Chapter 5
5
‘Come in, come in,’ Sophie says, opening her front door and beckoning me inside. She looks stunning, as always, this time in a gold and green kaftan, which shouldn’t work but she somehow manages to pull off. I slip my trainers off and pad towards the back of the house where I can already hear music playing. ‘Kirstie’s just got here,’ Sophie says, following behind me. Sure enough, Kirstie’s sprawled on the sofa in the corner of the room by the patio doors, which are pulled slightly open to let some air in. She has her feet tucked under her, a mug in her hand, and she grins at me as I enter. I blow her a kiss and go and help myself to the pot of coffee sitting on the hob. Sophie only drinks herbal tea but always makes a huge vat of coffee whenever Kirstie and I come over. It tastes terrible, but we haven’t the heart to tell her.
‘So, I have news,’ I say, plonking myself next to Kirstie. The breeze from outside is cool and I’m glad of it as the early-evening sun pounds through the glass roof. Sophie folds herself into one of the wicker chairs opposite us and sips her tea.
‘Good or bad news?’
‘Not great.’ I take a gulp of coffee and almost choke. It tastes like burnt tarmac. ‘I’ve been made redundant.’
I’d been called in to see the head a couple of days after the initial announcement was made, and sure enough, it was a ‘last in, first out’ policy.
‘I’m sure you can understand this is out of my hands,’ the head, Mr McDonald, had explained, even though I knew perfectly well it was entirely in his hands. ‘It’s just the policy the school has, which means we’re faced with losing some of our best, most experienced staff.’ I nodded mutely. He was right though. Many of the teachers in this school had been there for years and had become, at best, complacent about their teaching methods. At worst, incompetent. Teachers like me who had spent most of their career in state schools were generally better, and more efficient at our jobs.
It didn’t seem to matter though. What did matter was that I’d only been there a year, and therefore I was one of the easiest to get out – not to mention the cheapest, with the smallest redundancy payout. I would finish at Easter, and then I’d need to look for something else.
‘Oh, M,’ Sophie says now. ‘That’s rubbish.’
‘Jesus, I’m so sorry M’rand,’ Kirstie says. ‘I really hoped you were wrong.’
‘It’s fine,’ I say, despite the fact it isn’t really. ‘There’s plenty of supply work around.’
‘Well, good. But my offer still stands, okay?’ Kirstie eyeballs me and I nod, even though I have no intention of taking any money from her. ‘Which reminds me,’ she adds, ‘one of my clients has asked if you’ll do some English tutoring for their youngest.’
‘Sure. How old?’
‘Six. They said they wanted to start early.’ She rolls her eyes.
‘Poor kid.’
‘I know.’
‘Well, thanks. I’ll speak to them.’
Sophie places her hand on my arm. ‘Pleeeease let me do you a reading. This is the perfect time, when you’re at a crossroads in your life. Especially since—’ She stops, her face colouring, and glances up at Kirstie, who rolls her eyes again.
‘Obviously I told Soph about Darren,’ Kirstie says, getting straight to the point.
‘I hope you don’t mind, she was just worried about you,’ Sophie says, her eyes wide.
‘It’s fine. It’s not a big deal and I was going to tell you today anyway.’
‘Well, good. But that makes it even more important to do a reading. It could give you some direction, some hope.’
‘God loves a trier,’ Kirstie says, laughing.
‘I know, I know,’ Sophies concedes. ‘And I know you two think I’m completely mad, but honestly, times like this, when you’re feeling a bit lost, are absolutely the ideal time for this sort of thing.’
Kirstie leans forward. ‘Soph, how long have we been friends?’
‘Twenty-five years?’
‘More. And how many times have either Miranda or I said yes to your offer of any sort of reading, tarot or otherwise?’ She’s teasing, a lightness to her voice.
Sophie sticks her tongue out. ‘Once.’
Kirstie’s eyes widen. ‘Once?’ She looks at me. ‘Kennedy, was that you?’
I hold my hands up. ‘Guilty as charged. But in my defence it was when Nick left, and I was vulnerable.’
Kirstie laughs and turns back to Sophie. ‘Well, there you have it, m’lud. The evidence, somewhat weakened by my esteemed colleague but nevertheless still damning, proves that your pleas to give us a reading don’t work, and therefore I can conclude that the answer on this occasion too, is very likely to be no.’ She crosses her arms and sits back, looking pleased with herself.
Before Sophie can say anything, I do.
‘Actually, Soph, I might take you up on it.’
The air stills and I don’t dare look at Kirstie. Then Sophie squeals and Kirstie explodes with laughter.
