Chapter 27
27
‘He stayed the night, didn’t he?’ These are the first words Kirstie says to me when I meet her outside the Pink Lane Bakery a few minutes’ walk from my flat.
‘Maybe,’ I say. I’m trying for coy, but the big grin plastered on my face is giving me away.
‘I knew it!’ She grins back. ‘So, how was it?’
‘It was…’ What’s the right word? Good? Nice? Amazing? ‘It was as good as I hoped it would be.’
She studies me a moment, then nods, and hooks her thumb over her shoulder. ‘I want much more detail, as you know, but can we eat first? I feel like I might keel over if I don’t get something inside me soon. Fnar.’ She snorts with laughter as I roll my eyes.
We head inside the bakery, where the smell of warm pastry combines with coffee and bacon and makes my stomach rumble. We order breakfast then sit down in a seat by the window. The sun through the glass is warm on my face and I pull my sunglasses down to shield my eyes.
‘So.’ Kirstie cups her chin in her hands. ‘Does the fact that you’ve shagged Jay mean you’ve decided to forget about the delicious Matt then?’
‘Kirstie!’ I say, glancing over my shoulder to make sure no one – especially the little girl sitting with her dad behind us – overheard her.
‘What? I’m only asking.’
‘Well, keep your voice down. I teach round here.’
‘Sorry.’ She looks suitably chastened. ‘I only wanted to know whether this means you’ve definitely made your choice.’
‘There is no choice to make,’ I say, as a teenager appears beside us balancing a tray precariously and places a latte in front of me and a pot of mint tea and an espresso in front of Kirstie.
‘Covering all bases I see.’ I point at her drink selection as she downs her espresso in one go.
‘Yep. Coffee to wake me up, tea to help me get rid of the crap from last night. Win-win situation.’ She folds her arms as I scrape foam from the top of my latte. ‘But don’t try and change the subject. I’m still quizzing you about your complicated love life.’
‘It’s not complicated at all,’ I say, taking a tentative sip of my coffee and wiping my lip with my napkin. ‘I came to find Jay, and I’ve found him. He’s lovely, we get on well and now… well. Now we appear to be together.’
‘Except there’s Matt.’
‘There is no Matt!’ My voice comes out louder than intended, and I lean towards her and continue in a much quieter voice, pushing my sunglasses back off my face. ‘You need to let this go, Kirst.’
She shakes her head slowly. ‘Except you forget that I know you. And I know you had feelings for Matt, and I’m not entirely convinced you have the same feelings for Jay. In fact,’ she continues, before I can object, ‘I think you might be trying to convince yourself you like him more than you actually do because you don’t want your crazy little mission to have failed.’
Anger flares through me and I sit back and cross my arms.
‘I do not have feelings for Matt, and I am not trying to convince myself I like Jay more than I do. I don’t know why you’re so obsessed with this.’
‘Because I know you, Miranda. And I just want you to be happy.’
‘Then just be pleased for me that I found Jay, and that he makes me happy.’ I pick up my cup and take a gulp, an end to the discussion.
Kirstie studies me, as if trying to decide whether to say anything further. Then she gives a small nod and sits back as well, and says, ‘Okay, fine. I’m happy for you.’
There’s no time for awkwardness because the teenager returns just then with our food and places a plate in front of each of us. Mine’s a sausage sandwich smothered in ketchup, Kirstie has gone for American pancakes with blueberries, and drowns them in a sea of maple syrup.
As we eat I try not to think about what she said about Matt and about me having feelings for him. Sure, I liked him. A lot. And we had lots of things in common; a love of books, of music. I think about the conversations we had about his dad, how they used to collect shells together, about how much he loved him, the pain of losing him almost a physical ache.
I think about Gladys, and how sad I feel that I might not see her again. But you can’t stay friends with someone just because you’ve fallen in love with their ancient dog, can you?
Instead I pull my thoughts back to the present, to now. To Jay. He’s a lovely man and, while we might not have as much in common on the surface, we get on well. And he has a dog I love anyway. So there’s that.
‘So, is this it then?’ Kirstie’s studying me with that serious look again and I glance back down at the crusts of bread on my plate, dotting the crumbs with my finger.
‘Is what it?’
‘Is Matt out of your life for good, or are you going to try and stay friends?’
I shrug. ‘I haven’t heard from him so I guess he’s decided he doesn’t want to know me any more.’
