Chapter 26
26
‘There’s no need to look quite so nervous,’ I say, laughing at the look on Jay’s face when I answer the door to him.
‘Sorry,’ he says sheepishly. ‘I’m just a bit out of my comfort zone.’
If I’ve learned anything about Jay over the last two weeks since we’ve been seeing each other, it’s that he does not like to feel out of his comfort zone. He knows what he likes and he likes to stay in his lane.
‘It’ll be fun,’ I assure him, straightening the collar of his denim jacket and pressing my palm against his cheek. He turns his head and kisses it and pulls me in to him. We’re kissing like teenagers on a first date when someone shouts ‘get a room’ as they pass and we spring apart guiltily.
‘I guess that’s our cue to get going,’ I say, pulling the door shut behind me.
I’ve bought us tickets to see Two Door Cinema Club tonight. I couldn’t believe it when Jay admitted he’d never been to a proper gig, and although I usually prefer smaller bands, smaller venues – I think about the gigs Kirstie and I used to love in cool bars in Camden, tiny pubs in south London and grotty clubs near King’s Cross – I had to rectify it quickly. I’d been lucky to find three tickets for this gig on a resale site, and now we’re off to meet Kirstie at Central station to go and give Jay a taste of his very first concert.
‘Come on, we don’t want to leave Kirstie stranded,’ I say, tugging his hand to pull him in the direction of the Metro station. This is another thing about Jay – he never takes the Metro, preferring to drive his fancy car everywhere. But ever since the accident – which I still haven’t confessed to being my fault – he hasn’t replaced his car. In fact he admitted to me the other night that he was actually quite enjoying being car-free for the first time in his adult life.
‘Feel pleased that you’re being environmentally friendly as well,’ I said as he looked dubiously at the Metro ticket I bought him.
Jay doesn’t say a word all the way to the Metro station, and by the time we’re on the train and he still hasn’t spoken to me I’m starting to get worried. I take his hand and thread my fingers through his. ‘Don’t look so scared. We’ll have fun, I promise.’
He smiles but it’s unconvincing.
‘Come on, out with it. It’s not the gig you’re worried about, is it?’
He shakes his head.
‘So, what is it?’
He doesn’t answer for a moment and my heart skips a beat as I realise it might be that he’s changed his mind about us. Maybe that’s why he’s being so quiet this evening. I hold my breath, all the things he might be about to say flying through my head.
I can’t do this.
I don’t feel that way about you.
It’s not you, it’s me.
I know you’re to blame for my accident.
‘It’s Kirstie,’ he says eventually, and I’m so surprised I just stare at him.
‘What?’ He squirms.
‘I just… That really wasn’t what I expected you to say.’
He shrugs and shuffles his feet. ‘I know. I never feel like this about meeting anyone.’ He sticks his chest out and bangs on it. ‘Me, big brave man.’ He slumps down again. ‘But honestly, from what you’ve told me about her, she sounds like a terrifying prospect for a new boyfriend. I’m afraid she’s going to crucify me.’
It’s so unexpected I feel a grin creep across my face and he gives me a shove. ‘Oi, you’re not supposed to laugh!’
‘What do you expect me to do?’ I say, the grin turning into a proper laugh now. ‘You’re scared of my best friend!’
‘I’m not scared exactly, just, you know. Reserved.’
I can’t stop laughing and he takes his hand away from mine and crosses his arms sulkily which makes me cackle even more. I can tell from the twitch of his mouth that he’s trying not to laugh too and by the time we arrive at Central Station I’m hysterical.
Of course, I don’t tell him that’s he’s right to be scared of Kirstie, and that he’s completely accurate in his assertion that she’s waiting to find fault with him. That would be cruel.
I just hope my friend is on her best behaviour.
* * *
Kirstie is already waiting for us when we get there and, as we walk across the concourse under her gaze, I feel Jay’s grip tighten in mine.
‘Hey, you,’ she says as soon as I’m front of her, and throws her arms around me. It’s so good to see her in real life again I don’t want to let go and we stand there a little longer than necessary before I pull away.
‘Kirstie, this is Jay,’ I say, giving her a look that says don’t you dare say anything about the dreams. She knows not to, of course, but it doesn’t mean it won’t slip out by accident. ‘And, Jay, this is one of my best friends, Kirstie.’
