Chapter 11
11
It’s overcast when I leave the flat the next morning, but I feel a lightness in my step that I hadn’t expected. I don’t know whether it’s because I’m excited about having somewhere more concrete to look for Jay, or whether I’m simply looking forward to seeing Matt again. Either way, it feels good to have somewhere to be, and someone to be with.
‘Be careful, meeting up with randos in the park,’ Kirstie had warned me last night when I’d filled her and Sophie in on my day.
‘It’s fine, we’re meeting in the middle of a park with his ancient dog, I don’t think I’m in any immediate danger.’
‘Well, you can never be too careful.’
In the end I agreed they could both track me on my mobile, just in case I was bundled into a car boot and driven to some remote house to be tortured.
‘You might be slightly overreacting,’ I told them, but I was comforted by the fact that they cared so much.
I check the route on my phone and turn the next corner, marching down a street lined with identical terraced homes in varying states of repair – clearly a mixture of family homes and student digs. After a few minutes I can make out a patch of woodland ahead, and the road starts to dip towards it. The map tells me to take one of the footpaths through the woods, so I do as I’m told and find some steep steps heading downwards. It’s quiet in here, cocooned by the trees, and I can hear the sound of gushing water and birds tweeting in the trees. It’s peaceful and I take a moment to breathe deeply.
Crossing the river, I follow the signs to the Millfield café. It’s busier here, a mix of dog walkers, students with backpacks and parents watching young children zipping around on scooters, and I scan the face of every man I pass with trepidation. Would I know if one of them was Jay?
‘Miranda!’ I turn to see Matt waving at me from beneath a nearby tree and I swerve off the path to go and join him.
‘Sorry, Gladys needed the loo and I didn’t think they’d appreciate me letting her curl one out on the steps of the café.’ He gives a wry smile. ‘Anyway, I’m glad you came.’
‘Did you think I wouldn’t?’
He shrugs. ‘I was worried you might have second thoughts about meeting a random man in a park once you’d had time to think about it, and I realised I didn’t give you my number.’
I don’t mention the warnings from my best friends, but instead smile at him. ‘Maybe I’m na?ve, but I was just glad to have something to do today that didn’t involve wandering aimlessly around on my own.’
‘Well, good.’
We both peer down at Gladys who has finished her doings and is looking up at Matt expectantly. Matt pulls a green plastic bag from his pocket, bends down and scoops it up with a grimace. ‘One of the joys of dog ownership,’ he says, slinging it into a nearby bin. He hands me the lead. ‘Could you take this for a second while I wash my hands?’
Gladys and I wait, her with her tongue hanging out and staring forlornly at the doorway where her owner just disappeared, me wondering whether being out with a dog really will mean more people talk to me. I bend down to ruffle her ears just as Matt returns, a takeaway cup in each hand.
‘Sorry, I fancied a coffee so I took the liberty of guessing what you’d like. It’s a cappuccino, I hope that’s okay?’
‘Thanks, that’s really kind,’ I say, taking the coffee and handing back Gladys’s lead.
‘Right, well, this is Jesmond Dene,’ he says, arcing his arm round. ‘Gladys and I love it here, don’t we?’ he says, and Gladys wags her tail as if she understands. ‘It’s a little oasis of calm in the city.’
‘It’s lovely,’ I say.
‘Shall we walk? I warn you though, it’ll be slow. Gladys isn’t getting any younger and she does like a leisurely stroll. But maybe that will give you more of a chance to see if you can spot your mystery man as we go.’
‘Oh, right. Yes,’ I say, trying out a laugh, but it sounds fake even to my ears. I’m hoping Matt won’t ask me any more questions about Jay today, because there’s no way I can tell him the truth – that I left behind my perfectly nice life because I felt like I was stuck in a rut, and that my friend did a tarot reading that made me decide to come looking for a man I almost ran over then fell in love with in my dreams. He’d run a mile, and I wouldn’t blame him.
We head away from the café, climbing a gentle slope up past the river. ‘I used to bring my kids here all the time when they were little,’ Matt says as Gladys stops to sniff a tree.