‘Right.’ She nods, chewing thoughtfully. ‘Because he’s in love with you.’
I shake my head. ‘Matt always knew I was looking for someone else. And now I’ve found that someone else it’s not fair to lead him on.’
She lets out a dramatic sigh. ‘It’s so sad. There was so much chemistry between you I felt sure he was The One. And you know I never normally get these things wrong.’
It feels cruel to point out that she never even seems to get these things right for herself let alone for anyone else. Instead I take a sip of my latte and wipe my mouth.
‘Listen, I like Jay and I enjoy spending time with him. We had great sex last night and I’m hoping it’s going to go somewhere. Can we please stop talking about Matt now?’
She hesitates a second, then lets out a puff of air herself. ‘Okay. Sorry. I just don’t want to see you make a mistake.’ She reaches for my hands and cups hers around them. ‘I love you, Miranda.’
‘And I love you too.’ I pull my hands away and dig out my purse. ‘Now shall we pay for this and get out of here?’
* * *
It’s a warm sunny day so we decide to go for a walk in Jesmond Dene. I’m slightly nervous of bumping into Matt – I’ve avoided it so far, just in case – but Kirstie wants to do some power-walking and I don’t want to give her any more reason to talk about Matt, so I agree.
‘Do you fancy turning it into a run?’ she says as we stroll back to my flat so I can change out of my jeans.
‘Ugh, I haven’t run for ages, I’m not sure I can manage it.’
‘I’ll be gentle, I promise,’ she says, and I agree just to stop her nagging.
Twenty minutes later we’re jogging down the hill towards the park, my breakfast sitting heavy in my belly, mixed with a feeling of dread.
Kirstie chats away, but I can barely catch my breath so I just let her talk. My chest hurts and I concentrate on breathing slowly, in two three, out two three, and as we head down the steep slope to the river, and across towards the café I’ve finally got it under control. It’s probably thanks to how difficult I’m finding the run that I don’t notice him at first, and it’s not until we’re almost in front of him that Kirstie tugs my arm. She looks excited, her eyebrows raised so high they’ve almost beetled into her hairline.
‘What’s wrong with you?’ I puff between breaths.
She’s nodding her head in a weird way now and I wonder whether she’s having some sort of stroke. ‘Over there,’ she whispers, like a pantomime baddie, and I look in the direction of her head bobs – and I stop dead.
It’s Matt. He’s on a bench about ten metres away, gazing down at Gladys, who’s beside him with her head on his lap. He’s watching her adoringly and my heart does a little leap.
‘Let’s turn around,’ I say, but Kirstie doesn’t move. And then it’s all too late anyway because Gladys has spotted me and she lifts her head and her tail thumps on the wooden slats behind her. Finally, slowly, Matt turns his head to see who she’s seen.
The look on his face probably mirrors my own – surprised, and awkward and pleased all at the same time. He smiles and Kirstie grabs my hand and pulls me towards him. I fuss over Gladys, who hasn’t moved from her spot yet, and avoid meeting Matt’s eye.
‘Hi, I’m Kirstie,’ Kirstie is saying beside me and I still can’t look at Matt. They shake hands, and Kirstie tells him she’s just up for a visit and she’s happy to meet him in real life at last.
‘It’s lovely to meet you too,’ Matt says, and oh GOD, why is this so awkward? I want to look at Matt and talk to him the way I always have, but I just can’t make myself feel natural. It’s as though I’ve forgotten how to hold my body, my face.
‘It’s good to see you Miranda,’ Matt says eventually, and at last I’m forced to turn and look at him. I wish Kirstie wasn’t watching me as I smile and say hello and ask how he is.
‘I’ve missed Gladys,’ I say, and he holds my gaze for a moment as though hoping for more. Then: ‘She’s missed you too.’
I kiss the top of her head and search her eyes. They seem sad and all-knowing. ‘How has she been? Any more kidney problems?’
Matt doesn’t answer immediately and I glance at his face. He looks pale.
‘Matt? Is everything all right?’
It’s then that I notice that he’s blinking rapidly, fighting to hold back tears, and my heart stops. ‘She’s not well,’ he says.
‘Oh no,’ I say, rubbing Gladys behind the ear. ‘Is it the same thing as before?’
He shakes his head tightly.
‘She’s dying, Miranda,’ he says. His voice cracks on the last word.
