Chapter 12
12
In an attempt to ignore the fact that I’ve agreed to throw myself out of a plane from thousands of feet in the air in three days’ time, I decide to keep myself busy. Which is why, when Matt messages me the following morning as I’m drinking my first coffee of the day to ask if I’m doing anything, I tell him I’m not. I smile as I read his reply.
Matt
I’ve got an unexpectedly free afternoon if you’d still like me to show you round? No worries if not. Matt
Hearing from Matt has given me a spark of excitement I don’t want to examine too closely. I click back on the message and compose a reply. It takes me a while to get the tone right (honestly, do we ever stop behaving like schoolgirls when it comes to men?!) but once I’m satisfied I press send before I can change my mind.
Miranda
I’d love that, if you’re really sure you don’t mind. Let me know where and when and I’ll be there. Miranda.
His reply doesn’t take long to come.
Matt
Perfect! I’ll meet you at Grey’s Monument at 1p.m. if that works for you? Opposite Waterstones.
Miranda
See you there
The morning crawls by. I check my emails to see if I have any dogs to walk (nothing yet) and read a few more testimonials on the skydiving website. I’ve been trying to reassure myself that it won’t be as scary as it looks, but the more I read the more terrified I feel. I close my laptop and spend longer than I need getting ready. It’s not so bad to want to look half-decent for a new friend, is it?
I set off early, leaving myself more than an hour to get into town. It’s a bright day so I decide to walk. I’m enjoying getting to know my way round, and it gives me a sense of achievement when I successfully navigate somewhere without using Google Maps.
It’s busy in town, even midweek, crowds of people streaming in and out of shops, congregating in the entrance to Eldon Square shopping centre. By the time I arrive at Grey’s Monument I’m still twenty minutes early, so I duck into Waterstones and browse the books, picking up a hardback copy of A Clockwork Orange with a gorgeous cover. Should I buy it for Matt as a thank you? Or is that too much?
In the end I do buy it, but I’ll decide whether to give it to him or not later. I shove the book in my bag and head out to meet him.
He’s already there, standing with his back to me. By the time he notices me I’m almost in front of him and his face splits into a smile.
‘Hey!’ he says, and for a moment I consider greeting him with a hug the way I do most of my friends. But he doesn’t move to do the same so I stick my hand out instead. He looks bemused, then amused, as he takes it and gives it a shake. His palm is cool and soft.
‘Thanks for showing me round,’ I say, as we start walking down the hill.
‘Don’t be daft, you’re doing me a favour,’ he says. ‘I took the afternoon off because Gladys wasn’t well and I thought I’d need it to take her back to the vet, but she didn’t have to go in the end. If I stay at home I’ll be tempted to do some work and I absolutely mustn’t.’
‘Oh, what’s wrong with Gladys?’
‘They’re not sure. Some sort of infection in her kidneys they think. She’s got antibiotics and seems to have rallied already.’
‘Poor thing.’
‘I know. She’s getting on a bit now so it’s a worry. I’m not sure what I’d do without her, but I suppose I’m going to have to prepare myself sooner rather than later.’
‘Have you had her since she was a puppy?’
‘Yeah. My ex-wife and I brought her home when she was just three months old and the kids were still quite little. She was always mine really though, so I got her in the divorce. I think Celeste was relieved, to be honest. Gladys got me through that time so I can’t bear to think about her not being here any more.’
‘I get that. We had a dog growing up and he was my best friend. I used to cry into his fur and tell him all my secrets.’ I grin at the memory. ‘Just as well he had no idea what I was saying or he’d have thought I was a complete lunatic.’
‘Nah. Dogs are like the best parts of humans. Plus they’re cheaper than a therapist, and infinitely cuter.’
We walk in companionable silence for a while, through the busy streets of the city. I’m aware of Matt’s presence, his arm swinging in rhythm with mine as I try to memorise the route we’re taking. I came this way on Sunday but I didn’t take much notice then, so I want to try and remember some of it this time.
The descent gradually becomes steeper and steeper, past grand, grey stone buildings, which Matt chatters to me about as we walk. We turn off the main road onto some narrow back streets, and he points out places of interest, such as the vampire rabbit carved above a doorway near the cathedral. ‘Apparently it was meant to scare off grave robbers but I’ve got no idea whether that’s true,’ Matt says, as we swing back onto the main road.
Finally, we reach the last, steep drop towards the dark green steel of the Tyne Bridge. Through a gap between the brickwork I can make out a slice of the Tyne river, which glitters in the early afternoon sunshine.
‘Do you fancy going for a drink?’ Matt says.
‘Why not? Where?’
‘I rarely come drinking down here.’ He glances round, then points at a squarish building tucked down a side street. ‘How about there?’
Moments later we’re settled at a table in the window, a glass of wine each. Now we’re here I feel shy, unsure of myself. Is it because it suddenly feels like a date?
‘So, when do you start work?’ Matt says, taking a sip of his wine.
‘I’m at a school in Gosforth the first week back after the holidays,’ I say. ‘Covering year 10 and 11 classes.’