‘Fuuuuuck!’ she says. ‘That is not what I expected you to say!’
‘Do you mean it?’ Sophie says, her cheeks pink.
I smile. ‘Do you know what, sod it, I really think I do.’ What the hell have I got to lose? I’ve already lost my job and my sort-of boyfriend, the only excitement I’m getting is from spending time with a fantasy man when I’m asleep, I’m rattling around in a house all by myself and I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life. What harm can letting my friend give me a reading do, even if I do think it’s a load of old rubbish? It might just give me some food for thought – and if not, at least it will keep Sophie happy.
Which is how I find myself, twenty minutes later, drinking neat vodka with Kirstie while Sophie arranges her tarot cards on the kitchen table. The music has been turned off (‘we both need to concentrate for this,’ Sophie told me solemnly), and I’m trying not to look at Kirstie because I know she’ll make me laugh.
Finally, Sophie tells me to step up to the table and take a seat opposite her. She’s turned the lights low and a couple of candles flicker on either side of us, casting her half into shadow.
‘You either stay over there and don’t say a word, or go into another room for ten minutes,’ Sophie warns, pointing at Kirstie.
Kirstie mimes zipping her mouth up. ‘Not a peep from me, I promise.’
Sophie shoots her one last look, then turns back to face me. She places her hands on the pack of cards and picks it up.
‘Now, in a minute I’m going to ask you to shuffle these cards, split them into three piles and lay them face down in front of you,’ she says. ‘But first, think of a question you want to ask the universe.’
Behind me, Kirstie snorts and Sophie glares at her.
‘Sorry,’ Kirstie mutters. I hear the creak of the sofa springs, then Kirstie’s hand is on my shoulder as she passes behind my chair. ‘I’ll give you ten minutes.’
She disappears into the back garden clutching her vodka glass. Once she’s gone, Sophie hands me the pack of cards. Her hands linger for a minute as she stares into my eyes. For all that I’m convinced this is a load of nonsense, it’s very intense, and I search her face for something. What I’m looking for I’m not quite sure.
‘Are you ready?’ she says, her voice low.
I nod.
‘Right. You need to shuffle these then lay them out in three piles.’ I do as she instructs.
‘Now, pick a pack. Don’t overthink it, just choose whichever one you feel the most drawn to.’
I study the three piles of cards, wondering how I’m meant to know whether one is drawing me to it more than the others. Should I be feeling some sort of divine intervention, a tingling in my fingertips? I start to worry I’m doing this all wrong and in the end just slam my hand down on the pack in the middle, which seems as good a choice as any.
Pathetically, I’m pleased when Sophie smiles. She picks the other two packs off the table and clears them out of the way, then turns her attention back to me. There’s something about her when she’s doing a reading. She becomes more serious. For some reason this makes me want to laugh and I have to bite my lip. She believes in this stuff, so I need to respect that.
I watch as Sophie takes the remaining pack and plucks three cards from the top, turning them over and placing them on the table one by one. I study her face for some sort of reaction to what she sees but, whether it’s her excellent poker face or the candlelight, I can’t tell what she’s thinking.
I look down at the cards in front of me. The first one has an orange compass in the middle, and a few winged animals sitting on clouds. On the next one, a man stands on a cloud, a little dog at his heels. He’s wearing some sort of dress and holding a long stick over his shoulder. Curious. The final one has a naked man and woman who are being watched by a purple-clad goddess next to a range of mountains. I try not to stare at the man’s willy and look back up at Sophie.
She doesn’t speak and I wonder whether I’m supposed to be asking a question? Just as I’m about to blurt something out to break the awkward silence, she moves her hand and points at the first card, the one with the orange disc.
‘This card is what’s known as the Wheel of Fortune,’ she says, and I nod earnestly. ‘It’s a good card to start with because it has lots of positive connotations. It can be an indicator of good luck or fortune and can also suggest that some big changes are coming.’ She catches my eye and smiles, and I smile back. For some reason my heart is thumping even though I don’t believe in any of this stuff. She can’t tell me if I’m about to die, can she? Oh God, what if she can?
I look back down at the cards just as Sophie starts speaking again. ‘This is good news for you, Miranda, because it means the universe has a plan for you, even if it’s not entirely clear what that plan might be yet.’ A shiver goes down my spine. Even cynical old me has wondered whether the universe might be trying to tell me something with these dreams I’ve been having. That I should be trying to find Jay, maybe? Who knows? I focus back in on what Sophie is saying.
‘It means that the universe is working on your behalf and will bring you the love you deserve. It means you might be about to meet your soulmate.’
