Chapter 28
28
Matt didn’t tell me the exact date he was leaving, but over the next couple of months I keep wondering whether he’s still around or whether he’s halfway across the world by now, starting a brand-new life.
It shouldn’t matter because since that day in the park, Jay and I have grown closer. We’ve begun to build a life together, to spend time at each other’s homes, getting to know each other properly. Over the summer holidays when I didn’t have any work, we enjoyed long walks in the park with Alan, we went out for dinner and shared each other’s food; I gave Jay a musical education, and he made me try skydiving again (which petrified me slightly less the second time around even though I still swear I’ll never do it again). We went for bikes rides round the park, and I met his friends who all seem perfectly nice but much more lad-like than the people I hang out with. Every day that passes, our lives have become more entwined, and the time I spent with Matt has become more of a distant memory.
And yet I still think about him, and Gladys, and it makes my heart ache.
When Jay and I walk Alan in the park where Matt and I walked with Gladys, I think about them. When we go for dinner, I remember the meals Matt and I shared. And when we head to the coast for a day trip Matt is right at the front of my mind and it’s an effort not to stare at the lighthouse and remember the moment we had up there all those weeks ago.
Jay makes me happy. Being with him isn’t exactly the way it felt in my dreams – I don’t feel swoony, or weak at the knees; my heart doesn’t soar with love every time I see him, and the butterflies in my stomach aren’t as strong as I’d imagined them to be – but with each day and week that passes I feel happier, more confident that we’re meant to be together. We may not have much in common, but he’s kind and gentle and funny, and I’m glad I found him in real life – because let’s face it, being with a real life man has got to be better than spending time with a man who only exists in your mind.
It’s September now, and I’ve been in Newcastle for five months. Although it doesn’t feel like home exactly – I still miss London and my friends – I feel more settled here than I’d ever expected to. I’m still a supply teacher but I’ve been in chats with the head of one school about becoming a permanent member of staff there, and I’ve found a new tenant for my house in London for a few more months. Life is good, and moving on.
Today, Jay is taking me for a day out, and I’ve been feeling worried about it for some time. We’re going to the golf course where he’s a member because he wants to teach me how to play, and then there’s a dinner-dance afterwards that I’ve agreed to be his date for. Golf isn’t my thing at all – I can’t stand the forced formality, the slow pace of the game nor, often, the types of people who choose it as a sport. I know that sounds awful and snobby, and it is. I am awful, and I’m tarring everyone with the same brush. And yet I can’t help it that when he suggested it my first instinct was to shout ‘no fucking way!’
I didn’t, of course, and now he’s about to come and pick me up. I stand at the window and watch as Jay’s new car pulls up outside. He finally got insurance money through from his old car and has bought himself a brand-new electric BMW. Cars aren’t my thing, but even I’m impressed as it glides to the kerb outside my flat. When Jay spots me at the window he gives me a wave and I wave back, pick up my bag, and hurry down the stairs to meet him.
‘Hey,’ he says, as I close the door behind me. He’s standing on the pavement and holding the passenger door open for me, and gives me a hug as I approach. When I step back he appraises me.
‘Suitable attire for the golf club?’ I say, doing a twirl.
He must notice an edge to my voice because his face grimaces momentarily before clearing. ‘Perfect attire,’ he says.
I try not to notice his polo shirt with the club crest on the left-hand pocket, and the mid-blue chinos that are the sort of thing my dad would wear to go for dinner. I haven’t seen him dressed like this before, and it’s only for today. Which means it doesn’t matter if it’s one of the least attractive outfits I’ve ever seen him wear.
I climb into the car, he closes the door behind me, gets into the driver’s side and we pull off slowly into the traffic. The golf club Jay plays at is just north of Gosforth and it doesn’t take us long to get there.
‘Ready?’ Jay says, squeezing my fingers, and I force a smile and nod. This means a lot to him, so I just need to get on with it.
The course is busy this morning, so Jay takes me to the driving range first.
‘It’s a good place to warm up your balls,’ he says, waggling his eyebrows, and I burst out laughing, which earns me a strange look from a man passing by.
‘Come on then, let’s get them warmed up,’ I say, picking up the golf clubs he’s passed me and grasping his hand with my other one.
I’m useless, of course. Every time I swing the club I swipe aimlessly at the air, then almost topple over as it makes zero contact with anything. The ball just sits there, perfectly still, taunting me.