Jay holds his hand out and after a fraction of a second’s hesitation, Kirstie takes it and shakes it.
‘Lovely to meet you,’ she says, smiling warmly, and if I didn’t know her I’d be completely fooled.
‘You too,’ Jay says, his voice tight. I hope he’s going to relax soon. I really need Kirstie to see how lovely he is. I need this to go well.
‘I could murder a drink.’ Kirstie says, hitching her tiny bag onto her shoulder.
‘I know just the place,’ Jay says, and the three of us head towards the exit. It’s drizzling outside now and we hurry round the corner and under a bridge beneath the railway line to a pub hidden behind the station. As we settle at a table, Jay goes to buy drinks.
‘He seems a bit on edge,’ Kirstie says, raising her eyebrows at Jay’s back.
‘Don’t,’ I say. ‘He’s really nervous about meeting you.’
‘Me?’ she says, in mock innocence.
‘Oh come on, Kirst, don’t pretend you’re surprised.’ I grin at her. ‘I’ve told him all about how scary you are.’
‘Ha, well good.’ She glances towards the bar. ‘So, you’re happy, are you?’
‘I am,’ I say. ‘He’s really lovely.’
‘And yet he hasn’t been to a gig before?’ she says.
‘Oh God, I know. Can you believe it?’
‘I can’t believe you’d go out with someone who doesn’t love music. But then again I never thought you’d chase halfway across the country to look for a man you fell in love with while you were asleep either, so what do I know?’
‘Don’t you dare say anything about that,’ I warn her. ‘I told him I came up here for work. Oh, and he doesn’t know about it being me who nearly ran him over in London or who caused the accident here, or about Matt either so?—’
‘Here you go.’ I jump as Jay places two bottles of beer and a glass of vodka and Diet Coke on the table and look at him guiltily. Did he hear any of that?
‘Thanks, love,’ I say, pressing my hand against his. He cups his hands round mine and I see Kirstie noticing.
‘So, your first gig, hey?’ Kirstie says.
Jay flicks me a look and nods sheepishly. ‘Yeah. I know. Tragic, hey?’
‘It’s just a surprise to me, that’s all,’ Kirstie says. ‘I mean, I know how much Miranda loves her music.’
‘She tells me you go to a lot of gigs together?’
‘We do. Have done for years.’
‘Well, I’m just glad to be doing something that Miranda likes. She’s promised to come skydiving with me again so at least this gives me some leverage to make sure she goes through with it.’ He takes a sip of his beer and grins at me as Kirstie raises her eyebrows.
‘Skydiving again, hey?’ she says.
‘Yeah well…’ I trail off.
‘I knew you’d love it,’ Kirstie says, clapping her hands with glee.
‘I’m not sure love is the right word.’
‘You will,’ Jay says, squeezing my hand. ‘I’ll look after you.’
I smile at him and take my hand away.
‘We’ll see.’
I’m so worried that Kirstie is going to let something slip about my search for Jay, or about Matt, I’m on edge, so I’m relieved when we’ve finished our drinks and it’s time to set off. The one positive is that Jay seems to have relaxed at last, and is chatting to Kirstie easily, the way I’d hoped he would.
The gig is fun, and as we stagger home afterwards we’re in good spirits. Kirstie has booked herself a hotel rather than stay at mine ( what’s the point of working my arse off to earn enough for a fancy hotel and then giving myself crippling back pain sleeping on your lumpy spare bed? were her exact words) and after we’ve said goodnight, Jay and I linger on my doorstep.
‘So, did you enjoy it in the end?’ I ask him. He’s standing so close his body heat is warming the front of my body.
‘It was amazing.’ His breath grazes my face as I look up at him. ‘You’re amazing.’
I shiver as he snakes his arm round my waist and pulls me closer. His body is firm and I’m trying not to imagine what he looks like without his clothes on. He nuzzles into my neck and I draw away sharply, my heart hammering.
‘Not here,’ I whisper.
He looks round. ‘There’s no one to see us.’ He grins and steps towards me again but I hold my hand out to stop him.
‘Do you want to stay?’
We haven’t taken things to the next level yet, but the combination of alcohol and post-gig euphoria – as well as the fact I already feel so hot – makes me bold enough to ask tonight, without any preamble or messing around. There’s a beat of silence before he answers and a dart of doubt shoots through me. Have I read this wrong?