She stops and I realise she’s looking at me, waiting for some sort of reaction.
‘Wow, that would be nice,’ I say, and smile weakly.
‘Well, yes. But you do have to put some effort in yourself,’ she says. ‘He’s not going to just land in your lap.’
Dammit.
‘What about the next one?’ I say, and she passes her gaze to the next card.
‘This is The Fool,’ she says, giving me a grin. ‘It doesn’t mean that, though, as I’m sure you know.’ She picks it up and studies it more closely, then puts it down again. ‘This card generally points to new beginnings, and new paths in life.’ She looks up. ‘So, this could be something to do with your job, couldn’t it?’
I nod.
‘It’s a pretty positive card, and it could mean you’re on the verge of something new and exciting. An adventure of some sort.’ She claps her hands together and makes me jump. ‘This is exciting,’ she says, although I’m struggling to share her belief that a few cards can truly carry so much significance.
‘This last one is The Lovers,’ she says, and lets out a low whistle. ‘It means you might get lucky!’
‘That sounds professional,’ I say, laughing.
She grins. ‘Sorry.’ She looks back down at the table but there’s still a smile playing at the corner of her mouth. ‘You’re faced with a dilemma, a choice to make. An important choice. But it can also signify a soulmate?—’
‘Ooh!’ The voice comes from behind me and we both look up at the interruption.
‘Kirstie, bugger off!’ Sophie yells, flapping her hands. Kirstie looks suitably chastened and scurries over to the sofa and sits down. ‘Sorry, I’ll be quiet as a mouse. I promise.’
I turn back to the table and see Sophie scowling.
‘As I was saying before we were RUDELY interrupted’ – this last word said loudly for Kirstie’s benefit – ‘this card can mean love is coming your way, and that you might be about to meet the love of your life.’
There’s a moment of silence as I take her words in. Then, like a volcano erupting, there’s an explosion of laughter behind me.
‘I guess you’re not talking about Darren then?’ Kirstie says.
‘At least someone here finds the state of my love life amusing,’ I say grumpily, picking up a drinks coaster and chucking it at her. It hits her square on the forehead.
‘Oi!’
‘Serves you right,’ Sophie says.
‘I was only teasing,’ Kirstie says, rubbing at her forehead. There’s a small red mark just above her left eyebrow and I feel bad.
‘Sorry.’ I turn back to Sophie. ‘Thanks, Soph. That was… interesting.’
‘I know you think it’s all a load of bollocks’ – it’s like she can read my mind – ‘but I promise you it means something. It’s like the cards have chosen you rather than you’ve chosen them.’ She reaches out her hand and places it on my arm. ‘But you know that this isn’t a guide to life, or a prediction. It’s just a reading, which means it can be interpreted in lots of different ways. I just say it the way I see things.’
‘So, all that stuff about meeting my soulmate…’
‘Could still very much happen. The cards are telling you that the universe is perfectly aligned for that, should you be in a position to make it happen.’
‘What you’re saying is, she needs to go out drinking and pull someone?’
Sophie stands and walks over to the wicker chair she previously vacated then sits down in it once more. She pours a shot of vodka from the bottle and tips it down her throat. ‘What I’m saying, Kirstie, is absolutely that.’
‘Oh God, not tonight,’ I groan. ‘I just want to go to bed and sleep for a thousand hours.’
‘You’d rather spend time with a figment of your imagination than go out and find a real man is what you mean.’ Kirstie gives me a meaningful look.
‘No, not really. To be honest that’s all pretty exhausting. I just wish I could either work out who he was so I could find him in real life, or that the dreams would stop.’
‘What dreams are they then?’
We all look round at the same time to find Pieter, Sophie’s husband, standing in the kitchen doorway.
‘Oh nothing,’ I mumble, my face burning.
‘Heeey, darling!’ Kirstie yells, waving her glass in the air, and I realise she’s quite a bit more drunk than I am. I pour a splash of vodka into a glass, top it up with tonic water – no more neat spirits for me – and take a large gulp, hoping Kirstie doesn’t tell Pieter what we were talking about. I adore him, but I don’t want to discuss my love life – or lack of it – with him. And I certainly have no intention of telling him about my dreams.
He steps inside the room and glances down at the table where the tarot cards are still laid out. ‘Oh I see,’ he says, nodding knowingly.
‘Miranda said she wanted a reading,’ Sophie says, slightly defensively, as though Pieter has accused her of doing something she shouldn’t be.
Pieter’s gaze slides my way, eyebrows raised. Pieter adores Sophie – even after twenty-five years together – so I know he’s only teasing her. But I also don’t want to upset her so I just smile. ‘Guilty as charged,’ I say.