‘Keep your head down,’ Jay says patiently, and I try, I really do. But after what feels like at least eight thousand missed shots even he’s beginning to lose patience.
‘I need a rest,’ I say, propping the club against the wall. ‘You show me how it’s done.’
He doesn’t argue, and steps forward to hit a few shots. He’s good – at least, to a complete beginner he looks good – and is soon smashing ball after ball, sending them soaring into the air and landing at some impossible-looking distance away.
I watch for a while, first admiring his biceps as he hits the ball, then wondering whether I should be paying more attention so I actually pick up some tips on how to hit a bloody golf ball. After a while though I start to get bored, and I wonder whether it would be rude to get my phone out and scroll through Instagram and Facebook, or check my WhatsApp messages. But before I can decide, there’s a shout from behind me and when I turn I see a group of four or five men approaching, all wearing similar outfits to Jay but with varying degrees of trouser/shorts length and varying degrees of hair thinning.
They don’t pay any attention to me and walk straight up to Jay and start greeting each other in that back-slapping way men like to do, taking the piss out of the way he hit that last ball, and wondering if he fancies a pint. I watch on in amusement, wondering at what point he’s going to introduce me. To his credit it only takes a few seconds for him to explain, somewhat sheepishly, that he’s here with me.
‘This is Miranda,’ he says, and, as one, the flock of them turn to face me.
The first to step forward and proffer his hand is a slightly chunky man about my age with greying-blonde hair and a sunburned face. He’s not bad-looking but the pink polo shirt he’s wearing makes his skin look even pinker, giving him a slightly porcine look.
‘Hello, Miranda, lovely to meet you. Sorry, we didn’t know James was here with someone. I’m Simon.’ James , hey? Is he trying to impress me or are they not on close enough terms for him to know him as Jay?
‘It’s fine, lovely to meet you too,’ I say, taking his damp hand and shaking it.
One by one they all introduce themselves and, while they all seem perfectly nice, there’s something about them as a group that makes me feel wary. Stop it, Miranda. They’re Jay’s friends, so they must be nice.
‘We’re off to play nine holes, do you want to join us?’ says the bald man who introduced himself as Rich.
‘I don’t actually play, Jay was teaching me the basics,’ I say. ‘Sorry.’
‘I bet he was.’ Rich grins. I see Jay rolling his eyes behind him and suppress a smile.
‘We’ll be here for a while though, we’re staying for the dinner tonight.’
‘Oh great, well, we’ll meet you here in a couple of hours then, shall we?’
‘Sure. See you later.’
They all disappear and Jay snakes his arm round my waist and plants a kiss on my lips. ‘Sorry about them. Bunch of idiots really but they’re all right once you get to know them, promise.’
I kiss him back. ‘It’s nice to meet some of your friends.’
‘Well, they’re just golfing buddies really, I?—’
‘It’s fine. You don’t have to justify anything. They seemed nice.’
‘Well. Good.’ He pulls away. ‘Now, are you interested in some more lessons’ – he sneaks behind me and wraps his arms round me, pressing himself into my back – ‘like this’ – he runs his hands along my arms and takes hold of my hands and the club – ‘or would you prefer to stop and go and get a drink?’ He nuzzles my ear and sends a throb of desire through me.
‘Oh I don’t know,’ I say, turning my head to kiss him. ‘What do you think?’
He stays still for moment then pulls away with a groan. ‘Oh God, as much as I’d like to continue this here, we might get thrown out for being indecent if we don’t stop now.’
I glance round. ‘I don’t think anyone has noticed.’ I step towards him and when I press against him I can feel he’s hard. He gasps, then steps back again.
‘No, no, no, no, no.’ He laughs, shaking his head. ‘Not here. I’ll get banned.’ He grabs my hand and drags me away from the almost-empty driving range. ‘But sod this, let’s go and have a snog behind the clubhouse then go and get a drink.’
We manage a quick kiss out of sight of everyone else but Jay soon gets cold feet about being caught again so, like naughty schoolchildren, we make ourselves stop and enter the clubhouse, giggling. There aren’t many people in here yet, mainly bar and waiting staff getting ready for the event later, but the people who are here are glued to a football match playing on the large TV in the corner and don’t pay us any attention.
Jay glances at the screen and hesitates a fraction of a second before we take our drinks to a quiet table in the corner away from the TV.