‘Fuck yes,’ he says, and kisses me deeply.
I pull away and fumble to unlock the door, and his hands are all over me. I giggle as I dart this way and that trying to get the key in the lock and away from his wandering hands, then finally we burst through the door and race up to my flat. His coat and T-shirt are already discarded by the time the front door has closed behind us, and I feel a sense of urgency as we kiss. It feels so good to be touched, and as he unhooks my bra and his hands move to my breasts I gasp, desperate for more.
We don’t even make it to the bedroom, our clothes strewn all over the living room as we move together on the sofa, a tangle of limbs. And as he pushes inside me, I dig my nails into his back, my body thrumming with desire.
I feel like I’ve come home.
* * *
We make it into the bedroom in the end, and when I wake up the next morning my heart soars to find Jay asleep beside me.
It’s him. It’s Jay.
He’s really here. Solid, in the flesh.
After all the times I’ve been with him during the night, only to wake up to find he’s not really here after all, I’m so happy I think I might burst.
I watch him sleeping, his head tipped to one side, arm flung across the duvet, and take the rare opportunity to really study him. The swelling on his face has completely faded now, and only the shadow of a bruise remains by his left eye. Stubble sprinkles his chin and jaw and his dark hair is swept back off his face, sticking up in all directions. I can’t help smiling at the memory of me tugging my hands through it last night when?—
‘Morning,’ he says, a smile spreading across his face as he cracks one eye fully open.
‘Hey,’ I say, hoping he didn’t notice me staring.
He opens both eyes and turns to look at me properly, then leans over and kisses me on the lips. He smells like morning but I know I do too so I linger a while, enjoying the moment.
‘How did you sleep?’ he says, pulling away. A smile tugs at the corner of his mouth.
‘Very well thank you,’ I say primly, pulling the duvet up under my chin.
‘That’ll be all the exercise,’ he says.
‘It will. I told you I’d missed it.’
He sits up beside me, the top of his arm pressing against me. ‘Well, I’m always happy to help you keep fit,’ he says, and I smack him on the chest.
‘Don’t get too cocky.’
‘What, you mean you don’t want to give it another go?’ He inches his hand up the duvet and I turn away.
‘Not right now,’ I say, swinging my legs out of bed. ‘I need to get showered before I meet Kirstie for breakfast.’
‘Oh, man,’ he says, throwing himself back against the pillows dramatically.
I don’t reply and hurry self-consciously across the room to the door. It doesn’t matter that we were much more intimate than this last night; it still feels odd to be naked in front of someone I barely know in the cold light of day. I grab my dressing gown from the back of the door, throw it around myself, then blow him a kiss and disappear.
As I stand under the shower, hot water hammering down, my skin tingles and I feel… what is that feeling? Happiness? Of course. Attraction? Definitely.
Regret?
No, not regret. But something, a little niggle of something deep inside me that I don’t want to examine too hard. I need to just let myself enjoy this, give in to it and give myself permission to fall for the lovely, sexy, handsome man currently naked in my bed.
Oh my God , there’s a naked man in my bed!
By the time I return to the bedroom Jay is dressed and sitting on the bed scrolling through his phone. He looks up as I enter and smiles a warm smile that lights up his face. I sit down next to him, chilly in my towel, and he leans in for a kiss.
‘Are you off already?’ I say when he pulls away.
‘As much as I’d love to stay in bed with you all day, I have to let you go and meet Kirstie and spend some time with her,’ he says, standing. I look up at him and wish I could pull him back into bed again and stay there. But he’s right.
‘Are you sure you don’t want to come?’ I say.
He shakes his head rather too vigorously. ‘Uh-uh. I don’t think Kirstie would be too thrilled, and besides, I do actually need to go home and get some work done. And I can’t leave poor old Alan with my neighbour any longer, he’ll never forgive me.’
I raise my eyebrows. ‘You were sure of yourself, planning for Alan to be looked after.’
He shoots me a grin and waggles his eyebrows. ‘Hopeful, rather than sure,’ he says, plucking his trainers from a pile in the corner of the room. He leans over for a kiss. ‘Anyway, have a great day and text me later about getting together in the week, okay?’
And before I can say anything else he whisks out the bedroom, through the living room, then the front door closes firmly behind him.