‘How old are they now?’
‘Sixteen, eighteen and twenty,’ he says. ‘Which means they never want to spend time with their boring old dad any more.’
‘I know what you mean. My two are the other side of the globe studying to be doctors and it feels as though I’ll never see them again.’
Matt shakes his head. ‘Mine used to love going to pets corner. Jamie, my eldest, was obsessed with the goats and we had to bring him down to see them every weekend.’
‘So, do they still live with you?’
‘No, they live with their mother in Gosforth – that’s just north of Jesmond. They stayed in the house when we divorced and I bought the house I live in now.’
I know I should reciprocate, tell him a bit more about my life, my kids, about Nick, my job. But sometimes it can be nice to just get to know someone without them feeling sorry for you, without having to explain all my baggage straight away. So for now I ask him questions instead.
‘What do you do for work?’ I ask as Gladys trots along happily beside us.
‘I’m a fundraiser for a local charity,’ he says.
‘That sounds very fulfilling.’
‘It is. Shite pay though unfortunately.’ He grins. ‘But hey, we do what we can, eh?’ He takes a sip of his coffee. ‘So, you’re a teacher, did you say?’
‘Yes. An English teacher.’
‘That sounds fulfilling too.’
I grimace. ‘It can be. Shite pay too.’
‘Good holidays though.’
‘You’d think.’
‘Oh?’ He raises his eyebrows and I sigh, unsure whether I really want to go into it with someone I’ve only just met. But he’s looking at me expectantly, so I tell him.
‘When I got divorced twelve years ago I wanted to keep the house to give the kids some stability. I couldn’t really afford it but I scraped the money together somehow. But it means I’m still paying a huge mortgage and… well, I usually spend the school holidays doing extra tutoring to help pay for it.’ I shrug.
‘That sounds tough.’
I look at him to see if he’s being sarcastic but he seems sincere. ‘It is. I mean, I know it was my choice to keep the house, but it is hard.’ I sigh. ‘The trouble is, now the kids have left, I’ve begun to wonder whether I should just sell it and buy something smaller.’
‘So, you’re planning to go back soon, are you? To London, I mean?’
‘I’m here for at least three months because there’s someone else living in my house right now, but after that I have no idea.’
‘That’s good.’
I look at him sharply. ‘Is it?’
‘Well, yes, I…’ He seems flustered and doesn’t look at me. ‘I just meant… well, Gladys and I will happily show you the sights of Newcastle, if you’d like. While you are here, I mean.’
I glance at him. He’s a handsome man. Tall and slim, and he still has thick, dark hair with only the odd fleck of grey in it. Normally I’d be flattered by someone like him suggesting he wants to spend time with me. But these aren’t normal times. I’m here to track down the man I can’t stop thinking about, who literally interrupts my sleep and sweeps me off my feet, who I feel certain is the man I’m supposed to be with.
Matt isn’t Jay and I can’t afford any distractions, handsome or otherwise.
‘That’s very kind of you, but I’ve got to spend most of my time working and trying to find Jay,’ I say.
‘Oh yes of course,’ Matt says, his face flushing. Gladys stops for another sniff and this time Matt stops and finally looks at me. ‘I’d be happy to help you look for him, if you like?’
‘Really?’
He shrugs. ‘You never know, I might know him, or at least know someone who does. Newcastle isn’t as big as London.’
‘But…’ I trail off. ‘You remember I really don’t know much about him, don’t you?’
‘Yeah, but I like a challenge. Plus it would be nice to show you round, get to know you while we search.’ He flushes again and I smile.
‘Well, in that case I would love your help please. Thank you.’
He nods, and we start walking again. We chat about our kids, about our likes and dislikes, about our friends. I discover he likes books almost as much as me and his favourite book of all time is A Clockwork Orange .
‘I always hated it,’ I say, as he gasps in mock horror. ‘Over-stylised nonsense. But maybe that’s the English teacher in me.’
‘I’m not sure we can be friends after all,’ he says, tugging Gladys away from a dropped ice cream on the path. She looks disgruntled.
‘Well, what’s your favourite film of all time? Maybe I can make up for it with that?’