‘Are you sure you don’t want to watch it?’ I say, indicating the screen where men are running around in red and blue kits.
‘No, it’s fine. I’d rather talk to you.’
We sit and chink our glasses. ‘Thanks for coming today,’ Jay says.
‘It’s fine, it’s been fun.’
‘I know it’s not your idea of a great day out, which is why it means so much.’ He takes a sip of his pint. ‘You know, some of the people here aren’t my type of person either, but there really are some great ones too.’ He puts his drink down, suddenly serious, and takes my hand. ‘I’m so happy you’re here with me. I just want you to be part of my life. All of it.’
‘I want to be part of your life too,’ I say. And I mean it. If I have to do things I don’t love every now and then for us to be happy, then that’s fine with me, especially as Jay seems perfectly happy to do things I love in return.
Soon it’s almost time for Jay’s friends to get back.
‘We should probably go and get changed into our glad rags,’ I say, checking the time. The football has finished by now and all the tables are laid in the dining room, ready for dinner.
‘You’re right. See you back here in ten.’
As I pull on my dress and top up my make-up in the changing rooms, I make a promise to myself to relax into this evening. It means a lot to Jay that I like his friends – and that they like me.
After one last quick check in the mirror, I go back to look for Jay. I spot him standing by the bar and as I walk over I take a moment to study him. He looks so handsome, and my stomach flips with desire.
But as he turns to face me my heart catches in my throat as I notice something.
‘Hey, you okay?’ he says, pulling me close to kiss my cheek. He smells divine. I pull away. ‘You look worried.’
‘I’m fine,’ I say. ‘You look lovely.’
‘So do you. Bloody gorgeous in fact.’ He leans in and presses his lips to my ear. ‘I wish I could take you home and get you out of that dress right now.’
I shiver with desire.
‘Later.’
He groans and turns towards the bar and I take a deep breath, trying to steady my heart. Because the thing I’ve noticed? He’s wearing a pink tie – just like the one he was wearing the day I almost knocked him over in London!
It’s the final piece of the jigsaw; the ultimate confirmation, if I needed it, that he’s the man I’ve been searching for all this time.
I’m dying to ring Sophie and Kirstie. But there’s no time as Jay’s handing me a glass of wine, leading me towards a table full of his friends and introducing me.
When we sit down for dinner I end up between Jay on my left and Simon on my right. Jay spends much of the meal with his hand on my thigh, creeping up higher when he thinks no one is watching. I bat it away several times, trying to ignore the tug of desire.
But if I’d been expecting to find Jay’s friends hard work, I’m pleasantly surprised. Sure, some of the things they talk about aren’t my cup of tea – golf, work, football, for starters. But they’re nice people, and they’re welcoming, and by the time the plates are cleared I feel relaxed, and happy.
‘Hello, we haven’t been introduced.’
A voice beside me brings me out of my reverie and I turn to find one of the wives smiling at me.
‘I’m Helen,’ she says. I take her proffered hand and give it a shake.
‘Miranda.’
‘I know,’ she replies. ‘It’s really lovely to meet you at last.’
‘At last?’ I raise my eyebrows, surprised and pleased at the idea that Jay might have been talking about me to his friends.
‘Oh yes,’ she says, leaning in conspiratorially. ‘I mean, they might not talk about anything of any consequence, but James told Ade – that’s my husband, the one with the beard that needs a trim over there’ – she waves her hand across the other side of the table – ‘about you and then Ade told me. Me and the girls were amazed.’
‘Oh.’ I’m not quite sure what to say. Why would it be so amazing that Jay had met someone? Surely he was a pretty eligible bachelor?
‘Thrilled too of course,’ she says, with a laugh. ‘Anyway, I was desperate to meet you, and now I have so hooray!’ She’s obviously had quite a lot to drink and her words are beginning to slur into each other. Her wine glass is full to the brim and she sips at it constantly, topping it up when it reaches half-full and starting again.
‘I didn’t realise I was famous,’ I say, smiling.
‘Oh gosh yes. We never thought James would find anyone to put up with him after everything.’ Her eyes widen and she claps her hand to her mouth. ‘Oh gosh, I didn’t mean that.’ She glances round. ‘Me and my big mouth.’
‘It’s fine,’ I say, but my heart is hammering. I want to ask her what she meant by ‘everything’. Was she talking about Amy’s affair? But why would that mean nobody would want to be with him?
