Chapter 24
24
Last night’s dream has left me feeling disorientated. Maybe it’s because I’ve actually met Jay now, so I’m surprised to still be having the dreams at all.
Maybe it’s that not being able to see his face clearly in my dreams is even more frustrating than ever.
Or perhaps it’s because the way I feel about him in my dream doesn’t quite match the reality yet. The electricity is still flying between us during our nocturnal trysts. Yet in real life, things feel less… sparky.
I push the doubts away and remind myself it’s still very early days. We’ve only known each other a matter of days.
Which means a lot is resting on this evening, and our first proper ‘date’. I’m nervous.
I dress carefully. I want to make the right impression, make him fall for me, realise he can’t live without me. I’m not sure red lipstick and a fitted skirt holds all that power, but it’s a start.
The door buzzer makes me jump. He’s here.
I tousle my hair, slip on my heeled boots, and head down the stairs. I can see Jay’s outline through the bevelled glass of the front door and feel my belly tighten. I hope he doesn’t notice the curled-up carpet and the discarded leaflets that litter the hallway – or at least I hope he doesn’t judge me for them. I can’t help thinking about how neat and tidy his home was, and I vow to find out more about that this evening. Surely there’s got to be a reason for someone to be as pin-neat as that?
I pull the door open with a smile.
‘Oh!’ I can’t see much of Jay at all, because he’s hidden behind an enormous bouquet of flowers – lilies and roses and sprays of gypsophila dancing wildly in the breeze. His face pokes round the side and he gives me a grin.
‘This may have been an ambitiously large bunch of flowers, but I wanted to impress you,’ he says, pushing them towards me.
‘Wow, thank you.’ I take them from him and shuffle awkwardly round in the small space. ‘Let me just run up and put them in some water and I’ll be right back down.’
I leave him standing on the doorstep and race back inside, fill the kitchen sink with water and dump the entire lot into it. They really are beautiful, and I breathe in the scent deeply. Nobody has bought me flowers for years – I can’t actually remember the last time – and it feels like a good omen.
I re-lock the door and run down to find Jay sitting on the small brick wall outside the building. He stands as I approach and I notice the bruise on his face has turned from purple to a delightful mix of yellow and green, and his arm is no longer in the sling.
‘You’re on the mend I see,’ I say, pointing at his free arm. He glances down as if surprised.
‘Sort of. I didn’t want to be covered in bandages on our first date so I took the executive decision to dump it.’
‘I hope you’re not in pain just for me.’
‘I’m dosed up on painkillers so I’ll be fine.’ He holds his elbow out. ‘Shall we?’
I hook my arm through his and let him walk me to a taxi which is waiting a little further along the road.
‘Your carriage awaits, madame,’ he says, opening the door and letting me slide in first. He climbs in beside me and speaks to the driver, then sits back.
‘I hope you like the restaurant I’ve chosen,’ he says. ‘It’s one of my favourites.’
‘I’m sure it will be lovely,’ I say.
The taxi ride isn’t far and in no time we’re pulling up outside a restaurant on Grey Street, one of the main roads down to the quayside. This city is already beginning to feel familiar to me and I wait for Jay to pay the taxi fare, watching a woman stagger down the steep hill in heels far too high and precarious for the job. I hope she doesn’t fall.
‘This place hasn’t been here long,’ Jay says, appearing beside me. ‘But it serves delicious tapas and it’s never let me down yet.’
He opens the door and stands aside to let me through first. The restaurant is already full, and the waiter hurries up within seconds.
‘James,’ he says, leaning in to give Jay a hug and a back pat.
‘Hello, Jorge,’ Jay says in a perfect Spanish accent as they pull apart. ‘Where have you put us tonight?’
‘We were quite busy but I’ve got you the small table by the window,’ Jorge says, and Jay beams.
‘You’re a star, thank you.’ He turns to me. ‘Jorge is married to my ex-wife’s sister. He usually tries to get me a good seat but he’s clearly doing too well and doesn’t always have one free.’
That explains the over-familiarity at least. I wonder how often Jay comes here. Whether he brings other women.
I wonder why it matters.
Jorge leads us to our seats and Jay pulls out my chair for me to sit.
‘The food in here is to die for,’ he says, after Jorge has handed out the menus and left us to it. ‘I always get the octopus and the tortilla, but of course have whatever you like.’