‘I see,’ he says again, a smile playing on his lips. ‘And has it been useful?’
‘I’ll let you know.’
He sets about pouring himself a coffee and I watch as he takes a sip and grimaces. I smother a smile as he leaves the room.
‘What’s up?’ Kirstie is studying me intently and I wonder what she sees on my face. I shrug.
‘I dunno. I suppose I just never thought I’d get to the grand old age of forty-nine and still be wondering when I’m likely to get my shit together.’
Kirstie takes a sip of vodka and shakes her head. ‘You have got your shit together. You’ve got two great kids, you still get on with your ex-husband. Your job situation is not your fault and you’ll easily find another one, and as for Darren – well, the least said about him the better.’ She looks at Sophie. ‘Tell her, Soph.’
Sophie leans forward and wraps her hands round mine, holding them gently. ‘Kirstie’s right, M. I know it might feel like everything has gone wrong, but you’ve got so much going for you.’ She smiles shyly. ‘And I know you’re sceptical about the tarot cards, but I believe in them and I really believe there’s a big change about to come.’
‘Thanks, guys. I don’t know what I’d do without you.’
‘Well, you’ll never have to find out, will you?’ Kirstie tops up my glass and grins.
I’m overcome by a sudden urge to be on my own, and I stand abruptly. My legs are a little wobbly and I’m not sure whether it’s the vodka or the reading, but either way I feel the need to get away from this room for a while.
‘Are you okay?’ Sophie says, peering at me with a look of concern.
‘Yes I’m fine. I just need a bit of air.’
Before either of them can say anything else I step past Kirstie and out through the patio doors onto the decking where I stop and take a few deeps breaths.
I stroll towards the end of the garden. It’s cool out here now and dusk has crept in, throwing the garden into semi-darkness, but I can still make out the old swing set at the end and that’s where I head. When I get there I sit on the swing and let my feet brush the grass. It used to be completely bald underfoot here from years of the kids playing, but the grass has had a chance to grow back now. I smile at the memory of our children all playing out here when they were young – my Zara and Joe, Kirstie’s George and Lily, and Sophie’s children Liv, Netanya and Jacob. They’re all grown up now, leading their own lives, making their way in the world, and my heart cracks at the memory of those little people, playing innocently under the stars.
I can’t avoid thinking about what Sophie said forever. Usually I’m totally sceptical about these things, so I’m not sure what has thrown me so much. But I just can’t seem to shake the feeling that there might be something in it. Something connected to my dreams that I shouldn’t just be ignoring. Some sort of sign.
The question is, what?
‘You okay?’ Sophie’s voice cuts through the gloom and I look up to see her hovering like a garden nymph a few feet away. I smile.
‘Hey,’ I say, and she steps closer.
‘I was worried about you.’ I stop swinging, anchoring my feet to the ground and gripping the rope tight. ‘Did I say something wrong?’
I shake my head. ‘No, of course you didn’t.’ An owl hoots and I try to work out what else to say. Sophie presses her hand against my arm.
‘Want to talk about it?’
I didn’t think I did but something about the almost-darkness and Sophie’s gentle, soothing voice, makes me want to open up to her properly.
‘I keep thinking about what you said,’ I say.
‘Which bit?’
I look up at the stars, trying to find the words. ‘When you said I might be about to meet the love of my life?’ I say it like a question, but Sophie waits. ‘Did you…’I swallow, unsure.
‘What is it, M? What are you trying to ask me?’ Her voice is gentle, and I feel suddenly brave.
‘You said something about the universe being perfectly aligned for it, if I was in a position to make it happen.’
She nods. ‘I did.’
I look down at my feet now. The silence grows in the dark garden and I take a deep breath.
‘I’m wondering if I should go and look for him.’
A brief pause and I wonder if she isn’t sure who I’m talking about. Then: ‘Find Jay you mean?’
‘Yes. You said my soulmate wasn’t just going to fall into my lap, and you’re right. Plus, I’ve been having these dreams about this man for the last nine months and I… I don’t know.’ I trail off.
‘You feel like this might be a good time to see if you can find him?’
Do I? Maybe. ‘I feel like I’ve got nothing to lose by giving it a go.’
‘Then maybe that’s exactly what you should do.’
I look up, try to see her face, but it’s still in the shadows.
‘You don’t think it would be ridiculous?’
‘Do you?’
‘A bit,’ I concede. ‘I also think I might regret it if I don’t at least try.’
She doesn’t speak for a minute and I wonder whether I’ve said the wrong thing.
‘You know Kirstie will think you’ve gone mad, don’t you?’