I’m just working out how to ask her, when she knocks her wine glass flying, spraying wine onto her lap.
‘Oh shit!’ she says, dabbing ineffectually at her dress with a napkin. She looks at me. ‘I’m so sorry, I’m just going to sort this out. I’ll be right back.’
Before I can reply she teeters off unsteadily in the direction of the ladies’. A couple of the other women follow her and as soon as they’re out of the door I turn to search for Jay. He’s talking to a few of his friends at the bar and when he sees me looking he flashes me a smile.
What had Helen been about to tell me, I wonder? Was Jay really hiding some dark secret – or was she just drunk and trying to stir things up?
I’m not sure how I’m going to find out now, so I stand and head towards Jay. When I reach him he curls his arm round my waist.
‘Hello, you,’ he says, and I lean into him. ‘Sorry I abandoned you, I was just telling Rich about the car.’
‘Fascinating,’ I say, rolling my eyes, and Jay grins at Rich.
‘Miranda’s not much of a car lover,’ he says.
‘Can’t blame you, neither’s Leah,’ he says. ‘Sorry for keeping him away from you for so long.’
‘It’s fine,’ I say, smiling. ‘Please carry on.’
As they continue to drone on about test drives and electric charging points, I keep half an ear on their conversation and the rest of my attention on looking out for Helen. I want to see if I can get her to tell me what she was about to say before we were interrupted.
Suddenly I spot her crossing the room with the two women who followed her to the loo before. She has a wet patch across the front of her dress where she’s clearly tried to scrub away the wine stain and looks even more unsteady on her feet.
‘I’m just going back to talk to Helen,’ I say, stepping out of Jay’s grip.
He glances over and frowns.
‘Are you sure? She looks three sheets to the wind, I’m not sure it’ll be the most riveting conversation.’
I press my hand onto his arm. ‘I’m sure it won’t be any more dull than car talk.’
He dips his head. ‘Point taken. Sorry.’
As I walk across the room I feel fuzzy round the edges. I’m not used to daytime drinking and it’s loosened up my tongue a little.
Before I even reach Helen’s table she sees me and throws her arms wide in greeting as though we’re long lost friends. ‘Ladies, have you met Miranda?’ she says, her eyes shining, tendrils of hair slipping out of her immaculate chignon and sticking to her cheek.
The other two women with her turn towards me, and I hold out my hand. ‘Lovely to meet you both,’ I say, taking each of their slightly clammy hands in turn. They introduce themselves as Leah and Jo, married to Rich and Graham respectively (I don’t like to ask which one Graham is). Leah is decidedly more friendly than Jo, who is frosty, at best.
‘You got the wine out of your dress I see,’ I say, turning to Helen.
‘Oh yes!’ She giggles. ‘I’m so clumsy.’ She looks at Leah. ‘I was just telling Miranda that we’ve been looking forward to meeting her for ages, haven’t we?’
‘Oh yes.’ Leah claps her hands together like an excited child. ‘Ever since Rich told me that Jay had met someone at last, I’ve been dying to meet you.’
‘Well, it’s good to know he’s not hiding me away.’
Leah’s laugh tinkles. ‘No, he’s dead chuffed. He told us about you not long after his accident.’ She lowers her voice conspiratorially. ‘He said you visited him in hospital even though you didn’t know him because you wanted to make sure he was okay.’ She clutches her hands to her chest.
‘Well, yes,’ I start, but Leah hasn’t finished.
‘It’s so romantic, isn’t it, Jo,’ she says, turning to the tiny birdlike woman beside her.
‘I suppose so,’ she says, then looks back down at her drink. Shy, or rude? It’s hard to decide so I don’t worry about it for now.
‘Well, I’m obviously very glad I did now,’ I say. ‘He’s such a lovely man.’
There’s no mistaking the look Jo shoots them both, and now my curiosity is more than piqued.
‘But I’m still getting to know him properly,’ I add, hoping to keep the conversation on track. ‘Have you all been friends for a long time?’
‘Years,’ Helen says.
‘Since our twenties,’ Leah adds.
‘Oh?’ I’m surprised. From the fact that they call him James to the way they are with each other, I assumed they’d only known him for a short time, a few years at most.
‘Well, I have,’ Leah says. ‘We used to work together, and it was through me that Jay met everyone else – Rich and I got together soon after and they’ve been friends since then too.’