I’m starving, and the aromas coming from the kitchen are making my mouth water. We order wine – a good, heavy red – and a few dishes between us, then Jay threads his hands beneath his chin and turns to me, the candlelight picking out the contours of his face. I feel a shiver of excitement.
‘So, thank you again for looking after me. And Alan,’ Jay says. His teeth are so white, and his lips full. ‘I’m not sure why you bothered, but to be honest I don’t know what I’d have done without you so I’m very grateful.’
This is my moment to tell him it was my fault he crashed his car; that it was me who was riding the bike that caused him to swerve and crash. But the last thing I want to do is ruin the evening before it’s even begun. So I don’t.
‘I only did it for Alan,’ I say, smiling to show I’m joking.
‘Ah, well, he is pretty special,’ he agrees. Our drinks arrive in record time and Jorge pours a splash of wine for me to taste. I have no idea what I’m meant to be tasting for, so I nod and say, ‘Lovely,’ and let him pour proper glassfuls.
Jay takes a sip of his and rolls it round his mouth. ‘God, that’s delicious,’ he says. ‘It’s always worth paying a bit extra for decent red wine I reckon.’ I wouldn’t know my ￡100 bottle of Chateau-Neuf du Pape from my ten-quid bottle of supermarket Merlot, so I just agree and take another appreciative sip.
I’m suddenly nervous. It feels as though a lot is resting on this meal. I left behind my home and my friends to move three hundred miles away on a whim to look for the man I’d fallen in love with in my dreams. Now I think I’ve found him, and I have to hope that he’s everything I imagined he would be.
No pressure.
My pulse thumps in my throat as Jay leans towards me.
‘So, tell me a bit about you. You said you came up here for work, didn’t you?’
I feel my face burning.
‘Yes, sort of,’ I say, gulping down a mouthful of wine. ‘I got made redundant and fancied a change and just thought, why not?’ I say. It sounds weak even to my ears but he doesn’t seem to notice.
‘Very brave. Why Newcastle though? I would have thought there were much more exciting cities than here to have a bit of a change.’
‘I guess I thought, if I’m going to go, I might as well go far enough to make a difference. Otherwise it would have been too easy to just give up and go home.’
He studies me for a moment as though trying to read my mind. I wonder what he sees when he looks at me? A sorted, mature, interesting woman who likes to be spontaneous – or a slightly unhinged middle-aged crazy-lady who hangs around talking to strange men in hospitals because she’s so desperate to meet someone?
I don’t think I really want to know.
‘Fair enough,’ he says eventually. ‘It’s a pretty nice city. Small, but friendly.’
‘Have you lived here all your life?’
He nods, twirling the wine glass between his finger and thumb so vigorously that it’s in danger of splashing over the edge. ‘I planned to move to London but then I met my wife and that was it. She was never going to move away from her precious family, so any plans to leave the north-east were soon forgotten.’ There’s a trace of bitterness in his voice and I wonder whether he feels regret about his decision, even now. I’m about to ask him when he adds, ‘I suppose the world is my oyster now, especially with my parents not being around any longer and my kids not talking to me.’
‘Oh I’m sorry.’
He shakes his head. ‘It’s fine. Mum died when I was twenty, and Dad went about ten years ago. I miss them but it’s like a vague, empty feeling rather than a physical pain that affects me every day.’ He looks up at me. ‘Anyway, enough about that. What about you? Family, kids, terrible ex-husbands?’
‘Well, I only have one ex-husband, and he’s not terrible. In fact he’s a lovely man and a great dad.’
‘And you’re not with him because…?’
I feel a prickle of irritation, even though it’s unfair. Not everyone has to be terrible, in the end. ‘We just sort of… drifted apart. We met quite young, had the kids, then realised, when our youngest was ten, that we were just living together as friends rather than husband and wife.’ I shrug. ‘So we decided to separate. But we’ve always brought the kids up together, and we still get on.’
Jay’s staring at me and I can’t read the expression on his face. ‘Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who genuinely still likes their ex. People pretend they do, but you really do seem to mean it.’
‘I do.’ I hold my hands out. ‘He was a nice guy when we met, and he’s still a nice guy. We just don’t love each other.’
‘I’m impressed.’
‘I assume things aren’t so amicable between you and your ex?’
‘Amy?’ He splutters. ‘You could say that.’
