Chapter 13
13
If I’d been trying to manifest rain, thunder, lightning and hail in the hope that the skydive would be called off, it failed spectacularly.
Saturday morning is sunny and warm, and although I hardly got a wink of sleep, I still struggle to fully wake up. My body feels heavy and limp, almost as though it’s resisting moving at all. Actually, is that a stomach ache? Maybe I should cancel?
But no.
Sophie and Kirstie are taking an early train up from King’s Cross and are due into Durham, the closest station to the skydiving centre, in a couple of hours so I really need to shake a leg. I go through the motions of showering and getting dressed and by the time I’m ready to leave the flat my stomach feels like it’s got a lump of lead in it. There’s no chance I’ll manage any food so I set off in the direction of West Jesmond Metro station.
Kirstie and Sophie are waiting on the platform at Durham station as the train arrives and, even though it’s only been just over a week since I left London, it feels like a lifetime since I last saw them, and my heart soars. When they wrap me up in a group hug I feel as though I never want to let go.
We eventually have to pull apart, and Kirstie peers at me.
‘Hey, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?’
I wipe my hand across my cheek and it comes away wet. ‘Sorry, it’s just so good to see you both,’ I say, my voice wobbling.
‘Oh, darling, it’s good to see you too, but it has only been a few days.’ She’s smiling and I smile back.
‘I know. I’m being silly. It’s just weird, being here all alone.’
‘But you’ve made a new friend already, haven’t you? Matt?’ Sophie says.
I feel my face flush and look away, but not before Kirstie notices. ‘I knew there was something more going on with this Matt than you’re letting on!’
‘There isn’t!’ The denial is more emphatic than I mean it to be and I shake my head. ‘He’s just a friend.’
‘But…?’ Kirstie isn’t giving up.
‘But nothing. In fact he’s been helping me look for Jay. Which is what , in case you’ve forgotten, we’re here for today.’ I cross my arms over my chest.
‘Ah but?—’
‘Kirstie, don’t be a pain,’ Sophie warns, elbowing her in the ribs.
‘Fine, fine, I won’t say another word.’ She looks round. ‘Shall we get out of here?’
We find a taxi and chat all the way to the skydive centre on the outskirts of the city. I’m so thrilled to have them both here that all nerves about what we’re about to do are forgotten as the taxi meanders its way through traffic onto A roads. It’s not until we pull up outside that the terror hits me again, and this time it feels like I’ve slammed into a concrete wall, all the breath leaving my body.
‘Oh God, what am I doing ?’ My whole body is shaking and it takes all my effort to climb out of the car. My legs feel like they’re made of rubber and I take a couple of deep breaths as Sophie tries to talk me down.
‘Come on, M, you’re going to be fine,’ she says, her voice soft as velvet.
‘It’s all right for you, you’re not doing it,’ I snap, and her face falls. ‘Sorry.’
‘No, you’re right, Kirstie should be the one talking you through this. I’d rather gouge my own eyeballs out with a teaspoon than throw myself out of a plane, I’m just here for moral support.’ She steps back to allow Kirstie to approach me.
‘Come on, Mirand, you can totally do this. Honestly, it’s one of the best things I’ve ever done. You’ll shit yourself for a few seconds, but when you land on the ground you’ll want to do it all over again.’
‘I doubt that,’ I mutter, but her words reassure me. It’s not as though I’m throwing myself out of the plane on my own, there will be someone with me. And these people are professionals who do this all the time. It will be fine.
Keep telling yourself that, Miranda.
‘Anyway, you’ve forgotten the most important thing, which isn’t the skydive itself. It’s whether these people know who Jay is.’
‘Yep, that’s today’s main mission,’ Sophie agrees. ‘And I’ll be asking around to see if anyone knows him while you’re up there.’ She points at the sky. ‘So just try to relax and have fun.’
Easier said than done.
For the next hour or so there’s no time to worry as we listen to a lengthy safety briefing, are introduced to our instructors, given detailed instructions about the dive and, finally, are handed our equipment. There’s a real mix of people here, including a man who must be approaching seventy, a rotund woman around my age, a couple of overexcited twenty-somethings, and a super-fit middle-aged guy who’s enjoying talking about the previous skydives he’s done. I roll my eyes at Kirstie as he slips it into the conversation yet again and she pulls a face at me. I stifle a laugh.
Finally, it’s time to get on the plane, and as we walk outside and see it waiting for us on the tarmac my stomach rolls over. I stop dead.
‘What are you doing?’ Kirstie hisses as she walks into the back of me.
‘I can’t do it. I’m going back.’ I start to turn away but she grabs my arm.
‘Don’t be ridiculous, you’ve got this far, what’s the point of chickening out now?’
I shake my head. ‘Look at it.’ I point at the plane and she follows my gaze. ‘I can’t…’
‘Honestly, Mirand, in a few minutes it will all be over with and you’ll be absolutely buzzing, I promise,’ she says. She puts her hands on my shoulders and looks into my eyes. ‘Would I lie to you?’
I shake my head stiffly.
We clamber into the plane and the door slams closed, and moments later we’re taxiing along the runway and lifting off and oh GOD, oh God, oh God I really don’t want to do this. I’m struggling to draw in air and I feel as though I might throw up, but a glance around me shows that everyone else looks just as terrified as I feel and that reassures me. I look at my instructor for any signs of fear but he’s cool as a cucumber, and I try to relax. We’re fine. This will be fine.
The roar of the engine fills my ears and I stare at the floor and breathe slowly. Before I know it we’ve levelled off, and all the instructors jump to their feet.
This is it. This is the moment.
