Chapter 29
29
It only takes a week to make the decision and turn down the job I’d been offered and, although the family renting my house aren’t due to move out for another month, Kirstie has said I can stay with her.
‘Move in for good,’ she says when I tell her. ‘I’d love to have you here all the time. We can be little old men-hating ladies growing old together. We could get cats!’
‘I think a few weeks will be enough for now,’ I say, laughing. ‘But thank you for the offer. I might take you up on it in thirty years or so.’
‘You’re no fun,’ she says, and hangs up on me, leaving me with a huge smile on my face. I might be leaving behind the man I thought was the love of my life, but I’m going home to my friends and until I made the decision to return, I hadn’t realised quite what a hole had been left in my life with them so far away.
Speaking of the love of my life, ending things with Jay hasn’t been easy. He was shocked at first, then indignant, insisting he hadn’t done anything wrong. But even as I was saying the words I realised I wasn’t as upset as I should be. I had tried to love this man, believing he was the one I was meant to be with, that the universe had made him my destiny.
Sometimes, it turns out, the universe makes mistakes.
The truth is, Jay was never going to be my soulmate. He’s kind, funny and handsome. But we’re too different. We like different things, have different beliefs.
Affair aside, he’s a lovely man. He’s just not the man for me – pink tie or no pink tie.
As I drive over the Tyne Bridge and leave behind the city that has been my home for the last six months I feel a sense of contentment wash over me. And excitement.
I’m going home.
But it’s a long journey, and by the time I get to York, the radio is grating on my nerves, so I switch it off and let my mind wander as I drive on autopilot.
Inevitably, my thoughts turn to Matt. I’d tried to lock thoughts of him away in a box in my mind; tried not to open the box or even touch it. Because no good could ever come of it. But now as I drive, the box opens of its own accord and I give in, letting memories and thoughts flood my mind.
I miss him.
There it is. I miss Matt, who was never my boyfriend and who I only kissed once, drunk, more than I miss the man I’ve been seeing for the last three months. Who, until last week, I’d believed I was starting a new life with.
What does that say?
I wonder where Matt is. What he’s doing. Who he’s doing it with. Stop it, Miranda. But it’s too late and the memories are coming thick and fast now: how tender he was with Gladys, how devastated he was at the thought of losing her; the conversations we had about music, books, the passion he had for his job. Then I think about the hook of his eyebrow when I said something funny; the curl of his lips, the dark thatch of wild hair; his eyes, and the way they looked at me when he thought I wasn’t watching.
Then there was… The Kiss. That kiss that had felt so right, even when I knew it shouldn’t be happening. And then I remember the look on his face when I ran away from him and I feel my heart crack a little all over again.
The road is blurring through my tears and I decide it’s time to stop. I pull over into Peterborough services and tap out a quick WhatsApp message to Kirstie to tell her I won’t be long.
‘Can’t wait to have you home,’ she replies and I feel a shiver of excitement.
* * *
It’s not every day that a traffic-choked ring road makes your heart sing with joy, but today that’s exactly what happens the minute I hit the North Circular. With every mile driven, every junction passed as I came down the A1, I’d felt the tension seep from me, but this road? This horrible, fume-filled nightmare of a road really does mean home.
By the time I pull onto Kirstie’s street and find a parking space, I feel as though the weight has lifted from my shoulders. I close my eyes, take a deep breath, then?—
Bang, bang, bang, bang!
I scream as I turn to the window and see Kirstie’s face peering in at me. My heart’s hammering but I fling open the door, climb out, and her arms are round me before I’ve even had time to draw breath. We hold each other for ages, and when she finally peels away, there are tears in both our eyes. I swipe my face with the back of one hand, while Kirstie clings onto the other one.
‘Fuck, Miranda, I’m not one to be sentimental, but I’m so glad to have you home,’ she says.
‘I’m so glad to be home.’ I look round. ‘Where’s Soph?’
‘She’s coming over in a bit. She had an emergency reiki appointment to do for someone or something.’ She pulls a face then moves round to the back of my car, hoiks the boot open, and drags out a suitcase. ‘Come on, let’s get you inside and pour you a massive glass of wine.’
* * *
It’s dark by the time Sophie arrives, and I’m already a glass of wine down. I’m curled into the corner of Kirstie’s enormous velvet sofa, legs tucked beneath me, candles flickering in all corners of the room.
Sophie wafts in, envelops me in a hug and I feel tears threaten once more.
‘You, young lady, need to tell us everything,’ she says. ‘But first, please can we order some food before I pass out from hunger?’
We busy ourselves with ordering a Thai takeaway from my favourite place round the corner, then settle back onto the sofa. Kirstie has put on a chilled playlist, and even though I can’t get back into my own house yet, it’s so comforting and so familiar to me, that it really does feel like I’ve come home, and that my six months in Newcastle were nothing more than a dream.