‘That’s a shame.’
‘Not really.’ His face has darkened and I wonder what on earth happened between them to make him react like that just at the mention of her name. I’m not sure I should ask. Luckily, I don’t have to. ‘She came from quite a wealthy family and they never thought I was good enough for her. Even she didn’t, to be honest. I think she only really wanted to marry me to piss her dad off.’
‘I’m sure that’s not true.’
He looks up sharply. ‘How would you know?’
‘I…’ I stutter. ‘Sorry. You’re right.’
He shakes his head. ‘No, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap. I just… Well, she had an affair a few years ago and I’ve never been able to forgive her, to be quite frank, and I’m still pretty angry about it.’ He dips his head. ‘As you can probably tell.’
I don’t say anything, and soon he’s rallied. ‘Anyway, the kids are now with her in Sunderland – although my eldest, Seb, actually has his own flat nearby – and they’ve always sided with their mother which is why we don’t have a great relationship right now.’
I can hear a tremor in his voice and I want to give him a hug and tell him everything will be okay, that things have a tendency to work themselves out in the end. But the truth is I know nothing about this man or his life, and I don’t want to say something else to upset him.
‘I’m sorry,’ I say, although it’s woefully inadequate.
He gives a sad smile and is about to say something else when the waiter appears with the first of our dishes. We wait while he places a tortilla, garlic mushrooms and the octopus down on the table, then when he leaves, Jay clears his throat.
‘Sorry about that. I’m not normally one for being morose. I think it’s the accident, knocked me for six a bit.’
‘It’s fine, honestly. We’ve all got things going on, there’s no point pretending everything’s perfect.’
‘You’re a very patient woman.’
‘You haven’t seen me when I’m queuing in the supermarket.’ I grin, and he grins back. He has a little dimple in his cheek on the side without the bruise, and it makes him look younger.
‘So, I know you’re not an adrenaline-junkie like me. But what are you into?’ he says, spooning some mushrooms onto his plate as the rest of the food arrives. We’ve hugely over-ordered but I’m ravenous so I tuck in too.
‘I like to keep fit – at least I do when I’m at home, I haven’t done so much since I’ve been here.’
‘Oh? How come?’
‘My friend Kirstie is a personal trainer and completely bullies me into working harder than I can normally be bothered to.’ I grin. ‘I’m lucky really, people pay her a fortune to bully them, but it has meant I’ve slipped since I’ve been here without her.’ I tug the waistband of my skirt and grimace. ‘And I can definitely feel it.’
‘You look pretty good to me.’ Jay’s giving me a look that makes me tingle and my belly flip over. What was that?
‘Oh, I… thank you.’ I look down at my plate.
‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable,’ he says, and I shake my head.
‘No, you didn’t. It’s fine.’ I grab my wine glass. ‘I’m just not very good at accepting compliments.’
‘Well, we’ll have to work on that then, won’t we?’ He’s still watching me and finally I look up and meet his gaze. His dark eyes are looking at me intently and I smile shyly. This is what I wanted. It’s happening!
The moment is broken by the arrival of Jorge, whose loud hand clap makes us both jump. I feel my face redden.
‘Have you got everything you ordered?’ he says, looking from me to Jay and back again.
‘Everything’s perfect thank you, Jorge,’ Jay says.
‘Excellent, excellent,’ Jorge says. But he still hovers at the side of the table and I wonder what he’s waiting for.
‘Well, let me know if you need anything else, won’t you?’ he says, eventually, and I breathe a sigh of relief as he disappears to assist another table.
‘Sorry about that,’ Jay says. ‘I think he likes to keep an eye on me and report back anything of interest to the family.’
Of course. Jorge is married to Amy’s sister. Of course he’d want to know who I am. The thought makes me feel uncomfortable but Jay doesn’t seem bothered in the slightest. ‘Don’t worry though. He’ll just be telling everyone that I was here with a beautiful woman having dinner. I’m sure he’ll mention this as well.’ He points at his face where the bruising looks darker in the subdued lighting.
I smile and take a sip of my wine. ‘Let’s hope we give them something to talk about then,’ I say, licking my lips.
‘I hope so.’ His voice is low, and it sparks something deep in my belly.
For the rest of the meal we talk, getting to know each other.