‘Ooh tricky one,’ he says. ‘It’s a toss-up between The Godfather ?—’
‘Oh no, cliché!’ I interrupt, but he holds his hands up in surrender.
‘Hear me out,’ he says, grinning. ‘ The Godfather because as a middle-aged man I sort of have to choose that. But I’ve also got a secret soft spot for Sleepless in Seattle .’
A laugh escapes my throat. ‘I did not expect you to say that.’
‘Ah, come on, you can’t beat that scene where Meg Ryan is so pissed off because she thinks Tom Hanks is having an affair that she nearly gets run over about twenty times.’
I shake my head and laugh again. ‘Okay, point taken. But what about Groundhog Day ? Now that’s a film.’
‘I’ll give you that one,’ he says. ‘Bill Murray is brilliant in it.’
We walk and talk for a while longer, and before I know it we’ve arrived back at the café. I’m surprised to feel disappointed that we’re here already.
‘Well, thanks for keeping me and Gladys company today, we’ve enjoyed it, haven’t we, girl?’ Matt says, reaching down to rub Gladys’s head with his knuckles. She lifts her face to him and almost smiles.
‘Thank you for showing me the sights.’
‘You’re welcome. Although I’m sorry it didn’t get you any closer to finding your man.’
‘It’s all right. It was a long shot anyway.’
I’m about to say goodbye when Matt looks over to where the tables are starting to fill up in the café courtyard. ‘Would you like to grab some lunch? My treat. Then we can sit out here for a while and people-watch and see if you can spot him?’
‘Oh, you don’t have to do that,’ I say. ‘Haven’t you got anything better to do on your day off than spend it with me?’
He shakes his head. ‘I’ve enjoyed spending it with you so far. But it’s honestly fine if you need to get off, it was just an idea.’
‘I’d love to,’ I find myself saying, before I even realise I’m going to. The truth is, I know it’s highly unlikely I’m just going to bump into Jay on a random dog walk in a city of almost half a million people, especially on a weekday. But without a better plan, it’s all I have right now. Plus I’d actually quite like some company for a bit longer too. It beats going back to my flat and spending the rest of the day alone.
* * *
‘I’m glad you’ve found a friend, but do I get the impression that you might like him a little bit more than you’re letting on?’ Kirstie’s face fills the screen, her eyes wide as she grins at me.
‘Oh shut up.’ I laugh. ‘He’s just a really nice man who offered to show me round.’
‘Hmm, likely story.’ She grins. ‘And you’re absolutely sure he’s not Jay, are you?’
‘Positive,’ I say. ‘For one thing he’s called Matt.’ I grin. ‘Besides, I just feel like I’d know him. You know, that there would be some spark of recognition from the day I almost knocked him flying.’
‘Fair enough. You could still snog Matt though, just while you’re waiting.’
‘I’m not doing that!’ I say, but she’s already disappeared, and in her place is Sophie, rolling her eyes.
‘Ignore her, you know what she’s like,’ she says. Sophie’s hair is wild today, bouncing around her head like Medusa, and I can hear laughter in the background.
‘Who else is there?’ I say, jealousy and loneliness slamming into me like a rock. It’s dark outside now and I don’t know the area well enough to go wandering around by myself so I’m stuck inside alone for the rest of the evening. Sophie throws a glance over her shoulder.
‘No one, just me, Kirstie and Pieter,’ she says. ‘He’s got the TV on.’
I nod sadly and Sophie must notice. ‘Hey, what’s wrong, darling?’ she says, picking up her phone and moving away from the others so she can talk more discreetly.
‘Nothing, it’s just been a long day,’ I say, rubbing my eyes.
‘Are you sure that’s all?’
I feel tears stinging the backs of my eyes and I blink them back furiously. ‘Honestly, I’m fine,’ I say. ‘I just miss you all.’
‘We miss you too,’ she says.
That’s it, I can’t hold it back any longer, and a tear escapes down my cheek. ‘I’m sorry,’ I sniff, wiping it away with the back of my hand. ‘I just keep wondering what the hell I’m doing here.’