‘So, how are you feeling?’ Sophie says, her head tipped to one side, tendrils of auburn hair trailing across her face.
‘I’m okay,’ I say. ‘Actually I’m better than that. I’m great.’
‘And how do you feel about… you know. Everything?’
‘She means,’ Kirstie says, leaning forward, ‘have you worked out what you’re going to do about being in love with Matt.’
‘I do not mean that!’ Sophie says indignantly.
‘It’s okay,’ I say, smiling. ‘I mean, it is what you both want to ask me, right?’
A slow smile spreads across Sophie’s face and she dips her head in acknowledgement. ‘Fine, okay. It is. I was just going to build up to it a bit more subtly.’ She flashes Kirstie a look, but Kirstie just sticks her tongue out and turns back to me.
‘So, Jay wasn’t the one, but Matt was. I guess that means your dreams didn’t mean anything after all.’
I sigh, ignoring the jibe I know is aimed at Sophie. ‘I really, really thought they did. Well, obviously I did, otherwise I wouldn’t have gone halfway across the country trying to find him.’
‘I still think the dreams meant something,’ Sophie says thoughtfully, and we both ignore Kirstie’s eye roll.
‘What do you mean?’ I say.
‘Okay. Firstly, you went there for a fresh start, to reassess your life. Not just for a man. And you definitely got something out of that. But I also think that, while the man in your dreams may not have been exactly the man you were looking for, the whole thing did actually help you find the man of your dreams anyway.’ She holds her hands out, palms up, as though each one represents each man.
‘Even if that made any sense at all that’s complete bollocks,’ Kirstie says, tucking a strand of blonde hair behind her ear. ‘But I do think we need to talk about what you’re going to do about the delectable Matt.’
‘Nothing,’ I say, shrugging. ‘What can I do?’
‘You could admit that you’re in love with him for a start.’ Kirstie has a wicked glint in her eye.
‘I’m not sure about love, not yet. But yes, okay, I’m willing to admit I do have feelings for him.’
‘Aha, I knew it!’ Kirstie says triumphantly. ‘What did I say all along?’
‘Yes, I know. But also, what’s your point? I mean, he’s gone.’
‘So, you’re just going to give up?’
‘I don’t see that I have any choice. He’s moved to Canada for God’s sake.’
‘So go to Canada.’
This time it’s my turn to roll my eyes. ‘Even if I did have the money and time to jump on a plane to Toronto, Matt left without telling me where he was going. If he’d wanted to stay in touch, he’d have given me his address, wouldn’t he?’
‘You’ve got his phone number. Just ring him.’
‘I can’t.’
‘You won’t, you mean.’
‘Okay, I won’t. I’m not going to go chasing halfway across the world and beg him to love me. This isn’t a bloody Richard Curtis film, this is real life.’
‘You went to Newcastle.’
‘It’s not exactly the same though, is it? Besides, this is an entirely different situation.’
Kirstie makes both Sophie and I jump by banging her hand down onto the coffee table. We turn to look at her.
‘You’re making me cross,’ she says, pointing her finger at me.
‘Me?’
She nods her head. ‘Of course you. You’ve been on your own for so long now?—’
‘I was with Darren before I left London and I’ve been with Jay for the last few months?—’
‘—apart from wildly inappropriate men, and Sophie and I have spent years watching you tie yourself in knots looking for Mr Right. Now he’s right in front of your face and has already told you he really likes you, and you’re not even going to try and make it work because you’re too proud to send a text? ’ She throws a look at Sophie. ‘Back me up here, Soph. You agree with me, don’t you?’
Sophie squirms, but eventually nods her head. ‘I do actually. Sorry, Miranda.’
A silence hangs in the air for a moment and I wait, wondering whether either of them are going to say anything else. But then Kirstie folds her arms across her chest and slumps back on the sofa and it’s clear she’s finished her point.
‘I—’ I start, but I don’t really know what to say. Because she’s right, really, isn’t she? Matt is my Mr Right, and we do have lots in common, and actually not having him in my life these last few months has left me with an empty feeling right in the pit of my belly that nothing else seems to fill. I long to hear his voice again with every atom in my body.
And yet.
‘I just can’t,’ I say. ‘I’ve only just ended things with Jay.’
‘Maybe, but he was never right for you. I saw it immediately.’
‘He was lovely though. And anyway, I still need time to lick my wounds before I can even think about being with someone else.’
Then before either of them can say anything else, I stand. ‘I’m really tired and I’m feeling really sad about Jay and I really, really don’t want to talk about this any more. Please.’ Then I walk out of the room.