‘Oof, tough crowd.’
‘You’d think, wouldn’t you? But actually they’re my favourite age because they’re almost adults, and it feels like you can actually teach them something meaningful. Even give them a passion for the rest of their lives.’
Matt’s watching me with interest, and I feel my face flush. I don’t often talk about my job. I usually assume people think it’s boring, that being a teacher is a hard job that nobody really wants to do. But the truth is, I love it. Always have.
‘What made you want to do it? I mean, it can’t be easy, working with teenagers.’
I shake my head. ‘I really wanted to be a dancer, but by the time I was six and failed my ballet exam I realised that was never going to happen.’ I grin. ‘But I suppose I just love books and thought teaching might be a way of spreading the love.’ I run my finger round the rim of my glass. ‘How about you? How did you get into charity fundraising?’
He goes quiet and I wonder whether I’ve said the wrong thing. ‘The charity I work for helps sick children and their parents,’ he says. ‘So, when a child gets ill, we offer support for both them and the parents – finding them somewhere to stay near hospital, helping with travel expenses, or putting them in touch with another family going through the same thing. Whatever they need.’ He looks down at his glass then back up at me and I can see something behind his eyes. Pain? My heart thumps.
‘The thing is, when my son was six he was quite ill. He had lots of heart operations and it was a really difficult time. I suppose I wanted to give something back.’
I don’t know what to say, so I just let the words settle for a moment. Eventually, I speak. ‘What an amazing thing to do.’
He shrugs. ‘It’s a paid job, so not so amazing. But it does feel worthwhile. When you see how grateful the families are, it can be the most rewarding thing in the world.’ He clears his throat and looks up. ‘Anyway, enough about me. How have your first few days in Newcastle been?’
‘Good, I think,’ I say. ‘I’m slowly getting to know the place although I don’t think I’ve picked up the accent yet.’
He grins. ‘It’ll come.’
We order another drink and chat some more. Soon the world starts to become a little hazier round the edges, and my words feel fluffy in my mouth, as though I’m speaking through cotton wool. It’s not an unpleasant sensation. Matt’s hands are close to mine on the tabletop and it wouldn’t take much for me to brush his fingers and…
‘So tell me a bit more about this man you’re trying to find. Jay, did you say he was called?’ he says, and the moment is gone. I snatch my hand away and pick up my glass.
‘Yes, that’s right,’ I say, sighing heavily. ‘I barely know him, to be honest. I’m beginning to worry I’ve made a huge mistake, coming here.’
‘There must have been something about him that caught your attention for you to up sticks and move all the way up here.’
I shrug. ‘Moving to Newcastle was about more than just finding Jay,’ I say, unsure how much to admit about my disastrous life back home.
Matt says nothing so I carry on, twirling the glass round and watching the wine swirl up the edge. It’s better than looking at Matt and seeing pity in his eyes. ‘I got made redundant, then my boyfriend cheated on me. The kids are across the other side of the world, my ex-husband has got his new family…’ I trail off. ‘I needed a change and then my friend Sophie did a tarot reading for me and said I needed to go and look for the love of my life and it… well. It felt like a sign.’
Matt doesn’t reply for a few seconds. I’m worried I’ve said too much – and he doesn’t even know the half of it.
‘Well, in that case you can’t just give up at the first hurdle,’ he says, eventually. ‘What else do you know about him? Is there anywhere else you could try looking for him?’
I lift my gaze to him at last. ‘I’m going skydiving in Durham.’
‘Oh wow. Is that something he does then?’
I don’t like lying, but there’s no way I can tell him I saw it in a dream.
‘I think so,’ I mumble, incoherently. ‘I’m bloody terrified though.’
‘Ah you’ll be fine. It’s not as bad as you think.’
‘You’ve done it?’
He nods. ‘Last year, for the charity. It is scary, but it’s such an amazing feeling, and you’ll be completely safe. These guys know what they’re doing.’
‘I just can’t imagine throwing myself out of a plane. I’m seriously considering cancelling it.’
‘Honestly, even if you don’t find this Jay, you should do it. What is it they say? Feel the fear and do it anyway?’
I’m about to say I could do without fear in my life thank you very much, when Matt surprises me.
‘I’ll come with you, if you like. You know, for a bit of moral support.’
‘Oh I…’
‘Sorry, don’t feel you have to say yes. I just thought…’ He looks down at his drink, his face flushed.
‘No!’ I say. ‘Honestly, it’s such a generous offer, and normally I’d bite your hand off. But my best friends are coming up to go with me.’
‘Oh right. Of course. Well, that’s good then. Better than being on your own.’
‘Yes.’ I smile at him. ‘Seriously, thank you though. It was a very kind offer.’
‘Any time.’
We steer the conversations onto less awkward topics, but I can’t shake a nagging feeling from my mind. And it’s not until I’m on the bus home later that evening that it hits me.
I really wanted to spend the day with Matt.
And I don’t know what that means for my search for Jay.