‘You’re trying to make something happen, that’s what,’ she says, her voice stern. ‘You’re taking matters into your own hands. Not letting life just pass you by.’
I know she’s right. It’s just difficult to believe it right now.
‘Do you really believe these dreams are a sign that Mr Right is here somewhere, just waiting for me to find him?’ I say. ‘Because I’m starting to realise what a ridiculously huge task I’ve set myself here.’
‘I honestly do believe it, yes. And you do too. You’re just letting loneliness cloud your judgement. But listen, you’ve only just got there and you’ve already made one friend so I’d say that’s pretty good progress already.’
She’s smiling at me and I smile back.
‘You’re right.’
‘I usually am,’ she says. ‘So, what’s next?’
I look up sharply. ‘Next?’
‘Yes. You’re going to keep looking for men walking dogs, and that’s fine. But what else are you going to do to try to find your man?’
‘Actually I do have one idea…’ I stop speaking as Kirstie appears beside Sophie, a glass of gunky green liquid in her hand.
‘What the hell is that?’ I say, distracted.
Kirstie looks down. ‘It’s a green vegetable juice with chia seeds and kombucha.’
‘It looks awful.’
She grins and takes a sip. ‘It’s absolutely fucking disgusting,’ she agrees, and I burst out laughing. ‘Right, what are you two whispering about over here?’
‘Miranda was about to tell us what her next plan is for finding Jay,’ Sophie says, shuffling up to let Kirstie see me better.
‘Okay, go on.’
‘Well, I…’ I trail off, unsure now I’ve started whether I should tell them. ‘I dreamt we were skydiving. Or at least, Jay was.’
‘Skydiving?’ Sophie says, uncertainly.
‘I know. I don’t know whether it means anything but I thought… I thought I might give it a go.’
Kirstie snorts, and globules of her green gunk fly out of her nose and land on the desk in front of them. She wipes her face and swallows. ‘Sorry, that was gross?—’
‘It was.’
‘What’s so funny anyway?’ I say, indignant.
‘You,’ she says. ‘You hate things like that.’
‘Well, yes. But isn’t that the point of this whole thing? That I’m meant to finding myself. Making a fresh start?’ I shrug. ‘It just felt like a sign, otherwise why else would I have dreamed about it?’
Kirstie shakes her head. ‘For the same reason that I dream about Keanu Reeves being my boyfriend at least once a month,’ she says, slamming her drink down on the table. ‘It’s what brains do, surely?’ She looks at Sophie. ‘This is your fault,’ she says.
‘Mine? Why?’
‘You and your bloody tarot reading. Miranda was perfectly content just having sexy little dreams about this man she nearly hit, and you had to go all woo and put ideas in her head about it being a sign .’ She puts this last word in quotation marks in the air.
‘But Miranda wasn’t happy, was she?’ Sophie says.
‘But you?—’
‘Stop!’ I say, more loudly than I intended, and they both do as I say and look in my direction, looking like a couple of chastised children. ‘Come on, you two, don’t bicker. I’m a big girl and I can make decisions for myself, good and bad. So yes, this might be completely mad, and it might lead nowhere, and even if I do find Jay he might be married with three kids, or gay, or both, but I’m going to give it a go because I’ve got nothing to lose.’
I watch them both, my best friends who are three hundred miles away, and I wish with all my heart that I could reach through the screen and give them both a hug.
‘Sorry, Miranda,’ Sophie says, eventually.
‘Yeah me too,’ Kirstie says, sheepishly. ‘I just worry about you.’
‘I know, but there’s no need. Whatever happens, I’ll be fine. Which means I’m going skydiving.’
‘Then I’m coming with you,’ Kirstie says.
‘But it’s miles away, and you think it’s a ridiculous idea.’
‘I love sky-diving and I wouldn’t miss it for the world. Besides, it’s Newcastle, not outer-space.’ She turns to Sophie. ‘You’ll come too, won’t you?’
‘Absolutely not,’ she says, looking slightly green.
Kirstie turns back to me and grins. ‘I’ll work on her. We’ll be there.’