Helen leans forward then. ‘We’ve been with him through everything .’
‘Great,’ I say. ‘So, is there anything I should know about him? Any dark, hidden secrets?’ I try to keep my voice breezy, like it doesn’t matter either way, but I still feel the change in the air.
‘I’m not sure we should be talking about this.’ This is the most Jo has said since she introduced herself, and we all turn to face her but she doesn’t seem inclined to say anything further.
Luckily Jo’s interruption doesn’t appear to put the other two women off their stride, and after a second’s hesitation, Helen leans forward again.
‘We’re very protective of James,’ she says. ‘Aren’t we, Leah?’
‘Yes,’ she agrees. ‘We’re so glad he’s found someone at last.’
There’s that ‘at last’ again.
‘We thought the affair would put other women off for good,’ Helen adds.
‘The… affair?’ I manage. ‘Oh, when Amy cheated on him. Yes, he told me about that!’ A bud of relief blooms in my chest, but withers again almost immediately when I notice the look that passes between Leah and Helen. What aren’t they telling me?
‘I think you should leave it,’ Jo says, her voice almost a hiss.
‘But I’m just talking to Miranda.’ Helen slurs. More wine splashes onto the carpet as she turns to Leah. ‘We never thought Amy was good enough for him, did we, Leah?’
‘No, snobby cow she was,’ Leah agrees.
Helen shakes her head. ‘I know I shouldn’t say this, but we were glad when he finally did the dirty on her.’
My blood runs cold.
‘Sorry, what…’ I swallow. ‘ He did the dirty on her ? He told me…’ I stop, not wanting to finish the sentence.
Across the room I see Jay disentangling himself from Rich and heading our way.
‘Hello, ladies,’ he says, as he approaches. ‘Thank you for looking after Miranda for me.’
‘James!’ Helen leaps up and drapes her arm around Jay’s neck and plants a kiss on his cheek that leaves a lipstick stain. He gently moves away and she and Leah pick up their glasses. ‘We were just telling Miranda here how much we love you and how glad we are that you’ve met someone at last.’
‘That’s nice,’ Jay says, but I see him wince, his body tense.
‘All right then, we’ll leave you two love birds to it,’ Leah says, tucking her arm through Helen’s. ‘You coming, Jo?’
‘In a minute,’ Jo says. Leah shrugs then they teeter off together towards the bar.
‘Sorry about them, love, they do go on sometimes,’ Jay says as they disappear. ‘I thought it was time I came and rescued you.’
‘It’s fine,’ I say, trying to keep my voice normal. ‘They seemed lovely.’
He rolls his eyes and says, ‘In small doses,’ and normally I would laugh and agree with him that, actually, they were quite annoying. But I don’t.
‘Are you coming over to sit with me?’ he says, flashing a look at Jo as he holds out his hand.
‘Actually we were just having a chat.’ Jo is smiling sweetly at me, her hand on my forearm. Were we?
‘Oh right.’ Jay looks from me to Jo and back again and steps back. ‘Well, I’ll leave you to it for a bit longer then, if you want to stay…?’
‘Yes, we’ll just finish our conversation,’ Jo says, and her tone invites no argument.
I nod. ‘Sure.’
‘Okay then, I’ll see you in a bit.’ He flashes me one more uncertain look, then walks slowly back to rejoin his friends.
‘So, what was it you wanted to talk about?’ I smile sweetly at Jo as soon as Jay is out of earshot. She clearly has a problem with me and I’m too old for beating about the bush.
‘I saw you,’ she says, her voice clipped.
‘Saw me?’
She nods tightly. ‘On the TV, a few weeks ago.’
It takes a second for the penny to drop.
‘Oh! On Look North? Yes, that was me.’ I laugh, but her face barely twitches. She’s watching me so intensely I feel like I’m under scrutiny at passport control. Guilty, even though I haven’t done anything wrong.
‘You said you were looking for someone, a man called Jay,’ she says, and I feel the blood drain from my face. Of course. This must look weird to her, if she remembers the details of what I said. But before I can explain she carries on.
‘You said you’d met him in London on a couple of nights out, and that you’d forgotten to exchange numbers.’ She pauses. ‘And you said he had a dog and liked skydiving.’ She cocks her head to one side. ‘It all seems a bit of a coincidence, doesn’t it?’