When I tell him how much I enjoy my job as an English teacher he wrinkles his nose. ‘Don’t hate me but I couldn’t stand English at school.’
‘You must have had a bad teacher,’ I say. ‘English is a wonderful subject.’
He shakes his head. ‘Maybe. I just don’t really read books. I just don’t… get them.’
‘What, never?’
He shrugs. ‘I mean, I have read books. You know, the odd thriller on the sun lounger on holidays. But honestly? I can’t seem to focus for that long.’
But it’s the best way to take your mind away from reality, to let your imagination soar, I want to say but bite my tongue. Lecturing people who don’t read books on the joy of books is never the way to win friends. Instead I shake my head, try not to think about the copy of A Clockwork Orange that Matt was so thrilled with (stop thinking about Matt!), and smile.
‘I bet I can find you a book you’ll enjoy. More than the Lee Child, anyway.’
He raises his eyebrows. ‘Really?’
‘Really.’
‘Go on then. I’d love that.’
‘Challenge accepted.’
I tell him about the kids, and about how lonely I’d felt since they’d both left home. I tell him about Sophie and Kirstie, and how Kirstie thought I was mad to come up here alone and our mutual love of a rock concert. In turn he tells me about his children, Seb and Lucy, about the day he found out Amy was having an affair, about his job as a solicitor. I ask about his hobbies and he shrugs. ‘Skydiving is my main one. I love football too – playing and watching. Apart from that I just like to go out drinking with my friends or play video games. I know it sounds a bit tragic but it’s been that way since the divorce. Full-on bachelor mode.’
‘What about music?’ I press.
‘What about it?’
‘What kind do you like?’
He shrugs. ‘Anything really. I’m not really fussed.’
Not really fussed. How anyone can be ‘not fussed’ about music feels alien to me, but everyone’s different, I need to remember that. And there must be something about this man that makes me fall head over heels in love with him.
By the time we’re ready to leave it’s dark outside and getting late and it occurs to me that I’ve really enjoyed myself. I’ve barely thought about Matt, and Jay is really good company – funny, self-deprecating and kind. And okay, on the surface we might not have that much in common, but does that really matter? Everyone says opposites attract, and perhaps that’s what’s happening here. Perhaps the spark I feel when he looks at me in a certain way is something that will, in time, ignite into a full flame of desire and it won’t matter one jot whether he likes rock music or books or anything else. I just need to be patient, bide my time. After all, Jay is my soulmate, and that’s got to be worth waiting for.
* * *
The taxi pulls up outside my flat and idles at the kerb. Jay’s face is in semi-darkness, only illuminated on one side by the glow from a nearby lamppost, but I can see he’s watching me.
‘Thank you for a lovely evening,’ he says.
‘Thank you . You insisted on paying.’
‘Of course – I told you it was to thank you for helping me so much. Although…’ He looks down at his hands. He’s quiet for so long I assume he’s changed his mind about whatever he was going to say, and I’m about to fill the silence. Then: ‘I really enjoyed spending time with you tonight.’ He looks back up at me, his eyes unreadable in the darkness.
‘I enjoyed spending time with you too.’
The silence hums in the air between us, crackling with unspoken words. Does he want me to invite him in? Do I want to invite him in?
I try to picture it, having another drink, moving cautiously round each other, sitting on the sofa, side by side. Our lips pressing together, how it might feel and?—
‘Miranda?’
I jump as I realise Jay’s been talking to me. I’m glad he can’t see my face burn in the dark.
‘Sorry, what did you say?’
‘I said I’d like to see you again. If you want to.’
‘I really do,’ I say, and mean it. I clutch my bag to my belly and lean forward and peck him on the cheek. As I pull away I linger for a moment. He smells so good and I can feel the heat of his skin and suddenly I really want to kiss him properly. Before I can decide whether that’s a good idea, he closes the gap between us and presses his lips against mine. They’re warm and soft and as he parts my lips with his tongue I feel a glow fizz up my body. I try not to think about another man, another kiss, and just enjoy the feeling of Jay, and when he finally pulls away I can feel my heart thumping in my chest.
‘Night then,’ he whispers.
‘Night.’ Then I open the door, climb out and close it behind me. I watch as the taxi drives off, my eyes on the back of Jay’s head, wondering whether he’ll turn round to look at me. But he doesn’t, and then the taxi turns the corner and is gone.