The park stands still, I forget to breathe. ‘What? What do you mean?’ Gladys can’t be dying. I clear my throat, suddenly choked. ‘What’s wrong with her?’
‘She stopped being able to breathe properly a couple of weeks back, and the vet said it was congestive heart failure.’ Matt sounds so sad it breaks my heart.
‘But they can do something about that, can’t they? Surely they can cure all sorts these days?’ I’m frantic, surprising even myself over the depth of my feelings for this little dog who brought Matt and I together. Whoever would have thought a little mutt like Gladys would have captured my heart so completely?
Matt shakes his head sadly. ‘No. Because of her age and how advanced it is, they said the kindest thing to do is to put her to sleep.’ He swallows. ‘I begged them to let me have a few more days with her, to take her to all her favourite places one last time.’ He waves his hand around the park. ‘And they agreed, so here we are. Saying goodbye.’
The lump in my throat feels as though it’s suffocating me and I try to swallow it down.
‘Oh, Matt, I’m so sorry.’ I sit down beside Gladys and rub the top of her head where the fur is so soft. She nuzzles into me and I feel a tear track down my cheek.
Kirstie is hovering nearby, bouncing on her toes, and I gesture for her to sit down. She does, and Matt looks up at us both.
‘I’m sorry to be the bearer of such sad news. But she’s had a wonderful life.’
‘I know.’ Gladys buries her face in Matt’s lap again and I move my hand away. ‘So where else have you taken her?’
‘Just around town. The quayside.’ Where we met. ‘The beach.’ Where we spent a lovely day. ‘Around Jesmond, seeing her friends.’
The thought of Gladys having friends tips me over the edge and I feel my breath hitch. ‘Oh, Gladys,’ I say, leaning down to plant a gentle kiss on her soft head. I look up at Matt. ‘So how have you been, otherwise?’
He shrugs. ‘Okay. Getting on.’
I look down at my feet. For once Kirstie doesn’t say anything.
‘I’m leaving in a few weeks.’
I look up sharply, the breath leaving my chest. ‘Leaving?’
He nods, holding my gaze. ‘I was offered a job a while back. I said no at first, but with the kids grown up and Gladys no longer here I… well, I had no reason to say no. Thought it was time for a fresh start.’
‘Right.’ My heart feels heavy and I don’t know what to say. ‘Where are you going?’
‘Toronto.’
The world stands still. ‘As in Canada?’
‘Yes.’
‘Oh.’ Beside me I hear Kirstie let out a sigh, and I tense. ‘How long for?’ My voice feels as though it’s coming from a million miles away.
‘I’m not sure. It’s a year contract at first but then – who knows? I guess I can decide if I like it.’
I stand, suddenly desperate to get out of there, to get away from the sadness of Matt leaving and Gladys dying. The blood rushes to my head and I feel dizzy, the world spinning round me in a blur of green and blue. Kirstie stands too, takes my hand.
‘Well, good luck. I’m sure you’ll have a great time. And I’m so sorry about Gladys. She’s a wonderful dog.’
‘Thank you, I…’ He stops and looks away briefly, then back again. ‘I wish things could have been different.’
I feel like I’m about to choke and I can’t reply, so I turn and scurry away as fast as I can before Matt notices I’m crying. Kirstie doesn’t follow immediately, but a few moments later she catches up with me.
As soon as we round the corner out of sight I stop and Kirstie wraps her arms around me. My sobs come in gasps and it takes me a while to get it out of my system and for Kirstie to let me go. When I do finally pull away from her my eyes feel sore and my face is streaked with tears.
‘Sorry, I got your top all wet,’ I say, pointing to Kirstie’s shoulder.
She doesn’t smile but keeps her hands on my shoulders and tries to catch my eye. When I look at her all I see is pity and it nearly breaks me again. I look away.
‘Are you crying more about Matt, or about Gladys?’ she says, gently, linking her arm through mine as we start to walk slowly towards the park exit.
I shake my head, unable to answer. ‘Both, I think.’ My voice is scratchy and I watch my feet as they step one in the front of the other. Neither of us says anything for quite some time and before I know it we’re back out on the street and heading towards my flat.
‘Shall we go and get pissed?’ Kirstie says, as we round the corner onto Jesmond high street.
I nod. ‘I think that sounds like a bloody good idea.’