I don’t know what to say, how to explain myself. ‘I…’ I start and trail off. Quick, think. What would Kirstie do? Never apologise, never explain . I paste a smile on my face and start again. ‘I guess I just got lucky,’ I say, trying for breezy but failing miserably.
She doesn’t fall for it. I glance round nervously, but nobody is watching us.
‘The thing is, I know you didn’t meet him there. He rarely goes to London and he definitely never mentioned that he met you on a night out. I even asked him, afterwards, if that was how he met you, and he said no. In fact he very definitely said that he met you in the hospital after his accident.’ Her face is unreadable. My heart thumps as she leans closer so that all her features are blurred when she says the next words. ‘So why did you help him after the accident?’
‘I—’
‘Were you following him? Stalking him?’
‘What? No!’ Indignation rises in me. I’m not a stalker! Why would she think that? But then again, unless I tell her the truth – which I have absolutely no intention of doing – then there is no simple explanation. I take a deep breath and opt for the least terrible of the confessions.
‘Listen,’ I say, running my hands through my hair and swallowing. ‘I did come up here to look for someone. But it wasn’t Jay.’
She’s still staring at me and I squirm under her gaze.
‘So, I, um…’ God, how am I going to get out of this without sounding like a lunatic? Could I just get up and run away and never see any of these people ever again? It’s beginning to feel like the best solution right now.
‘It was… it was my fault. The accident.’
Her face barely twitches as she waits for me to elaborate. ‘I’m…’ God, stop stammering, Miranda. You’re not a teenager and she’s not your teacher . I sit up a little straighter and look her right in the eye. ‘Look, it was my fault Jay crashed his car. I pulled out in front of him on my bike, and I felt bad so I went to the hospital to make sure he was going to be all right.’ She raises her eyebrows, nothing more. I plough on. In for a penny, right? ‘I’d fully intended to tell him how sorry I was, but when he woke up he didn’t seem to realise it was me, so I decided not to tell him. Especially as… well, especially as we were getting on so well.’ I shrug. ‘I didn’t see the point.’
Jo’s face is such a mask I wonder for a moment whether she’s even heard a word I’ve said. But then she gives a small nod. ‘Right. So the other stuff, about the guy you were looking for. That was just coincidence, was it?’
‘I guess it must have been.’ I’m about to say something more, to try and justify myself again, but then I remember what Helen said about Jay’s affair and the fury flares inside me like a match to kindling. ‘Anyway, I think I’ve got bigger fish to fry, haven’t I?’
For the first time she looks surprised and I feel glad. ‘What do you mean?’
I fold my arms over my chest and sit back in my chair. ‘Was what Helen said true, about Jay’s affair? Because it’s quite a different story from the one he told me.’
Jo sits statue-still for a moment, then lets out a long sigh.
‘It’s not my place to talk about it. You need to ask Jay.’
‘Right.’ A heat flushes through my body that’s nothing to do with the alcohol.
‘But just know that what happened wasn’t his fault. Helen was right when she said Amy didn’t deserve him.’ She leans forward. ‘James is a good man. I don’t want to see him get hurt again.’
Then before I can reply, she stands and stalks off towards the table where her husband is, leaving me wondering what on earth to do now.
* * *
‘Please, Miranda, let me explain.’
It’s two hours later and Jay and I are outside the golf club waiting for a taxi.
After Helen and Jo’s revelations I didn’t say anything to Jay straight away, not wanting to make a scene in front of his friends. But adding more alcohol into the situation certainly didn’t help and now, having asked him to tell me the truth about what went on between him and his ex-wife, I’m finding it hard to focus on his answer.
I sit on a small brick wall to steady myself and look up at him.
‘Explain then,’ I say, my words slurred. ‘Because they said you were the one who had the affair but I could have sworn you told me it was Amy who cheated on you. That she broke your heart.’
For a few moments he doesn’t reply, and I watch cars pass on the road, their lights a streak across my eyes. A couple walks past and the woman gives a loud shriek as she stumbles, then laughs as her partner helps her up again. We both watch as they weave their way down the road and disappear round the corner.
Jay sits down beside me but doesn’t make any move to hold my hand, just stares straight ahead.
‘Amy made it clear she didn’t want me around any more,’ he finally says. ‘She made me feel like she’d prefer it if she was married to literally anyone else in the whole world and believe me, after a while that grinds you down.’