A laugh bursts from me. ‘I do know that. And I also don’t blame her because I’d feel exactly the same way if the situation were reversed.’
‘But?’
‘But the more I think about it, the more I just think, why not?’
Sophie steps towards me and I feel her hand press against my arm.
‘I’ll support you, whatever you decide to do.’
‘I know. Thank you.’
She pulls me in for a hug and we stand like that for a few moments, her heart beating against me. When she pulls away the air between us feels cool.
‘So where do you think you might start?’ she says.
Good question. ‘I think I should go to Newcastle,’ I say, surprising even myself.
‘Really? You mean go and live there?’
I shrug. ‘Maybe. For a short while at least.’ I smile. ‘I’ve never been to Newcastle and the thing is, even if I hadn’t been having these dreams, and you hadn’t done this reading for me, I keep thinking that a change of scenery might be just what I need right now. You know, to reset myself and get a fresh perspective on what I actually want to do with the rest of my life. I’ve been drifting along for too long now.’ I jump off the swing. ‘So I just think – why not?’
Sophie nods thoughtfully. ‘Like sticking a rocket up your arse?’
I grin. ‘Exactly like that. And if I find Jay at the same time, then even better.’
Sophie hooks her arm through mine. ‘Shall we go inside and break the news to Kirstie?’
‘Do we have to?’ I say as we start walking.
She grins, her face lit up by the light from the kitchen as we get closer. ‘If you do it quickly it’ll be less painful.’
‘Like pulling off a plaster you mean?’
‘Exactly.’
* * *
‘Finally decided to come back and join me, have you?’ Kirstie’s words are slurred as we step back inside the house and I wonder how much vodka she’s had. A glance down at the bottle reveals it might be quite a lot.
‘Sorry, Kirst,’ I say, folding myself into the sofa beside her. Sophie pulls the patio door shut and sits down opposite us.
‘So what were you two off gossiping about then?’
I pick up my glass and twirl it round. Sophie fiddles with a stray piece of cotton on her kaftan. Kirstie looks from me to Sophie and back again, then folds her arms.
‘Come on, you two, out with it. What have you been plotting?’
I glance at Sophie but she’s refusing to meet my gaze. I’m on my own here.
‘I’ve decided to go and look for him.’
Kirstie’s eyes flit back and forth again and she scrunches her face up. ‘Who? What are you talking about?’
‘Jay.’
The word hovers like a bubble in the air between us. Then, pop! Realisation dawns.
‘You’re… you’re not serious?’ she says. Her eyes are wide, disbelieving. She picks up her glass from the coffee table but it’s empty so she slams it back down again and points at Sophie. ‘This is your doing.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘This…’ she twirls her hand around in the air, ‘nonsense. Putting ideas into her head.’
‘This wasn’t Sophie’s idea,’ I say. ‘It was mine.’
Kirstie’s head whips round to look at me. For a minute I think she’s going to shout at me, but then her face softens and she shakes her head.
‘Honestly, you two, you’ll be the death of me,’ she says. She props her chin in her hand and studies us both. ‘So what’s the plan then? How exactly do you propose to look for someone you saw once in real life, from a distance?’
‘I’m going to Newcastle.’
‘Newcastle? For how long?’
‘I…’ I pause. ‘A few weeks. Maybe longer.’
Kirstie looks at me. When I say no more, her eyes open wide. ‘Oh, is that it? Is that the grand plan? And then what? You think you’ll just bump into him by chance and fall madly in love and live happily ever after.’
‘I—’ I start.
‘Kirstie, don’t,’ Sophie says, softly.
Kirstie looks at her. ‘I’m not being mean, Sophie. I just…’ She stops. ‘You’re not really serious about this, are you, Miranda?’
‘I think so,’ I say, suddenly certain. ‘I just feel like a need a bit of a change. What have I got to lose?’
‘Your dignity? Your sanity?’
‘Kirstie.’ Sophie sounds firmer now and Kirstie holds her hands up in acknowledgement.
‘Sorry, sorry. I just can’t believe you think this is a good idea. And I can’t believe you’re encouraging her,’ Kirstie says.
‘This is nothing to do with Sophie,’ I say. ‘It’s all me. Sophie’s tarot reading made me realise I need to take matters into my own hands and do something different with my life, rather than just sitting around moping and hoping something’s going to change.’
Kirstie studies me for a moment as if she’s trying to work out whether I’ve lost my mind entirely.
‘Fine. But I’m going to make it my mission to change your mind about this every day from now until the day you leave.’
‘Of course you are,’ I say. ‘I’d expect nothing less.’