your face, but I had no idea it was him or that he was putting you through all of this.’
‘What’s going on?’ Kian asks, joining us in the alley. ‘I tried to stop Caleb bolting, but there was no stopping him. Did you guys have a fight?’
I shake my head, but I can’t start the story again, so I look to Harper with pleading eyes. ‘Johannes and Jackson were together for the last two-and-a-half years, Jackson made him keep it secret, treated him like shit and broke up with him at our wedding. I’ll fill you in on the details later.’
To Kian’s credit, he says nothing and accepts that he’ll find out everything he needs to know later from his husband, but his face is anything but neutral.
‘I’m sorry, Kian,’ I say on a sob.
‘I’m gonna fucking kill him!’ Harper rages.
This is exactly what I didn’t want. ‘No, you’re not, because he’s about to become your team principal and he’s one of your husband’s closest friends. What happened between us is in the past.’
‘I still wanna kill him. He’s been hurting my best friend, right under my nose, for years.’ Harper’s practically foaming at the mouth until his husband lays a calming hand on his shoulder and Harper melts under it.
‘There were good times, too… He was under a lot of stress…’
‘Don’t make excuses for him!’ Harper protests, but I just shake my head.
‘I need to go after Caleb and get him to hear me out.’
‘I think that’s a good idea,’ Kian agrees. ‘He’s a great guy and I can tell how much he cares about you. I love Jackson, but … he’s like Anders in some of the worst ways and sacrifices everyone and everything at the altar of Hendersohm.’
‘I don’t care about any of that. I’m serious in what I’m saying.
You can’t treat Jackson any differently.
When he becomes your boss, Harper, he’ll hold your whole future in his hands.
Don’t throw that away. Thanks to Caleb, I’m not broken anymore.
I’m just not quite all put back together, either. But I will be. I will be.’
‘Johannes Müller’s words of wisdom.’
I’m not sure after all of this, that I actually have any wisdom, but I’m going to need some if I’m going to fix this between me and Caleb.