It tallies with what the others said, but in my alcohol haze I’m not minded to let him off as easily as that.
‘So you thought you’d just sleep with someone else to get her back?’
He shakes his head and I turn to look at him. He’s watching me now. ‘It wasn’t like that, I swear. It just happened, and only once. I didn’t plan it.’
I look away and he carries on talking.
‘It was a stupid thing to do but… but she made me feel like I was desirable again, and after the way Amy treated me, I…’ He rubs his face. ‘I know it sounds pathetic. But you don’t know how shit she made me feel.’
‘Jo clearly does.’
His head whips round.
‘Jo? What’s she got to do with anything?’
‘She seems to think I’m out to hurt you again. She’s very protective.’ My tongue feels fat in my mouth and I struggle to get this last word out. I should probably stop talking now; go home, get some sleep and talk this through with Jay sensibly in the morning.
I also know I’m not going to do that.
‘Why didn’t you tell me the truth?’
He shrugs. ‘It’s not really something you just drop into the conversation with a new girlfriend, is it?’
‘It’s not exactly a good look to start a relationship with a lie either.’ Ha, rich coming from you, Miranda. I ignore myself, full of Sauvignon Blanc-fuelled righteous indignation.
A taxi pulls up on the opposite side of the road and I stand. The world spins.
‘I’m going home.’ Jay stands too. ‘Alone.’ I stumble and hold my hand out in front of me to keep Jay away when he moves to help me. ‘No!’
He steps back, a stricken look on his face. ‘Please, Miranda. Don’t be like this.’
But I can’t look at him any more so I wobble across the road, yank open the cab door, and almost fall into the taxi, mumbling my address to the driver. I don’t look round as we speed away down the road, and I’m asleep before we’ve rounded the corner.
* * *
When I wake up, sunlight is streaming through the curtains that I left open last night, I’m still in my underwear, and my breath feels like I’ve been eating soil all night. I roll over, reach for a stale glass of water on my bedside table and down it, not caring about the layer of dust on the top. Ugh, I feel terrible.
Then I remember last night – snatches of it at least – and feel even worse. The ridiculous conversation with the disapproving Jo, the even more ridiculous conversation with the drunken Leah and Helen – and the slurred accusations I threw at Jay afterwards.
And then I remember that I left him stranded at the golf club and am overwhelmed with guilt.
I grab my mobile from my bedside table and check for messages. There are loads from Jay.
Jay
Did you get home OK?
Please talk to me.
OK I’m going to bed now. But I love you.
Are you awake?
Ring me when you get this. I want to explain
I drop my phone on the bed and close my eyes. I know I should reply, or ring him and talk things through. But I don’t feel up to doing anything until I’ve had a shower.
I drag myself to the bathroom and let the hot water pummel me. My head is still pounding and I could be sick at any given moment, but at least the world has stopped spinning and I feel slightly more human again.
As I walk back into the bedroom wrapped in a towel, my phone is ringing. I’m tempted to ignore it completely, sure it’s going to be Jay, and I don’t feel quite ready to speak to him yet. But then I notice the name on the screen and snatch it up before it stops.
‘You’re alive!’ the voice screams.
‘Hello, Soph,’ I say. Then I burst into tears.
‘Oh my God, M, what’s wrong?’
I can’t answer as the sobs keep coming. There’s a clanging noise from her end, then she says, ‘Look at me! M!’ and I prise the phone from my ear to see she’s switched to a video call and I’m so happy to see her familiar face it makes me cry even harder.
After a good couple of minutes I manage to get myself under control. Sophie is still waiting, watching me with concern.
‘Sorry, Soph. That reaction took me by surprise as well,’ I say, sheepishly, swiping my hand across my sodden face. ‘Hang on, I need a tissue.’ Finally I’m back, my face dry and my chest only giving the odd hitch.
‘Sorry,’ I repeat.
‘Don’t be. I was worried about you.’
‘Were you? Why?’
She cocks her head to one side. ‘Your text last night?’
I sent her a text?
‘What… what text?’
‘Oh, M.’ She pulls her glasses from their perch in her nest of hair, squints at her phone and jabs a couple of buttons, then reads it out. ‘I’ve made such a mess of things. Jay is a horrible cheat. I love Matt and now he’s gone and I’m going to be sad and lonely forever.’ She looks at me. ‘The spelling’s all over the shop, but I’m guessing you have no recollection of sending me that?’