My body feels numbs as my instructor attaches himself to me and holds his thumb up to check I’m okay. I give him a thumbs up back, and realise I haven’t taken a breath for several seconds. I feel a bit faint.
Kirstie is just ahead of me and even she looks pale as we shuffle towards the open doorway. The noise is overwhelming, filling my ears, and the wind whipping into the cabin makes my eyes water. I hold my breath as Kirstie tips herself effortlessly from the plane and disappears from sight, and then, before I’m ready, we’re there, at the entrance, and we’re leaning forward.
I can’t think about it, I need to just let myself go and – oh!
We’re in the air and I’m dropping, dropping, dropping, and the skin on my face flaps around as though it’s come loose from the bone and I’m hurtling towards the earth. The ground is getting closer and closer and my throat tightens and oh my God we’re going to hit the ground and crumble to dust. I’m going to die before I even get anywhere close to finding Jay and what about the kids and?—
Then the parachute is released, and we’ve slowed, and I feel as though I’m being suspended, held up by the clouds, like an angel. It’s magical, and my limbs relax and my mind floats away and it’s just like a dream. Now I understand why people enjoy this. I could stay here all day.
I’m lighter than air as we drift downwards, toward a tiny huddle of people no bigger than specks of dust.
And then, what feels like mere seconds later, I’m lifting my legs and coming to land on solid ground with a gentle bump.
It’s over. I did it.
‘Oh my God!’ I hear a screech and look up to see Sophie racing towards me, arms outstretched, her bag bouncing against her hip with every step. She throws her arms around me and all the air leaves my body, and I collapse against her, my heart racing.
When she pulls away, her arms are on my shoulders. ‘You did it!’ she says, a huge beam on her face. I feel my face crack into a smile too.
‘I bloody did, didn’t I?’
I look round for Kirstie and see she’s still disentangling herself from her instructor.
‘Give me a minute to sort myself, and we’ll go and see Kirstie,’ I say.
Everyone said I’d feel euphoric afterwards but I hadn’t believed them. Now, though, I truly understand what they mean.
I feel light, lighter than ever, as though my heart is still floating around somewhere in the atmosphere. I’m still shaking from the adrenaline, but I feel happy, and as if I can achieve anything.
Which is why, when the three of us make our way to a nearby bar afterwards, I feel, with absolutely certainty, that Sophie is going to have some good news about having found Jay.
Sadly, I’m brought back down to earth with a bump.
‘I’m sorry, M, but nobody knew who I was talking about, and I promise I tried. I spoke to the manager, and quite a few members of staff, but nobody knew a man called Jay, Jason, James or anything else like that who has a dog. Although I did get quite a few weird looks when they asked me to describe him and I said I wasn’t sure what he looked like. Jay, not the dog.’
‘Oh.’ I’m completely deflated, but I know it’s not Sophie’s fault so I don’t want to make her feel bad.
‘Sorry, Mirand,’ she says. ‘But I’ve left your number and they promised to ask the next shift of staff and let you know if they have any luck.’
‘Thank you. To be fair we knew it was a long shot.’ I take a gulp of my wine and my head spins. ‘Anyway, as you said, I need to enjoy myself while I’m looking, and I really did enjoy today, so I’m going to take that as a win.’
‘I knew you’d love it!’ Kirstie says, taking a huge gulp of her vodka. ‘I always say a bit of jeopardy is good for the soul.’
I nod. ‘It really is.’
‘If you two mad women say so.’ Sophie places her hands together. ‘So what’s next?’
‘Next?’ I look at her blankly.
‘You know. Operation Find Jay.’
I shrug. ‘I don’t know. I’m not sure I have much more of a plan to tell the truth.’
Kirstie puts her face close to mine, searching. ‘Have you finally come to your senses, or is there more to this change of heart, Miranda Kennedy?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘This Matt you mentioned. You like him more than you’re letting on, don’t you?’
‘Do you?’ Sophie sounds excited and I shake my head.
‘No! It’s not like that!’ I sound a bit too shrill even to my own ears and my face is flushed.
‘Why, what’s wrong with him?’
‘There’s nothing wrong with him,’ I say, laughing. ‘He’s lovely. But I haven’t come here to just meet anyone, have I? I’ve come to look for Jay, and Sophie’s right, I have to at least give it a proper shot.’
‘Even if you’ve found a different hot man already?’
‘Stop teasing her, Kirstie,’ Sophie says, coming to my rescue yet again. She turns to me and takes my hand. ‘Ignore this loon over here.’
Kirstie sticks her tongue out.
‘I can’t tell you what to do,’ she continues. ‘But I truly believe the tarots were a sign from the universe that your soulmate is here somewhere, waiting for you. And if you want to keep looking for Jay, then I’ll support you.’
‘Or you could just have a shag with a hot man that actually exists,’ Kirstie pipes up.
Sophie ignores her and I try to as well. But my face still burns at the thought of doing anything of the kind with Matt.
‘You’re right, I can’t give up yet,’ I say. ‘Besides, I am actually having fun. And I’m pretty proud of myself today.’
‘You should be.’
When we finish our drinks we decide to head into Newcastle for dinner. I haven’t eaten anything since this morning and as we settle ourselves at a table in an Italian restaurant in the city centre, my appetite is back with a vengeance.
It’s so good to have my best friends here with me, and it makes me realise how much I miss them, and how much I’ve left behind.
And yet, as we polish off yet another bottle of wine and discuss strategies for tracking down Jay, I realise something.
Even if I don’t find Jay, and this whole mission to track him down ends up being the dead end that Kirstie predicted all along, I don’t care. Because, by making the decision to take my destiny into my own hands rather than wait around for something to change, I feel as though I’ve been given a whole new lease of life.
For the first time in a long time, I realise, I feel happy.