My face burns and I shake my head in shame. ‘No,’ I whimper.
‘Oh, darling, tell me everything.’
Shakily, I tell her what I can remember of last night. About how I thought I might really be falling for Jay, about his friends and the revelation that Jay cheated on his ex-wife after telling me she was the one who cheated. ‘And then I left him there all on his own,’ I say, sniffling. ‘I’m an awful person.’
‘You are not an awful person.’
‘Hmmmpph.’ I can’t look at her, so I pick at a thread on my towel and sniffle some more.
‘Miranda, please look at me.’ Slowly I lift my head and look my friend in the eye. She’s frowning but smiling at the same time and I want her to wrap her arms around me and hold me in one of her hugs. But I have to make do with her words for now.
‘Miranda, are you really in love with Matt?’
‘No!’ The word comes out quickly but without conviction. I look away again, then shrug. ‘It was just the wine talking,’ I say, but I’m not even convincing myself.
‘Kirstie thinks you are.’
‘I know.’
‘She thinks you’re mad to let him go.’
‘Well, it’s too late now, isn’t it, because he’s gone.’
‘Only to Canada.’
‘It’s almost the other side of the world.’
‘It’s not the moon though, is it? It’s not an impossible place to visit.’
I shake my head vehemently. ‘No. Absolutely no way. I’m not even talking about this any more. Besides, I’m still with Jay.’
‘For now.’
‘He’s my soulmate, Soph, you know that.’ I sniff. ‘He even had a pink tie.’
‘What?’
I shake my head. ‘Nothing.’
There’s a hum of silence and I look up. Sophie looks serious.
‘Did you ever consider that you might have been looking in the wrong place?’
My heart skips. ‘What do you mean?’
‘I just think…’ she sighs. ‘Look, I don’t know Matt. I didn’t see you together. But Kirstie did and she says there were sparks even from where she was sitting.’
‘But I?—’
‘Hang on, let me finish.’ I snap my mouth shut. ‘It’s not just what Kirstie says though. I saw how you were when you talked about him. You seemed… I don’t know. I just know that I don’t think anyone has ever made you seem so… a live . And I include Nick in that.’
Wow. I don’t know what to say. There’s no point in saying anything really, because even if Sophie is right (and I’m not saying she is), then it’s all too late, because I messed it up with Matt anyway.
He’s gone.
I realise Sophie is saying something else to me.
‘Sorry, what?’
‘What are you going to do about Jay?’
Oh God, Jay. I rub my face in exasperation. ‘I honestly don’t know.’
‘You hate cheats.’
‘I do. But I need to talk to him without the booze getting in the way. Give him a chance to explain at least.’
Sophie’s always had an expressive face and this time it tells me everything I need to know.
‘You think I should leave him, don’t you?’
She shrugs. ‘I don’t know, M. I don’t know him. You do, and you tell me you’re happy. But I also know you.’
I take a deep breath and close my eyes, then snap them open again.
‘You’re right. And it’s not just the fact he had an affair, Soph, it’s the fact he lied about it – and who knows if he would ever have told me himself.’ I sigh. ‘The truth is, whatever his reasons, I’m not sure I can ever trust him again after this.’ I smile despite myself. ‘I mean, I know I’m one to talk when it comes to not quite telling the truth, but it’s not the same, is it? I haven’t hurt anyone.’
‘I mean, you did nearly kill him.’
‘God, I did, didn’t I?’ Something comes over me then, a burst of laughter bubbling up from deep inside, and suddenly I’m hysterical, tears streaming down my face, my stomach aching. I don’t know how long it lasts but when I finally look up Sophie is facing the other way as though she got bored of waiting. When she finally turns back again, she shakes her head.
‘Honestly, M, I think you’ve gone a bit mad all the way up there without us.’
‘Perhaps I should come home.’ The words are out before I’ve even given them any thought and they shock us both.
‘Do you mean it? You really want to throw it all away and come back?’
Do I? If I do end things with Jay, and Matt – and Gladys – are no longer here, what other reason is there to stay? I think about my house, my life back in London; about Sophie and Pieter, and Kirstie and her insane runs round Ally Pally, about the gigs we’ve missed, the nights when I’ve longed to speak to one or both of them and realised they’re no longer just round the corner, and I know.
‘I do,’ I say. ‘I’m coming home.’